Support needed OW/EA/MM

[Elena62]

I have to give you all some background to who I am first

 

I was married and in a relationship for 25 years. Most of thode years have been filled with infidelity by my H. Not going too muhc into that relationship, we decided mutually to end it. We had an agreement in place which took effect five years ago but we were still living in the same house. The agreement was to live seperate lives. H requested a divorce, too. But I constantly fought that off, I really didn't want a divorce. In the end, I gave in to a legal separation - it's been tough, but it's all been amicable.

 

Three years ago, I met a "wonderful" man. He was in a marriage that was failing, he was seeking love, I guess. But the distance between us was huge in terms of miles. We shared a kiss, but I didn't get into the sack with him at that point, so it became an EA. When we finally got together in the sack (a week together after he sent his wife away on holiday with the children) it was great. So we embarked on a loving, physical relationship and our period apart because of the distance became very bad. His wife was having various affairs and leaving him and the children for other people involved in her life and he took the whole thing out on me. I told him from that start that I wasn't involved in his marriage - that he had to deal with that as a separate issue to me, like I had done with my marriage so many times in the past. Anyway, it all went downhill for me in terms of my respect for him. What he did to his wife (like throw her out on her birthday) was just too much for me to take in. The last incident, she left him for another man, the man dumped her, and she's gone back home confessing her sins. He wants the marriage to work because he says he loves her. Yet, he has NOT told his wife about what happened with me. And I find this digusting, and I'm really cross that he couldn't be honest with his own wife. So, he has told me that we can have everything between us, bar the intimacy, we can never have that again. He has asked for my friendship, and even though I remain undecided and have not contacted him today (it happened yesterday) I can't help but think to say "no thank you" He hasn't been a friend to me at all taking out all his marriage frustrations on me - and now she's home and his security is back and he doesn't have to deal with his children on his own - it's okay for him to keep in touch with me? She's admitted to her affair, why can't he admit to his?

 

I do care about him, I think, but my instinct and my gut reaction is to have NC. I have my own separation issues to be dealing with and I don't need someones break up then honeymoon period to be on my shoulders, too. He sent me an email yesterday after all our phone conversations saying that life is too short to forget the intensity that we are and that's why this is so difficult. I know he would respect my decision to a certain point if I told him NC - but part of me knows that his marriage is doomed to failure. (And I look at my own marriage and realise that at least my exH had the decency to be honest with me about him and his feelings.)

 

And, I will be a single woman, and I know myself well, I would not want involvement with a MM. At this precise moment I just want to throw in the towel, and tell him NC, but I just want it all to just go away and leave my head alone - I want my life back, me back. And I realise that perhaps he wants me on the back shelf as a second best just in case things go bad and I'm not second best to anyone.

 

Somebody please tell me my method of thinking is right. That this MM still wanting contact with me without the physical aspect is WRONG and that he is dishonest and cannot be trusted.

 

Thanks for listening

[whichwayisup]

Run from this situation. Don't get involved! As much as you feel he should tell his wife about you, he won't. It really isn't your business what he does in his marriage as you knew going in he had a ring on his finger.

 

Listen to your gut! Go no contact and heal. This guy won't ever leave his wife, let alone he is betraying his own kids by cheating.

 

He is a liar, a cheater and can't be trusted. I mean if he DID leave his family for you, could you ever really trust him 100%? My guess is no.

 

Tell him goodbye, no sex, no calls, no emails, no friendship. It's over.

[OpenBook]

I do care about him, I think, but my instinct and my gut reaction is to have NC... Somebody please tell me my method of thinking is right. That this MM still wanting contact with me without the physical aspect is WRONG and that he is dishonest and cannot be trusted.

 

It's not that he is dishonest and cannot be trusted that's bothering you. Your feelings are hurt because he is not fighting for you, and instead is trying to keep you dangling on a string. I'm trying to figure out what the payoff is for him to have you around as a "friend" with no physical intimacy. Maybe he just wants to keep you around for ego-stroking?? kinda like one of those backscratchers with the little hand on the end. As you said, "keeping you on the back-burner" sounds about right. Bleah! Who needs it?!?

 

I think you should pay attention to that little voice inside you that's saying "I want ME, I want my life back." It sounds like a healthy response to a very unhealthy situation.

[Elena62]

Run from this situation. Don't get involved! As much as you feel he should tell his wife about you, he won't. It really isn't your business what he does in his marriage as you knew going in he had a ring on his finger.

 

Listen to your gut! Go no contact and heal. This guy won't ever leave his wife, let alone he is betraying his own kids by cheating.

 

He is a liar, a cheater and can't be trusted. I mean if he DID leave his family for you, could you ever really trust him 100%? My guess is no.

 

Tell him goodbye, no sex, no calls, no emails, no friendship. It's over.

 

Thank you! Yes I did know he was married, and I always told him I didn't want him to leave his family and wife for me - if somebody enters into a new and real relationship they have to be free of those ties.

 

And no, I couldn't and wouldn't trust him, ever. And I realise what he's offering is just an EA and I want no part of it. Thanks for your support

[Elena62]

It's not that he is dishonest and cannot be trusted that's bothering you. Your feelings are hurt because he is not fighting for you, and instead is trying to keep you dangling on a string. I'm trying to figure out what the payoff is for him to have you around as a "friend" with no physical intimacy. Maybe he just wants to keep you around for ego-stroking?? kinda like one of those backscratchers with the little hand on the end. As you said, "keeping you on the back-burner" sounds about right. Bleah! Who needs it?!?

 

I think you should pay attention to that little voice inside you that's saying "I want ME, I want my life back." It sounds like a healthy response to a very unhealthy situation.

 

What hurts me is I've seen the true person that he is. He's a real cad and not respectful of people. He wants me there as insurance for when his marriage goes wrong again, so that he can take his frustrations out on me. So that he can have his ego stroked when he needs it. And he only really loves one person and that's himself. Yes, I will get out of this toxic love offer and I will run for the hills! But I've decided to do it my way, for me. NC, yes, and closure, but in my time scale and not his. He has been in control of me and my life for too long.

 

I look at myself, too and every way I look at it, I just have to stay true to my integrity! (And I know that may sound like double standards considering what I entered into but it's time to put that all right).

 

Thank you so much for listening. I'm now going shopping to buy me a beautiful dress and get my hair cut

 

p.s. I hope people read what I've written. There's only one type of love that's worth it, and that's true love, with respect, decency and honesty ~ the rest is just a heap of BS!