When you know nothing

[eeyore1980]

I appreciate your kind words. I would like to make this marriage work, and also be a good one. In order for me to do this, I need to find out how to be able to cope with this. I know my husband is lying, so how do I work past that and figure out a way to be ok with it? Is there any way? I can't believe I am unique in this situation, there has to be others out there who have gotten past this kind of thing. I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life, and constantly obsessing about this, and ragging about it, you know what I mean? Life is just too short for this kind of misery to drag on and on. I need to know how to get these bad thoughts out of my head.

[eeyore1980]

he had and affair and now I am just lost, lonely and depressed smoking a pack a day.

 

Yeah, ain't it great? I worked really hard and quit smoking for a year and a half, now I've started back, and smoke twice as much as I ever have in my life. The fun never ends.

[Elilmomma]

Honestly I wish I had an answer for you unfortunately I don't know how to get past it myself. I guess like they say time heals all wounds. You are right life is way to short to be miserable. Maybe you can try some counseling or marriage counseling? Maybe he doesn't want to tell you the truth because he doesn't want to hurt you anymore than you already are? I don't know what's worse knowing or the not knowing? With my hubby he says he told me everything , but all I have is his word and right now his words don't mean squat to me. Actions speak louder than words. If you don't mind me asking.So how does your hubby act towards you now? Is he more attentive to you now? is he acting remorseful? Maybe we can come up with some sort of solution together? I feel bad if only there was more that I could do to help you out, I know I wish someone was there for me just a shoulder to cry on or to vent or for some non judgemental advice. Just remember you are not alone there are alot of people in similar situations. I hope you are able to find some peace, you don't deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life.... I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody.. if you need to talk like I said I am here.....

[eeyore1980]

Elilmomma, I can tell you some of the things I believe, and one of those is you would benefit greatly by throwing out all these cliches you are clinging to. Time does not heal all wounds. Kharma, that insinuates you are going through this from past actions, maybe even from a past life.

You told your husband to find someone else, and he did. You were wrong to tell him that, and I believe he was wrong to do it. In this case, I believe you were both at fault, and I think for you to get to a better place, this needs to be out in the open, and you both need to recognize, which, btw, I feel you have and he hasn't, the part you have both played to get you where you are now, what you want your marriage to be, work towards a compromise where you both are getting your most important needs met, and go on. You have taken responsibility for telling him to find another woman, but you haven't tried to show him his responsibility for how he treated you after you lost your baby, which put you in that place to begin with. This stuff needs to be taken care of, if you guys are going to have any hope to make things better, and stop being miserable.

Keep in mind this is just my opinion, I'm not a licensed therapist or anything like that, so take it or leave it.

 

 

Honestly I wish I had an answer for you unfortunately I don't know how to get past it myself. I guess like they say time heals all wounds. You are right life is way to short to be miserable. Maybe you can try some counseling or marriage counseling? Maybe he doesn't want to tell you the truth because he doesn't want to hurt you anymore than you already are? I don't know what's worse knowing or the not knowing? With my hubby he says he told me everything , but all I have is his word and right now his words don't mean squat to me. Actions speak louder than words. If you don't mind me asking.So how does your hubby act towards you now? Is he more attentive to you now? is he acting remorseful? Maybe we can come up with some sort of solution together? I feel bad if only there was more that I could do to help you out, I know I wish someone was there for me just a shoulder to cry on or to vent or for some non judgemental advice. Just remember you are not alone there are alot of people in similar situations. I hope you are able to find some peace, you don't deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life.... I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody.. if you need to talk like I said I am here.....

[BetrayedMM]

OK, good. You are aware of the gaslighting, and how it keeps you off balance.

 

Now, you are looking for ways to accept being treated that way. You deserve better than that. It does feel like they are deliberately trying to keep you off balance, doesn't it? That's because they are desperate to hide the truth, and they are in denial about the fact that you already know. They think if they keep you off balance long enough, you will believe them rather than your own eyes.

 

It is a form of abuse. It is deliberate, intentional, calculated. Do not accept being treated that way. Accepting it should not be the goal.

 

Accept nothing less than the love you deserve.

 

 

 

I appreciate your kind words. I would like to make this marriage work, and also be a good one. In order for me to do this, I need to find out how to be able to cope with this. I know my husband is lying, so how do I work past that and figure out a way to be ok with it? Is there any way? I can't believe I am unique in this situation, there has to be others out there who have gotten past this kind of thing. I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life, and constantly obsessing about this, and ragging about it, you know what I mean? Life is just too short for this kind of misery to drag on and on. I need to know how to get these bad thoughts out of my head.

[eeyore1980]

So how does your hubby act towards you now? Is he more attentive to you now? is he acting remorseful?

 

He acts a lot more loving and attentive towards me. He has told me he is sorry more times than I can count. He spends a lot of time with me and assures me he wants nothing to do with skanky whore.

He lied to me from the very beginning, and is continuing to lie to me even now. Almost all of the information I have obtained about what happened he has lied about, then I have found some evidence showing the lie, and then he has grudgingly admitted to it. He lied about emailing, I found her address in the virtual trash can, that pissed me off and destroyed a lot of the progress we had made. He then let something slip in therapy which led me to believe he had further contact with her after he promised he wouldn't. We had this grueling, excrutiating argument for over two hours, where he looked me straight in the face and lied and lied and lied, gave me the same platitudes he had given me over and over about this, and continues to give me now, then finally admitted he emailed her supposedly to tell her it was over and why, and then she emailed him back supposedly telling him she understood. He refuses to acknowledge that action was putting her feelings and what he wanted above my feelings. This completely obliterated every shred of progress we had made up to that point, it has 100% demolished my ability to believe anything he says, and it has proved to me that deep down he still puts himself before me, no matter what.

I have to go, I'll post more later

[stampdaddy]

 

Thanks. I just want to point out you should also be asking what you owe yourself.

You're what, 30 now? I'm 43. You don't want to be 43 and feeling this way, I promise you that.

No, I'm not going to tell you to stay or go, I know from my own experience there is so much more in play here than what basic info can be posted on this board. Speaking for myself, I know in all my pain it is a lot easier to focus on all the negatives in my marriage than the positives. I do hurt, and I am angry and bitter and resentful. I think one of the many hard parts for me is I want payback, but I just can't figure out how to get it. I don't think I would feel the same way if I thought there was a chance in hell my husband was telling me the truth. I know I would still be hurting really badly, and maybe a little anger, but it is KNOWING he is still lying and lying and lying, and still hurting me on purpose, that is causing the bitterness and the need for vengeance. The affair I can put off as selfish and thoughtless, but everything after that is deliberate, and purposeful, and completely aware of what he is doing to me. My heart is not healing at all, no, the little bits of it that are left are just being stomped in the mud a little more every day.

 

Your "payback" will happen when you turn around with your chin up and walk into a beautiful life for yourself WITHOUT him... Don't let being 43 be an issue, I'm 41 and feel like a kid...

[stampdaddy]

I appreciate your kind words. I would like to make this marriage work, and also be a good one. In order for me to do this, I need to find out how to be able to cope with this. I know my husband is lying, so how do I work past that and figure out a way to be ok with it? Is there any way? I can't believe I am unique in this situation, there has to be others out there who have gotten past this kind of thing. I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life, and constantly obsessing about this, and ragging about it, you know what I mean? Life is just too short for this kind of misery to drag on and on. I need to know how to get these bad thoughts out of my head.

This is a sincere question (and there is a selfish reason I am asking), but can you picture yourself with your H, 10 or 15 years from now at a backyard BBQ, with alot a people around, and someone saying, "hey, did you hear about Bill and Suzie? She has been having an affair..." And that would do what to you? I mean, your afternoon is ruined, you 2 get home and youre quiet and detached and finally H asks you what is wrong, and then BAM! It's all in your lap again... I am trying to figure this out..

THANKS

[eeyore1980]

OK, good. You are aware of the gaslighting, and how it keeps you off balance.

 

Now, you are looking for ways to accept being treated that way. You deserve better than that. It does feel like they are deliberately trying to keep you off balance, doesn't it? That's because they are desperate to hide the truth, and they are in denial about the fact that you already know. They think if they keep you off balance long enough, you will believe them rather than your own eyes.

 

It is a form of abuse. It is deliberate, intentional, calculated. Do not accept being treated that way. Accepting it should not be the goal.

 

Accept nothing less than the love you deserve.

 

Please understand, this is something I have spent over 2 months playing over in my mind. Leaving is not the best viable option for me at this time. The cost would be too high, and I am not talking materially. I don't have some secret masocistic side that gets off on this misery, it is more I'm between a rock and a hard place, choosing the lesser of two evils, blah, blah, you get the point. You are right, accepting it should not be the goal, but at this time, I have no other options. My ultimate goal is to be happy, and have what I want. I can't control him, and at some point he will have to decide if he wants to be a part of my happiness, or a bad memory, but at this time I have to concede I am not the kind of person who can do so much damage to so many to preserve my pride and self-respect, the guilt would be too much more for me to live with than what I am living with now.

[stampdaddy]

Please understand, this is something I have spent over 2 months playing over in my mind. Leaving is not the best viable option for me at this time. The cost would be too high, and I am not talking materially. I don't have some secret masocistic side that gets off on this misery, it is more I'm between a rock and a hard place, choosing the lesser of two evils, blah, blah, you get the point. You are right, accepting it should not be the goal, but at this time, I have no other options. My ultimate goal is to be happy, and have what I want. I can't control him, and at some point he will have to decide if he wants to be a part of my happiness, or a bad memory, but at this time I have to concede I am not the kind of person who can do so much damage to so many to preserve my pride and self-respect, the guilt would be too much more for me to live with than what I am living with now.

This makes NO sense to me.. sorry.

[eeyore1980]

This is a sincere question (and there is a selfish reason I am asking), but can you picture yourself with your H, 10 or 15 years from now at a backyard BBQ, with alot a people around, and someone saying, "hey, did you hear about Bill and Suzie? She has been having an affair..." And that would do what to you? I mean, your afternoon is ruined, you 2 get home and youre quiet and detached and finally H asks you what is wrong, and then BAM! It's all in your lap again... I am trying to figure this out..

THANKS

 

I am going to be as honest as I can. I have an internal deadline. I don't know at this time what it is, but it is no where near 10 years. If 10 years can go by, and this can still come up and affect me in this way, I will not be in this marriage. That would mean for me 10 years have gone by and nothing has changed. My internal timeline involves change, and part of that change would involve me having overcome this, and this never happening again.

I believe it is important to be able to step outside the problem and see it for what it is, and anyone who can do that is going to have a limit, a point where enough is enough. I can't decide that point for anyone else but myself. For me, it is like a scale, with all my obligations and responsibilities to a lot of people on one side, and all the crap I have gone through in this marriage, including this current situation, on the other. My scale is in perfect balance right now, if I left, my obligation side would drop like lead, if I catch him in one more lie, my crap side will drop like lead. It is up to both of us, not just me or him, to take this final opportunity to get that crap side up high enough to not be in danger of hitting the ground at the least little thing. I can't control his actions, I can't force him to tell the truth. What I can do is try to find a way to overcome all these negative feelings I have. It will involve participation on his part, and that is a choice he has to make. Should he choose to not work on this as hard as me, well, then that is going to tip my scale, and that will be that.

[stampdaddy]

Is it one year? 3 years? 6 months?? And is'nt he lying to you by NOT telling you the truth?? There was some post a while back about "somebody's letter" to his wife and it talked about a big puzzle that your H has left you to try to put together all by yourself, although he is holding about 400 pieces of it and won't give it to you. H sees the picture clearly, but you spend your days trying to guess what the puzzle really is, while H just bops along trough his days...

[BetrayedMM]

Stamp, she's right where I was not long ago. She is simply saying we all have our limits, and she hasn't reached hers yet.

 

That letter- I've read it. Excellent. I think I'm gonna dig, see if I can remember where I found it... be back.

[stampdaddy]

Stamp, she's right where I was not long ago. She is simply saying we all have our limits, and she hasn't reached hers yet.

 

That letter- I've read it. Excellent. I think I'm gonna dig, see if I can remember where I found it... be back.

Wasnt it "Jacob's letter" or something like that?

[eeyore1980]

Wasnt it "Jacob's letter" or something like that?

 

 

http://www.network54.com/Realm/HealingHeart/Josephletter.html

 

I read this, and sent the link to my husband. In my case, I've been given about 50 pieces of the puzzle.

[BetrayedMM]

Yeah, something like that. My google skills seem to be insufficient. Anyone who knows what we're talking about, please feel free to chime in. Might come in handy for her.

[stampdaddy]

http://www.network54.com/Realm/HealingHeart/Josephletter.html

 

I read this, and sent the link to my husband. In my case, I've been given about 50 pieces of the puzzle.

That's the one.. Thanks.

Can I ask this too? Do you two function normally together? Like go out to eat, just the 2 of you? Date nites, anything like that? And if so, how do you look at things through your eyes? OR, is it still a matter of coping day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute...?

[stampdaddy]

Yeah, something like that. My google skills seem to be insufficient. Anyone who knows what we're talking about, please feel free to chime in. Might come in handy for her.

She beat us to the punch, BMM.. Glad she found it

[BetrayedMM]

Yep, that's it.

[eeyore1980]

Is it one year? 3 years? 6 months?? And is'nt he lying to you by NOT telling you the truth?? There was some post a while back about "somebody's letter" to his wife and it talked about a big puzzle that your H has left you to try to put together all by yourself, although he is holding about 400 pieces of it and won't give it to you. H sees the picture clearly, but you spend your days trying to guess what the puzzle really is, while H just bops along trough his days...

 

Yes, he is lying to me by not telliing the truth, but I have to prove it to myself by catching him in the lie. There's a lot more going on here, this is a very complex situation. I love him very much, but that is not what is holding me here, if it was just I love him very much, I would be long gone by now and trying to put this behind me. I also don't want to play these stupid games, I'm not some kid in high school, and this is bs.

I have put up with a lot of crap in the past. I was a mess mentally and emotionally, the short story, I was sexually abused on several occasions when I was six, my father went crazy when I was 13, and went from loving father to verbally, emotionally, and physically abusing me. I got preg. and had a child out of wedlock at 17. I moved out from my parents 3 months later after my dad beat the **** out of me and the cops wouldn't do anything about it. That man stomped on my head! I'm lucky I wasn't brain damaged. That is the person I was when I fell in love and married my husband. I am not that person anymore. I have spent all the years since getting rid of excess baggage and rebuilding my self respect and self esteem. To hubby's credit, he has also evolved, and gotten rid of a lot of bad character traits. However, the lying is something that has been a staple in our marriage from day one, and it's got to go. When my internal time limit has been reached, if I feel he has not grown enough to share a relationship with me that has a foundation of honesty, then I'm done. I can't do this for him, he has to find it in himself, if it's there.

[foreverchanged]

Before you do anything, make an appointment to get tested for STD's. Don't put if off, make him go also.

[eeyore1980]

That's the one.. Thanks.

Can I ask this too? Do you two function normally together? Like go out to eat, just the 2 of you? Date nites, anything like that? And if so, how do you look at things through your eyes? OR, is it still a matter of coping day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute...?

 

You can ask me anything you want. We work together, most of the time just him and me in the office by ourselves. We go to movies, go eat, sometimes go for long drives in the country.

When I first found out, and we had decided to work on our marriage, we got really close, we talked alot, he moved back into our room, and we were having sex at least once a day. Then I found the first lie, and we fought, but after about a day I decided it wasn't that big a deal. That was he said there were a few phone calls, it was more like a few hundred. Then the second lie, about emailing, he said they never did, I found her address in the virtual trash can. We fought again, and I took off. I was close to 200 miles away when my son called and asked where I was. It broke my heart even more, and I came home. He agreed at that point to go to marriage counseling. We went for several weeks, things were going great, then I found the third lie, about the contact with her after he promised no more. I found out probably 1 or 2 months after it happened. That's the one he lied to my face for over 2 hours. We went to our marriage counseling, but I was pretty much done. Then reality kicked it, and I realized it wasn't going to be as easy to leave as I thought. So I made a massive effort to get past this, still not there yet, and things were better for a little while, and I could mostly keep it out of my mind. But as time has gone on, things don't add up, they still don't add up, and it is getting harder every day to work past this. I even started a text barrage on the skank, hoping to break her and get the truth, but no luck. I copied all the bills and took them to the priest at the local church (skank is 'super religious and a good christian'...) along with a four page letter explaining everything I knew and everything I thought. I threatened her with this first, and told her all she had to do was talk to me, and this would all be over, and she refused. Time limit passed, I wasn't bluffing. I'm not Catholic, so I don't know what happened with that, but friends have told me there would be repercussions for her. So that is where I am currently at, trying to figure out how to get past this yet again. I have used everything I have, and am out of ideas. Any suggestions, other than leave, because really, if I could, I would have by now.

[BetrayedMM]

Well, that about sums up the way I came to my current situation.

 

Now, suddenly, after that limit had been passed, she becomes an open book, doing all the right things about 99% of anything you could possibly imagine to redeem herself, and it just feels like the games continue. She keeps asking me what to do, I maintain it's her problem. Nothing left to save. She can try to convince me otherwise, but I don't see how. I'm listening, that's more than she has a right to ask.

[stampdaddy]

So, with either one of you two, Eeyore and BMM, it's a "day to day" thing.. At any moment, it could be "THE Moment" that finally enough is enough, and the realization that, "Hey, I am 40 something years old with the complete 2nd half of my life to live, FOR ME, because you realize that you will STILL have a relationship with your spouse because of the children, but just not as H and W... That you CAN still be great Co-Parents and maybe even friends as co-parents, but you deserve alot more that what you are getting???

[BetrayedMM]

Ya know, there is a big difference in our situations- I was the one who 'rescued' her from a very similar situation to the one you came from. Ironically, it is like looking into the reverse of my situation, and seeing the exact same results.

 

Interesting, and gives me much to think about.