confused 5 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I broke up with my long-distance gf of 1 yr about 6 months ago. We have been friends for about 10 years, of which the past 6 she has been positive that she is in love with me and has made a very strong push for us to be together. through this whole time we have been absolutely incredible friends: the best, even. been there for each other through thick and thin and really affected each other's lives....we have unselfishly tried to help each other change for the best and really just been unconditionally supportive. problem is that all of the 6 years have been either long distance (college and then law school) or just time in between distance. we regularly hooked up and honestly, i went back and forth on her, flip-flopping many times. ive always had the upper hand, i suspect this has not been for the better. especially during my immature college years (not that im so mature now). when i got to law school, i decided that i was going to give it a try. i was positive that i did not want to lose her and that she was all i wanted: she is beautiful, smart, we share all interests as well as morals and goals. However, half way through our long distance relationship, i started to feel that i was not being fulfilled. i dont know if i became closed off, or what happened, but i started to feel pretty apathetic. Let me just say, however, that during this time we always got along and seldom fought. i think part of it might have just been that i was feeling emotionally stalked, because she was so in love with me and i never had time to figure things out, always being rushed to the finish line. it got to the point that when i would go back home i also wanted to spend a lot of time with my friends, which caused her to feel that i was neglecting her. which i kind of was. i ended up breaking up with her. fast-frwrd to the present: 6 months post-break up, i have been missing her soooo much for a while now (some months). i recently started talking to her again, and she says that she has given me too many chances and will not take me back although she is willing to be friends. she has hinted that begging, being absolutely in love with her, would be enough to get her back. all of a sudden, im scared and obsessively missing her. been really sad for about a week. its hard to be objective b/c im in a different city, semi-alone, during the winter, which might magnify any emotions. what should i do? is it possible that the distance and that her making it so easy/emotionally stalking turned me off, but this has been a wake-up call? could the distance and lack of work have led to my apathy, when in reality love could be there? the issue is that in the end, its always her. i cant picture myself with any1 else. im very confused, but i will not make a serious move until i KNOW i want her back....we are so compatible and have so much love for ea/ other......HELP!
strife Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Your situation sounds very similar to mine, except my ex recently broke up with me, expressing some of the same feelings you described. I would take him back in a heartbeat, but not unless he is absolutely sure of what he wants. I can't tell what you're feeling from the other side, but I can say that you have to be committed to making the relationship work. Even if you figure out that she's the only one you want to be with, what is different this time? Are you willing to put her first when you're in town? Can you shower her with the love and attention that she willingly gives you? Or will you retreat when the relationship requires extra effort on your part? Just be careful not to hurt her again while you figure things out, otherwise she may lose faith.
Author confused 5 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Not a lot of people have replied, but a lot of people have read this so to help others and as a venting exercise, here’s an update of my situation: we have spoken many days in the past week. Really has been a downward spiral. I got to the point of begging. WOW, didn’t see this coming 6 months ago. I realize one thing: this girl is the most special person I have ever met. Period. I love her with all my heart. I can see right through her, and I find pure and absolute beauty. But, she has remained strong in her resolution of not taking me back or making promises. Then, in that instance of losing her [something that I never really thought possible (really, how arrogant can a person be?)] I absolutely broke down. I have not been able to get back up from that punch in the mouth….because I realize how special our connection is. So this is my goal: get her not to focus only on the negative, to try to see things as they really were for her. Only then will there be a little crack open for me to squeeze through and WIN her back. It’s very important for me that she demand the respect that she deserves because certainly a lack of respect on my part was a huge factor. I need to really realize that I might not get her back, and she needs to make her place be known. Now that I have laid all the cards down on the table, I will attempt not to talk to her, so that she may have time to think and find herself. I know the best thing for me is to hurt. To soak up the pain and give this situation time so that we may both realize what really happened. If we got back, it would have to involve a period of dating/thinking about it—this has to happen while in the same city, with our lives in order. Must also think about why we broke up….. Her defect was her insecurity, which led to a certain possessiveness. I felt like there was this huge hole in her life that she desperately needed to fill = emotional stranglehold over me. But, I think while in long distance there’s no real way to know how our relationship would be. Which leads me to the biggest issue: distance. We haven’t lived in the same place, but will within 1 year. Distance makes things so hard….I get so frustrated because I want her there all the time, and I want her to share my life. Also, all traumatic experiences in my life were caused by distance, hence I feel like it has a different significance for me. I’ll be waiting in the wings, finding myself and waiting for the moment to do whatever is necessary to win her love back. Is my perspective correct? Is it possible that distance really made me closed off and this intense love that I feel now was always aching to get out? By the way, I won’t make a move until in the same city and with complete assurance that I know what I want.
Haohmaru Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I realize one thing: this girl is the most special person I have ever met. Period. I love her with all my heart. Is my perspective correct? Is it possible that distance really made me closed off and this intense love that I feel now was always aching to get out? By the way, I won’t make a move until in the same city and with complete assurance that I know what I want. In the first quote you are adamant and sure. Then by the end you start asking questions. I know the best thing for me is to hurt. You are punishing yourself for not doing what you think is "right," loving someone back who loves you so much. But this self-imposed pain does not help her or you. She wants your love, not some half ass self punishment to justify your wishy-washiness. I’ll be waiting in the wings, finding myself and waiting for the moment to do whatever is necessary to win her love back. Love doesn't wait. Your situation reminds me of mine, and has brought to light a new perspective. You are not ready, or this is not the right girl. You are still holding out hope of a better match. Of course you are scared because this is a huge, life changing gamble you are taking with your life and your emotions. Love her and commit or leave her.
sedgwick Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 It sounds to me like you love her and you're realizing that. However, don't take her back until you're certain you can commit to her. She sounds pretty special.
Haohmaru Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Love her fully, COMMIT to loving her fully, and do it now. You'll make her the happiest woman in the world. **** this "finding yourself" ****. Go read a Deepak Chopra book and shut the **** up about that and love this girl out of her soxx RIGHT NOW, you big ****ing dummy.
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