How do you NC someone you see everyday?

[Belkin]

Thanks for your support Jackieboy! It's always a great boost to read your posts, you seem to always find the right words to cheer me up a bit As for yesterday evening, I went to the movies (saw Cloverfield: besides the breakup scene at the beginning, no reminders of my situation! Just a big fat ugly monster wrecking NY, as you'd expect!) and when I came back she still had not arrived. So (it was already past midnight) I just went to my room, closed all doors, and missed her arrival Just saw her today but managed to more or less ignore her (not easy when she's talking to someone over your shoulder, believe me! I just concentrated on my Chinese characters and afternoon snack, and she eventually left... phew.) Don't know what she's up to now, and don't want to know.

 

However, I was really wondering Jackieboy. When I told her I wanted to see the two of them together the less possible, she totally understood and so far they haven't been too obvious around me. (It could be better of course... But I'm not going to go through the pain of explaining it to her again!) Soooo my question is, did you, at the time, tell her how much it hurt you when you heard/saw them together, and why did she ignore it? Or did you not tell her hoping to appear strong and unaffected by the breakup? And one last question, from a post far up: You said it took 2 months, but were you with them during these two months and after? How did you behave with her once you passed the 'Enough, enough. I'm better then this, I deserve better then this and who the hell is she anyway?' stage? Because in 5 months we'll be definitely separated as the school year will end and I'll leave the campus for my last year, but I'd still like to get over this before!

 

Again, thank you so much for your answers. It's really helping me A LOT.

Edited February 11, 2008 by Belkin

[Jackieboy]

Belkin I will try and answer your questions as best I can:

I was going to ask her not to be so obvious as at that stage I knew they were an item (I had seen them together) but they had at that time not er.... spent the night together that I knew of, additionally at that stage I really had difficulty coping, she was on my mind all the while. However, and I remember this so so clearly, I heard them in the night but the following morning I actually bumped into the two of them as they left her room together. It was at that point that something mentally tripped over in my mind and I just thought 'Enough, enough.... etc'. I actually saw her again later that day and told her not to be embarassed and that it was fine and do you know what, it really had started to be ok. I'm not sure if telling them to cool it when I was around would have been such a good idea to be honest. If you have already done it then no worries just leave it now, you have said what you needed to say.

 

From that moment when I saw them leaving her room, whilst it was still not a great situation, I simply knew deep down I really would be ok, it was as though a weight had been taken off my shoulders. Now I won't give you a time scale Belkin, I think that would be unhelpful. People deal with situations in their own time and you have to reach pivotal points on your own as opposed to a set scale. But, the whole really really bad part lasted about 2 months. We subsequently lost contact but afterwards I found I had stopped caring and I found I could smile at her, say hello, pass a couple of words and move on because I simply did really not care any more. When you no longer care you can talk to her but I would suggest not yet, its still too raw. You will however know when that point has been reached.

 

I'm glad this is helping in some way, I really feel for you but I know in my heart you will be ok. As I have said before I am so much happier now and what I learned from my mistakes has honestly made me a better person and means I treat the people I am with now way way better then I did before. There are good things that will come out of this and you will be all the better for it.

 

Better sign off now but will check in later. Stay strong you are getting there Belkin.

[Cool Chick]

Belkin I'm sooo sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm going through something similar right now too and it's just killing me. The difference being that my guy lives next door and I can't help seeing who's visiting and what he's doing every day! It's driving me insane....we used to be so close, like best friends and now I feel so empty and hurt. I'm trying to sort everything out in my mind and it's just not working. I've had the odd good day since going NC, but he called on Friday and I picked up the phone without looking to see who was calling :(It's been a setback and I feel terrible again, on top of the news from a mutual friend that he's planning to move out to be with his ex *sniff*

 

CC

[vintagecat]

Belkin and others going through this,

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel, just hold tough to your efforts to move on with dignity. A question that I might have missed: Is it possible to trade spaces or better yet buildings with someone else? To get away from her door step would be to your advantage right now.

 

Your strategy to look at this girl with a critical eye works. When forced to see her pick her apart in your head. She is not all that I promise you given her actions, which will probably be repeated history with this new guy in a few months and if it does she'll likely repeat offend until she works her way through the campus and beyond.

 

You were lucky that you got away as soon as you did. While it sounds childish and vindictive to be hypercritical, you have given her too much power to hurt you, a privilege that she didn't earn, and you need to take back that power. Knocking her image (and it is just an image) down in your head is one very effective way to do it. In the future beware against giving your heart away too soon to someone that hasn't proven their worth and integrity.

 

Concentrate on being the best you that you can be and you will have nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck to you.

 

Cat

[Belkin]

To Jackieboy:

About telling her to cool it, it was when we had our last polite and cordial conversation. I just told her it would hurt me to see them close together, and she said that of course, she understood, and she'd go at his place rather than him coming to her's (and by extension, almost mine.) I'm not worried about that at all! And so far I haven't seen him around our building (except when he came to see other people, but that has nothing to do with her.) As for the time scale, as I wrote before, it's upper bound is five months. Quite a bit, but if it comes to that... well so be it.

 

To Coolchick:

Ouch... I read your story, and I feel for you... We're more or less in the same boat, waiting for geographical separation I guess... I know how hard it is to prevent yourself from looking out your window at his house, from wondering whose car is parked in front... Please, do not torment yourself with this. Occupy yourself! Do sports, music, go out... whatever. That's what works best for me, as long as I have to focus on something. Movies aren't that good actually, unless there's lots of action (like Cloverfield, I recommend it to all going through a breakup: watching 90 minutes of an alien thrashing NY gets your mind off your ex! (I don't recommend it to those simply wanting to watch a good movie, but I suppose if you want movie reviews you won't be looking here )) So good luck Coolchick, keep posting, it really helps.

 

To Vintagecat:

I know there's light at the end, but the tunnel seems sooooo long! And I'm not walking too fast either... Considering changing buildings, big no! All my friends are here, we moved to this floor last April to be together. And normally she should be moving around beginning of April to go with her 1st-year friends in another building (like my friends and I did), so I'm keeping my room, period ! As for her trying out all the guys on campus, she truely didn't seem like that sort of girl. I was her first real boyfriend, she had never gone out so long with someone before. I get the impression that I gave her a taste of what being with someone was like, that she liked it, and decided to try all the flavors available as quick as possible! She really acted immature when we broke up, I had to be the one to initiate all the talking and ask her if she wanted to end it. Same situation again when I asked her about her new bf, and if that had a relation with our breakup. Finally, I'm not so sure about being lucky to have got away so soon, I wouldn't have said no to another couple of months ! However you're right, I'll be less trustful at first in my next relationships... One of the lessons learned...

 

( Just reread my post, and saw a lot of happy smileys in it. It's a good sign I suppose! )

Edited February 12, 2008 by Belkin

[Belkin]

Saw her twice at lunch... Each time a big hurt... Second time she was sitting at a table with *****, just the two of them... And they waved at a friend of mine, so I looked at the mouvement and saw them smiling and waving to the person right next to me... I looked away of course, but the harm was done... If only I could not see them at all, I always fall so far back when I do! Take it one day at a time, and one day it will be over finally...

[Belkin]

Well it had to happen one time or another I guess... Here I am, working in the common room, and she passes to go to her room. Then guess who turns up following her? yup, that's right... Can't even have peace when I'm on MY floor doing MY stuff...

 

Just ranting, but I need to get it out... This thread changed from a cry for help into my personnal blog it seems!

[SarahT111]

Well it had to happen one time or another I guess... Here I am, working in the common room, and she passes to go to her room. Then guess who turns up following her? yup, that's right... Can't even have peace when I'm on MY floor doing MY stuff...

 

Just ranting, but I need to get it out... This thread changed from a cry for help into my personnal blog it seems!

 

Hey Belkin!

How are ya doing!?

I just read through your posts and i defiently know how your feeling! It really is like getting a dagger through the heart each time you see someone you love sharing what they once sharred with you with SOMEONE else! Your in a difficult situation but you seem to be handling it with such dignity! I look up to you! Keep your head up and you will be ok!

 

I know she cant see this (and maybe neither can you) but you are so much of a better person and i really mean it from the bottom of my heart. What your going through is unbelievely hard yet you and handling it so well. She on the other hand knows what you are going through yet she has the nerve to rub it in your face and make your life hell. I no it doesn't seem like it now but you are so lucky to get away from this kind of person! You deserve a better girl. I know right now all you want is her but soon you will meet someone else who treats you with ALOT more respects and then you will finally realise how nasty she is and how much better off you are without her!

And I know that wont really help right now, all you can do is keep you head held high and keep posting! Your going to be ok and you will attract the sort of love you deserve. She wont ever get long lasting love like you will. Trust me those types of people dont!!

 

look after yourself!!

Sarah

Edited February 13, 2008 by SarahT111

[Belkin]

Thank you Sarah! Knowing what you're going through, I really appreciate that you care to support me thus. I suppose it also helps you in a way right? When you give advice to others you also sort of give advice to yourself, and try to persuade two people at the same time (at least it's like that for me right now!)

 

I don't know why, but these last few days have been so hard. I've started crying again (I cried in front of Prison Break [the TV show, not the LS poster!] yesterday: now how is that even possible?), and have trouble sleeping as well (fall asleep late, wake up early, dream about her all night.) But hey, I'm not back to step one: I still have an appetite!

 

I keep catching myself imagining how she would come back to me, tell me she's sorry, that she regrets etc... Each time I tell myself to stop, that it WON'T happen, that even if it did she's not worth it, but I'm too tired to fight for long. And she comes back to my thoughts...

 

The one positive aspect of this whole thing is that, contrarily to many posters here, I don't blame myself for anything. I know I did the best, that there is nothing to regret on my part. The breakup was entirely her fault, whatever the true reason. Curiously, instead of making me feel like s**t, like I'm worth nothing and will never find love again, this experience has made me much more trustful in the future and self-confident. I just wish my future could also have been hers, but it seems like not. I also wish my future could brighten up faster: I'm doing all I can for that, but it's just not working too well for now.

 

Well that was my post of the evening... I'm trying to push a few friends into going out tonight (shouldn't they be the ones pushing me btw?) So there.

 

Good luck to all, looking foward to the end of this...

[SarahT111]

Heya Belkin!

 

Dw about the last few days! I had a phase where I thought it was getting through it and it was going to be ok only for some reason to fall right back to stage one and be a TOTAL mess again. Once your out of this phase things will start to get batter. There will be many ups and downs (im sure you already no that) just what every you do don't give in when your down and do something stupid. Just remember that even in your darkest hour it will only last 60 minutes then you will be able to feel better again.

 

I completly understand the imagining thing. I always find my mind running away and imagining him saying hes sorry and that he still loves me. I guess it makes me feel better for a short time but the reality is that it makes we worse in the long run. I cant help it sometimes tho! especailly when im tired or just feeling really sad.

 

And Belkin you are soooooooooooooooooooooooooo lucky that you have no guilt!! This is the absolute worst past for me! To think that I deserve to be where I am now and that I bought it all on myself is absolute tourture. I don't even know if I did but whenever I think of him for some reason all the good stuff hes said and done over the two years is the only thing i can think about. In contrast all I can think about ive the stupid stuff ive said or done. He was pretty nasty to me when he left for some other girl saying it was ALL my fault etc etc and then he acted like I had done something terrible and never spoke to me again so it really feels like everything is all my fault! And the fact that I was soo easy to replace! If i had been a great gf i would be hard to replace right?

 

Anyway thats fantastic that you have hope for the future now!! It will brighten up with time I promise! And you will fine someone who you deserve to be with! Hope you have a good night out! Keep posting!

 

Sarah

[Belkin]

Well actually no ones going out coz we're going out tomorrow (since when can't we do that twice in a row? ) At least I managed to launch a network computer game, so that'll occupy me quite a bit!

 

And yeah, when I read others posts I know how lucky I am to not have guilt! I almost pity her for leaving such a great guy as me Tell yourself you attracted him in the first place, and that this means something. It was so mean of him to blame it all on you, I can't even imagine how one could be so insensitive and hurtful on purpose... It was quite the contrary with my ex (it hurts so much to write 'ex' and not 'gf' ! ) : she didn't have the courage to tell me it was over, I had to be the one to initiate the breakup after realizing that she was truely avoiding me. Yes, she hurt me a lot, but I really think she has no idea what I'm going through and what I feel each time I see her, him, or worse them. She's not mean, just terribly immature...

 

I know I'm not the best to judge you, but from what I read of your posts you seem like such a great person, and gf. Maybe you should write down on LS exactly what it is you think you've done to 'deserve' this. And we will all tell you how wrong you are, that you did not at all do anything to 'deserve' breaking up, and that all the fault goes to him. When I look back on my relationship, of course there are a few things I regret not having done or said, but I know none of them were reason enough for a breakup. Once you'll have accepted that, you'll know what a great person you are (hey, you're one of the good one after all!) and you'll know that others will love you.

[dfreeman]

We all slip back - I have started crying again and feel crappy because of Val Day and my Birthday 5 days apart...we all drift.

 

I agree with Sarah - be damn happy you don't have the regret to deal with. I am about 95% sure that this break up is the best thing for me and I am still kicking myself for being such an ass and making myself so forgettable in the end

[SarahT111]

Ok I'll try and write it down! Its quite long and might not even make sense but i'll try!

 

I had been after him for ages before we got together! He knew i really liked him and lead me on when he was single. But he doesn't stay single for long and jumps from girl to girl very fast. Despite knowing I really liked him he never asked me out and only talked/flirted with me when he didn't have a gf or some girl to go after. When we finally did get together the behaviour continued. He told me he still liked his ex gf and even showed me the txts he send her trying to get her back. Then when she rejected him he went after another hot blonde girl. I stupidly stayed with him all this time. He had my heart right from day1 so i waited. (I know you already think im nuts)

Anyway the behaviour finally stopped and everything was perfect for about a year. We really loved each other and it was amazing!

However problems started to creep in (this is where im scared i stuffed up)

Despite my best efforts none of his friends liked me! They were very cruel and nasty to me and he never stuck up for me. At the same time his family decided they didnt like me either, they were soooooooooo nasty to me and send me abusive txts to stay away from their son. Now if i had done sonething wrong I would admit it but I was on my absolute best behaviour every second I was around his family and friends! I did so much for his family and would run around after them and buy presents to get them to like me, but they continued to be really nasty to me. And my ex did nothing to help the situation despite me begging for him to talk to his mum or let me do it. After 6 months of this going on all he did was send a measly txt to his mum asking her what the problem was. It got so much that I couldnt go round there anymore so my bf spend most of his time with my fam and friends. They were amazing and went out of their way to make him comfortable.

 

I started to get annoyed that I was giving so much but getting nothin back and I got confused about whether I wanted this or not so I guess I started pushing him away. I felt so bad that my family did so much for his but got nothing in return. I also felt bad that everyone hated me so much and it made me grumpy with him alot. I tried to get him to talk to his family and friends but he wouldn't and he didnt want me to either as he was scared I would give him a bad name infront of them. So ya i got grumpy with him and didn't always want him around. He continued to love me but I couldn't always be affectionate back, I felt like I was ripping a family apart! This cause ALOT of fighting!!!

 

Anyway I guess seen I pushed him away he returned to his old ways and started going after other girls again behind my back. He would have big long talks with some other girl and his friends and family who convinced him i was treating him like dirt and eventually they convinced him to dump me. I tried to beg for him but he was soooooooooooooo cold and nasty He had a new gf the next day and my heart was ripped to pieces! And i can't help but blame myself for pushing him away! We were sooooooooooooooooo close at one stage and I loved him with all my heart! If I had just continued to support him and not distance myself none of this would have happened!

 

Now i dont know what to think!

 

So let me know if you think its all my fault but please dont be to mean as im already beating myself up enough over it!

[Belkin]

Okay Sarah... Now reread your thread, and try to react as if it were someone else's. Believe me, I was expecting you to write stuff like "I cheated on him", "I didn't show him my love", "I was too neady"... But what you wrote? No way it's your fault! From what you wrote, you depict him as worthless, jumping from girl to girl, making no effort whatsoever for your relation, not caring about your feelings, self-centered... I don't know him, I just know what you wrote of him, remember that. So if that's the image you give of him, do you really think you should be with him? Do you want someone such as you depicted? Or do you want someone like me ? Because trust me, there are so many guys much better than him around. You seem worth so much more than him, it's amazing you. Your mistake is not breaking up, its falling for him in the first place Sarah! Sarah, you WILL be so much more happy with someone else, I know it.

Edited February 13, 2008 by Belkin

[SarahT111]

But I didn't show my love!! And i feel so stupid for not doing it! I loved him so much but for sum stupid reason I never really told him because I was so upset with what was going on! And he really did care about me and my feelings and I matched it untill all the stuff with his friends and family started happeneing! He is a great guy and he really cared for me but I guess I didn't return it!

Ahhh i really dont know what to think!!!

Thanks for you input anyway!!!

[dfreeman]

It's simple sarah,

 

You and your family are cut from far better fabric than him and his family!

[SarahT111]

Thnakyou dfreeman!

For once I agree!

[Belkin]

So we agree on that point dfreeman! And so do you Sarah, from what you wrote. i mean really, he SHOWED you the txts he was sending to his ex to get her back??? What kind of person does that? Reread what you post being as objective as possible. What you're missing is the relationship, not him. Take this time alone to sort yourself out, and forget him. He isn't worth it, and I'm not saying that only to get you to move on, he really isn't. Do you really want to spend your life with someone like him? Being alone sucks, I know, but it's the only way out of this. Soon you'll find someone great who will truely care about you. And you'll look back and shake your head in disgust at your ex. Don't forget to come post in LS when that day comes though Stop telling yourself it's your fault you broke up, because hey, Sarah it wasn't your fault, he was a real jerk.

Edited February 14, 2008 by Belkin

[SarahT111]

Thanks Belkin!

 

Your right I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like him! I hate being alone i guess! Id never really met anyone who loved me untill he came along! Anyway im sorry for stealing your post and turning it round so its all about me! I'll go back to my own posts!! Thanks for your kind words tho! I feel better!

[Belkin]

Yeah, give me back my thread! Tonight I'm going out to a VDay's party [i've used this term 'party' quite a lot now, but since I'm not a native English speaker, can someone tell me if it's totally inappropriate? Thanks.] with friends. At least I won't be worrying about who she'll end up with, I already know that, hah. (I hope they're not coming too btw ) So I'll probably get drunk and try to have fun... We'll see how that turns out. If all goes well I won't see them again till Monday as I'm going home for the WE. [Now how ironic is that, I just heard her talking in the corridor!] So much for Monday...

 

I just watched a few episodes of How I met your Mother ('our' TV show) and I'm starting to see it as just a TV show rather than our TV show. So that's a good point I guess. [Didn't get to drive her car yet though Thanks for the thread claiming back your life, PrisonBreak! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t143572/ ] That's all for now I guess... I'm more tired than anything right now, positive aspect of bad sleep...

Edited February 14, 2008 by Belkin

[Belkin]

Well it's been 19 days since I last talked to her or looked at her on purpose. And I hadn't seen or heard her since last Thursday (I went to my parent's for the WE, that's why.) I actually had times when I didn't think of her at all: and when she came back to my thoughts I was pleasantly surprised to see she had gone for a bit! But then at lunch I saw her sitting with *****, and that hurt like hell again. So I guess I need to continue NC for some time!

 

I'm abandoning the idea of pretending I don't care in order to have some quality NC. I'm planning on skipping the next few parties/meetings she (and/or he) will be attending. I already missed such a meeting, and didn't regret it one bit. I'm basically just waiting for the winter break now (end of the week) when I'll go snowboarding for a whole week before returning to the campus. I hope I'll be able to make some huge progress during that week...

 

Just felt the need to write about my own story after today's lunch. This is hard, no doubt. I'm almost glad I don't have to cry over a longer first love relationship like so many of you out there. I mean, if I had been with her for 18 months and then this had happened...

 

I hate 2008 so much! Breakup, dog dies, ex actually had new bf, financial issues with next year's admission... But hey, it could be worse (probably will get worse the way things are turning out though!) I'll keep you updated...

[Belkin]

I just realized I'm weird... After my breakup, I did not believe it was my fault, I gained confidence in myself, I find contact harder than no contact... Just that I miss her sooooo much seems normal!

 

Lucky me, I guess...

[Belkin]

Things are getting harder everyday for me... I feel that with each passing day, she gets closer to ****** and further away from me... Whenever I see her it hurts more each time... I actually cried myself to sleep yesterday, hadn't happened for a long time! It's awful to see her so happy and joyful while I'm so down... And when I see the two of them together, it revives my pain so much! I should be the one eating with her, watching movies with her, cuddling with her, sleeping with her... But I'm not anymore, I've been replaced by ***** now... I don't know how I'm going to live through this. I had great hopes on the upcoming vacations, but now I think the return to campus after vacations is going to be so terrible. I miss you so much!

[SarahT111]

Hey Belkin!

 

Sorry to hear things are getting harder

But they have to get worse to get better!

Dont worry the other day I went through a week of the most difficult pain ever. I hit rock bottom. I wanted to die. I seriousy considered ending it. I was in terrible physical pain everyday. It was the lowest I had been.

Then today I wake up and its not so bad. I mean I still feel like crap and depressed but the physical pain has gone for now.

I guess we are on that rollercoaster! I dread going back down!!!!! I get so down its scary!!!

 

I know how awful it is to see them happy together and acting like they don't have a care in the world! Yet here you are with ur heart ripped to pieces while their lives haven't been better! Does she act like you dont exsist aswell?

With every passing day I know my ex is getting closer and closer to this new girl and my memory fades away! He acted like I didn't exsist from the first day so not like he keeps a cherished memory of me anyway!!!

 

Im really starting to question faith and everything!

How on earth can they treat us like this and get away with it!?

Here we are misrable as hell while they are happier than ever after having treated us like dirt!

HOW DO THEY GET AWAY WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shouldn't they be misrable while we are out there happy!

It kinda of seems like the good people always get crushed and have bad things happening to them while bad people get away with it and couldn't be happier!!

Its sooooooooooo unfair!!

 

I want to tell you your so much better than this girl because you are. But I know that doesn't help! People tell me I deserve better all the time and that hes a real loser yet it doesn't stop me wanting him! NOTHING gets him out of my head! Even after he was sooo cruel and heartless and treated me like dirt!!!!!!!!!

 

What are we going to do with ourselfves!!!!

 

Sorry I really haven't helped you at all have I! I want so much to tell you it will all get better and our exs will get what they deserve but I dont even no myself!!

 

If anyone else is reading this and they got thru a similar situation and the ex got what they deserved please let us kno!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Belkin]

Thanks a lot Sarah, you HAVE helped me here!

 

I followed your last posts of course, so I know how far down you have been... It's great that you're feeling better now!

 

To answer your question, no, she does not ignore me, I'm the one trying to ignore her. She acts as if everything's fine, bouncing around as happy as ever. I don't talk to her, don't look at her, yet she still officially lives on my floor so I keep on bumping into her... And I think she has this crazy idea that we could be friends as if I could forgive her for what she did, for what she is doing right now. She keeps intruding into conversations I have with common friends, acting as if there was nothing wrong between us two. Yet she never tried to talk to me in private; from the way she acted about the breakup I think she just doesn't have the courage and maturity to do so.

 

But as you, despite all that, I still irrationally love her! I know I deserve better, yet she is the one I want at my side... Still haven't had a good night's sleep since last week when I started falling back down.

 

As for them getting what they deserve, that would be nice, but I don't believe in that sort of superior justice. Many bad people live great lives without remorse, unfortunately. And many good people suffer hell. You can't do much about others, but you sure can do a lot for yourself.

 

First, stop telling yourself you are ugly, boring and shy. That won't get you anywhere! You can do a lot to change that, right now. Join a club at your uni, talk to strangers, be passionate about what you do and you won't be boring and shy for long! Get back that confidence you had when you were with your ex, only instead of being confident for him, do it for you. Get that smile back on your face, dress up nicely, get a new haircut: you won't be a blond bimbo (who btw only attract guys looking for sex, who will dump them when they get bored, or vice versa) but you'll revive that attractive girl in you that hid away when your ex left, that's for sure!

 

Come on Sarah, we can do this Keep posting, and one day we'll wake up and know we're through! And btw, could you fill up your profile info (age, location...)? Just so I know a bit more about who I've been chatting with for a few weeks now!