Author Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 I think your situation is easily fixable. I really do. It's a matter of de-programming yourself to not be so reliant on him. Take this weekend when you go skiing. If you are on the slopes when he calls don't interrupt your skiing to speak with him. And if you are having fun afterwards at the lodge don't just drop everything to speak with him. Make you and what you're doing come first. It sounds like I'm telling you to ignore him and in a way I am, but not in a mean way. His message can wait. And you can return the call when you get a chance to. And explain why you were busy. He'll understand. At home too. If you are in the middle of a movie you can pick up and tell him you'll call him back or you could not take the call at all and call him when the movie is over. And in doing this you'll be putting your happiness first. AS IF I would answer the phone on the slopes! I hear what you're saying. Very good advice!
backspn Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Star, how long have you and your BF been together. You kow my situation a little. I would love to have the talk about our relationship and the space she needs to slow down things but how is the best way without driving her away? I know guys are different when it comes to those conversations, I would be willing to listen.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Star, how long have you and your BF been together. You kow my situation a little. I would love to have the talk about our relationship and the space she needs to slow down things but how is the best way without driving her away? I know guys are different when it comes to those conversations, I would be willing to listen. 4 months. I'd like to keep this thread on topic to my situation, but to answer your question: BF and I have a blanket understanding with one another that if/when something is bothering us, we can bring it up without fear of reprisal or freaking the other out, and that we will work together to find a common ground. We've only come to that point as a result of me asking, quite bluntly, "What do you need from me?" You can't read your SO's mind, ya know? So that might work with your GF as well.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Hi SG. I think that your bf is just saying in a nicer way that he is concerned about you being too dependent on him. You said you feel you don't have a life. Why not??? Do you have friends who you hang out with? Ask them to go to the bar or something. Do you work out or go to the gym? What kinds of things do you like to do in your spare time? Those are all things you could do to occupy yourself. LDR are hard, and it's important to have other things in your life instead of pine away for your bf. I try to keep myself busy during the week and not sit around depressed because I miss my bf so much. I feel like I don't want to be without my bf, but I try to have my own life and own things to do, so that if our relationship does end I have other things in my life. I think it's great that your bf makes you happy, but you have to find other things that make you happy as well.
sunshinegirl Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 This mostly sounds like the normal early stages of a relationship. Like others have already said, early on it's hard NOT to be excited about/thinking about/wanting contact with our SO. It's still new and exciting. Now add distance to the equation and the infatuation (I mean that in like the chemical sense, not to minimize what your relationship is) increases even more, because the SO is that much more scarce. I've had two LDRs and in each one, the time apart killed me - especially in the early months. I had my cell phone with me at all times and would answer it come hell or high water if it was my man. *and* because of those dynamics I did find that I was losing a little bit of myself. I've now gotten really good at making my life happy and good, and seeing my boyfriend as an awesome addition to it. I don't know exactly how to define where that line is of not being dependent vs not loving/wanting your SO... but somehow I do think I've figured out the balance. But yes, as others said, now is a great time to take a class, get back into a hobby that's lapsed, reconnect with friends, start working out...etc. Good luck!
Author Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 I've had two LDRs and in each one, the time apart killed me - especially in the early months. I had my cell phone with me at all times and would answer it come hell or high water if it was my man. *and* because of those dynamics I did find that I was losing a little bit of myself. I've now gotten really good at making my life happy and good, and seeing my boyfriend as an awesome addition to it. I don't know exactly how to define where that line is of not being dependent vs not loving/wanting your SO... but somehow I do think I've figured out the balance. But yes, as others said, now is a great time to take a class, get back into a hobby that's lapsed, reconnect with friends, start working out...etc. Good luck! Thanks, Sunshine. That's bolded part is so me! I'm looking for that fine-line balance too. I'm sure I can figure it out, I just need a little practice.
Ruby Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Do you not find it strange that you are in therapy, talking about your boyfriend when you have not been together too long? This time should be the happiest part of a relationship. Is it possible that you feel as needy as you do (for him to make you happy) because you have a deep sense that he is not as invested as you are?
Lauriebell82 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Do you not find it strange that you are in therapy, talking about your boyfriend when you have not been together too long? This time should be the happiest part of a relationship. Is it possible that you feel as needy as you do (for him to make you happy) because you have a deep sense that he is not as invested as you are? SG has already acknowledged that she has insecurities and things. I don't know if it is that she is real needy, LDR are much more confusing then regular ones. If you have already been insecure before the relationship became LD, then afterwards makes it a lot worse. It's good you are in therapy SG, as I have said before. Honestly, I think you just need to relax and try to have your own life outside your bf. Maybe even "not be available" everytime he calls you. When my bf calls me sometimes, I will be at the gym and he will be very confused as to why I didn't answer my phone on the first few rings. I just tell him I was working out or doing something else. The odd thing is, when I make myself less available he tends to chase me more. And after a year 1/2 it's nice to have some sort of excitement there.
Rooster_DAR Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Good post! BTW I believe balance is a good idea, I was in your shoes once and it ended painfully for me. With my EX, I depended on her (much of the time) to dictate my happiness. It's like a spiral, you love someone so much you seem to lose track of who you are and eventually you wind up in orbit around your partner. After she screwed me over, I went through many revelations and realized how much I did for her and did not take care of my needs. It's hard though, I found it very difficult to maintain balance in my love partners since then, but I'm doing it now. Problem is now, my new GF is revolving her happiness around me and now I'm feeling smothered. We've talked about it but she keeps sliding right back in to dependency and clingyness. Now it's come to the point that I have lost sexual attraction to her as well, which is probably not good. Be careful, and learn balance is my 2 cents worth. Cheers!
nicki Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I've been in your EXACT shoes: relationship for three months, then LDR. It's very difficult to get so close, and then have your SO leave. That alone creates a bed of insecurities you can crawl into. It's normal! One can wonder: is it real? Is it stable? It's difficult to feel comfortable when you can't predict your SO's behavior. You haven't had enough time. If you two had been together for a year before he went, then you would have a different dynamic. Right now, it's normal in the first stage of falling in love to forget about the rest of your life and create a world for you two only....it's imperative to create that bonding and transcendence of the ego...so you two feel like one. Then you can separate a bit. Relationships are a play between interdependence and independence. But first comes interdependence (once in mutual love.) I think the idea of balance is included in the idea of "reciprocity." Keep the power balance. Since he is out of town and has his own "life," then you need to have a "life" as well. One that includes job, friends, etc.... I, too, am concerned with his comment about how he doesn't want to feel responsible for your happiness. I can see that comment coming later in your relationship when you two are together on a regular basis....but, right now, a few months into it and in an LDR to boot, naw, it's not very sensitive in my opinion. I think if you got more reassurance and support from him, you would feel more secure. And don't think for a minute that you don't have your own life. You do, and it's fabulous! You are a successful woman! If you have any fault it's that you are overly analytical. That's what makes you an amazing lawyer! Just don't use your talented intellect to excuse away this guy's behavior. This early in the relationship, I would think he would want to make you happy and be the reason for your happiness. He could be your hero!
gonetildecember Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Excellent Post SG. It really hits home for me too. Sometimes I find myself really dependant on my bf for my own happiness, or at least I tend to focus a lot of what I do on him. We are in a semi LDR, we live about 2 hrs apart and see each other maybe every other weekend at the most... we became an LRD after 2 months of being togehter, which made it really hard for me to transition. I don't know if its because I don't get to see him all the time that I constantly carry my phone with me every second of the day, and freak out if I forget it (at the chance of missing his call) or if that's how it would have been after 6 months even if we were in the same place, but I do want to start relinquishing some of that dependance. It is not an excessive problem, and it doesn't hold me back like some of the above posters have mentionned, but I have noticed it as an issue. If he says he'll call at a certain time and doesn't I'm immeadiately in a bad mood... or if he I'm in a mood to talk and he decides to go out it bugs me a bit.. and I hate that, because that so wasn't me 6 months ago. He does however really compliment my life and I'm happier and more ME in this relationship than I have ever been in my life, but I want to make sure I find that HEALTHY balance of independant/strong/funloving Me-and- his loving girlfriend Me, before I start to lose myself. A lot of ppl are telling you to go out, find hobbies, chill with your friends, but It's hard to find a place to start.. when for the past few months of so you've gotten into a routine you know?!
pisces fish Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Do you think that discussing that you are seeing a therapist for your needy issues is something you should discuss with your commitment phobe long distance boyfriend who hasn't told you he loves you yet? If you think you are bringing this guy closer to proposing to you by being this honest and open with him, you're not. If anything you are further feeding his doubts about the whole thing, which he definitely has let you know he has. The only therapy you need is Why Men Love Bitches because you are about the biggest doormat on this board, it's pretty darned sad.
Ruby Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I have had a good look back at Star's post's regarding this particular man and I can see that he is definately not as invested as she is. Like it or not it is plain to see. Star, you need to stop acting so needy around him and you need to show him you have your own life (even if you don't). Men love to chase, it's a fact. No man likes a girl who rolls over and acts on his beck and call. Here is some advice, don't answer the phone very time he rings, let him feel a tad insecure, when you do talk to him (not every time) cut the call short with some fabulous thing you have to rush off to do. That will make his interest in you raise tenfold and you will see results pretty quick, you will also feel better in yourself when he is chasing more and saying the things you really want to hear. You need to change the tempo of this LDR and quick
nicki Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 You know, "B*tches" actually IS a good book, but very mistitled. It should be called "How to be your own Woman." Anyway, Star, your guy could be commitment phobic. It's hard to tell, but if he is, then talking to him and trying to get closer to him will back fire. Commitment phobes are afraid of true intimacy. And if he truly is a commitment phobe and not just temporarily scared, then you really don't want to deal with that unworkable situation. I say think about backing off a bit (which you already know you need to do.) But, don't think it's for him. It's for you, to keep things balanced. To keep you healthy. If he hasn't told you he loves you yet, then why are you treating this like a serious relationship? It would seem he isn't yet....and therefore shouldn't reap the rewards of having you fully invested. It creates a power imbalance and will make you feel way off center. I hope it all works out for you in the way you want to. Just keep taking care of yourself. Don't think it's all on you here. He's got plenty on him, too.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I have had a good look back at Star's post's regarding this particular man and I can see that he is definately not as invested as she is. Like it or not it is plain to see. Star, you need to stop acting so needy around him and you need to show him you have your own life (even if you don't). Men love to chase, it's a fact. No man likes a girl who rolls over and acts on his beck and call. Here is some advice, don't answer the phone very time he rings, let him feel a tad insecure, when you do talk to him (not every time) cut the call short with some fabulous thing you have to rush off to do. That will make his interest in you raise tenfold and you will see results pretty quick, you will also feel better in yourself when he is chasing more and saying the things you really want to hear. You need to change the tempo of this LDR and quick Uh oh, watch out before she attacks you for not praising her realtionship agreed with everything you said though--it's all about the mystery. If you already bore him after only four months, your relationship will be seriously lacking in future longevity. Do you have any friends? Any hobbies? It's easier not to completely depend on someone emotionally when you have other things going on in your life. Maybe you should go out and join a club or something.
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