Author renee_1977 Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 TheSilentType, methinks you need to change your username. LOL. If a guy wants to impress with a nice first date dinner locale, there is nothing wrong with that. El Torito is fine for a second date. And if I am ever asks what I am in the mood for, I do suggest something casual.
Kamille Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Update #1: He just called. Left me a message on my cell just "wanting to know how your weekend is going". I am keeping a journal in case I end up cut up in a million pieces. I shouldn't joke about that but hey. My friend knows who he is and will at least be able to testify. I think he may be just lonely and lack boundaries. I'm not making excuses, but either way, I am so not into needy and clingy. Renee - I wouldn't respond to the message. His issues go beyond him not having boundaries and being lonely. Give it some time, and if he persists, then pull out the ex-hubby returning. I wonder if maybe the best thing to do, in his case - especially since he seems so over-eager and a tad compulsive - is let him know you aren't interested. Leave no ambiguity you know? Then wheter or not you feel you need to add it's because you are getting serious with someone else you were dating is up to you.
nicki Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Just email him or call him (when your guy friend is around.) Say something like "Wow, it's been so crazy lately. I had a nice time on our date, but I was very confused that night. I'm still in love with my ex and we decided last weekend to get back together. He's moving his stuff in today. I thought it was the right thing to let you know. I wish you all the best. Good luck!" If you are calling him, be sure at the end of the conversation to have your guy friend say (loud enough to be heard), "Honey, where should I put my gun collection? Same place as before?" ha ha ....well, kind of kidding here, but not really....maybe have him just say "Honey, where should I put my weights?" At any rate, let this guy know that you are not alone. And never take another call from him again. If he continues to call you, have your guy friend call him and tell him to stop calling you. That usually works. I've done it before.
Author renee_1977 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 Here is what I came up with for a reply. Tell me what you guys think! I will be sending it on Monday. I'm too bad of a liar to try to do it in person. Well, it was an interesting weekend. As you might have suspected, I have been in a very uncomfortable personal situation with regard to an ex whom I am very much still in love with. In fact, the night you and I met, my friend and I were out to try to help me forget about how sad I was over the breakup. Well, he called this weekend and we spoke for a long time and we are going to try to make things work. In fact, he will be moving in next weekend. I very much enjoyed the time we spent together, but I was very confused that night. I told him about you and he offered to call you, not in a threatening way, but to further explain the situation. I told him I didn't think that was necessary At any rate, I think you are a great guy, but I really need to follow my heart. I do hope you understand and that you find the partner you are looking for in life. I wish you all the best of luck and hope you understand why I have to do what I have to do. Take care and good luck!
wizer Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Here is what I came up with for a reply. Tell me what you guys think! I will be sending it on Monday. I'm too bad of a liar to try to do it in person. I dunno. Very elaborate fake story. Why not the truth? Get used to being direct and honest with people, you will get further in the long run. How about "Sorry, after giving it a lot of thought, I am just not feeling it with you and I am not interested in pursuing a relationship with you at this time, take care and good luck"
Author renee_1977 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 Wizer, I've said exactly that to the last several guys who I didn't want to see again. This guy is different. If I say that and do not lead him to believe I now have a SO, he will escalate the contact. And he knows where I live. Since I don't have a SO, that leaves me very vulnerable. Normally, I believe in the truth, but this guy has already attempted contact with me three times today and I have already told him I needed him to back off a bit.
Mary3 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 As a footnote : The : * my ex is moving in next weekend * part is just not believable........... Okay now for my 2 cents : This guy is a whack job , lonely , calling you incessantly prior to Wednesday when you clearly said **Wednesday** would be good.... To be so needy~ish and so pressing in the very beginning is not a good sign. These folks can get pretty desperate. This guys REEKS of " I am going to come over and sit in your driveway and so come out and talk to me because I am a lonely nut job that found someone who would let me inside her house and I grope her as hard as a could to see if someone I knew 2 hours would try and let me have sex with her. " A lapse in judgement. I have done that. And kicked myself for it. We are not here to kick you. The part where you let him in is negligible but I think (maybe a time or two) most females might like to go back to 1952 where the guy picks her up at her house . Just not safe anymore..... But you have a predicament on your hands. This guy will not likely disappear anytime soon. I would say the boyfriend has come back into your life but the part about he's moving in just sounds fake and this nut boy will pick up on that and likely become more angry. When I think of this guy I think : RUN !
dreamergrl Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I think considering how intensely and pathologically he behaved in advance of the date, she was very foolish to let him into her home at all. THAT was entirely within her control. In fact, much of how all of this has fleshed out was entirely in her control. For instance - if she hadn't of given him her home address and had him pick her up at home, then she would have avoided the bulk of this drama. This was in ridiculously poor judgement, and she knows that (now). If she had met him out somewhere, took her own car, then right now, she would be dealing with him only emailing her, or calling her cell phone. Instead, she has now invited potential danger and visits from him at her home AND her workplace. I think it's important she NOT feel that this was beyond her control (when it was), because that might lull her into the same situation again down the road with someone else. As women, we have to protect ourselves, and NEVER assume a man will be gentleman (hope yes, assume no). Particularly a total and complete stranger you meet in a bar. I don't agree with this. If the man is as psycho as he sounds, he could have just as easily followed her home and lurked among her windows. Yes women need to protect themselves, but even that doesn't give promise to a better end. Perhaps she made the mistake of letting him in, but that doesn't warrant his unwanted advances and boundary pushing. With some people - just being polite gives them the reason to push further. You don't know how someone's mind is going to work and react. This guy is missing the marbles that should have told him to step off, only in his mind he took it for something else - and that's not making excuses for him at all. \ Here is what I came up with for a reply. Tell me what you guys think! I will be sending it on Monday. I'm too bad of a liar to try to do it in person. Well, it was an interesting weekend. As you might have suspected, I have been in a very uncomfortable personal situation with regard to an ex whom I am very much still in love with. In fact, the night you and I met, my friend and I were out to try to help me forget about how sad I was over the breakup. Well, he called this weekend and we spoke for a long time and we are going to try to make things work. In fact, he will be moving in next weekend. I very much enjoyed the time we spent together, but I was very confused that night. I told him about you and he offered to call you, not in a threatening way, but to further explain the situation. I told him I didn't think that was necessary At any rate, I think you are a great guy, but I really need to follow my heart. I do hope you understand and that you find the partner you are looking for in life. I wish you all the best of luck and hope you understand why I have to do what I have to do. Take care and good luck! I personally think you should just tell him your not interested - and then ignore him. Who knows how he could react to any part of this letter. If he continues to call, then keep logging it, and put a restraining order against him. No means no, and obviously he can't comprehend that. This is a long shot, but if you want him to get the idea that there's someone present at your home, perhaps you have a friend or family member with a vehicle that isn't in use, and have it parked in your driveway? Should he stop by, he may be less likely to knock on the door?
Author renee_1977 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 But you have a predicament on your hands. This guy will not likely disappear anytime soon. I would say the boyfriend has come back into your life but the part about he's moving in just sounds fake and this nut boy will pick up on that and likely become more angry. When I think of this guy I think : RUN ! Mary3, thanks for your feedback. I agree with what you said about the moving in part sounding fake. I thought that earlier, especially in light of the fact that I told him to back off yesterday, and now I'm telling him my ex is conveniently moving in with me??? And I agree he is a nutjob. I told him yesterday I didn't appreciate his overt attempts nor did I think it was a good idea for me to agree to go away for the weekend with him. I told him I tend to take things slow in a relationship and was not as full-speed ahead as some. A "normal" person would have backed off, but so far, he sent 2 text messages yesterday and he's attempted contact 3 times today and I just get a sick feeling every time I see his name on my cell. In fact, it's 4 a.m. and I am up because I am having trouble sleeping and keep hearing things. The restraining order thing will only exacerbate the situation. If me telling him to go away doesn't do it, what makes anyone think a piece of paper will help? I don't have family around here, though I do have some friends. No one I can think of has an extra car I could park in front of my house, but I don't think that is a bad idea. Anyway, thanks for the feedback.
dreamergrl Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 The restraining order thing will only exacerbate the situation. If me telling him to go away doesn't do it, what makes anyone think a piece of paper will help? I don't have family around here, though I do have some friends. No one I can think of has an extra car I could park in front of my house, but I don't think that is a bad idea. Anyway, thanks for the feedback. But if he tries anything, it will land his sorry @ss into jail. Plus if he has any sense left, he may think twice about contacting you.
dreamergrl Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 A friend of mine once couldn't get rid of an ex boyfriend... so she found a recording online from a phone company or something... saying "This call is being monitored by the local police department" or something... the calls ended quickly Not saying that's the best thing to do - but sometimes a scare like that pushes off some of the not so right in the head people
maynicholas Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 If you do say that he's moving in in the email, you could always rent a UHaul and park it in your driveway the day the ex is 'moving in'. Not much help, but it would be belivable.
nicki Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 You know, dealing with a guy like this requires you to do whatever you need to do to be safe....even if that means lying and/or creating a false scenario. It's a fact that most men will back off if there is another guy in the picture. It's easier to intimidate a woman. Not so easy to intimidate another guy, especially physically, and guys know this. So, do whatever you need to. Maybe have your guy friend record a new greeting on your home/cell phone....as in, "Hi. We're not available to take your call. Leave a message." That might be enough. Don't worry about sounding fake about anything. A regular guy might know something is up, but he would just go away knowing that you are going to great lengths to get rid of him. A stalker type isn't thinking normally anyway. I wouldn't worry one minute about sounding false or doing anything extreme like parking a car in your driveway. Whatever you need to do to feel safe. You have no idea what this guy is capable of, so preparing for the worst is perfectly understandable.
shockandawed Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Renee, I am going ot agree with everyone that this guy is a nut job. I am a single male with children and I typically date women with children. You NEVER ask to meet the kids or bring them into anything until you are cetrain there is at least some type of relationship, let alone not on the first date. MAJOR RED FLAG!! Anyhow, the moving in part seems a little fake and could invite him to drive by to investigate. I think mystery is the best way to deal with him. Simply tell him you have been speaking with your ex, who you still have feelings for and think you will be working things out. Good Luck and take care. If he doesn't leave you alone after that, PM me and I will be happy to call him on your behalf. Just a friendly I am the ex and would appreciate he leaving you alone as we are reuniting.
Author renee_1977 Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 Thanks to all for the replies. I watched the Superbowl tonight with my guy friend and he reiterated that he would call the guy if necessary and stay over in my guest room if worse came to worse. He also works for a security firm and is having a guy come out this week to see about installing a security system. Something I would like to have regardless as a single woman. The guy didn't call today, so I feel a little better. I am sending him the note minus the moving in part tomorrow. I agree that sounded fake and awfully convenient since I told him to back off on Friday. My friend also has a picture of the guy taken the night we were out. I am starting to feel better and hope I am just overreacting to a lonely overzealous man. If nothing else, I have learned an important lesson and reminder about the importance of protecting myself and my family. I will let you all know if anything further develops. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight!!
Mary3 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I think getting a car parked outside of your house is GREAT idea ! If you can afford it , rent a car and park it for a week ! lol. On to the other matter : You are spot on about a piece of paper NOT being the end of your problem. This dude has texted you 2 to 3 times SINCE you told him no. I smell trouble.... Can you get a BIG DOG and park that Puppy in your front yard ? I still recommend DOCUMENTING and getting everything down on paper and leave it with a trusted friend. SAVE all texts , all emails . You may have a stalker in your midst. This way later if he persists you can present this. Do you have a guy friend that is willing to stay with you on the creepy nights where you hear something outside. Can you hire a body gaurd for a week ? Do you have a friend who can ANSWER your phone and tell this guy to piss off ?? I am sooo sorry this has happened to you. Lesson learned. I never ever let someone I barely know have my address ( I know this was pounded in your head here , sorry ) but a valuable lesson when you get somone who sucks the very life out of you with weird plans for a future after meeting one night, Can you IMAGINE if you were a lonely vulnerable woman who took this as very sweet and kind and he got into your life and he could not be taken out ? These kind of men end up on the 6:00 news hurting the girl. Lock your doors , get an alarm company ( if you can afford ) good to have anyway for all females living alone. Also survielance cameras on your property ( even monitored by a company which you can view online 24/7 ) is a great idea. Its all about money and your safety . Can you afford any of these things ? Its sad but its 2008 and nutjobs can penetrate even the more careful girl... Keep us posted on EVERYTHING he might try and talk to us. We care
Author renee_1977 Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 I just wanted to let everyone know I did send the guy an email on Monday. By the time I sent it at 9 a.m., he had already called twice. When I sent the note, he immediately replied with a very kind note basically saying he wished me well. I was so relieved as I could tell immediately that he was likely only overzealous and lonely as opposed to psycho. I haven't heard from him since and I did learn a valuable lesson in the process. Thanks for everyone's replies.
basicinstinct Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 You mentioned date rape. Did this fool actually rape you?
Author renee_1977 Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 No he didn't. He was having trouble taking no for an answer on our one and only date, but he did leave after two hours of me telling him no and asking him to leave.
basicinstinct Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 No he didn't. He was having trouble taking no for an answer on our one and only date, but he did leave after two hours of me telling him no and asking him to leave. but it took him two whole hours to listen to you and get his hands off you??
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