underpants Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Would you date or enter a relationship with someone who was a formerly involved with a married person?
mortensorchid Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 The person was once married? Or they were seeing a married person at some point?
BareGoddess Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Would you date or enter a relationship with someone who was a formerly involved with a married person? I have. You have to really look at the entire person and whether it was an anomaly for them or not. Also, look at how long ago it was and other relevant factors. In and of itself, it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't have good core values.
reliance Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Would you date or enter a relationship with someone who was a formerly involved with a married person? Depends on the situation. If it was a "once off" them possibly but if it is a recurring thing and they have a "thing" for married people then i'd run for the hills.
Author underpants Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 The person was once married? Or they were seeing a married person at some point? That they were once the affair partner, not the married person.
jerbear Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Maybe... why not? depends on know the person and potentially why.
Florida Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 No, I'm really uptight, that is way too far out for me.
Kamille Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I've looked at clouds from both side now... Yes, my bf was a OM and I was a OW at one point. Both of us really appreciate how drama free and healthy our relationship is. I don't know, I think we both feel like BTDT.
Author underpants Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) I've looked at clouds from both side now... Yes, my bf was a OM and I was a OW at one point. Both of us really appreciate how drama free and healthy our relationship is. I don't know, I think we both feel like BTDT. Thanks for the insight, and the Joni Mitchell reference. I am happy that you two bridged a gap of understanding. I might still be on one side of that cloud.... Thanks for everyone's input. ....conducting a cross reference forum study. To receive as many perspectives as possible. Again, thank you. Edited February 2, 2008 by underpants wrong singer reference...my bad.
Kamille Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Thanks for the insight, and the Joni Mitchell reference. I am happy that you two bridged a gap of understanding. I might still be on one side of that cloud.... Thanks for everyone's input. ....conducting a cross reference forum study. To receive as many perspectives as possible. Again, thank you. I was about to correct you on the Carpenter reference ...
Nemo Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Would you date or enter Preferably, enter. However, if I'm particularly keen, then I could date with the premise that it might lay the ground work for entry.
dropdeadlegs Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I wouldn't rule it out, but would need more info as to how? when? why? I think the further in the past the affair was would make a difference to me. Dating a former cheater would be more alarming to me. I'm a former cheater myself, so I know a leopard can change it's spots, but I'm only comfortable with MY spots having changed. If that makes any sense.
EYECANDY000 Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I would ask a lot of probing questions! like why, would be the first... If they was messing with someone who was married and didnt realize it til they were in love .. understandable.. otherwise , if they just like messing around with married women because they only have to deal with them once a week or so, then No!
Woggle Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Not a chance unless they had seriously changed their ways. They don't know how to handle a normal relationship and will always lust after somebody else.
Author underpants Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 Thanks everyone. This has been bothering me and I don't think I can get past it. Funny. I guess everyone has their own definitions of cheating and what is acceptable. I don't think I need to ask alot of questions about it. This has affected my attraction level. I'm glad he told me.
Kamille Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Thanks everyone. This has been bothering me and I don't think I can get past it. Funny. I guess everyone has their own definitions of cheating and what is acceptable. I don't think I need to ask alot of questions about it. This has affected my attraction level. I'm glad he told me. I probably missed a thread somewhere, but I take it that you are seeing or thinking of seeing someone who was involved in an A. I know in my case I feel like I got caught in it. MM relentlessly chased me, and was quite apt at playing me and knowing when to step back and when to be more agressive. He chased for 6 months before I gave in for one weekend (coworkers on a business trip), but I feel like it was still an A because for those 6 months I would think about him and try to figure it all out. I learned that affairs weren't for me, and I also learned not to throw the first stone. I had of course never imagined I would find myself involved in an A. Bf is a different story. I knew very early on that he had met his ex when she was seeing someone else (they weren't married though). In fact, he met both his exes when they were with someone else. But what he also told me, and that I definitely believed, is that he never cheated on any of them. And i think that is more important to me then knowing he played a game of seduction with someone who was taken (only to steal her away and be with her for 3 years in gf number 1 and 4 with gf number 2). Now I'm going to go dig in your threads to see what's going on.
Zolie Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 That is a very good question. My first instantaneous thought was "yes, of course I would". Because I was once married and seeing a married man in the same situation as I was (spouses refused to have sex or intimacy with us) and we were good people, not evil people hell bent on destroying marriages and/or philandering just for the sake of philandering. We were two hurting people needing love and intimacy and we found it with one another. In my case I was unable to leave my marriage at the time, but I was tired of my spirit being slowly smothered to death by an uncaring husband, so I found a lifeline elsewhere. A lifeline that truly saved me, even as it nearly destroyed me in the end. Eventually I found the impetus and the financial security to leave the marriage (without hurting my husband's financial security); and I found the courage to leave the EMR. Unfortunately, my MM did not have the same level of... hmmmm, what word to use here? Let's just say he did not have the same level of decency I had and was not the man I thought he was. He wouldn't leave his marriage, and is still suffering in it. He claims it's decency that keeps him there, but the truth is, it's lack of courage, lack of motivation, lack of real decency, and an overabundance of greed (she has money) that keeps him there. Same old story we've all heard a thousand times. So, back to my instantaneous answer that yes I would date someone - someone like me - who was formerly involved with a married person, IF the reasons behind it were something I considered valid, as I firmly believe mine were. I would hate to think that an already small pool of single men available and willing to date a woman in my age category would be made even smaller because some of them would refuse to date me based on a former relationship I had. A relationship that was right for me at the time. (then again, I wouldn't want to date a man anyway who would judge me so harshly and shallowly) However, then I realized that my answer is a resounding NO, I would not date someone who had been formally involved with a married person - IF that someone was like my xMM. That is not a double standard answer, either. Bottom line, what I mean, is that I would have to know the reasons why, and would weigh those reasons to make my decision. LOL, not that I have a bevy of men after me for me to have to choose from...
shadowplay Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I've looked at clouds from both side now... Yes, my bf was a OM and I was a OW at one point. Both of us really appreciate how drama free and healthy our relationship is. I don't know, I think we both feel like BTDT. Great song.
Stockalone Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Would you date or enter a relationship with someone who was a formerly involved with a married person? Assuming the person in question knew the other person was married, then no, I wouldn't date such a person. There is no reason that would justify cheating and the person who has the affair with a cheater is just as guilty.
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