Froggy01 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) This is going to be long. I was in a long term relationship about 4 years ago with a guy I almost married. At some point, he just started lying about small things and they eventually turned into bigger things. He would lie about talking to other girls, which turned into cheating. I took me about 2 years before I started dating again, because I just wanted some time to find myself and heal. I always knew I would have trouble trusting after that. Well, I met this great guy and we started dating way earlier than I think either of us were ready. He had just come out of a long term relationship with an ex he was head over heels for and I still wasn't ready to believe that not all guys lie. But we gave it a shot. I tried to be open and accepting of his friendship with his ex and at first he was pretty open about telling me when they'd chat and what not, to try to make me more comfortable with it. Somewhere, that turned and it became very secretive. I know she is in another relationship, but I don't know if he is really over her. We have been dating for almost 2 years now, and I still catch him texting her on holidays and what not. It may sound like it's nothing, but I figure if you are going to send out a happy holiday to your "friends" why not send it to all of them and not just one girl. Well, I called him out on it once, and then told him I was going to give him some time to really figure things out for himself. (Because I had been down that road). Well, he swore that no feelings were there and that I was being ridiculous for quesioning a Happy Thanksgiving text (that was sent at 11pm mind you). Well, having gone through this before, I just decided to check his facebook. After hours of him telling me how ridiculous I was, and how he had no feelings, I find an email that he had just sent to the girl telling her how he thinks about her all the time, and how something still lingers after 2 years. He said that he is happy in his new relationship and he knows she is too, but he just has to know what his feelings mean. Well, I called him out on it. Said I couldn't believe he insulted me by telling me I was ridiculous and then sends something like that. Well, a little time went by, and he begged and pleaded for me not to leave. Said he would do anything it took to get me to trust him. I said I wouldn't tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but that if he tells me he is ending his friendship with someone, I expect him to hold true. I told him I wanted to know when she responded so that I could know it was over. He deleted her number from his phone and said I was worth losing his friendship with her. Well, he told me she never wrote back and I know he lied. I called him out on it about 2 months later cause it was eating at me, and he said he wasn't sorry and I had no business in that situation to begin with. He said he didn't do anything wrong and he didn't feel bad. Now I don't know if he really deleted her number, or if she is saved under another name. I don't know if they write or talk, and I don't believe him. It hurts so bad, because oddly enough he has such a huge problem being dishonest about anything else, so why can he be dishonest about this? Did I let my past interferre and push him to lying, or is he crossing the line??? Edited January 31, 2008 by Froggy01
amaysngrace Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 It's his choice to lie to you. You aren't responsible if he chooses to lie. Although if you give him a really hard time about having her as a friend then maybe you are a little bit paranoid. But his lie is his own doing. Do you have reason to think he has something going on with this girl in a romantic way? Do you think he meets up with her and has sex with her regularly? If the answers are no then maybe you are being a bit irrational. If he really gives you no cause to worry then you should stop worrying and give the guy a break.
Author Froggy01 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) I don't know if they have seen each other. (and sex is not issue with her or us). I was ok with them being friends, didn't see anything wrong with it, until he began to hide it and lie about it. That's what made me question the depth of that friendship. And then after I saw that email, I was so confused I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel... still am not sure how I am supposed to feel. I really don't give him a hard time. I just asked that he be honest, and he isn't. Edited January 31, 2008 by Froggy01
amaysngrace Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Obviously she's on his mind. If he calls her on Thanksgiving says a lot. He thinks about her probably more than he'd care to admit. I don't think you are out of line at all. I would probably be having the same questions myself if I were you. Here is one way you can handle it. You can point out to him that she is stringing him along and he's falling for it. She isn't the one to call him or email him. She returns them but it's him who is always reaching out. If he never reached out then she probably would never get in touch with him. He is acting stupidly. And you could make him aware of it. Or you could break it off with him and be gone from his life so that he can figure himself out. She's taken. You are his. And if you are not enough to keep his mind from straying then you are just not enough for him. But you will be more than enough for somebody else. And that somebody else will be grateful that this BF was a fool. Honestly you must feel like you are second best to the one he really wants. What is doing? Just passing time with you? Yeah, I'd be a bit insulted myself if I were you.
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