Chrome Barracuda Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 My husband does not see me as a trifling loose woman so I don't care what your opinion of me is. I am not here to fight with you, although you use fighting words. I care about myself as well as other people. I am trying to figure out things for myself so that I can do the right thing for me and my husband. I never said I was perfect, in fact far from it. I don't feel you are here to offer real advice, only to make me feel bad. Well sorry but it doesn't work. I am just here to tell the truth about my situation, to say "please help me" because I am sad and confused (at least I was before this weekend when I spoke with my husband) and see if others who have experienced this have advice for me. They gave me very good advice. No offense but you didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I agree with a lot of your viewpoints and appreciate you contributing your two cents' worth. But the minute you start calling me names is the minute I stop talking to you. You may not like my character because I've had an affair, but I am always respectful in the way I phrase things to people, especially when allegedly responding to their request for "advice" when they are down, which is more than I can say about you and your character. I and other women have been called way worse than "trifling loose women" because of our experiences in life, but I prefer not to talk to people who name-call like that. I will not be reading any more of your posts, which is sad because I liked our dialogue, until you started unnecessarily insulting me. So please go insult someone else, thanks! Your shopping around while still married and expect me as a man to be cool with it. I never called you a name blatantly I called you what it is. Your confused because your still in the fog of the affair. Your still pining for the OM. You agree with my view points because you know I'm right. Dont take my words personally. I am merely venting my frustrations for all the BH's out there that have no voice. Have you told your husband of what you have been doing? He is your husband right, then why not let him in and give him the option of whether he wants to stay with a woman who has cheated or a woman who's continuing trying to control the outcome to her benefit. There is no equal in a marriage without being truthful and honest about what you have done and what you have been doing. You have to tell him, if he finds out and confirms through a 3rd outside party you only seek to make things worse. I aint gonna placate you by being nice. I aint gonna sugar coat it. It is what it is. Your husband needs to have voice in the way his marriage turns out, You need to provide him with the choice of whether he wants to stay or go. Why hide what you've been doing, why are you trying to control what will happen?
noreply110 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I have been a lurker for a long time, and registered just to respond to your original post. You obviously have guilt. Which means, in your head, you deserve the crap the MM is giving you. It also makes the A way more appealing. Everything is more exciting when its wrong. And Guilt is a powerful motivator. You know what you are doing will destroy your family. I am not judging you, its what you have said. You know your husband deserves better. You have choosen not to care, not by your words, but by your actions. The only way you will be able to move past your MM is to get over the guilt and put all this energy into your marriage. Or you can decide to get over your husband. You are the only one with choices in this deal, at least until your H finds out you broke NC. You feel bad. I understand that. Your guilt is fueling your A. Because the second you broke NC you restarted the A. Your H won't see a difference. Here is a telling question. Would you still like your MM if you were single? Would you put up with his behavior?
Author goodbyegirl Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 I have been a lurker for a long time, and registered just to respond to your original post. You obviously have guilt. Which means, in your head, you deserve the crap the MM is giving you. It also makes the A way more appealing. Everything is more exciting when its wrong. And Guilt is a powerful motivator. You know what you are doing will destroy your family. I am not judging you, its what you have said. You know your husband deserves better. You have choosen not to care, not by your words, but by your actions. The only way you will be able to move past your MM is to get over the guilt and put all this energy into your marriage. Or you can decide to get over your husband. You are the only one with choices in this deal, at least until your H finds out you broke NC. You feel bad. I understand that. Your guilt is fueling your A. Because the second you broke NC you restarted the A. Your H won't see a difference. Here is a telling question. Would you still like your MM if you were single? Would you put up with his behavior? Thank you noreply. I do have guilt. I don't know how to get rid of it. I am in personal counseling and marriage counseling since I stopped my affair, but sometimes I feel very guilty still. It is interesting that you say my guilt may be why I started talking to xMM again. I had not thought of it like that and will have to give it more thought. I think it might have to do with the fact that as soon as I responded ONCE to xMM's text, I thought, "oh my god, I have already done something I can't tell my H" and it was kind of a spiral downward effect from there. I did tell my H I started talking to xMM again. You are right that it destroyed the excitement of talking to him and also made me feel stronger. It also made me feel a lot better about my marriage. You are so right that I need to put all my energy into my marriage and not waste an ounce of time on xMM. He is so not worth it. You're right, if I were single I would not put up with his immature antics and his disrespect (contacting me after I told him not to, etc.). I don't know if that passion/ connection would be there if I were single or we both were -- I guess that's the part I get hung up on, like, "Am I with the wrong person b/c I don't have this connection with him as I do with xMM?" But the part that's important is that I don't have everything else I have with my husband with xMM -- I want to be with my husband, not xMM, I just wish I could have that same passion with my husband, if that makes sense. I know it is unfair to my husband, for me to even compare that though. I am not trying to brag b/c I've done a LOT of things wrong, but I feel strong for ending the affair and going NC with xMM, all on my own, based on advice I read on different internet forums etc. and then after I started going to personal counseling. But I think what I did wrong when I ended it was trying to do it all on my own. I need my husband's involvement and I need him to know how weak/ vulnerable I am when it comes to this xMM for whatever reason. I have no choice but to stay NC now because I've asked my husband to monitor me. I know that means I am weak, but I think it is the only way I can knock some sense into myself. I appreciate your insight and advice noreply.
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I need my husband's involvement and I need him to know how weak/ vulnerable I am when it comes to this xMM for whatever reason. I have no choice but to stay NC now because I've asked my husband to monitor me. I know that means I am weak, but I think it is the only way I can knock some sense into myself. Then rely on your husband to help you with this. TALK to him about how you feel and what's going on inside your head. I think he would rather be hurt by your thoughts rather than you continuing the A behind his back. Why not together write the MM a note asking him to NOT contact you ever again.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I agree with everything you just said about love and my husband's faith in me. I don't really agree with your viewpoint on affairs and I am glad that my husband believes in forgiveness more than you seem to. I agree that I need to show him he can have faith in me. That does take a lot of strength but I am trying. A couple big things to point out from your most recent update! Being honest about the contact with xMM was in my opinion a huge step in the right direction! It shows integrity and loyalty, especially in turning over codes and tracking information. Also, the choice to not tell him about the wayward feelings you are having... that's a good one. Remember you should be honest with him about things that are real! Transient feelings are yours and yours alone to deal with. I'm glad your fixing this. My beliefs on second chances are based on the fact that I find it hard to believe that you will suddenly find the strength to always do the right thing, when you have not previously. I think it's rare a person will develop good character and honesty on their own. You are on the right track. I would be more than happy to have you prove me wrong!
Author goodbyegirl Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 A couple big things to point out from your most recent update! Being honest about the contact with xMM was in my opinion a huge step in the right direction! It shows integrity and loyalty, especially in turning over codes and tracking information. Also, the choice to not tell him about the wayward feelings you are having... that's a good one. Remember you should be honest with him about things that are real! Transient feelings are yours and yours alone to deal with. I'm glad your fixing this. My beliefs on second chances are based on the fact that I find it hard to believe that you will suddenly find the strength to always do the right thing, when you have not previously. I think it's rare a person will develop good character and honesty on their own. You are on the right track. I would be more than happy to have you prove me wrong! My beliefs on second chances are based on the fact that I find it hard to believe that you will suddenly find the strength to always do the right thing, when you have not previously. I think it's rare a person will develop good character and honesty on their own. Well, when I was in the affair I felt like a lousy person. I still feel that way when I think about the affair... I guess that is my guilt speaking... I think, "how could I have done those things, i was a horrible person" and sometimes I literally hate myself. Other times I feel strong when I think of what I've done to admit my bad decisions and become a better person. I know I do not want to ever feel like a lousy person again, nor do I want to hurt my husband any more. Yet when I got a text from xMM my heart fluttered, I wanted to talk to him... I don't know if that means I still have bad character or I am just normal and tempted. I came here to hear I was normal and to be reinforced by reasons I cannot talk to him, by other OWs who have been here. Yet the strange thing is, I know inside that the biggest reason is my husband, and not all OWs have husbands. But I also need the inner strength to do it on my own because I KNOW that xMM is no good for me or my future, no matter what happens between me and my husband (although obviously he can only make what my husband and I are trying to have together worse... so in that sense it's very tied into my husband). Your opinion discourages me because I don't want to have bad character forever. (I'm not saying I'm upset you told me your opinion, just that I hope it isn't true about me.) I guess there are some who think "once a cheater [or otherwise bad person], always one." I don't necessarily think this way, in that I thought I had learned and grown from my bad decision and had become a much better person. But this temptation that came up showed me perhaps there is still something wrong with me that I would even miss xMM and have these feelings, and that I would start talking to him again despite knowing the risks to everyone involved and despite all the damage I had already caused my marriage and myself, and despite how lousy I felt about it. I hope it was just a warning -- like, the next time I am on a slippery slope I need to run the other direction, not even peer down it. I want to get to the point where I have no attraction to the slippery slope though. I wonder how I make that happen.
noreply110 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I think that you are awesome for telling your husband. Not because it was the right thing to do, not because he deserves to know (both of which are true) but because it was the hard thing to do. I sincerly believe that A are so intoxicating because the honeymoon period never goes away. Or it lasts a thousand times longer then a regular relationship. By telling your husband, even if it was to clear your guilt, you forced yourself to do the hard thing. I am a huge believer of words vs. actions. Your MM is a jerk, in both words and actions. No one who respects you would bother you after you asked them to not speak to you again, so that you could work on your M. That person isn't even a friend. Your H, time and time again proves his feelings by sticking with you. Thats one heck of a guy. Your action, telling your H about the broken NC is probably what kept him around this time. That shows him you care. Take some time to figure out what you want. You have been selfish up to this point. (Again, not judging, just stating facts). Its time to figure out if staying in your M is what you want. Talk to your therpist about it. And Good Luck. You are working towards something, and for that you should be proud of yourself.
Author goodbyegirl Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 I think that you are awesome for telling your husband. Not because it was the right thing to do, not because he deserves to know (both of which are true) but because it was the hard thing to do. I sincerly believe that A are so intoxicating because the honeymoon period never goes away. Or it lasts a thousand times longer then a regular relationship. By telling your husband, even if it was to clear your guilt, you forced yourself to do the hard thing. I am a huge believer of words vs. actions. Your MM is a jerk, in both words and actions. No one who respects you would bother you after you asked them to not speak to you again, so that you could work on your M. That person isn't even a friend. Your H, time and time again proves his feelings by sticking with you. Thats one heck of a guy. Your action, telling your H about the broken NC is probably what kept him around this time. That shows him you care. Take some time to figure out what you want. You have been selfish up to this point. (Again, not judging, just stating facts). Its time to figure out if staying in your M is what you want. Talk to your therpist about it. And Good Luck. You are working towards something, and for that you should be proud of yourself. You are right that my husband is one heck of a guy. I hurt him and he had plenty of reasons to leave me, but he didn't. Here is the strange thing. For the last few months, after breaking off the A and having NC in place, I was so happy in my marriage. I knew for sure it was what I wanted. Then xMM came back and my belief in that crumbled... I guess I wondered how I can be so sure I'm happy in my M if a text message or two from xMM makes me get swept away with feelings of attraction, infatuation, and wanting to feel desired etc. I started to wonder if I would ever really be over xMM and the A, and if it was fair to stay with my H if I still had those feelings just based on one text message. I've heard it called a fog and I feel I slipped back into the fog when I started thinking about xMM again. I glamorized our A and wasn't sure if I wanted it back. Since thinking about it and talking to those of you on here and especially since telling my husband, all of a sudden, the fog is gone again and I am free of it. It's a wonderful feeling, at least from a selfish point of view (not having to wonder if I'll give into temptation, because I don't even feel the temptation.) I don't think I was questioning my marriage as much as I was trying to figure out what's wrong with me and fix it. Why does contact from a man I KNOW is not good for me make me feel GOOD??? Why do I start doing things I know are destructive and chaotic, even just responding to his text, as I know nothing good can come from that and that no matter how much he says he wants to be my "friend" and he "loves" me, he is really just seeing if I am still sitting around waiting on him and wanting to be with him? Those are the issues I have to work out. They have little to do with my husband or marriage. I feel I have done the right thing in terms of my husband/ marriage but I need to figure out what I have to do to fix myself so that I won't ever even bat an eyelash at a text from xMM. I agree with you that actions speak louder than words and that my xMM is a majorly selfish jerk. I do not want to be like him, I want to be a good and loving person like my husband. WWIU -- I meant to tell you that I like the idea of a NC letter, although I think he will text it again in the future, at least I am letting him know that my husband is on my resolve to not have any more contact with him, ever.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Your opinion discourages me because I don't want to have bad character forever. (I'm not saying I'm upset you told me your opinion, just that I hope it isn't true about me.) I guess there are some who think "once a cheater [or otherwise bad person], always one." I don't necessarily think this way, in that I thought I had learned and grown from my bad decision and had become a much better person. But this temptation that came up showed me perhaps there is still something wrong with me that I would even miss xMM and have these feelings, and that I would start talking to him again despite knowing the risks to everyone involved and despite all the damage I had already caused my marriage and myself, and despite how lousy I felt about it. I hope it was just a warning -- like, the next time I am on a slippery slope I need to run the other direction, not even peer down it. I want to get to the point where I have no attraction to the slippery slope though. I wonder how I make that happen. The fact that your right here talking and thinking about it speaks volumes! Did you come here and really think things through before you started the affair? I would be surprised if you did. That means you have learned some and as I said your definitely on the right track here. See that saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is fairly general. Most are situational cheaters. This means that if you are ever in the same situation again... you will most likely cheat. To combat this you must make sure you don't get into that situation again. I think you are correct in your assumption that your feelings are all about your H and not about xMM. Meaning that the only reason xMM seems attractive to you is because he represents something you perceive as missing in your M. Does that make sense? You seem to think that this comes down to chemistry. I think that there are different types of chemistry. What kind do you have with your husband vs. xMM? Chemistry is something that you create within a relationship... only foolish people think that it just is or isn't!
Author goodbyegirl Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 Your posts are really helpful for me Cobra, thank you. I will address your questions/ comments. The fact that your right here talking and thinking about it speaks volumes! Did you come here and really think things through before you started the affair? I would be surprised if you did. That means you have learned some and as I said your definitely on the right track here. No, I did not come here and think about it and post. At the time I felt that the feelings for xMM were just something that "happened to me" and I followed my feelings because I thought they were so strong that they must MEAN something. I separated from my husband and at one point was sure I was getting divorced so that I could be with xMM. I saw this as the RIGHT thing to do, ironically, because I thought that since my feelings were leading me to be with xMM, it was wasting my husband's time to be married to him. I really thought that xMM and I were "meant to be." Awhile later I began to see that I was foolish. I felt terrible about hurting my husband and I also began to wonder what xMM's poor wife must be going through. I caught him lying several times to me and realized he must be lying to her as well. Eventually I began to see that he was stringing us both along and I didn't know if ANYTHING he said about anything was true. I began to realize I had thrown away something truly great with my husband in order to pursue a stupid fantasy with xMM that did not end up panning out. I felt so lucky that my husband was still there... kind of saying "I told you so, what were you thinking?" but all the while letting me know that he thinks we are worth working on and repairing, and that he loves me. It was only then that I started reading forums like this and realizing that I was even in an affair instead of a new relationship. I really was so naive and selfish but I managed to get my head out of my butt long enough to realize that what I was doing was wrong and that I had to stop it. So, you're right. I did NOT think about what I was doing then or try to stop it, I just "went with it". Now I know better (as I should have then), I know the hurt it can cause and I also know, selfishly, that I was not happy at all with xMM, so why try to get back into all of that again?!? That would be crazy and stupid and selfish. I want to fix what is wrong with me because Id on't want to let myself be put in that situation again. I don't want to be a situational cheater, I want to be loyal and show my husband I love him, even when times get hard. I think you are correct in your assumption that your feelings are all about your H and not about xMM. Meaning that the only reason xMM seems attractive to you is because he represents something you perceive as missing in your M. Does that make sense? You seem to think that this comes down to chemistry. I think that there are different types of chemistry. What kind do you have with your husband vs. xMM? Chemistry is something that you create within a relationship... only foolish people think that it just is or isn't! Hmmm I must have been foolish because I did think that chemistry was lacking in my marriage and that it existed with xMM. It felt like -- bam! -- it just hit me out of nowhere and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Now I know I can stop acting on it but I don't know why it feels like that with xMM but not with my husband. My husband and I are good friends and share a lot of the same interests. We are very comfortable doing anything together and he makes me laugh. But I gave up a lot of interests when we started dating, and xMM had those interests and drew them out of me. I am realizing through counseling that I shouldn't need a man to allow me to squash my interests or enhance them. I guess that was an attraction to xMM, he knew (or pretended to know) the parts of me I had let go of. Also I started feeling "bored" in my marriage but not until I met xMM. I saw xMM as more adventurous and exciting, whereas my husband is more of a settled family man (which I used to like, of course) who would rather stay in and watch a movie than travel (like I like to do) and do things on a whim. I am more attracted to xMM physically, but I know that's not what matters. I liked that xMM worked out, something I myself always did and my husband never did. I saw xMM as being able to do things with me that I enjoyed. xMM is very ambitious and passionate about his career like I am, whereas my husband doesn't like his job and just sees it as a way to pay for things. I am a lot more educated than my husband, which never bothered me until I met xMM. Then I felt that xMM and I connected on a more intellectual level and were able to talk about books and philosophy and science, whereas my husband seemed to have more "simple" interests. I know a lot of these things were just products of the affair -- my husband is very smart, hard-working and witty. I compared him negatively to xMM after I met xMM. But I am just trying to explain where I felt the "chemistry" came from. It was a lot more exciting with xMM whereas with my husband it started to feel dull and like I had outgrown it. I know that is so mean of me to write. But since I went NC with xMM I started to appreciate more about my husband than I ever did before, even when we were engaged etc., and I know I took him for granted when I was having an affair. I can't figure out why I could still "feel" this chemistry with xMM when he contacted me, even though I KNOW it's fake and I do have some real chemistry with my husband, it is just different, and better... more stable and secure. I wish I just didn't feel anything for xMM.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I know a lot of these things were just products of the affair -- my husband is very smart, hard-working and witty. I compared him negatively to xMM after I met xMM. But I am just trying to explain where I felt the "chemistry" came from. It was a lot more exciting with xMM whereas with my husband it started to feel dull and like I had outgrown it. I know that is so mean of me to write. But since I went NC with xMM I started to appreciate more about my husband than I ever did before, even when we were engaged etc., and I know I took him for granted when I was having an affair. I can't figure out why I could still "feel" this chemistry with xMM when he contacted me, even though I KNOW it's fake and I do have some real chemistry with my husband, it is just different, and better... more stable and secure. I wish I just didn't feel anything for xMM. Things are always more clear once you get your brain engaged! The moment you stop thinking your way and start trying to feel your way is when you get into trouble. Which is why your not going to lose this. Has your H hit the anger stage yet? Ok, so I found a nice little article describing the different types of chemistry. I'm going to post it here! Now this is far from scientific... but it gives you a better picture of what your dealing with. You should try to identify what type of chemistry you need from your husband and build that! It may require him spending a few hours a week in the gym, or enjoying some hobbies with you. As long as you reciprocate this should be possible. Type #1: Tear-each-other’s-clothes-off chemistry This is the most common type of chemistry, but it’s also the most misunderstood. After all, pretty much everyone’s made the mistake of confusing physical attraction with love. Is there a way to differentiate one feeling from the other? Helen Fisher, Ph.D., an anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of Why We Love, explains it this way: “Lust is basically the craving for sexual gratification,” she says. “It generally dissipates after having sex and returns hours or days later. You can feel it for several different people at the same time, and you don’t necessarily feel ‘possessive’ or jealous. But when you’re in love, you are very possessive.” Type #2: We’re-so-comfortable chemistry Have you ever been with a guy who finishes your sentences, or a woman who’s so easy to talk to, you feel like you can be totally natural around her? Welcome to comfort chemistry—that effortless rapport and connection that can exist between two people. “People who share this chemistry often feel like they’re a unit,” says Harry Reis, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. “When they talk to each other, they almost feel like they’re talking to themselves.” Worried that all this familiarity makes you better friends than lovers? Never fear, simpatico feelings can often lead to lust later. “When you fall in love, the elevated activity of dopamine can affect levels of testosterone and trigger a heightened sex drive,” explains Fisher. Translation: You two may be passionate partners in no time! Type #3: We-laugh-like-crazy-together chemistry Ask someone to give you a wish list of what they look for in a mate, and humor almost always appears near the top of the list. “Everybody likes to laugh,” says Kate Wachs, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Relationships for Dummies. “We’re all looking for a mate that helps us have fun.” Researchers have even found that laughing together increases how attractive people look to each other. So, don’t automatically relegate jokers to the role of “great to invite to a party.” Where there’s laughter, long-term love can follow: Just think how much easier it’ll be to get through those rocky points that every relationship experiences sooner or later. Type #4: We’re-so-complementary chemistry While it’s important for us to find a mate who shares our values, we’re also attracted to those who are different from us. “We like complementary personalities who accentuate our good parts and mask our flaws,” says Dr. Fisher. For example, a sexy fashion model might have real chemistry with a nerdy mathematician—and vice versa. Why? She makes him feel sexy, and he makes her feel smart. Same goes for the anti-social type who marries a people person. We’re drawn to those who make us feel like better and more well-rounded people. Remember the famous line in Jerry Maguire: “You complete me?” That’s complementary chemistry in action. Type #5: We-have-so-much-in-common chemistry As anyone who has ever searched profiles on Match.com knows, finding common interests with your potential mate is a huge plus—whether that’s a penchant to cruise flea markets for that one-of-a-kind antique, or a love of camping deep in the wilderness. “We tend to gravitate towards people who share the similar interests as us,” Dr. Fisher says. Not only does doing so make spending time together insanely easy, but sharing an activity you both enjoy allows you to get to know each other in a low-pressure environment. Plus, just think of what a bonding experience it would be if you both scaled those waterfalls at Yosemite together! These touchstones can become the foundation for a lot of fond memories—and a solid relationship.
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I really thought that xMM and I were "meant to be." But don't you see, all it was based on feelings. Intense feelings, in stolen moments. You definately were more emotionally attached to him than your husband, but that doesn't mean that you two were meant to be. I mean, other than the great feelings you two brought out in eachother, talking and having fun - Was he your friend? Did he help you through the up's and down's in life? Have to deal with the daily crap life throws at you? Probably not because it was an affair, hidden away...Not out in the open where everyone knew. WWIU -- I meant to tell you that I like the idea of a NC letter, although I think he will text it again in the future, at least I am letting him know that my husband is on my resolve to not have any more contact with him, ever. Yep. Do it before he contacts you again. Ask him to respect you and your husband's wishes by never contacting you again.
Meaplus3 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I think the only way to fix this is to tell your husband that the MM is back and you've been in contact. If you don't, then there's a big chance your husband will find out on his own and end the marriage. He forgave you and together you two worked hard to get things good again..With the MM back in your life, all that trust and faith your husband gave you unconditionally, will be gone. You need to decide once and for all WHO it is you want. A MM who is a jerk, yet makes you feel alive, or a loving husband who loves you unconditionally. You cannot have both. My thought's Exactly Whichway! AP:)
Recommended Posts