Trialbyfire Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 This could very well be an answer to the questions I ask myself like "What could I possibly have in common with a woman and what can a friendship with a woman provide, that I am not already getting from the guys?". With all due respect, what difference does it make if they have something hanging between their legs? You're not going to acquire women as close friends, unless you start viewing them as people, instead of mutants.
Phateless Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I will agree with the credibility thing. I have lots of female friends that I get along with really well and am pretty close with. They are not there to boost my ego but they do give me a lot of female credibility. Think of it like this... I go out with a few of them one night and they also bring some other female friends. One of the new ones asks "who is that guy?" and hey answer "that's X he is a really great guy..." I think that helps a lot in meeting new people. This is not my intention by any means but it is nice This is a big perk. Female friends of female friends is a great way to meet quality women.
Enema Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Come now... do you really think the only difference between a man and a woman is physical? Women do not make good friends except for other women, imo.
lindya Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) If the man finds the woman very attractive the question would be "why should he try to become her friend and run the risk of getting friend-zoned instead of letting her know that he is interested in more than becoming just another friend?". "Friend-zoned"? Sometimes there just isn't enough of a sexual chemistry there. I might put a man in the "just a friend" category if I like him but don't feel any sexual attraction towards him - but I might also do that if I like him but know that he goes for the physical opposite of what I am. Or if any interest he has for me is very lukewarm. Doesn't mean that if his interest increases beyond lukewarm once we get to know eachother, I won't develop more of a reciprocal interest. I think in a lot of male/female friendships there's an undertone of "never say never", but it doesn't mean that the potential for sex at some point in the future is the only reason for the friendship. There are a few times, in my life, that I've met a guy where there was just that intense instant sexual chemistry. In those cases, the guy doesn't need to be sutble about having sexual intentions. That kind of instant "wow" factor is unusual though - for me, anyway. Usually the initial stages are a far more ambiguous "is he interested or not, and how do I feel?" sort of thing. In those more ambiguous situations I think it serves a guy not to go in with an "I'm looking for a girlfriend here - I'm not interested in being your friend" attitude. That can look either obnoxious or desperate. Or both. It certainly isn't calculated to make a woman feel liked and respected. I have never had a female friend in my life. Even though I understand more insight to the female psyche would be a bonus, this would be a lousy excuse for being friends if it was the only reason for the friendship. I suppose it depends on the spin you want to put on it. Some might think "this friend serves a purpose. I'll drain their brain of useful info on whatever subject I'm interested in just now, then once I'm done I'll drop them." Usually, though, if you think another person offers interesting insights then that will elicit things like respect, stimulation, enjoyment of their company and all the other things that give birth to good friendships. Ultimately you can't dictate to people who they should be friends with. I suppose I just can't understand how any woman can feel an emotional and intellectual connection with any guy who's opposed to men and women ever being "just friends". Whether because he personally has insecurities about being friend-zoned, or because he doesn't think women have anything to offer in terms of genuine friendship. Edited February 2, 2008 by lindya
Stockalone Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 With all due respect, what difference does it make if they have something hanging between their legs? You're not going to acquire women as close friends, unless you start viewing them as people, instead of mutants. If you believe that is the reason which made me say that men and women are different, I am not surprised that you think I consider women to be mutants. But that is not the case, women aren't better or worse than men, they are just different.
lindya Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Subtle, not "sutble". Damn it. I really hate this "you can't edit once someone else has posted" thing. Way to traumatise the pedantic.
Phateless Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Subtle, not "sutble". Damn it. I really hate this "you can't edit once someone else has posted" thing. Way to traumatise the pedantic. Write Tony an email. I have. This board is so over-moderated it's ridiculous. Watch me get a warning for this post. I think some men are a lot more cautious than women when thinking about dating someone new. We start off as friends because we want to get to know her and don't want to come on too strong. By the time we're ready it's too late and we're already buried in the friend zone. It's happened to me several times. I was burned pretty bad in my last relationship and have been burned once or twice in the past year of being single. I'm defensive now.
lindya Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) I think some men are a lot more cautious than women when thinking about dating someone new. We start off as friends because we want to get to know her and don't want to come on too strong. By the time we're ready it's too late and we're already buried in the friend zone. It's happened to me several times. I was burned pretty bad in my last relationship and have been burned once or twice in the past year of being single. I'm defensive now. I can understand that. There's the possibility, though, that if you had come on strong at the start with that particular woman, she'd have reacted very defensively. If you have that combination of "I like her and I'm attracted to her as well" then I think it's wise to become friends but keep things peppered with mild flirtation to let her know you see her as a woman as well as a friend. I got waylaid recently (in my building) by this guy I've never met in my life. He introduced himself then almost instantly started interrogating me about my living arrangements, trying to persuade me out for a drink, standing as close as he could get away with to me and generally being very full on. I like to be a friendly person, but my gut reaction to all of this was "**** off!!!" I felt extremely threatened by his approach. I didn't want to be his friend or anything else, and it wasn't flattering. I just wanted to escape from his oppressive attentions ASAP. Contrast that with a man women feel comfortable around; Who doesn't hide the fact that he finds them attractive, but who doesn't feel the need to jitter around about it like some sort of acid tripping monkey with a hard on. You might have reciprocal sexual feelings for that guy, or you might not. Either way, the chances are that unlike the "one approach fits all" desperado, you'll actually like him and value him as a person. The fact that it doesn't all end up in the bedroom isn't a sign of anything having been wrong in your approach. That particular friend was probably never going to get sexy with you....regardless of the angle you approached her from. Sadly, it sounds as though you got pretty badly hung up on her. Having a close "platonic" friendship for someone you have strong, unreciprocated romantic feelings for definitely isn't a good plan. Edited February 2, 2008 by lindya
Stockalone Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Having a close "platonic" friendship for someone you have strong, unreciprocated romantic feelings for definitely isn't a good plan. That is the situation that I, and probably many other guys, understand as being "friend-zoned". Some guys keep pining for that woman for years, which is not healthy. I can understand that. There's the possibility, though, that if you had come on strong at the start with that particular woman, she'd have reacted very defensively. If you have that combination of "I like her and I'm attracted to her as well" then I think it's wise to become friends but keep things peppered with mild flirtation to let her know you see her as a woman as well as a friend. "I like her and I'm attracted to her as well" approach can be problematic as it easily leads to the "I like you too but just as a friend" reaction from a woman. That is why I think it is better to be clear about my intentions even at the risk of appearing desperate or obnoxious. If I really like the woman, I can't imagine being her friend and simply ignoring that I wanted more and she didn't feel the same way. That is what I meant with getting "friend-zoned". Ultimately you can't dictate to people who they should be friends with. I suppose I just can't understand how any woman can feel an emotional and intellectual connection with any guy who's opposed to men and women ever being "just friends". Whether because he personally has insecurities about being friend-zoned, or because he doesn't think women have anything to offer in terms of genuine friendship. The women I connect with are usually those who have no close friends of the opposite sex themselves.
lindya Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 The women I connect with are usually those who have no close friends of the opposite sex themselves. If that's what works for you and them, then really that's all that matters. It's often really difficult for people to accept that others genuinely are just different. I think there's a human tendency to transpose one's motives, desires and values onto other people - and assume that if they don't seem to share our set of beliefs, it's only because they're being fundamentally dishonest with themselves. There are no doubt men who can't ever be "just friends" with women. That doesn't mean that those who apparently can are liars to themselves or the women they are friends with.
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