backspn Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Looking for all the ladies who have pulled away from your SO because he was getting too close too fast. In a previous post I had told you that my GF asked if we could slow things down, she felt as if we were moving too fast. We have been dating for 3 months now. 3 weeks into the relationship we became exclusive and we both told each other we were falling for each other. So 10 days ago she asked if we could slow down. Last week we talked almost everyday for a good amount of time each day. But since our date last Sunday we havent talked at all on the phone besides the texts we send to each other. I have been told to let her do all the contacting and dont text her unless she texts me first and she will come after me. We have a date set for Saturday. Is one date a week and contact once a week normal for people who are serious about each other? For all those who have pulled away from your SO, how long did you give the space between you two? What was the outcome?
Cobra_X30 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 For all those who have pulled away from your SO, how long did you give the space between you two? What was the outcome? As a guy who has done this. I'd first have a chat prior to your upcoming date as to whether this relationship is still exclusive or not, and let her know what your expectations of her are. In my opinion slowing down = no longer exclusive. That's the point of slowing down isn't it? Because your not set on one person yet?
Lucky555 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I am a girl...slowing down to me means get to know me first. its easy to get into a relationship but for a guy to really know me takes time. I like being exclusive and being faithful to the guy but i would ask him to take it slow so that we know each other better. If you spend a lot of time together in a short amount of time its hard to keep a longer relationship because then its like the passion or something might go away. She may not want to lose you and thats why she is saying take it slow. I had a guy in which we spent a lot of time together in the beginning but i felt as though he never knew me. He wanted to be exclusive in 6 weeks. I was a bit shocked because yeah we spent a lot of time together but we didn't "grow together" I was exclusive with him but i told him lets take it slow as in i wanted to know him better and i wanted us to "grow" emotionally, mentally and have a strong relaitonship than just something thats thrown in a melting pot. lol Yeah he didn't go slow and always was "pushing" for time to hang out or always wanting to go to the bedroom. You don't connect with someone physically if you don't understand them first its more meaningful. It depends if you want to be with her and willing to take the time.i had only known him for 3 months and 6 weeks of those months he was with me. So yeah i broke up with him. He said he would take it slow but he just was so pushy that i lost the initial feelings for him, and it was easy because he was still a stranger to me. Think of it as a flower, it takes time to grow. You have to take care of the flower in order for it to grow. thats the best way i can explain it. Does this help. If she didn't want to be with you she would break up with you or just avoid you.
Author backspn Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Thank you Lucky. That is some of the best news I have had lately. I have very strong feelings for her. I have been doing very well I think in giving her space and taking it slow. I leave the ball in her court and am letting her make the times she wants to see me. I am doing my best to understand. I do want to get to know her better also.
ilovemurf Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Thank you Lucky. That is some of the best news I have had lately. I have very strong feelings for her. I have been doing very well I think in giving her space and taking it slow. I leave the ball in her court and am letting her make the times she wants to see me. I am doing my best to understand. I do want to get to know her better also. I hate to admit that some girls (including me) doesn't like to be treated nice all the time. don't take me wrong. we like nice guys. but saying no when you don't want to hang out makes you manly and attractive sometimes. don't let her always decide when you guys meet or what you do together. take the lead once a while.
Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Last week we talked almost everyday for a good amount of time each day. But since our date last Sunday we havent talked at all on the phone besides the texts we send to each other. I have been told to let her do all the contacting and dont text her unless she texts me first and she will come after me. We have a date set for Saturday. Is one date a week and contact once a week normal for people who are serious about each other? For all those who have pulled away from your SO, how long did you give the space between you two? What was the outcome? Around Thanksgiving of 2006 I was in your shoes. I totally dug this guy, but we weren't exclusive yet. He asked to slow things down, suggested that he would be responsible for the contact ("I will contact YOU..." made it clear that I wasn't to call him), and set the next date out about a week from our last. He only called me once that week on the night before our date, and only to confirm our date, and then had me meet him there, as opposed to picking me up like he usually did. Can you guess the end result? Your situation is all to reminiscent of that one. I don't like that she TOLD you to let her do ALL the contacting and not to text her unless she texts you first. She's in complete control of your relationship. I also don't like the fact that you've only had contact once in an entire week leading up to your next date. I hate to say this, but I'd be bracing for an official break-up tomorrow.
spookie Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Around Thanksgiving of 2006 I was in your shoes. I totally dug this guy, but we weren't exclusive yet. He asked to slow things down, suggested that he would be responsible for the contact ("I will contact YOU..." made it clear that I wasn't to call him), and set the next date out about a week from our last. He only called me once that week on the night before our date, and only to confirm our date, and then had me meet him there, as opposed to picking me up like he usually did. Can you guess the end result? Your situation is all to reminiscent of that one. I don't like that she TOLD you to let her do ALL the contacting and not to text her unless she texts you first. She's in complete control of your relationship. I also don't like the fact that you've only had contact once in an entire week leading up to your next date. I hate to say this, but I'd be bracing for an official break-up tomorrow. I agree to some extent with this but IMO you are obsessive and the only way she can get you to back off is by explicitly telling you. I think she's going to need space for as long as it takes you to learn to be ok with having some in an R. As I said before, the best thing you can do is GET A LIFE. And yah, yah, you have one already, work, interests, whatever. Everyone says the same thing. I said the same thing in my last R, when it wasn't really true. It was true that I was going through the motions of having a life, but my entire happiness depended on him. That's what I see going on here, and it's not a healthy situation. You really need to start caring about things outside your relationship, to the point where you can be ambivalent about what's going on. Care, but don't analyze the details 24/7.
Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I agree to some extent with this but IMO you are obsessive and the only way she can get you to back off is by explicitly telling you. I think she's going to need space for as long as it takes you to learn to be ok with having some in an R. As I said before, the best thing you can do is GET A LIFE. And yah, yah, you have one already, work, interests, whatever. Everyone says the same thing. I said the same thing in my last R, when it wasn't really true. It was true that I was going through the motions of having a life, but my entire happiness depended on him. That's what I see going on here, and it's not a healthy situation. You really need to start caring about things outside your relationship, to the point where you can be ambivalent about what's going on. Care, but don't analyze the details 24/7. Admittedly I haven't read your other threads, bkspn, so I don't know if you are obsessive or not. Spookie could very well be right if that's the case. Even if you aren't obsessive, the latter half of her advice is spot-on. I know it's easier said than done, but I'm learning that we cannot rely on others for our happiness. I wouldn't say to go so far as being ambivalent, but do realize that you were okay before her, and you'll be okay without her if it does eventually end.
Kamille Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Looking for all the ladies who have pulled away from your SO because he was getting too close too fast. In a previous post I had told you that my GF asked if we could slow things down, she felt as if we were moving too fast. We have been dating for 3 months now. 3 weeks into the relationship we became exclusive and we both told each other we were falling for each other. So 10 days ago she asked if we could slow down. Last week we talked almost everyday for a good amount of time each day. But since our date last Sunday we havent talked at all on the phone besides the texts we send to each other. I have been told to let her do all the contacting and dont text her unless she texts me first and she will come after me. We have a date set for Saturday. Is one date a week and contact once a week normal for people who are serious about each other? For all those who have pulled away from your SO, how long did you give the space between you two? What was the outcome? I am in an R where I often end up asking for space. First, I would like to stress that when it comes to relationships, there is no such thing as 'normal', just two people trying to figure out if they want to be together and, once that's decided (commitment), how they want to be together. Since I love my bf and want to be with him, we are trying hard to figure out how to be together so I don't feel smothered, and I have to say that with time, taking space is getting easier for both of us. We've never gone a week without seeing each other, but every once in awhile I will declare 'date time', which means I stay at my place for a few days and then we spend a romantic evening together. It works wonders for us. So you know what, a week without contact might be what she needs to feel like there is still romance in the relationship. So tomorow, before the date, go to the gym, treat yourself to a massage and show up relaxed and happy. In fact, tonight, plan to do something exciting that will clear your mind off of this. You want to show up happy, relaxed, confident. Also, if you're designing the date, make sure it's a romantic one: bf usually makes me fondu or raclette, long drawn out meals where we get to sit and talk for hours.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I am a girl...slowing down to me means get to know me first. its easy to get into a relationship but for a guy to really know me takes time. I like being exclusive and being faithful to the guy but i would ask him to take it slow so that we know each other better. If you spend a lot of time together in a short amount of time its hard to keep a longer relationship because then its like the passion or something might go away. She may not want to lose you and thats why she is saying take it slow. Think of it as a flower, it takes time to grow. You have to take care of the flower in order for it to grow. thats the best way i can explain it. Does this help. If she didn't want to be with you she would break up with you or just avoid you. When you tell someone you want to slow down... without being particularly specific about it. That typically means to him that your not interested in being exclusive at this time. So yeah... he is going to feel like your shopping around and he will get pushier to make himself competative, or he may back off and completely disengage. You need to be very specific when you say things like this. If you think that your rushing into the physical stuff... tell him your not ready for that yet. If you feel like your too busy and that he is smothering you... communicate that very clearly. As this was communicated to Backspn, I'd would assume it means they are no longer exclusive until she explicitly states otherwise! Which means he needs to ask! BTW... it does not matter if you get to know someone over 3 weeks or 3 months. Space and time does not equal quality. It may provide you a better snapshot of who they are as a person... but lets be honest, your doing forcing emotional distance to protect yourself from hurt feelings. Not for any altruistic betterment of the relationship.
Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I am in an R where I often end up asking for space. First, I would like to stress that when it comes to relationships, there is no such thing as 'normal', just two people trying to figure out if they want to be together and, once that's decided (commitment), how they want to be together. Since I love my bf and want to be with him, we are trying hard to figure out how to be together so I don't feel smothered, and I have to say that with time, taking space is getting easier for both of us. This is a very good point. Every aspect of a relationship is negotiated - sometimes it's unspoken, sometimes it's discussed.
Author backspn Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Your situation is all to reminiscent of that one. I don't like that she TOLD you to let her do ALL the contacting and not to text her unless she texts you first. She's in complete control of your relationship. I also don't like the fact that you've only had contact once in an entire week leading up to your next date. I hate to say this, but I'd be bracing for an official break-up tomorrow. I do admit I fell too soon too fast. I am adjusting to all of this and I am 100% better than I was last week at this time. When a guy says he wants to slow down he usually means he wants to end it but isnt man enough to say it. Im not sure if women are different. As this was communicated to Backspn, I'd would assume it means they are no longer exclusive until she explicitly states otherwise! Which means he needs to ask! Wouldnt this drive her away more? So you know what, a week without contact might be what she needs to feel like there is still romance in the relationship. So tomorow, before the date, go to the gym, treat yourself to a massage and show up relaxed and happy. In fact, tonight, plan to do something exciting that will clear your mind off of this. You want to show up happy, relaxed, confident. Also, if you're designing the date, make sure it's a romantic one On our last date last weekend we were affectionate, holding hands, kissing etc. In my past R's it would be unspoken that we are exclusive, never needed to ask, but then I didnt feel the same for them as I do for this girl. Your situation is all to reminiscent of that one. I don't like that she TOLD you to let her do ALL the contacting and not to text her unless she texts you first. She's in complete control of your relationship. I also don't like the fact that you've only had contact once in an entire week leading up to your next date. Maybe I didnt explain it better. It wasnt said that SHE would contact me only. This is the advice Im getting from friends. I would call her a couple times a week to say hi and talk about our days but dont want to seem needy. I am enjoying the time away which will make date night even more exciting. I called her on yesterday morning to say hi and we talked for about 4 mins and we have texted each other this week so there has been communication. She said she would call me on Friday to talk about the date and that she couldnt talk long cause she was at work. Is it ok to call her maybe 2x a week to say hi etc without being smothering? She said she would like to slow down things and that she wanted to make this work and grow. I asked what that meant and she said she would like to go back to the way it was when we were dating and not exclusive. Guess she must have been feeling like how could he be so close to me when he doesnt even know me. Im having difficulty in the definition of the slow things down part. Less communication? Less romance? In my past that conversation would have been....lets just be friends. But we still show affection. Just confused.
Kamille Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 She said she would like to slow down things and that she wanted to make this work and grow. I asked what that meant and she said she would like to go back to the way it was when we were dating and not exclusive. Guess she must have been feeling like how could he be so close to me when he doesnt even know me. Im having difficulty in the definition of the slow things down part. Less communication? Less romance? In my past that conversation would have been....lets just be friends. But we still show affection. Just confused. That could mean so many things! It could be that she wants the thrill of the chase back. I know one of my fears was that bf and I would be becoming too routine too fast. I loved the way my bf "wooed" me at first and sometimes I just need that back. Now I know how to get it back but at first I didn't and that's when I would feel smothered. You two still have a lot to discover about each other, which means there is still a lot she doesn't know about you. I feel that when bf and I rushed into commitment, we almost lost sight of how important that little bit of mystery is for falling in love.
Lucky555 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Well also considerations are how long have you known her? Your age too? Your living situation and her living situation? It takes money to date to so a lot of time going out places is a lot of money especially if she is in school or something. over a year and had contact every now and then? then slow mean is breaking up or wants to continue seeing others been friends for a long time, say 2 plus years...and she says this, then its that she doesn't want to be committed to you and your not the right one Getting involved with a stranger not knowing them is scary in the beginning of relationships because you don't know them! lol I would say to get time to yourself and hang out with your friends...do keep a life. Learn to trust, its hard i know but it takes time. When she calls you don't ignore her, don't play games, and don't smother her. Ask her how she is keep it casual and fun, laughing is always pleasant too, while being yourself. Calling her on the weekend and mid week would be good. I highly suggest calling. If she contacts you any other time then let her it sounds like she might be learning to trust you also. Don't ask about her past relationships unless she volunteers. Maybe she has had some bad experiences or who knows what else she may not want to share just yet. As i see it she wants something meaningful. But i don't know her and you would be the judge of that. I understand you may really like her a lot but be patient.
Author backspn Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 We have been dating for 3 months. We're both in our late 30s. We both live alone about 45 mins apart. She has discussed all of our paths as have I. It has been mutual. When we go out and talk it is very easy, seems to come natural. From date one we clicked. Thank you all for your support and insight. I do believe she is just overwhelmed and scared a bit. I will continue to call her like I did when we first started and wont change who I am. If it doesnt work then it wont be because of me.
Author backspn Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 Lucky555, you're right. She was going out to see a movie tonight with a gf of hers tonight and she invited me to come. Its wasnt even our night but she missed me. Going out tomorrow night to dinner and dancing. Im still in the game! Thanks to all for the advice over the last week! :bunny: To D-Lish and Kamille....thx for listening!
Kamille Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Lucky555, you're right. She was going out to see a movie tonight with a gf of hers tonight and she invited me to come. Its wasnt even our night but she missed me. Going out tomorrow night to dinner and dancing. Im still in the game! Thanks to all for the advice over the last week! :bunny: To D-Lish and Kamille....thx for listening! Yes! I'm glad to hear it bckspn. Bunnies are indeed called for :bunny:
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