Rowen Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 SO here I am. At my lunch break at work, drinking orange juice and trying to get rid of this headache. Anyway. It's been about 3 weeks since my ex broke up with her last bf, who abused her, and even before that was not happy with. WE have hung out twice in a month span. The 1 coffee date while she was still with him in late december. And our last dinner on jan 21. Just to update people who don't remember. She flirted at dinner, hugged me a couple times. Talked about memories, and how she wished she had got to know my familt better. She spiffed herself up nicely. She even played a bit of footsy with me. She was clearly nervuos, drank wine and shuffled around the whole time. But it was really good. She even admitted she was nervous. She askjed me about my and i asked her why she wanted to know.. she said "i need to see if you're the same person" and I asked her about this a nights ago on msn and she said she needed to see if I had changed .. she wouldn't give specifics.. she just said "change in general" during dinner she was very flirtatious as I said. Even called her recent abusive ex bf during dinner to go over and get the last of her stuff. WE hugged, it was nice and she talked about how we have such a good chemistry. Since that dinner about 10 days ago, she has gone pretty quiet. Not talking as much as usual, but when we did, she said she had a good time at dinner etc etc. I know it's still very fresh, her breaking it off with her guy and she said her heart is hurting still. My take on it right now is to keep going slow. .as frustrating as it is and painfull, I have to. I can't force anything or she will run for the hills as she made it clear she needs time. I asked her if she would get back together with her abusive ex and she said she couldn't make decisions that big until after she graduates in the next month or two. Right now i'm keeping a low profile. Making her initiate conversations mostly, sometimes I will on msn. She's still quite cold online to me, but when we're on the phone shes very warm and when we meet up shes extremely flirtatious. I do want her back. But I would also like some advice on taking this slow from people. Side note: She said she started wearing the T shirt of mine I left at her house (she used to wear it to bed every night) and she said she's wearing it again.
heartoutside Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I"m not sure why you 2 broke up, but I think what you are doing right now is good. But you've also got to keep focusing on yourself. I went through something similar to what you are going through right now and we both rushed things too fast! So now we are back to be broken up, only this time she knows she needs to be single for a little while. (When we first broke up, everyone was telling her that she should be single and figure things out, she didn't listen and she just jumped into a simi-relationship with a guy who she only dated for a month+). I still have crappy days where I ask myself why I'm putting up with this? and why I don't just walk away like I did last time? So right now I'm just taking it one day at a time... also, don't have sex for sometime. She and I jumped right back into the sack. I tried my hardest of a week or so to fight the urge to sleep with her. And all I can say is, you're starting all over and jumping right back into the sack doesn't solve a thing.
Author Rowen Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 I"m not sure why you 2 broke up, but I think what you are doing right now is good. But you've also got to keep focusing on yourself. I went through something similar to what you are going through right now and we both rushed things too fast! So now we are back to be broken up, only this time she knows she needs to be single for a little while. (When we first broke up, everyone was telling her that she should be single and figure things out, she didn't listen and she just jumped into a simi-relationship with a guy who she only dated for a month+). I still have crappy days where I ask myself why I'm putting up with this? and why I don't just walk away like I did last time? So right now I'm just taking it one day at a time... also, don't have sex for sometime. She and I jumped right back into the sack. I tried my hardest of a week or so to fight the urge to sleep with her. And all I can say is, you're starting all over and jumping right back into the sack doesn't solve a thing. Yeah I was thinking about that. Being single etc. My ex is scared of abandonment and she has always rebounded hard and had bad bad relationships where she got used. IE this last one she was in. I'm pretty sure I was a rebound. As painfull as it is.. I kinda hope she tkaes some time off. If she asked me to go out I would..... she knows im laid back and don't really make first moves anywya.
heartoutside Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Same here. My ex has horrible abandonment issues and has even said that if she goes to talk to someone, that's what they'll tell her. She hasn't been single longer then a month since she was 15. Well she's been single, but hasn't been "alone" since she was 15. There was always a guy she was either hanging out with, using to fill that void...which is exactly what the guy she saw when we broke up was, someone to fill the void. The hard part for us, is not getting caught up in it. They need help and they need to get it before our relationship can go to the next step.... I would take it as a good sign that she says she needs time. When my ex told me that when we got back together, I actually didn't really freak out, because I kind of agreed....it at least shows that they realize that they need to figure themselves out and be happy with themselves. Before they would just cover it with a band aid of another guy.......
Author Rowen Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Same here. My ex has horrible abandonment issues and has even said that if she goes to talk to someone, that's what they'll tell her. She hasn't been single longer then a month since she was 15. Well she's been single, but hasn't been "alone" since she was 15. There was always a guy she was either hanging out with, using to fill that void...which is exactly what the guy she saw when we broke up was, someone to fill the void. The hard part for us, is not getting caught up in it. They need help and they need to get it before our relationship can go to the next step.... I would take it as a good sign that she says she needs time. When my ex told me that when we got back together, I actually didn't really freak out, because I kind of agreed....it at least shows that they realize that they need to figure themselves out and be happy with themselves. Before they would just cover it with a band aid of another guy....... Yeah that's exatly like my ex. Always someone around and it's not been good for her. Her paretns divorced when she was 5. ANd her dad lives in st.louis. (i'm here in Vancouver canada) My ex didn't say she needs time.. but I think she knows it. She's trying to get out of town for a trip I think. She is limiting contact with me again. I'm just worried she will grab the first guy that shows interest in her again and this debocale will happen all over again. I really hope she learned. And I really hope I get a shot with her. Becuase she gave some pretty strong signals.
Author Rowen Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 And she comes on msn twice and doesnt talk to me again... frustrating. I'm thinking all bad thoughts, like she isn't interested in me anymore or something... impossible.. ughhhhh ih ate thiis.
CalamitousJane Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Rowen, listen, She's totally interested in you, and she's also totally a loose cannon. I can tell by your writing that she feels a strong emotional attachment to you, as you do to her. It's the feeling that we call "love". But I don't think she's capable of the PRACTICE of love, which is different from the FEELING of love. I'm starting to understand that the ability to practice love is a skill like riding a bicycle. You are mastering it by practicing it on her. You are practicing love by being committed, devoted and caring toward her. She is not capable of the same practice, toward you or anyone, and nothing you do directly will make her become more capable. I think usually this capability increases as a result of introspection brought about by suffering. The longer you protect her from suffering, the longer you delay the possibility of introspection. Just my humble opinion.. Meanwhile, YOU can sleep well, knowing you're doing everything you can. Heartoutside, the same goes for you. I'm hoping that my next relationship is with someone like either of you.
Author Rowen Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 I appreciate your imput for sure. I agree with you. She is attached to me and is a loose cannon. To give her some credit and me some blame.. when I met her, she said "i have some baggage, and I will tell you about all of it over our first dates" I said.. "ok... bring it on" She did and it worked out. Now on to this now.. I talked to her tonight online. HS ewas cold cold cold as ice to start... I then was tired of it and just said "i had a really good time with you at dinner last week" and she completley opened up. I asked her to dinner or coffee next week and she opened up "that would be really good andrew" "i agree with you, I had a great time" blah blah blah. So it's on for next week and the next step will be taken next week. SHe's going away with her good friend this weekend on a bit of a trip. Seems as thought she was waiting for me to pursue her....
CalamitousJane Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Rest well this weekend then, and focus some of that loving energy onto yourself!
heartoutside Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I actually saw my ex tonight at work...Didn't think she would be there. She did say hi this time And then made a joke later in the night. But that's about all. I sent her a text the other night just saying hi and didn't get a reply. Right now she's got a super busy schedule with work and school. We are both going to a little gathering at a bar this weekend for our buddy who's coming into town. I'm not really sure how I should act around her or what? It's a hard one for me, because my ex has said to me everything that everyone on LS wants to hear from their ex when they break up with them and then come back. I mean she said everything I had been waiting to hear and never thought I would hear....so I"m not sure what to do because I know she feels this way, but just is lost maybe? who knows......
Author Rowen Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 Well this is the first weekend in a long time i have felt comfertable. She is away with her good friend but i know she reallyt wants to go out for dinner with me in the up coming week. I feel no pressure to contat her. Im going to leave her be. She needs it, she needs the time off and the pressure off.
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