Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 BF and I had a heartfelt talk last night after I returned from therapy. I discussed with him some of my discussion with my therapist, and he understood and agreed with what I've learned. He's been very supportive. He said that he's worried that I've begun to rely on him for my happiness. In a way, this is true. Seeing him, talking to him, having him in my life definitely makes me happy. I also probably rely too much on our phone calls and plans to see each other to lift my spirits. I can be having a bad day and the moment the phone rings I'm in a better mood. He said he was once in a place where he relied on someone else for happiness. He said he caught himself doing it with me, and doesn't want that to happen to us again because it causes an unhealthy emotional dependence. He said he wants us to be happy together, but not rely on one another for happiness. My therapist pretty much said the very same thing - that it's important not to NEED someone else, and that the goal is to WANT someone else to share your happiness with. I get it, but it sounds like a tricky balance. I definitely wouldn't say he alone is what makes me happy, but he definitely makes me happier. There are plenty of things that fill my life and make me happy, but I do realize now that I've let my connection to those other things kinda slip away. So my question is this - how do you know when you are in fact relying on someone else for happiness? I soooo don't want to be "that girl." Seeing as our time together/visits is now limited due to the distance, this is the perfect opportunity for me to get my own happiness back. But how do I do that? I will, of course, discuss this with my therapist the next time I see her, but I'd like your thoughts before I do. I can't wait a week!
starlite Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 You know, the answer is actually really hard to put into words. I would focus on how you said; "There are plenty of things that fill my life and make me happy, but I do realize now that I've let my connection to those other things kinda slip away." Work on getting those things back, especially now that he isnt there with you to fill all your time. Make sure you have enough that IF he were no longer in the picture you would all of a sudden feel empty, as if you have nothing. I don't know if that helps. Basically, a SO is supposed to be an addition to your life, not your WHOLE life.
Art_Critic Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 (edited) He said that he's worried that I've begun to rely on him for my happiness. Star.. to a point we all rely on our SO for happiness.. that is part of being in a relationship.. Where it gets unhealthy is when you sacrifice who your are and lose a voice in the relationship..period.. Don't take this next paragraph the wrong way.. I have to say it... Personally to me his comment about him being worried about you relying on him for your happiness shows me that he has one foot out the door and is looking to keep the guilt door shut with his statement... He is starting to feel guilty so he is putting it back on you... You do need to talk with this to your therapist.. but you also need to keep in mind that people who are in a relationship do rely on their SO for some happiness.. I know that I rely on my Wife for some of the happiness that comes my way.. without her bringing joy and happiness to my life I would be miserable.. with that being said.. I wouldn't stay miserable for long.. I would go out and find more happiness.. either thru my hobbies or with another person.. It isn't hard to be happy by myself.. but it is heaven to be happy with someone.. Edited February 1, 2008 by Art_Critic
norajane Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 You were happy before you met him, right? So why has he become your primary focus for happiness? Happiness is not a constant state of affairs. There are always ups and downs, but if you are generally content with who you are and what you have in your life, then you can weather those ups and downs without needing someone to give you a shot in the arm all the time. Take a look at your life as a whole - family, friends, career, hobbies, interests, activities, intellectual pursuits, physical pursuits. Are there areas that are dragging you down? If so, work to change those so that you can be more content with more areas of your life. If your job is still a nightmare, then make some changes, one way or another. Are you bored? Then consider the things you want to add into your life that would be challenging, exciting, fun. Is your social circle lacking, or are you always doing the same things? Then look for ways to meet new people and get involved with new things. When I was new to SF, I started a Yahoo group for people who were also new, and we would meet at a different place for happy hour each week. I also joined a dinner group that tried out new restaurants. It was a great way to explore and meet new friends. Or maybe this is a good time to take that belly dancing/kickboxing/painting class you've always thought about taking. Point being, you can find happiness by changing things that are a constant drain, and adding things that enhance your enjoyment of life. One person shouldn't be the only thing that gives you joy.
Jilly Bean Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Whether or not this is true would be hard to surmise from a posting. But, if your BF and your therapist say its a strong possibility, then assume it is. I think what you need to do is remember who you were, and what validated you and your happiness before you met him. Did you paint? run? cook? see your friends? whatever it was, chances are some of it fell by the wayside, and you need to rediscover what you enjoy doing and what makes you happy as an INDIVIDUAL. It's not too hard - you just have to rewind a few months. Unless, of course, your memory is like mine, and then youll have to ask someone. lol
BareGoddess Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 AC focused on the exact same quote that I was going to. That really jumped out at me. It's just not something that someone who is really serious about you says. Try to focus your attention elsewhere and just enjoy the time you do have with him. But I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket where he's concerned.
Kamille Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Don't take this next paragraph the wrong way.. I have to say it... Personally to me his comment about him being worried about you relying on him for your happiness shows me that he has one foot out the door and is looking to keep the guilt door shut with his statement... He is starting to feel guilty so he is putting it back on you... Or, it could be that he is communicating this fear because he choses to be a part of the relationship and wants things to work because he knows SG has so much going for her. I know that's what I'm doing with my bf.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Don't take this next paragraph the wrong way.. I have to say it... Personally to me his comment about him being worried about you relying on him for your happiness shows me that he has one foot out the door and is looking to keep the guilt door shut with his statement... I understand your point, but for many reasons I won't go into here, I really don't believe he got one foot out the door. If anything, he's come inside and locked the door behind him. I do, however, believe he's trying to regain some necessary balance. I had a PM convo with someone in my BF's shoes (and their SO in mine). Essentially that person said that as much as they loved their SO, their SO's dependence on them made them think that no matter what they did, it wasn't "good enough," and that somehow they were failing their SO. This is exactly how my BF feels. He feels like he's failing me because I always want more - what he does and says is never enough for me... but it would be IF I had a life of my own. (Eeeek, that's so awkward to say! [my words, not his]). So I guess I DO need to get my life back.
Florida Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 He said he was once in a place where he relied on someone else for happiness. He said he caught himself doing it with me, and doesn't want that to happen to us again because it causes an unhealthy emotional dependence. He said he wants us to be happy together, but not rely on one another for happiness. My therapist pretty much said the very same thing - that it's important not to NEED someone else, and that the goal is to WANT someone else to share your happiness with. To heck with those Hallmark sentiments! I don't *need* him, I choose to bla bla bla (falls asleep) The beginning of the relationship, it just is like that. You can fake not feeling like that all you want, it only passes after your partner-through time-has shown that they are really there. Present in spirit and body. The 2nd month with my BF we had a talk about how I like to talk on the phone with him 1-2X/day. He said he didn't think that kind of closeness was normal, or necessary! My anxiety over this diparity only passed when Mr. everything needs a balance calls on his own 1-2X/day, like clockwork. My point is, you will normalize in time, maybe after a year, when you see through daily actions and consistency what he is about. I definitely wouldn't say he alone is what makes me happy, but he definitely makes me happier. There are plenty of things that fill my life and make me happy, but I do realize now that I've let my connection to those other things kinda slip away. I think that is normal. If you were able to focus equally as you did before you met him in this still early syage, I would say you weren't that into him, or abiding by a rules book.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Or, it could be that he is communicating this fear because he choses to be a part of the relationship and wants things to work because he knows SG has so much going for her. I know that's what I'm doing with my bf. He does want our relationship to work, but he's seeing what a huge impact the distance is having on ME (not our relationship). I think that if I "had a life," I wouldn't be so... empty-feeling (for lack of a better word) just because he's not physically here right now. We talk all day long every day, we're making plans for our visits and considering different avenues for our future depending on the outcome of his job search. I'm not concerned about his investment in the relationship - it's there, that I know. He's validated my feelings and understands my feelings of vulnerability. He's able to do this because been in my shoes. But he also knows that it's not comfortable to be in a relationship (even with someone you love) where you're relying on the other person emotionally. He wants me to be whole. He wants two wholes at the table. He wants the SG he met in September at the table, not the SG who let her other life slip away.
Art_Critic Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 This is exactly how my BF feels. He feels like he's failing me because I always want more - what he does and says is never enough for me... but it would be IF I had a life of my own. (Eeeek, that's so awkward to say! [my words, not his]). So I guess I DO need to get my life back. I can see where he might feel that way.. I might feel the same way in his shoes... Things out of our control make us feel powerless.. Maybe he should have cut you loose instead of closing that door harder behind him if he feels powerless.. but I also know that you do have a life of your own.. he is feeling pressured to be in a committed relationship. You both have only been apart for a couple of weeks.. so for him to be making statements that you have no life doesn't hold water... When can you see your therapist ?.. there are so many tangents here that you might get more messed up and upset listening to us all...
Author Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 The 2nd month with my BF we had a talk about how I like to talk on the phone with him 1-2X/day. He said he didn't think that kind of closeness was normal, or necessary! My anxiety over this diparity only passed when Mr. everything needs a balance calls on his own 1-2X/day, like clockwork. My point is, you will normalize in time, maybe after a year, when you see through daily actions and consistency what he is about. The irony is that his comment yesterday came on a day where he called me 4 or 5 times throughout the day. I'm thinkin', "If I need to get a life, let me have one!" I really was such a fun, spunky, sassyfrass when we met. Now I'm this big emotional, needy baby. I make myself sick! I'm now a woman on a mission. Thank dog I have a ski trip planned this weekend!
Author Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 When can you see your therapist ?.. there are so many tangents here that you might get more messed up and upset listening to us all... Next Thursday. I know. I probably shouldn't be even discussing this here, it will get me all confused. I want to stress something here: This thread is NOT intended to discuss my BF's intent in saying what he said, because regardless of the reason behind it, he's RIGHT. He said it after my therapist did, and after I was already thinking it about myself. I need my own life back, the one I had when we met, as the person I was who he fell for. I need that back not only for the benefit of our relationship, but for ME. It's important for ME to be whole, I just have to figure out a way to get back to that place.
spookie Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I think it's fantastic that your BF feels comfortable enough with you and himself to be able to discuss relevent aspects of your relationship to ensure its success. That's good communication right there. I also think not being reliant on your SO for your happiness is one of the most important qualities of successful relationships... if you're happy regardless of the ebb and flow of things, you're much more likely to let the unimportant, little things go, thus focusing on the positives of what you bring into each other's lives, not what is lacking on a day-to-day basis. Where to draw the line... IMO it's an individual thing. And for me, if I'm honest with myself, I KNOW. Right now, I'm not reliant. What defines this for me is knowing that I would be equally happy spending my weekends alone or with him, knowing that there is never a part of me that is always "on" waiting for contact. Knowing that I want this to work out because I like him, because I'm falling in love with him, but I would be fine if it didn't, cause I do not define myself in terms of anyone else, so I would not feel lost.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 You were happy before you met him, right? So why has he become your primary focus for happiness? I was... I think. I was content, I don't know that I was happy. Is there a difference? As for the second question, I really don't know why he morphed into my primary focus. Probably because everything else was just...blah.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 I think it's fantastic that your BF feels comfortable enough with you and himself to be able to discuss relevent aspects of your relationship to ensure its success. That's good communication right there. Interesting you should say this. I was discussing some of my other conversations with BF with my therapist, and she said, "He sounds like a great communicator, he's really wanting to discuss your relationship and help it grow." Before she used examples of his responses to my behavior and comments here and there, I wouldn't have seen it that way. I also think not being reliant on your SO for your happiness is one of the most important qualities of successful relationships... if you're happy regardless of the ebb and flow of things, you're much more likely to let the unimportant, little things go, thus focusing on the positives of what you bring into each other's lives, not what is lacking on a day-to-day basis. Where to draw the line... IMO it's an individual thing. And for me, if I'm honest with myself, I KNOW. Right now, I'm not reliant. What defines this for me is knowing that I would be equally happy spending my weekends alone or with him, knowing that there is never a part of me that is always "on" waiting for contact. I don't let the unimportant things go. I don't talk to him about them, but I do dwell on them. I think he can sense this. I think he can sense that I'm always "on" waiting for contact too. I'm sure the pressure he feels is almost palpable. I'm feeling more pathetic by the minute! Where did SG go!??!
Art_Critic Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I need my own life back, the one I had when we met, as the person I was who he fell for. I need that back not only for the benefit of our relationship, but for ME. It's important for ME to be whole, I just have to figure out a way to get back to that place. I hear ya... It seems like you may also still feel some heartbreak over this whole experience.. When I feel heavy heartbreak I lose my ability to laugh and my humor goes out the window.. I do know where you are coming from.. I have always used big projects in my life to get past my heartbreak and regain my balance.. Whether it was building a deck or refinihishing the basement, but I started the projects with the specific intent of getting my humor back so I could laugh again.. and laugh at myself..
amaysngrace Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 What happened SG that made you switch like this? Anything in particular? Or a combination of lots of things?
BareGoddess Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 You're not pathetic. Only human. I think we ALL, if we're honest with ourselves, tend to "lose" ourselves a bit in the person we're in love with. It's only natural to make them our main focus. It's just a little more complicated when it's a LD relationship.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 What happened SG that made you switch like this? Anything in particular? Or a combination of lots of things? Probably a combination of a lot of things. Besides my personal history that makes me fearful of losing people close to me (and thus clinging on!), I got used to him being my entertainment. We spent an average of 4-5 nights a week together for over three months. If I hadn't known he would be moving, we probably would have spent a lot less time together. But because he was going to be leaving (or at least we thought it was a possibility), I felt an internal pressure to squeeze in as much time as possible with him. In doing that, some other things in my life had to give. I shouldn't have let that happen. Because now I'm like, "What do I do with all this time?" I know the answer, it's just kinda weird to get back into the swing of things... the swing of my life.
blind_otter Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 LDRs are really, really hard. I can't imagine transitioning to one after being so close to my SO. That would make it doubly hard. I live with my SO - so we are an integral part of each others' lives. I can't imagine my life without him. We hang out every day, and he calls me at least once a day while I'm at work., or I call him on my lunch break. When I was in an LDR (though that relationship ended...), I had a VERY active social life. I would hang out with my friends at least every other night. I would go out a lot, too. I cultivated my friendships as if my life depended upon it...maybe to distract myself, maybe because this was what I chose to do to fill up the void in my life. Time to find out new interests and hobbies. You'll make friends along the way and remember who "you" are.
spookie Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 (edited) Interesting you should say this. I was discussing some of my other conversations with BF with my therapist, and she said, "He sounds like a great communicator, he's really wanting to discuss your relationship and help it grow." Before she used examples of his responses to my behavior and comments here and there, I wouldn't have seen it that way. I don't let the unimportant things go. I don't talk to him about them, but I do dwell on them. I think he can sense this. I think he can sense that I'm always "on" waiting for contact too. I'm sure the pressure he feels is almost palpable. I'm feeling more pathetic by the minute! Where did SG go!??! Aw, don't feel pathetic. You're fantastic! everyone here knows that. We all love you, as does he... I think it's important to be aware of your thought processes and behaivior; but that this is especially tough because "solving" your problem requires a decrease in thoughts about and awareness of yourself and the situation, which is always more difficult to do than to think harder. IMO what you really need to do, not just for the R but also for you, is to put all this analyzation on hold for a while and re-immerse yourself in things that can be important to you, that you would enjoy. Activities that would really occupy your thoughts and emotions, not just ones that fill up the time in the interim. Set some goals for yourself, whether they be financial, personal, physical, whatever. Re-do your house. Commit to getting super-fit. Learn to cook. Start reading books for fun (that's what I always do). Make new friends. Start a blog about something you're knowledgeable about, or a online business. Start running a cupcake bakery out of your kitchen to provide allowance for a new pet bunny, like Amy Sedaris. What do you like to do? What dreams are still unfulfilled? Edited February 1, 2008 by spookie
amaysngrace Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I think your situation is easily fixable. I really do. It's a matter of de-programming yourself to not be so reliant on him. Take this weekend when you go skiing. If you are on the slopes when he calls don't interrupt your skiing to speak with him. And if you are having fun afterwards at the lodge don't just drop everything to speak with him. Make you and what you're doing come first. It sounds like I'm telling you to ignore him and in a way I am, but not in a mean way. His message can wait. And you can return the call when you get a chance to. And explain why you were busy. He'll understand. At home too. If you are in the middle of a movie you can pick up and tell him you'll call him back or you could not take the call at all and call him when the movie is over. And in doing this you'll be putting your happiness first.
Art_Critic Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I think your situation is easily fixable. I really do. It's a matter of de-programming yourself to not be so reliant on him. Take this weekend when you go skiing. If you are on the slopes when he calls don't interrupt your skiing to speak with him. And if you are having fun afterwards at the lodge don't just drop everything to speak with him. Make you and what you're doing come first. It sounds like I'm telling you to ignore him and in a way I am, but not in a mean way. His message can wait. And you can return the call when you get a chance to. And explain why you were busy. He'll understand. At home too. If you are in the middle of a movie you can pick up and tell him you'll call him back or you could not take the call at all and call him when the movie is over. And in doing this you'll be putting your happiness first. that is a really good post Amaysngrace...
amaysngrace Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 that is a really good post Amaysngrace... Why thank you Art.
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