brokenhearteddad Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 My wife & I have been married 1 year, together 2. After our daughter was born (11mo ago), I worked days, she worked nights & we only saw each other 5 min/day. I told her that we should rearrange work schedules to work on our marriage. I know that you all do not know the dynamics of my situation and every relationship is different. I actually told her I would quit my job and would work at McDonals if I needed to to work on our marriage. She was willing to leave her job and stay at home and spend more time with our daughter and myself until we could get back on the same page in our marriage. She put in her notice and a week before she was to leave, she told me that she wasn't ready to quit. I said no problem, but we really should try & make time to see each other more even if it were one more day or night for ourselves. Everything went down hill from there. She started getting angry & mean to me & about a month or so later she said we need to separate. Well, a week after we separated she started seeing a guy that drives in from Knoxville to Nashville 170 miles away each day to pick up a load of computers (where she works) to take to back to Knoxville (where he also lives). She is 24, he's 42 twice divorced, with a few kids, Im a 35, devoted, loving husband, a good father and provider. I am by no means perfect or saying I am a great catch, but I was a good husband who treated her great, lovingly, listened, sent flowers, told her I loved her ten times a day, etc, and likely an upgrade from what she left me for. I know you only have one side of the story here, but I will admit that this is pretty accurate even coming from my hurt point of view. She blames me for everything and anything & says that she doesnt love me like she did and when our daughter was born she changed. I always treated her well, dont cheat, yell, abuse her. I told her I loved her at least 10 times a day. I send flowers and I am responsible. Asked her to go to counselling and she said no. It has been 2 months since I moved out and she says that she may be falling in love with this guy, which kills me. She talks to me like she hates me now and has so much anger towards me for no reason. I am sure the blame and the anger towards me is a way for her to feel better about what she is doing. I tried everything and cried while litterally begging her to work on our marriage and she sighed and got angry that I told her that I loved her and missed her. I am not a pushover and don't cry often, but I do believe that marriage and commitment are forever and not easy. Again, I am not saying at all that I am a perfect husband, but I was very good to her and treated her well. Is the blame she is puting on me normal? She has no friends at all and has had only bad relationships in the past until she and I met. Her mother conditioned her poorly by preaching to her growing up that her and her fathers marriage was miserable and that she should never stay in a marriage if it is not perfect, which is unrealsitic for sure. I imagine that she will have to realize that the "Grass is not greener on the other side". I believe she took the easy way out by pushing marriage issues aside to be with someone that tells her great things. I do accept responsibility, but she is laying the blame on heavier every day which she is trying to keep herself angry at me I guess. It would be easier without a child in the picture, so I have to speak with her. I try to keep the topic on our daughter but it somehow turns into her getting angry over absolutely nothing. I miss her and love her completely and I am devastated and lost. I am trying to find strength to move on but I have had many tear filled nights missing her and my daughter. Any advice would be great. I did file for divorce last week. Sorry for the lengthy post. Any advice would be great, thanks.
rita's world Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I know what you are going through but according to statistics people are much happier in the primary relationship especially when they are a family. Second marriages and affairs often end more rapidly and are less fulfilling. Couples who can stay together even for the sake of the home or the kids or financial obligations are happier in the long run. That is why arranged marriages in certain cultures are sustained, because people make it work and do not think of separation as an option. I also had opposite hours from my H and only saw him 15 minutes at a time. Having a baby can also lead to some stress and depression but it is only temporary and you need to know how to get out of that baby funk and be a couple again for the sake of everyone. My H is only now realizing that his depression was a result of a lot of things that were just temporary but he did too much damage. Just act happy and support her as much as you can for now.
Author brokenhearteddad Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Thanks for the post. I asked her to go to counselling and she got angry. I asked her to go to the doctor to see if she was suffering from Post Partum Depression and she said no. She got angry at me when i I told her that i thought separation was a bad idea. I thought we should try and work on our relationship while still together. I am trying to give her space so she can figure out that "the grass isn't greener on the other side" and that she does have a good husband and father here in me. I don't know if she will ever realize what is happening in her head and will be tough for her if she does not see anyone about it. I do love her and miss her and would forgive her for the sake of the bigger picture.
sally4sara Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Thanks for the post. I asked her to go to counselling and she got angry. I asked her to go to the doctor to see if she was suffering from Post Partum Depression and she said no. She got angry at me when i I told her that i thought separation was a bad idea. I thought we should try and work on our relationship while still together. I am trying to give her space so she can figure out that "the grass isn't greener on the other side" and that she does have a good husband and father here in me. I don't know if she will ever realize what is happening in her head and will be tough for her if she does not see anyone about it. I do love her and miss her and would forgive her for the sake of the bigger picture. I'm worried that too much bending backwards will make new guy look better. If she ends up with him and regrets it, you say you will take her back. Will you be able to do this and not stew about it?
Author brokenhearteddad Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 Yes, I can take her back and be okay with it. It may take some time and some counselling but I am looking at the big picture and think deep down she is a good person and can be in a good relationship but need someone that is understanding and willing to tough it out with her and not leave her. I think I have the strength to be this kind of husband to her, but again I cannot do it without her realizing that the grass is not greener on the other side. Although I do not think her relationship with the new guy is going to work out, I also don't know if she will ever come back around to me. Who knows? I do know that she needs a very special kind of person to go through this with. Heck maybe the new guy may be the right one, but I doubt it. He is twice her age, twice divorced with 3 kids, pursued a newly married woman wit ha newborn child, so yes he has some character issues and I believe is taking advantage of a young girl who was looking for some sort of way to avoid coping with marrital issues. These are just my thoughts and of course I am hurt, so I may be completely off base.
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