mariebb Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I posted a long background to this question at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t142872/ but thought I'd shorten it here to get as many opinions as I can. I'm 42 been married for 8 years. My husband totally ignores me. He doesn't talk to me, doesn't touch me (okay, last week he brushed by my leg putting something in the garbage) and doesn't seem to notice I'm around. He talks at great length to his family and friends on the phone though. We've tried therapy and doesn't follow through with his part. Other than all this he is an awesome guy - he loves to cook and does almost all of it, he is a neat freak and spends a lot of his time home cleaning, (he wants to do all this, I do some too but he insists). He's great with the kids - very loving, fun. He's really social, all our friends love him and think I'm the luckiest gal alive. Behind closed doors I'm massively lonely, resentful and I can't stand this treatment another moment. Would you leave this man now, or continue to receive his help around the home and leave when the kids are older when being a single mom wouldn't be so crazy making? I know you're thinking this - how do i have 4 kids if he doesn't touch me? Our 3 year old and 2 year old twins are from IVF (we hardly have sex) and this #4 is a shocking surprise and is the result of one time where I resorted to begging and crying for him to have sex with me. (I know sick, huh?) And no I'm certain he's not having an affair - I know where he is 95% of the time. Thanks, Marie [url=http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t142872/][/url]
quankanne Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I ran through your other post and two things popped up: • does he feel resentful of sex and intimacy because he believes his role is sperm donor? • what was it like before y'all started trying for kids – was he as closed off about sex as he is now, or was it something that happened gradually? If he's always been this way (avoiding intimacy, especially sexual intimacy), is there a chance that he's homosexual but in denial (hence the wife, the kids, the solid family life)? Is he interested in women in general (i.e., looks admiringly or lustfully at other women, just not you)? on the other hand, if the relationship started growing apart around the time you two began trying to get pregnant, I can see how he'd become distant if he didn't see the relationship as "practical" rather than "intimate"
spookie Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Was there a time when your R was satisfying? Why did you get married? When did things change? Any chance he's deep in the closet? Is he willing to change things? If you don't see things improving, I really think you should leave. It must be incredibly lonely living in that kind of marriage for so many years.
Author mariebb Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Thanks for your feedback. I married him because he was super social, really nice, funny, loved me to death, was really attentive, very responsible, cooked, cleaned, planned things, had great financial sense and we fell really in love. Dated 3 years and then married. When we got married his level of good quality talks and general intimacy was always an issue but never a big one. He just wasn't as huggy and attentive as I'd like. I blamed it on his changing jobs, our relocation and overall situational stress though. Don't get me wrong by all this, I'm a super independent gal who has never liked any one "hanging on her". But total emotional abandonment is ridiculous - I need a little. He was always adequately attentive though - what he lacked I did more than my part to get things going. However, sex wise , shortly after we were married it completely cooled down to only once a month or so. I don't think he sees himself as a sperm donor (good question though) he really wanted kids although isn't too sold on this #4. Is he deep undercover homo?......its crossed my mind a lot.....however, I have found playboys hidden in his luggage, he loves shows like Coyote Ugly talent search, and I catch him oogling gals at the beach. I've asked him about 3 times in our relationship if he was gay (due to asexual behaviour) and he denies it and of course gets really offended. Our relationship was satisfying at the beginning but somewhere in the midst of really stressful infertility, mega invasive tests, and $25 000 in fertility treatments, then babies, I was so distracted I maybe didn't see its current decline happening. He always says he wants things to work, but I now see its all talk, he doesn't do anything the therapist suggested and its obvious by his behaviour that he isn't interested in making me happy or making our relationship better. Marie
quankanne Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 well, hooter mags are a positive sign you might want to explore the "sperm donor" theory, because I imagine when conception is broken down into a science, it's easy to leave it at that "level," to tell yourself that the intimacy is dead because you no longer view each other that way ... in his mind. Who knows, that might have had some kind of emasculating effect on his low sex drive? have the two of you gone to see a sex therapist? I know you've mentioned counseling, but since sex is an act of intimacy, that might help get the thinking back on track. as for being ambivalent about the youngest child ... he might resent a naturally conceived child after being made to go through all the fertility stuff, and he's making you "pay" for putting him in that position. Men are funny creatures when it comes to their hoo-hoos.
sally4sara Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 He has had to touch more than your leg to have you working on baby #4. What is the family dynamic? Who watches the kids. What do you do to try to get his attention? Is he not so much into the big family thing and has gotten in the habit of avoiding starting something that might lead to more kids?
sally4sara Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Also why IVF? Does he have function issues that might make him gun shy?
Saxis Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Maybe resenting the fact that you two went through all the trouble and procedures for the IVFs, only to realize it was possible naturally?
Author mariebb Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 Thanks for the replies. We went IVF due to "unexplained" infertility - although I do have slight endometriosis. He "functions" well, there's never been a problem there, its just getting him to do it. Actually to be honest with you, I feel more like an egg donor than I think he feels being a sperm donor. Its like now that he has his kids he can just cut me out of the picture - he's super great with the kids. But I have to say it just hasn't started happening since we had kids, it was before but I was so preoccupied with fertility stuff that I didn't notice. Our baby #4 is from a time in October when I'd had it, and actually cried, begged and threatened an affair if he didn't have sex with me - that one time and bingo I'm preggers. Life is very strange. We have a live in Filipino older lady who watches the kids but is making us nuts so we are having to get a new one. We are stressed with kids, working full time etc and there is little to no down time. We tried date night (well actually I arranged it all the time) and we'd sit there and I'd be trying to engage him and he'd be quiet with one word responses. I'd try talking about our troubles and my hurt over his lack of engagement/intimacy with me and he'd sit there "I know" "I know", me: "well why don't you do something about it then?" he: "I don't know" So I stopped arranged date night. News flash: when I wasn't arranging it, it never happened -so it was only me putting the effort in. Yes, we need a sex therapist - I'm going to suggest it this week. I've spoke about breaking up to him - I know he simply thinks that I won't do it or CAN't do it. We were driving by a reallly nice house and he said he'd love to retire in a house like that (wow, he actually shared a sentence with me about his thoughts, I was amazed......yes, that's what its come to). I said to him, "look at this way, if someone told you if you did a certain behaviour for only 20 min a day for the rest of your life you could have that million dollar 4000 sq ft home , or on the flip side, if you did not do that behaviour 20 min a day that you would have this house (I point to a delapitated but nice, 70's built home, 800sq feet), what would you do? " He said he would do the 20 min a day behaviour. I then explained that unless he does like our therapist suggested and engages in 10 min of quality time a day, and touches me physically for 10 min a day/3 times a week (sex or not) that he will have the crappy little house because I will leave and he'll be paying 70% of his pay cheque to child support for 4 little kids for the next 20 years. The point - I've taken to advising him how his behaviour is going to effect him financially for ever , because telling him that "I'm hurt" or crying or telling him that "I'm sad when he does......." has not worked yet. The financial stuff is getting his attention but it hasn't done a single change yet. We have a therapy appt with a new therapist on Tues. This is my last hope - I refuse to be sexless, and ignored for the duration of this pregnancy. It should be the best and most memorable time in my life (I LOVE being preggo) and his lack of intimacy with me ruined my experience during the last two. I swear to God I am not going to let him freeze me again during this period - I'll have this babe alone - I'm less lonely when he's not around. I just dont' know the first thing about how I'd go about making him leave, and finances etc. Thanks for taking the time for me - I'm really hurting and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your input and taking the time to read my post Marie
Author mariebb Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 Tragedy has struck our house. Our baby was diagnosed with a fatal condition three weeks ago and he was stillborn on the 21st. I was 5 months along and he weighed 1lb and was 10" long. A beautiful child that never had the chance to take his first breath. I'm completely devastated and heartbroke beyond what words can say. I'm a mess. God, when I originally wrote this post I thought my life was a mess, What I wouldn't give to be back there again. With the death of a child its horrible. What motivates me to write?? My husband who has constantly ignored me and abandoned me prior to this still has been unable to step up to the plate even when I'm in my darkest hours. He is unwilling to comfort me, hold me, soothe me, or be there for me in the emotional sense. I'm completely on my own. I'm a complete hormonal mess on top of it. But I'm so mortally wounded from his abandonment of me when I'm in the pit of despair that I want to make that never happens again and I want out. I want to end this. Might as well initiate this now while I'm at the bottom, I suppose. I have NO idea what to do, how to go about it, how to protect me an the kids from being taken to the cleaners, I have no idea what to do. Any advise?? Marie
curiousnycgirl Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Oh Marie I am so very sorry at your loss! How thoroughly devastating. I think you need individual counseling (IC) immediately. You are going through truly the worst thing a mother can possibly go through - you cannot do it on your own. If after IC you still feel the need to leave, then I suggest you engage an attorney. But get through the next bit of time before doing anythign drastic, you will need your strength for your kids as well as yourself - you cannot possibly do that now. My heart goes out to you.
Gunny376 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Tragedy has struck our house. Our baby was diagnosed with a fatal condition three weeks ago and he was stillborn on the 21st. I was 5 months along and he weighed 1lb and was 10" long. A beautiful child that never had the chance to take his first breath. I'm completely devastated and heartbroke beyond what words can say. I'm a mess. God, when I originally wrote this post I thought my life was a mess, What I wouldn't give to be back there again. With the death of a child its horrible. What motivates me to write?? My husband who has constantly ignored me and abandoned me prior to this still has been unable to step up to the plate even when I'm in my darkest hours. He is unwilling to comfort me, hold me, soothe me, or be there for me in the emotional sense. I'm completely on my own. I'm a complete hormonal mess on top of it. But I'm so mortally wounded from his abandonment of me when I'm in the pit of despair that I want to make that never happens again and I want out. I want to end this. Might as well initiate this now while I'm at the bottom, I suppose. I have NO idea what to do, how to go about it, how to protect me an the kids from being taken to the cleaners, I have no idea what to do. Any advise?? Marie I'm sadden and sorry for your loss! Prayers for you and yours! Your beloved child! Amen!
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I am sorry for your loss... Get some grief counselling if possible to help you cope.
melusine71 Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 (edited) marie, I am so so sorry for your loss. I know that there are grief counselors through the hospital that will get you into an immediate care situation. I cannot imagine going through what you are living right now. Your post actually made me cry. If you have a sister or a Mom or someone, go stay with them for a few days. Maybe even if it's across the country. You need the shelter of loving arms right now. My heart goes out to you. Edited March 13, 2008 by melusine71 r in heart
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