LoveLace Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I posted about my last conflict with Dan, which occurred after our discussion that he doesn't want a "girlfriend" while I made it clear that I do want a "boyfriend". We established we want different things. So why is he being so much more attentive to our relationship (or friendship, whatever you wanna call it)? He still contacted me after I basically said it should be over, and we somehow had another wonderful evening out together as if it never happened. We casually mentioned it, that's about it. But at the end of that evening, we had a small incident which I posted about. A few days later, he called with the desire to actually discuss and communicate what happened. We debated and apparently we each had a different interpretation of what took place. Niether of us would budge on what we believed to be true, but the conversation happened without hostility or raising of voices. It was discussed maturely but sternly. We both admitted to whatever mistakes we each made at the time; yet blamed each other too. Anyway, I was impressed by these new found communication skills of ours. We chalked it all up to a misunderstanding. Then he came over and we were up all night long, mostly talking. Of course there was fooling around, but he talked my head off. We both did. It appeared he was enjoying this immensley. We've spent many nights together, but I don't think we've ever talked till dawn like that before. He asked what I want him to cook for me sometime. He held me very close all night while we slept and I felt closer to him then I ever have. So why is he acting more like a boyfriend after telling me he doesn't want a girlfriend? If he was using me for sex, why would he care about our problems enough to work them out? His excuse for not wanting a Gfriend was: "I loved once and I never will again"...but swears his last relationship (7 years long) did not "traumatize" him. They just "grew apart" he says. I'm stuck inside due to the snow. Humor me.
Pyro Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 He doesn't want you out of his life. More then likely, he is pretending to care so you keep interest in him enough to still have sex.
Author LoveLace Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 He doesn't want you out of his life. More then likely, he is pretending to care so you keep interest in him enough to still have sex. Could be, but I didnt' think guys would go through that much trouble for someone they didnt' really care about...he did tell me he likes me a lot though...guess maybe they might go through the trouble for that
Pyro Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Could be, but I didnt' think guys would go through that much trouble for someone they didnt' really care about...he did tell me he likes me a lot though...guess maybe they might go through the trouble for that Its an ego thing. You leaving means he has to admit defeat, so this is his way to not have to admit it.
quankanne Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 sounds like intellectually, he's convinced himself need another serious relationship because of what he's experienced before, but his heart is leading him in another direction. Because a man does not open up to a woman unless he feels really secure about trusting her with his heart and his innermost thoughts. sounds cheesy, but it's true. And it sounds like he's found that someone in you. so put your trust in that – if he just wanted boinking, he wouldn't be letting you inside sacred space. And if he's not interested in a deeper relationship, believe me, he'll let you know. Loudly. And back it up by carrying himself out of the door as quickly as his feet can! just be patient. Slow and steady wins the day
Author LoveLace Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Its an ego thing. You leaving means he has to admit defeat, so this is his way to not have to admit it. So it's only supposed to make him feel "successful" or powerful or something? Is he trying to overthrow the queen?
Pyro Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 So it's only supposed to make him feel "successful" or powerful or something? Is he trying to overthrow the queen? No one likes to admit failure, but I could totally be wrong about this. I am just going by the history between you two.
Author LoveLace Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 No one likes to admit failure, but I could totally be wrong about this. I am just going by the history between you two. Yea, our history is not the same as what's current. I only met him 2 yrs ago, but I admit I was less mature then, when it came to men. I admit to behavior that would chase them all away, Dan included. But while Dan and I weren't in touch for a whole year, I had experiences that made me grow, so perhaps that's part of what makes our friendship different this time. I used to be all about ME ME ME....I want this, I want that, I want all the attention...spoiled brat! But I started realizing it's fun to spoil guys too, they have desires too, etc, etc. I realized there should be equality of spoilage. The balance seems to be there between Dan and I lately...which I guess explains why the resolution to our last argument went so smoothly, I don't know...we took the time to hear each other out, I think.
Pyro Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Yea, our history is not the same as what's current. I only met him 2 yrs ago, but I admit I was less mature then, when it came to men. I admit to behavior that would chase them all away, Dan included. But while Dan and I weren't in touch for a whole year, I had experiences that made me grow, so perhaps that's part of what makes our friendship different this time. I used to be all about ME ME ME....I want this, I want that, I want all the attention...spoiled brat! But I started realizing it's fun to spoil guys too, they have desires too, etc, etc. I realized there should be equality of spoilage. The balance seems to be there between Dan and I lately...which I guess explains why the resolution to our last argument went so smoothly, I don't know...we took the time to hear each other out, I think. I do hope that i am wrong. In the meantime, don't rush into anything physical. Be patient and you'll see through time what his intentions really are. If he wants just the sex, he will grow impatient with you soon enough.
Author LoveLace Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 I do hope that i am wrong. In the meantime, don't rush into anything physical. Be patient and you'll see through time what his intentions really are. If he wants just the sex, he will grow impatient with you soon enough. Oh, I'm sorry Pyro, I guess you weren't aware...? Dan and I started out as sexual from the beginning 2 yrs ago...not until a couple months ago did it start seem like something mroe was there between us...the physical chemistry has always been strong...but now it seems like the rest is trying to catch up...we're always saying how much fun we have when we go out together....it's like we just noticed it after all this time..
Pyro Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Oh, I'm sorry Pyro, I guess you weren't aware...? Dan and I started out as sexual from the beginning 2 yrs ago...not until a couple months ago did it start seem like something mroe was there between us...the physical chemistry has always been strong...but now it seems like the rest is trying to catch up...we're always saying how much fun we have when we go out together....it's like we just noticed it after all this time.. I am aware of the history, but like I said, this sudden interest he is having may be due to an ego thing. He may only want you for sex and maybe for more. Thats why I said you should be patient with the sex. That will show you if he really does want more from you.
Author LoveLace Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 I am aware of the history, but like I said, this sudden interest he is having may be due to an ego thing. He may only want you for sex and maybe for more. Thats why I said you should be patient with the sex. That will show you if he really does want more from you. Oh I see...yea when he came over the other night, it wasn't like we were just hooking up for sex, which is how it always used to feel. There was a lot of talking 1st, then fooling around happened naturally. Then there was a lot more talking, then some more fooling around, then we talked ourselves to sleep in each other's arms...it was nice...
Pyro Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Oh I see...yea when he came over the other night, it wasn't like we were just hooking up for sex, which is how it always used to feel. There was a lot of talking 1st, then fooling around happened naturally. Then there was a lot more talking, then some more fooling around, then we talked ourselves to sleep in each other's arms...it was nice... Cool. Hope things continue on that way.
Author LoveLace Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 sounds like intellectually, he's convinced himself need another serious relationship because of what he's experienced before, but his heart is leading him in another direction. Because a man does not open up to a woman unless he feels really secure about trusting her with his heart and his innermost thoughts. sounds cheesy, but it's true. And it sounds like he's found that someone in you. so put your trust in that – if he just wanted boinking, he wouldn't be letting you inside sacred space. And if he's not interested in a deeper relationship, believe me, he'll let you know. Loudly. And back it up by carrying himself out of the door as quickly as his feet can! just be patient. Slow and steady wins the day In the past, he's accused me of being insecure that he's "going to leave"...and he's right. Everything's in good standing with us right now, but here I am already wondering if he will call again, while I know he will at the same time, I just don't know when. We've been steady been in touch for 2 months now, a long stretch for us, but it hasn't been without some confusion on my part. He also used to constantly accuse me of being mad at him, which was pretty much true. Sometimes, I think he tests me to see if I get insecure again.
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Hey LL, Wow, I thought this had potential. I was impressed by these new found communication skills of ours. We chalked it all up to a misunderstanding. Then he came over and we were up all night long, mostly talking. This sounds really really good. Has the markings of soulmate potential. Good luck
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Hey LL, Wow, I thought this had potential. I was impressed by these new found communication skills of ours. We chalked it all up to a misunderstanding. Then he came over and we were up all night long, mostly talking. This sounds really really good. Has the markings of soulmate potential. Good luck I've known the guy 2 years but I've never felt hurt by him; disappointed many times but not "hurt". I'm officially border-line tears today, because it's been 2 weeks since that wonderful night, and he hasn't acknowledged me at all. I sent him the very positive email which I know he read, I don't know if he's a little freaked out (cuz I know I am) or what. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong as far as behavior when with him last, so I feel so left hanging right now. When I asked for more, he started giving me that, but once we got closer he's disappeared. He thinks I"m insecure that he'll never call again...not the case. It's more like I am VERY secure in knowing that he's hurting me right now. I already posted, I gave him the old "All or nothing" ultimatum last night (in a note- because he doesn't have a cell and trying to reach him by phone is like trying to get through to the President). It also said "I don't have to tell you that time with me is worth your time and actions are louder than words"....I cringe at the thought that I did that...while at the same time, very glad that I did.
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 ....I cringe at the thought that I did that...while at the same time, very glad that I did. No, You did ok. What I like about this relationship is that you are being yourself and not trying to pretend something else or repressing yourself. This will probably wake him up and contact you again, since he's been quiet lately, and show him that you care. He'll talk to you in no time, relax. Or just call him. With this guy I don't think you can go wrong.
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 No, You did ok. What I like about this relationship is that you are being yourself and not trying to pretend something else or repressing yourself. This will probably wake him up and contact you again, since he's been quiet lately, and show him that you care. He'll talk to you in no time, relax. Or just call him. With this guy I don't think you can go wrong. ...nah...I don't feel comfortable calling after leaving him the nice little note...I've gone a week without calling...I'm on a roll!
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 ...nah...I don't feel comfortable calling after leaving him the nice little note...I've gone a week without calling...I'm on a roll! Well, you'll talk soon enough. Don't worry.
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Well, you'll talk soon enough. Don't worry. You mentioned the nature of my relationship with Marty...the consuming-all thing...that might be what Dan thinks I'm asking for and it's not. Frankly I got bored with Marty fast, since it moved so fast. What I want from Dan is more time, but a little more, not tons. I'm too busy for tons anyway...when I tried to squeeze Marty in every spare minute, I was exhausted. I hope I do get to explain to Dan that I'm all about "baby steps"...I just don't want to be stuck in one spot, like it's rush-hour traffic and it takes way too long to get somewhere. Eventually I can't just there anymore so when patience runs out, I get off at the nearest exit! But if the traffic could lighten up just a little, at least enough for me to go a few mph faster, maybe it's not full-speed but it's better than sitting in 1 spot...ya know? That's why I worry that "ALL or nothing" may sound too much like "I want to see you everyday"...which isn't the case. I just want him to be mine.
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 That's why I worry that "ALL or nothing" may sound too much like "I want to see you everyday"...which isn't the case. I just want him to be mine. He knows you by now. He won't freak out. I think he knows what you mean. Hope you hear from him soon. He's taking a while after you left that message, ha? You think he saw it? Well, you'll talk, that's for sure. You always do.
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Ad, I realized the possibility that he may not get the message...so I sent him an email...copy & pasted below. This way I was able to explain what I'm really asking for...for now, anyway. I started to tear up when I typed it! God, I must really, really feel something for him ]All or nothing – let me explain ]This doesn’t mean I want to see you everyday or lock you down like a nag. It’s more like I want a little more involvement. I wish you were there partying with me and my friends sometimes, for example. I wish I could see you not just when it’s convenient for YOU. I wish you could take a few minutes to call and say “hi” if your too busy to hang out for a couple weeks. It doesn’t feel very good to be thinking about you when it’s obvious your not really thinking about me. You are spending time with something or someone who is more important to you.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I don’t know if you agree that physical chemistry has gone a little beyond that. I wish this could be seen as a good thing vs. a bad thing. You don’t want to hurt me. I don’t want to be hurt. But I’m starting to feel more sensitive about that, so I should stop feeding on the sex and turn my back. Even though I found out your unique and I feel good with you weather we’re f**king or not. You made it clear what you don’t want. I don’t expect you to change your mind for me. Therefore, I don’t want to change my mind for you. I’m really taken back by how much more I’ve grown to like you. As you’ve already seen, I don’t know that I can really cut you off with sincerity. Maybe that job would be easier for you, though. Choose nothing and do nothing, it’s that simple. I’d be happy to talk about it more if you call and make plans to hang out. There’s no denying I’d love to see you. But not without pure honesty from you. Please, Dan, please don’t say things to make me think I mean something to you, if I don’t. That’s as honest as I can get so your honest response would be nice. I don’t know if your trying to disappear, just want space, or have other women, but this is the only way to get that answer. Thank you
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Haha... That's cute. If you don't scare him away with that, nothing will (lol) Well, at least you can check his email and see if he's read it.
Author LoveLace Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Well I don't think I want it to be "cute"...I'll go in and delete it then!
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Well I don't think I want it to be "cute"...I'll go in and delete it then! Noo.... I liked it. Those are your feelings. A guy for you should be able to handle all that.
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