lbj123 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Well, I've posted my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t141039/ and the latest update in that my ex asked me out for dinner again and we went out last night. He has initiated contact, mostly over email, consistantly (at least 4-5 times per week) and after we ended up spending the night together after our last dinner, I felt very unclear about his feelings going itno our dinner last night. Well, as usual, we had a wonderful time together, enjoying one another's company, laughing, talking and connecting the whole time. After dinner, we decided to take a walk, and he ended up kissing me. It was an amazing kiss, but I stopped it, and took the opportunity to tell him how I felt. I told him that, despite never having pursued a friendship with an ex before, I was willing to give us being friends a shot, but that kissing, and hooking up, and sleeping together is not what friends do. I explained that if he felt that he were/should be more than friends than that was something we needed to talk about together, but that I have no interest in being friend who hook up occassionally. He responded by telling me that, first and foremost, it means the world to him to have me in his life. He then told me some things he had never said before...I know all too well about his fears of commitment, but last night he told me that he is not sure that he ever wants to get married and have children, EVER. He told me how much he loves spending time with me, how interesting I am, how much he loves my happiness and how being around me makes him happy. He told me how attracted he is to me and how beautiful I am and how much he wants to just wrap his arms around me and kiss me all the time. BUT then he told me that he cannot be in a relationship with me because he cannot be in a relationship with anyone. He told me how he has a huge problem with the idea of people being dependent on each other, that he feels people lose a big part of themselves once they get married and that, as much as he cares about me, he cannot give me what he thinks (and is right) I need from a SO. I could not disagree more with his way of thinking. I feel like he is over analyzing and jumping ahead of everything. He (typical guy and ridiculously frustrating) says he thinks we can be friends who are physically intimate if we want to be, since we are both so attracted to one another. but then he says that since it seems that is not something I am comfortable with, that more importantly, he wants us to remain friends; GOOD friends. He went on about how much my friendship means to him and how he will "control his desire for me" in order to maintain our friendship and contact with each other. I point blank asked him why, if he loves spending time with me, is ridiculously attracted to me, feels happy when we're together, etc. then why are we not giving things another shot? I told him how important NOT compromising myself, my interests and my own life is to me in a relationship, and that I valued the balance we had between being together and doing our own thing. But he made it clear that he does not want to get back together. I don't know what to do. Part of me does want him as a friend, simply because I just adore him. he makes me laugh, makes me feel good, makes me smile so much. and as a mature adult, I feel silly giving him an all or nothing altimatum. But, can two people with a strong attraction for each other really ever just be friends? And can I maintain a friendship with him when I know that I would be thrilled to be more than friends? then I feel, why should he get the priviledge of my friendship? He made the decision to pull away, so why should he get everything he wants? I am really worried that I cannot handle being just friends and that it is just going to add a level of stress and confusion to my life. I can't move on if I'm speaking to him everyday...but I don't want to be the bitch or the dramtic girl who tells him I cannot be friends bc I want more... Suggestions on how to proceed? Would you remain friends? Despite the lousy picture I just painted, I assure you that he is a great guy, and really is not intentionally trying to hurt me.
Nemo Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 BUT then he told me that he cannot be in a relationship with me because he cannot be in a relationship with anyone. Hahahahaha... I call BS.
Author lbj123 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 yeah, me too...the whole thing is so messed up. Why is he so resistant to being committed to me, yet seems to want me so much?
Nemo Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Why is he so resistant to being committed to me, yet seems to want me so much? I'm sorry to say it, but the answer is... Sex.
blackbird Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I fully agree with Nemo. Most guys, if they have the option, will hang on to it until another option comes along.
Author lbj123 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 I agree nemo, but I guess I've just never been in a situation where the guy is so hung up on maintaining a friendship. I mean, he's a very good looking guy. If he wants sex, he can surely get it. I guess I just feel really confused as to why, if he wants ex, he wouldn't want to have consistant sex with me if sex is solely what he's after. I am not a needy girl and put no pressure on him to, in fact, I was perfectly content with the way thing were going before we broke up. It just seems like contacting me all the time and trying to be friends is so much unecessary effort on his part if all he is looking for is sex. And again I ask why, if all of these great pieces of a connection are there, would he get so freaked out? We are not teenagers here, he is 31 years old. If you were in this situation, what would you say to him?
Author lbj123 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Also, I've mentioned this previosly, but we are going to be spending the whole summer in beach houses next door to one another. Our friends have all become close, and I anticipate that we will be hanging out on a very regular basis all summer. For this reason, I dont want there to be any awkwardness or bad blood between us, but I think being just friends is going to be difficult given that I still have feelings for him.
bridget Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 He wants to have his cake and eat it. Get the good stuff without actually having to make a committment or be faithful or be there during rough times etc etc. You have lingering feelings for him which makes you an exploiter's dream. The person who will get hurt will be you and you will be left - not blaming him - feeling blue that you couldn't keep it 'just friends' because of those feelings. When in fact it is he who is incapable of maintaining any kind of relationship with you - he can't commit to a relationship but he can't cobble together enough respect for you to be a friend to you. It won't work and you will end up being his scratching post, he can keep you dangling because of your feelings and his apparent lack of them. I'm friends with a few of my exes but when we meet we invariably sleep together or get well on the way to it. If there's a way to truly be 'just friends' with an ex then I have not cracked it. Maybe someone else will have more positive advice, hopefully...
Author lbj123 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 I'm really glad I've posted this because it's made me realize what a dead end situation I am in with this guy. It's unfortunate that he is acting this way, but I really don't want to waste more time wondering and analyzing and hoping it will work out. I guess I'll worry about the summer as is gets closer. I dont know how to stop the IMing though. I don't want to block him because I am usually on all day at work, and he will know he's been blocked if he never sees me on anymore, and that just seems childish. Should I say something to him?
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