Star Gazer Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 All or nothing – let me explain It’s more like I want a little more involvement. Your introduction is wholly inconsistent with the remainder of your message. If you give him an ultimatum, you have to take it as seriously as you want him to. If he doesn't give you EVERYTHING, you have to be prepared to give him NOTHING. Are you prepared for that? Doesn't seem like you are. You're constantly willing to accept crumbs and table scraps. You're like my adorable little chihuahua begging under my feet, showing me her pretty little eyes, just dying for any amount of food or affection I am willing to give her. Be a cat instead, LL.
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Noo.... I liked it. Those are your feelings. A guy for you should be able to handle all that. Well sh*t your right about that. One thing is for sure: We've been putting up with each other's crap for 2 yrs. My cousin Will was the one who gave me the advise to give Dan an ultimatum. He also said, "That's what every guy wants...a girl that will put up with their crap"....and obviously Dan puts up with mine. I just want the answer to why he gets to run away when ever he wants without explanation...knowing I hate it, he does it over and over. Fine if he gets a little amusement off me, but it can't stay this way, don't you agree? The 1st time I tried to cut it off a while back, he didn't take it seriously. When he came back, I sord of felt like he was evaluating me...getting to know me...as if maybe he really doesn't want to lose me...watching me when I'm not looking...and smiling... So after our last evening together, all night talking, perhaps something made him decide that yes, he'd be fine doing away with me. This could be a test...to see if I want to get serious and the moment it's clear that I do, he bolts.
oppath Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Yeah, you want more. Stop justifying it with "I don't have much time anyways." You do have time. You have enough time for a boyfriend, and you want a boyfriend. Maybe you don't have enough time for a 4 days a week boyfriend, but you have enough time. Quit justifying it. You want more. All or nothing means "give me more involvement. Give me what I want. Or I will walk away." You are accepting crumbs. This man will never give you what you want. He's demonstrated that for two years. So stop saying "well, actually, I don't really want that I am ok with this." Being with someone until you meet someone else is not going to help you meet that someone else. Dan will never be more than your every other week boy toy. I wouldn't be surprised if he looks at the calendar and counts off how many days between visits or talks so he can turn it around and say "I've acted this way consistently. I haven't led you on." I wouldn't be surprised if he intentionally looks at the calendar and says "it's been two weeks, we can hang out again because I'm not acting like I want more so I am absolved."
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Your introduction is wholly inconsistent with the remainder of your message. If you give him an ultimatum, you have to take it as seriously as you want him to. If he doesn't give you EVERYTHING, you have to be prepared to give him NOTHING. Are you prepared for that? Doesn't seem like you are. You're constantly willing to accept crumbs and table scraps. You're like my adorable little chihuahua begging under my feet, showing me her pretty little eyes, just dying for any amount of food or affection I am willing to give her. Be a cat instead, LL. Your right. Sorry Adriane, I went in and deleted the email! SG is right. I should just leave it at the note I left him last night, short and simple: "All or nothing with me, actions are louder than words, make your decision". If he calls, I can tell him the rest of what I'm feeling then I want. The email makes it sound like I regret the note. And I don't. So I even deleted it from his trash inbox! After our last argument, my note said "Please be fair and either end this or evaluate your behavior"....then he called to talk it out. He could have ditched me then, but he didn't. That was a little improvement. But he has to know it's not enough.
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Oppath, I used to say I hang out with Dan to fill lonely time. But that's since changed. I don't hang out with him for that reason. It's because I like him and his company. But anyway like I said, I went in and deleted the email so he won't even get it now. That leaves him with a simple note from last night...All or Nothing...and I feel better that way. Those are his only 2 choices. For him to go 2 weeks without calling is considered "in between", but that's not one of the choices I'm giving him. And I KNOW he gets that, because he knows it ticks me off.
Star Gazer Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Your right. Sorry Adriane, I went in and deleted the email! SG is right. I should just leave it at the note I left him last night, short and simple: "All or nothing with me, actions are louder than words, make your decision". If he calls, I can tell him the rest of what I'm feeling then I want. The email makes it sound like I regret the note. And I don't. So I even deleted it from his trash inbox! Trust me, LL. I know it's so much easier said than done (I know, I know), but you have to STAND by what you WANT, NEED, and DESERVE. Not one poster here on LS thinks Dan is capable of giving you what you want, need, and deserve. No one. Why are you settling? Sexual chemistry is NOT enough. Years from now when you're 8 months preggo or he's impotent, what will you have left? Nothing...which is just a little bit less than what you have now. After our last argument, my note said "Please be fair and either end this or evaluate your behavior"....then he called to talk it out. He could have ditched me then, but he didn't. That was a little improvement. But he has to know it's not enough. That wasn't an improvement at all! Of course he's not going to end this, LL. Why would he? You've proven that you'll accept whatever he's willing to give, no matter how small. You're also trying to convince yourself that his piddly crappy scraps are enough. But they're not. If they were enough, you wouldn't be so uncomfortable, sad, anxious, etc. He's soooo not good enough, LL.
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I just want the answer to why he gets to run away when ever he wants without explanation...knowing I hate it, he does it over and over. Fine if he gets a little amusement off me, but it can't stay this way, don't you agree? Yeah, that's good that you are telling him what you need. Communication is important. Hope he gets back to you soon. Your right. Sorry Adriane, I went in and deleted the email! SG is right. Haha. Well, at least you can do that. I remember someone saying in another forum that after you press "send" a window should pop up saying, "Are you sure you want to send this load?"
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Sent another email...much shorter...and sord of a different side of me but it's the real me: To go 2 weeks without calling or attempting to see me, I consdier that "in between" All or Nothing and it is not acceptable. You know this p***s me off. You f*** me whenever the h**l you want but you can't call to say "hi" in the least? It's bulls***. And I sure as h**l can't reach whenever I want, if I'm thinking about you, because your never home. P**sy must not be that great, or you'd work harder to keep it. Yea, I don't think I'll delete that one. Oh..when I said there was "improvement"...I meant in the communication dept...because 2 yrs. ago if he ticked me off, he disappeared for months. But that time he called just a couple days later, and we discussed what happened in a mature way...something I didn't used to be capable of...and it was surprising that he wanted to talk about it, because in the past he never wanted to talk about jack.
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Sent another email...much shorter...and sord of a different side of me but it's the real me Well, at least now with this you can check when he reads it. lol at It's bulls***. Maybe he is out of town or something. Who knows.
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Well, at least now with this you can check when he reads it. lol at It's bulls***. Maybe he is out of town or something. Who knows. He said he was going out of town around Valentines Day. That's 4 days away. He hasn't called for 2 weeks. Anyway, being out of town is not an excuse to me for not calling...everyone has cell phones he could borrow for 5 min. to say hi and I'm out of town. If he calls with that excuse, it won't mean sh*t to me. He KNOWS I'm wondering about him after 2 weeks. You know what though, chances are he will have an excuse of some sort. If he calls I should just say right off the bat, don't bother with an excuse. Phones are everywhere.
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 He said he was going out of town around Valentines Day. That's 4 days away. He hasn't called ...Phones are everywhere. Well, at least now he'll know that you are upset with that email and will probably contact you. It sounds like he is away, otherwise he'd probably have seen you this weekend.
Star Gazer Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Sent another email...much shorter...and sord of a different side of me but it's the real me: To go 2 weeks without calling or attempting to see me, I consdier that "in between" All or Nothing and it is not acceptable. You know this p***s me off. You f*** me whenever the h**l you want but you can't call to say "hi" in the least? It's bulls***. And I sure as h**l can't reach whenever I want, if I'm thinking about you, because your never home. P**sy must not be that great, or you'd work harder to keep it. Yea, I don't think I'll delete that one. You're still giving him a window!! UGH, LL!!!! Delete it and resend one that says, quite simply: "Whatever we had is now over. Delete all of my contact information, because I've already deleted all of yours. Don't bother coming to me with an excuse, or an apology, or any other BS. You've made your bed over the course of the last two years, and I'm now finally able to allow you to lie in it - ALONE."
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 You're still giving him a window!! UGH, LL!!!! Like they say back home: The broken laughing at the ripped. Here it'd be, look who's talking...
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 It sounds like he is away, otherwise he'd probably have seen you this weekend. I don't care about the weekend...I care about the 2 weeks! Plus, I sent him the email over a week ago letting him know where I'd be this weekend. If he knew he'd be away, and cared, he would have let me know that he won't be able to make it due to "going away". He's just being a jerk, plain and simple.
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 You're still giving him a window!! UGH, LL!!!! Delete it and resend one that says, quite simply: "Whatever we had is now over. Delete all of my contact information, because I've already deleted all of yours. Don't bother coming to me with an excuse, or an apology, or any other BS. You've made your bed over the course of the last two years, and I'm now finally able to allow you to lie in it - ALONE." I have already told him once before to forget about me, where I live, my phone number. That sounds good I'm thinking about changing it again...
Star Gazer Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Like they say back home: The broken laughing at the ripped. Here it'd be, look who's talking... And your point would be what, exactly? That someone who's been there, done that, can't try to stop someone else from inflicting upon themselves the same pain??
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 If he knew he'd be away, and cared, he would have let me know that he won't be able to make it due to "going away". He's just being a jerk, plain and simple. Ok, calm down now. Maybe he was caught up with the preparations, maybe he didn't want to give you an impression of a relationship. Talk to him and you'll find out what he is thinking etc. But yeah, he could have called you, I can see why you are upset.
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 And your point would be what, exactly? That someone who's been there, done that, can't try to stop someone else from inflicting upon themselves the same pain?? Your "all or nothing" drop him cold, advice. You were pretty tolerant with your relationship (and rightly so) so why not let LL be like that too?
Star Gazer Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I have already told him once before to forget about me, where I live, my phone number. But you didn't keep your own word, LL. How can you expect any sort of "commitment" from him (regardless of how small) when you can't even make good on your own commitment to break free? I've basically been in your shoes with a MUCH MORE committed man than Dan for the past 5 months. He told me in ways that I didn't want to hear (or, actually, SEE) that he wasn't ready, willing, or able to give me what I wanted. Finally, he actually said the words... and now here I am, hurting. And it's only been 5 months. I pray to God I'm not in your shoes 2 years from now. Break this, LL. NOW.
Star Gazer Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 You were pretty tolerant with your relationship (and rightly so) so why not let LL be like that too? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK. You teach people how to treat you. LL has taught Dan to treat her like a doormat. The only way she can repair that is to remove the door mat and lock the f'ing door.
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 I'm just going to stay silent now. I've tried to tell him it should be over before but I let him come back; so if I say the same thing again, he won't take it seriously again. I"m just going to leave it where it's at. Besides, saying "All or nothing" is almost the same thing as saying it's over...since I already know he's not up for ALL. But if he has anything to say, I'll give him the chance to say it, it just won't mean much unless he says "ALL!!"...not too likely.
Star Gazer Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 *Facepalms* Okay, LL. As long as you're willing to accept less than what you want, that's all you're EVER going to get.
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK. You teach people how to treat you. LL has taught Dan to treat her like a doormat. The only way she can repair that is to remove the door mat and lock the f'ing door. Did you guys break up for good? Well, I didn't know that part. Last I heard things were great. I can see your reaction now.
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 But see SG, I wasn't in your spot 2 years ago. What we had was way different then. It was casual, sporadic and I was okay with it, because I was actually busy chasing another dude at the time. I didn't think Dan was extremely attractive - so I wasn't very interested in getting to know him or any of that. Then we didn't talk for a whole year. So technically, this hasn't been going for a straight 2 yrs...that's just how long ago I met him. This has been going on a little over 2 months. We've behaved with each other much different than we used to...and more frequently. It got to the point where I looked over his attractiveness because I took time to know him better. After that, he grew more attractive to me. So for me, this whole scenario with him in unfamiliar territory, the feelings part anyway.
Kamille Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I'm just going to stay silent now. I've tried to tell him it should be over before but I let him come back; so if I say the same thing again, he won't take it seriously again. I"m just going to leave it where it's at. Besides, saying "All or nothing" is almost the same thing as saying it's over...since I already know he's not up for ALL. But if he has anything to say, I'll give him the chance to say it, it just won't mean much unless he says "ALL!!"...not too likely. One thing strikes me about this whole thread and it's how much you struggle with asking for what you want. In a way, it seems like you even have a hard time admitting it to yourself. You don't seem to feel like you have the right to do it, or maybe you're ignoring your needs in order to keep a window open because you're afraid of letting Dan go. You do want more - so I'm glad you asked for it. And LL, if he doesn't get in on the ALL, then he gets nothing. ok? promised? I know that deep down what you want is a loving relationship and I don't think you should settle for scraps. You also know that I am in the camp that believes Dan has shown in many ways that he isn't really worthy of being considered relationship material and that I also think that he's holding you back. but good luck. and stick to your guns, k babe?
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