I was OW, MM is back

[goodbyegirl]

Hi everyone. I don't know if I should post here or in Infidelity or what.

 

I am married and I was an OW to a married man. I stopped the affair a few months ago and told my husband about it. (He had known I was talking a lot to MM so I guess he knew of an EA... I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted and we separated) After I broke off the A, my H and I started working things out and I felt strong and happy. I told him it was a PA too and he still stayed with me. He said I was brave and strong for telling him the truth and breaking it off. I didn't "miss" MM or anything. My H and I are in counseling and he is a great man, I felt so lucky/ happy that he wanted to reconcile.

 

Now suddenly MM has come back into my life and I am finding that I am completely weak. He acts obnoxiously and I find myself either hating or loving him, but either way, he is taking up all my thoughts. I started talking to him again (responding to his renewed efforts to contact me) which was a *huge* mistake. I haven't touched him but at times I really want to -- I have never had that kind of passion and connection with anyone.

 

Have any of the rest of you OW/ OM broken up with MM, only to find yourself at the stage of starting the affair all over again? I feel depressed and upset at myself. How can I love my husband if I find myself thinking about and wanting to talk to MM? How can I be completely honest with my H if that means telling him that I often think of making love to MM and how mind-blowing it was? Am I complete w*&re?? I never thought it was only about sex -- MM and I connected on every level and we both separated from our spouses and spent a lot of time together so it wasn't just a sex-based relationship. Now I miss the intellectual connection I had with MM and also the physical aspect. I wonder how much of it was based on sex, it was the best sex I have ever had -- does that mean I should divorce my H??

 

My H thinks I hate MM because I did when I broke off the A, and I think it will crush him to tell him I've been talking to him again. I went NC with MM before and it worked great, I was happy. But now that we are speaking again I am in a whirlwind of emotions. I feel like the fact that I even allowed myself to start talking to MM again means I betrayed my H's trust *again* and we should just get divorced (which we were seriously considering while separated) because I feel I am a bad person who can't be trusted. I *know* how much this hurt him and yet I have the urge to talk to MM because he makes me feel like superwoman. What is wrong with me?? I feel like I am crazy and destructive. I do hurtful things and I am so upset.

 

Near the end of my A I lurked on this board and the infidelity one and realized what I needed to do. But now that I am in this situation I don't know... what happens when I backslide? Does MM really *ever* go away????? What can I tell myself to make me end it for good this time?? Even when I think about our time together I know we wouldn't work out long term -- we tried that and it failed. I think it was just a fantasy in my head that sometimes I still want back. I'm sorry for rambling. I have no one to talk to about this, and I've decided to stop talking to him and to try to talk to people in cyberspace instead. Sometimes I want to shout I HATE YOU to MM and sometimes I feel like I love him. I think it's better to say that here than to him. I am just looking for someone to talk to about this.

[jaslene2009]

Hi goodbye girl,

 

I am in the same position. I am married and is having an affair with a MM. I really feel like you do. There are times I hate him and want him out of my life. Then there are times I feel like I need him. The truth is; I know our relationship is not going to go anywhere. I don't want him to leave and I am not sure if I am going to leave either. But I am trying to work through my marriage with my husband and build a friendship. I think we are missing that in our marriage. I realized that I needed to work on the underlying issues and the reason I was afraid to trust. I don't really trust either one of them. Therefore, the problem is me and I know that. I am going to counseling because the issue has to end some where. I think you just have to get tired and fight for what you really want. If you really want your husband you will leave the MM alone and fight for your marriage. I know that is easier said than done. But try not to entertain the MM and see if he will go away. Do not answer his phone calls, or emails, text msgs etc. I know the passion feels good, I have been there. However, don't you feel inadequate being the OW. Because I do. Why does he need me sooooo bad. If he can talk to me about his problems, he should be able to talk to her and the same for you situation. I am not here to judge you. I am just giving my experience and advise.

 

Hi everyone. I don't know if I should post here or in Infidelity or what.

 

I am married and I was an

OW

to a married man. I stopped the affair a few months ago and told my husband about it. (He had known I was talking a lot to

MM

so

I guess he knew of an

EA

... I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted and we separated) After I broke off the A, my

H

and I started working things out and I felt strong and happy. I told him it was a

PA

too and he still stayed with me. He said I was brave and strong for telling him the truth and breaking it off. I didn't "miss"

MM

or anything. My

H

and I are in counseling and he is a great man, I felt

so

lucky/ happy that he wanted to reconcile.

 

Now suddenly

MM

has come back into my life and I am finding that I am completely weak. He acts obnoxiously and I find myself either hating or loving him, but either way, he is taking up all my thoughts. I started talking to him again (responding to his renewed efforts to contact me) which was a *huge* mistake. I haven't touched him but at times I really want to -- I have never had that kind of passion and connection with anyone.

 

Have any of the rest of you

OW

/

OM

broken up with

MM

, only to find yourself at the stage of starting the affair all over again? I feel depressed and upset at myself. How can I love my husband if I find myself thinking about and wanting to talk to

MM

? How can I be completely honest with my

H

if that means telling him that I often think of making love to

MM

and how mind-blowing it was? Am I complete

w

*&re?? I never thought it was only about sex --

MM

and I connected on every level and we both separated from our spouses and spent a lot of time together

so

it wasn't just a sex-based relationship. Now I miss the intellectual connection I had with

MM

and also the physical aspect. I wonder how much of it was based on sex, it was the best sex I have ever had -- does that mean I should divorce my

H

??

 

My

H

thinks I hate

MM

because I did when I broke off the A, and I think it will crush him to tell him I've been talking to him again. I went

NC

with

MM

before and it worked great, I was happy. But now that we are speaking again I am in a whirlwind of emotions. I feel like the fact that I even allowed myself to start talking to

MM

again means I betrayed my

H

's trust *again* and we should just get divorced (which we were seriously considering while separated) because I feel I am a bad person who can't be trusted. I *know* how much this hurt him and yet I have the urge to talk to

MM

because he makes me feel like superwoman. What is wrong with me?? I feel like I am crazy and destructive. I do hurtful things and I am

so

upset.

 

Near the end of my A I lurked on this board and the infidelity one and realized what I needed to do. But now that I am in this situation I don't know... what happens when I backslide? Does

MM

really *ever* go away????? What can I tell myself to make me end it for good this time?? Even when I think about our time together I know we wouldn't work out long term -- we tried that and it failed. I think it was just a fantasy in my head that sometimes I still want back. I'

m

sorry for rambling. I have no one to talk to about this, and I've decided to stop talking to him and to try to talk to people in cyberspace instead. Sometimes I want to shout I HATE YOU to

MM

and sometimes I feel like I love him. I think it's better to say that here than to him. I am just looking for someone to talk to about this.

 

[LucreziaBorgia]

Understand this: your H forgave you once. He isn't likely to a second time. You have to get rid of MM 100% if you want to keep your H.

 

This will only stop when you eradicate MM from you life. That means complete no contact. None of any sort. Nada. Until you do, you will always feel this way and will continue to put your H through hell too.

[whichwayisup]

I think the only way to fix this is to tell your husband that the MM is back and you've been in contact. If you don't, then there's a big chance your husband will find out on his own and end the marriage. He forgave you and together you two worked hard to get things good again..With the MM back in your life, all that trust and faith your husband gave you unconditionally, will be gone.

 

You need to decide once and for all WHO it is you want. A MM who is a jerk, yet makes you feel alive, or a loving husband who loves you unconditionally. You cannot have both.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I agree with LB, what kind of man wants to live with a woman that's so mentally weak that would cheat on him a second time with the same man?

 

How could this woman profess to love a man who could give her husband pain. Just the idea hurts.

 

I wonder what would you felt if your husband basically came to you and said I've been banging your friend and I fell in love with her, I'm leaving you.

 

It sucks right.

 

If you dont want to hurt him go NC and stay NC!!!!

 

That is the only way. If you cant be honest and tell your husbad the full truth and let him decide if he wants to stick it out.

 

Dont be a coward.

[whichwayisup]

You also could consider one on one counselling to help you cope with this. To learn how to get the MM out of your head with some simple cognitive thinking changes and change some behaviour within yourself. Something inside of you is broken and needs to be fixed.

[goodbyegirl]

Thank you everyone for your helpful replies. Some of them were harsh but I need them, because I know I am being a selfish coward by responding to MM.

 

Jaslene,

I really relate to what you said, I guess because you are going through it too. Yes, I completely agree that being OW made me feel inadequate, and that is one of the reasons I stopped the A. Now that he is trying to start it all up again (which he denies he is trying to do, but, I know him), I feel even more inadequate. At least before, we had a "relationship" and thought we wanted to be together. Now, he KNOWS how bad the A made me feel, he knows I am trying to work on things with my husband, and yet he still tries to make me crumble, which somehow he is always very good at... I am weak around him, I hate myself for it. After I decided to stop the A and work on things with my H, he went back to his W too and now he tells me that they are getting nowhere, he knows he's getting divorced, all he can do is think of me, he still loves me, etc. He is full of **** and a cakeeater. I do not want to be just like him by going along with it. I think he's thinking we can still get together although we're both married, but he presents it in the "maybe one day in the future we can still be together... if things don't work out with our spouses..." kind of way. He says we can still be friends and that he'd rather have that than nothing at all. But being "friends" with him makes me miss him and think about him way too much. I know it's not possible to stay friends with him once I had those feelings for him (not to mention that my H would obviously not like that at all).

 

 

WWIU,

You described MM perfectly when you said he's a jerk but he makes me feel alive. I agree there is something wrong with me, I should go to counseling. I sometimes think there is a part of me that is crazy and that I see that same craziness in MM. We are so much alike and whenever I talk to him I start to see my H as kind of boring and settled. I know that means there is something wrong with me -- because if MM isn't in the picture, my H and I have a great life together and he is like my best friend.

 

I agree with both you and LB that I need to cut off all contact with MM. I think this was the advice I needed to hear (although I already knew it inside). But I don't know if telling my H that I talked to him again recently is the best idea. Like LB and others said, he gave me one chance, I *know* he would not be here for me any more if I blew it again (which has stopped me from agreeing to meet with MM). I want to go NC again on my own and not make my H worried. Do you think this is possible?

[Owl]

I want to go NC again on my own and not make my H worried. Do you think this is possible?

 

Nope. You've already proved that by allowing contact to resume between him and you. Had your H been 'part of the solution'...you wouldn't have fallen back into this as deeply as you have already.

 

Don't live a lie with your H. Its his marriage too, and its his RIGHT to know all that affects it. And to choose to continue in the marriage with you after he knows that truth...or not.

 

Why do YOU get to make that choice for him?

[smileysmile]

I have never had that kind of passion and connection with anyone.

 

I feel for your H. I don't think you deserve him. I would hate my partner thinking that and staying with me only because it would hurt if she left.

[goodbyegirl]

I feel for your H. I don't think you deserve him. I would hate my partner thinking that and staying with me only because it would hurt if she left.

 

I agree with you that I don't deserve him. I want to deserve him and do the right thing. I realize though the reason I had such passion and connection with MM was that it was a secret, exciting affair. I don't blame my marriage or my H for not having that same kind of passion. It only existed because of the circumstances. I know that my H is a much better person than MM. I know that he is a much better person than I am. I just need to do the right thing, I want to be deserving of his love.

[Zolie]

Does MM really *ever* go away?????

 

No. They turn up like a bad penny, just when you have finally, finally, stopped pining after them.

 

They show up in your email one day, when you least expect it, and *Bam* your heart goes haywire, banging around in your chest like a pinball.

 

Or your phone rings one day and you casually glance at the number - and it's his. Shock turns your skin cold, then hot in the next instant. Your face feels flushed, your mind turns to mush, and your hands shake.

 

Or they show up at your workplace, after not coming around for months, years. All of the above occurs 10 fold.

 

The contacts always start with something like this: "Hey, I just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing." Usually there is some remark or query about something special in your life, just to show you he has been thinking about you and your life/family/work/friends/hobby etc. Just to show you he still cares.

 

Depending on various things, including whether it's the first contact after the first NC (you always give in the first time), you either succumb to his charm, or you do not. Either way, whether you like it or not, you are glad he made contact and your heart and your bruised ego soars. It's almost better than the first time...

 

And depending on which end of the Jaded Ruler you are currently residing, you will either realize his contact means he is suffering from DSB or you will believe he truly does love you after all. Your ability to recognize which of the two it is, is directly proportional to how many times this has happened and how long it has been since the last time.

 

*Your reaction to the above jaded sarcasm is also directly proportional to which end of the Jaded Ruler you are currently on.

 

*My propensity to post the above jaded sarcasm is directly proportional to whether I have been the recent recipient of one of the mentioned types of contacts.

 

*All of the above applies to either gender, applying the correct terms and pronouns accordingly.

Edited February 1, 2008 by Zolie
semantics

[Chrome Barracuda]

I agree with you that I don't deserve him. I want to deserve him and do the right thing. I realize though the reason I had such passion and connection with MM was that it was a secret, exciting affair. I don't blame my marriage or my H for not having that same kind of passion. It only existed because of the circumstances. I know that my H is a much better person than MM. I know that he is a much better person than I am. I just need to do the right thing, I want to be deserving of his love.

 

You have some self esteem issues.

 

How does one say to themself I want to be deserving of my husband's love?

 

Huh?

 

Apparently when you were dating did you not equate the relationship then as the foundation of his love? WTF?

 

You owe it to your husband to tell him the truth, what if he finds out through some other channels then what, right now all the lies make it all worse.

 

Maybe he will forgive you, maybe he will divorce you. But lies make things only worse. IT's a 50/50 shot.

[goodbyegirl]

No. They turn up like a bad penny, just when you have finally, finally, stopped pining after them.

 

They show up in your email one day, when you least expect it, and *Bam* your heart goes haywire, banging around in your chest like a pinball.

 

Or your phone rings one day and you casually glance at the number - and it's his. Shock turns your skin cold, then hot in the next instant. Your face feels flushed, your mind turns to mush, and your hands shake.

 

Or they show up at your workplace, after not coming around for months, years. All of the above occurs 10 fold.

 

The contacts always start with something like this: "Hey, I just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing." Usually there is some remark or query about something special in your life, just to show you he has been thinking about you and your life/family/work/friends/hobby etc. Just to show you he still cares.

 

Depending on various things, including whether it's the first contact after the first NC (you always give in the first time), you either succumb to his charm, or you do not. Either way, whether you like it or not, you are glad he made contact and your heart and your bruised ego soars. It's almost better than the first time...

 

And depending on which end of the Jaded Ruler you are currently residing, you will either realize his contact means he is suffering from DSB or you will believe he truly does love you after all. Your ability to recognize which of the two it is, is directly proportional to how many times this has happened and how long it has been since the last time.

 

*Your reaction to the above jaded sarcasm is also directly proportional to which end of the Jaded Ruler you are currently on.

 

*My propensity to post the above jaded sarcasm is directly proportional to whether I have been the recent recipient of one of the mentioned types of contacts.

 

*All of the above applies to either gender, applying the correct terms and pronouns accordingly.

 

Wow, thanks for answering my question so well. This is why I'm glad I posted in the OW forum. I guess I was looking for insight into why he did this. It had been 3 months, I was over him and feeling strong, and I thought he was over me, too. Now I realize, from his actions and from your post, that he will always want me to be here waiting for him. Yes, this is the first time he broke NC and I was really mad at myself for giving in. I'm still mad but your post made me realize it's normal for him to contact me and normal for me to be feeling the way I'm feeling... I just have to resist his attempts to break NC from now on. I am so glad we didn't do anything physical or it would be so much harder.

[goodbyegirl]

You have some self esteem issues.

 

How does one say to themself I want to be deserving of my husband's love?

 

Huh?

 

Apparently when you were dating did you not equate the relationship then as the foundation of his love? WTF?

 

You owe it to your husband to tell him the truth, what if he finds out through some other channels then what, right now all the lies make it all worse.

 

Maybe he will forgive you, maybe he will divorce you. But lies make things only worse. IT's a 50/50 shot.

 

I just meant that I don't think I deserve his love (as in, deserve the marriage and him being there for me and showing me his love) if I am hiding something (the beginning of a continued EA... if I had let it get that far) from him. I would not deserve to be married to him if I continued this. That's what I meant.

 

I agree with everything else you said. I also agree I probably have self-esteem issues or why would I have loved the inappropriate attention from MM for so long. But I did not mean there was no foundation for our love or that I had never done anything to deserve his love.

[nadiaj2727]

Hi goodbyegirl. I feel for you. It can be very hard. I am a former OW and my xMM still contacts me. At first I would contact him back because I did love him, after all (or at least it felt like love). Then I realized that as some people here have already said, complete NC and ignoring their attempts to get you to break NC is the only way to go. I used to see a text or email from him and cry because I wanted to text him back so badly. Part of it was that I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and part of it was because I wanted to satisfy my own craving. It was like getting off a drug (although I don't want to make that comparison because I am sure a drug addict would beg to differ... but I have never been a drug addict and that's the closest I ever felt to being addicted to something/ someone).

 

He still tries to contact me occasionally, and now it is not hard. (It got easier when he started being a total immature jerk about things). Now I think, "wow, he was so pathetic... all this time and energy spent chasing a girl who repeatedly asked him to leave her alone... that he should be focusing on his own wife." I finally realized that no matter how much I thought I loved him, I couldn't love him *and* be with him -- because that would be detrimental to his life. (If we got caught he could not only lose his marriage but also perhaps his job and definitely his reputation etc.) I realized that he didn't love *me* since he wasn't respecting my wishes and he continued to do the opposite of what I told him I needed from him (NC).

 

You will get to that place eventually, but first you have to fight through the withdrawal stage. Just don't respond to him, no matter what -- at first it will feel painful but eventually you'll feel strong, like you did before he broke NC and you responded.

 

It sounds like you are questioning whether to divorce your husband or stay married. I am not sure how much of that has to do with MM. But I think that only when you go back to NC can you really tell whether or not you want to stay married and will do what it takes to stay married the right way. You said yourself that when MM wasn't in the picture, you felt happy, strong, and lucky to be married. That sounds like a happier state than you're in right now. Good luck. Feel free to PM me instead of contacting MM. I will know exactly how you're feeling.

[Cobra_X30]

I started talking to him again (responding to his renewed efforts to contact me) which was a *huge* mistake. I haven't touched him but at times I really want to -- I have never had that kind of passion and connection with anyone.

 

When you love somebody you do whats best for them. You put their needs first.

 

Your not doing that, to my mind that says you don't really love your H. That can't be fixed. There is no creme or pill to change that. You don't love him.

 

More the the point. Perhaps the most loving thing you can do right now, would be to let him go. Yeah, it would hurt him for a while... but then he would have the chance to experience love... real love. Why deny him that?

 

The same goes for you! Why stay with someone you don't love?

[goodbyegirl]

When you love somebody you do whats best for them. You put their needs first.

 

Your not doing that, to my mind that says you don't really love your H. That can't be fixed. There is no creme or pill to change that. You don't love him.

 

More the the point. Perhaps the most loving thing you can do right now, would be to let him go. Yeah, it would hurt him for a while... but then he would have the chance to experience love... real love. Why deny him that?

 

The same goes for you! Why stay with someone you don't love?

 

I respectfully disagree with you. What you said goes against what I believe, that love is a choice, to put someone else's interests ahead of your own. In the past, I did not put his interests ahead of mine. But now I do. That is why I stopped the affair and why I have re-instituted NC. I do love him. I guess if you are of the camp who believes that once there is an A, the marriage should end, or that the A means there was never love, then I can see your point of view. But my H and I do not believe that, we believe that reconciliation is possible.

[Cobra_X30]

I respectfully disagree with you. What you said goes against what I believe, that love is a choice, to put someone else's interests ahead of your own. In the past, I did not put his interests ahead of mine. But now I do. That is why I stopped the affair and why I have re-instituted NC. I do love him. I guess if you are of the camp who believes that once there is an A, the marriage should end, or that the A means there was never love, then I can see your point of view. But my H and I do not believe that, we believe that reconciliation is possible.

 

?

I apologize, I may be a touch dense but I didnt really understand what you believe love is. Honestly, love is many things. I can love my dog, I can love my couch, I can love God... ect. However within the context of a relationship, I believe there are somethings about love we can all agree upon.

 

So you believe that love is a choice? I agree with that. I think it's a choice you have to make every day. It's not something whimsical, where you emotionally yo-yo between men from week to week. That just doesnt sound like love to me.

 

I believe that marriages can be saved after an A, but I do not believe that most of them should be saved.

 

Listen... why do we put people in jail when they physically assualt others? To punish and to rehabilitate the offender. This is an effective formulea to create change within an individual and provide justice for the victims.

 

Now apply that to an A. Basically what you have is a situation where one person emotionally abuses another. If the victim chooses to forgive the offender, it is simply based on 'good faith'. No true consequences exist, and there is no ability to seek justice.

 

So, in your case... you have that forgiveness, and it is 100% upon you to make yourself worthy of that. You already broke that good faith agreement by talking to OM. I don't see things getting better... I could definitly be wrong about that. But do you have the strength?

[Love is Tragic]

Hi everyone. I don't know if I should post here or in Infidelity or what.

 

I am married and I was an OW to a married man. I stopped the affair a few months ago and told my husband about it. (He had known I was talking a lot to MM so I guess he knew of an EA... I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted and we separated) After I broke off the A, my H and I started working things out and I felt strong and happy. I told him it was a PA too and he still stayed with me. He said I was brave and strong for telling him the truth and breaking it off. I didn't "miss" MM or anything. My H and I are in counseling and he is a great man, I felt so lucky/ happy that he wanted to reconcile.

 

Now suddenly MM has come back into my life and I am finding that I am completely weak. He acts obnoxiously and I find myself either hating or loving him, but either way, he is taking up all my thoughts. I started talking to him again (responding to his renewed efforts to contact me) which was a *huge* mistake. I haven't touched him but at times I really want to -- I have never had that kind of passion and connection with anyone.

 

Have any of the rest of you OW/ OM broken up with MM, only to find yourself at the stage of starting the affair all over again? I feel depressed and upset at myself. How can I love my husband if I find myself thinking about and wanting to talk to MM? How can I be completely honest with my H if that means telling him that I often think of making love to MM and how mind-blowing it was? Am I complete w*&re?? I never thought it was only about sex -- MM and I connected on every level and we both separated from our spouses and spent a lot of time together so it wasn't just a sex-based relationship. Now I miss the intellectual connection I had with MM and also the physical aspect. I wonder how much of it was based on sex, it was the best sex I have ever had -- does that mean I should divorce my H??

 

My H thinks I hate MM because I did when I broke off the A, and I think it will crush him to tell him I've been talking to him again. I went NC with MM before and it worked great, I was happy. But now that we are speaking again I am in a whirlwind of emotions. I feel like the fact that I even allowed myself to start talking to MM again means I betrayed my H's trust *again* and we should just get divorced (which we were seriously considering while separated) because I feel I am a bad person who can't be trusted. I *know* how much this hurt him and yet I have the urge to talk to MM because he makes me feel like superwoman. What is wrong with me?? I feel like I am crazy and destructive. I do hurtful things and I am so upset.

 

Near the end of my A I lurked on this board and the infidelity one and realized what I needed to do. But now that I am in this situation I don't know... what happens when I backslide? Does MM really *ever* go away????? What can I tell myself to make me end it for good this time?? Even when I think about our time together I know we wouldn't work out long term -- we tried that and it failed. I think it was just a fantasy in my head that sometimes I still want back. I'm sorry for rambling. I have no one to talk to about this, and I've decided to stop talking to him and to try to talk to people in cyberspace instead. Sometimes I want to shout I HATE YOU to MM and sometimes I feel like I love him. I think it's better to say that here than to him. I am just looking for someone to talk to about this.

 

Your story sounds so much like mine, except of two major points: I havent told my H about my affair with exMM, and exMM hasnt come back into my life at all. So, im still living with this secret, but at least i dont have exMM around to make it any more complicated. I can totally understand the connection you have with your exMM. Its intoxicating, isnt it? Completely makes you weak. I had the same exact thing with exMM. My H knew we talked on the phone frequently, and wasnt really happy about it, but doesnt know about my EA/PA. You could be missing that sexual/emotional connection with your H that you had so strongly with MM. I think you want that back, but you love your H so much, you dont want to go back in time and hurt him again.

 

I too, am married to a great guy, he takes good care of my and our child, has a good job, and is very caring, but.. I dont have that connection with him that i had with exMM. I just dont feel that realization of, "he GETS me", with my H. ExMM just "got" me. We shared the same interests, and was like we were in each others minds constantly. That feeling was pretty awesome. If youre asking if its ok to divorce your H because you dont have that connection with him, maybe. Im still trying to figure that out myself. Although i wouldnt have any more interaction with exMM unless you become both single, available, and worked through your issues.

 

I still love exMM, and think of him often. At least he hasnt contacted me-i probably couldnt handle it. I feel for you! If this continues to plague you, i would go for a trial separation until you can decide which path in life you want to take. I think for all of us, its only natural to daydream about our exMM's, especially when they come back into our lives. It stirs up all those old feelings, even when we think we know better. We cant help it-its human nature to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your story sounds so much like mine, except of two major points: I havent told my H about my affair with exMM, and exMM hasnt come back into my life at all. So, im still living with this secret, but at least i dont have exMM around to make it any more complicated. I can totally understand the connection you have with your exMM. Its intoxicating, isnt it? Completely makes you weak. I had the same exact thing with exMM. My H knew we talked on the phone frequently, and wasnt really happy about it, but doesnt know about my EA/PA. You could be missing that sexual/emotional connection with your H that you had so strongly with MM. I think you want that back, but you love your H so much, you dont want to go back in time and hurt him again.

 

I too, am married to a great guy, he takes good care of my and our child, has a good job, and is very caring, but.. I dont have that connection with him that i had with exMM. I just dont feel that realization of, "he GETS me", with my H. ExMM just "got" me. We shared the same interests, and was like we were in each others minds constantly. That feeling was pretty awesome. If youre asking if its ok to divorce your H because you dont have that connection with him, maybe. Im still trying to figure that out myself. Although i wouldnt have any more interaction with exMM unless you become both single, available, and worked through your issues.

 

I still love exMM, and think of him often. At least he hasnt contacted me-i probably couldnt handle it. I feel for you! If this continues to plague you, i would go for a trial separation until you can decide which path in life you want to take. I think for all of us, its only natural to daydream about our exMM's, especially when they come back into our lives. It stirs up all those old feelings, even when we think we know better. We cant help it-its human nature to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.

 

 

Yeah it's human nature to see if the grass is greener, but it is greed that compells a person to blindly follow a path of ruin.

 

That being said why dont you tell your husband the truth of what you been doing and let's see what happens. Let's ee if the fantasy of the affair still lasts for you.

 

You will be looked at like a trifling wife and a loose woman that can willingly destroy your family over a man who isnt worth it.

 

Why not be a real woman and admit fault ,reveal the truth.

 

Or are you as another self righteous cheater gonna justify the affair even though it's wrong. Have you been checked for STD's? Do you know if your contageous, have you infected your husband? Dont you care about your well being and other's around you? Or are you just thinking of yourself?

 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

[goodbyegirl]

I can totally understand the connection you have with your exMM. Its intoxicating, isnt it? Completely makes you weak. I had the same exact thing with exMM. My H knew we talked on the phone frequently, and wasnt really happy about it, but doesnt know about my EA/PA. You could be missing that sexual/emotional connection with your H that you had so strongly with MM. I think you want that back, but you love your H so much, you dont want to go back in time and hurt him again.

 

I too, am married to a great guy, he takes good care of my and our child, has a good job, and is very caring, but.. I dont have that connection with him that i had with exMM. I just dont feel that realization of, "he GETS me", with my H. ExMM just "got" me. We shared the same interests, and was like we were in each others minds constantly. That feeling was pretty awesome. If youre asking if its ok to divorce your H because you dont have that connection with him, maybe.

 

Yes, this is exactly what I mean. I am good friends with my husband and we share a lot of the same interests. But it is not on the same level as I was with xMM -- that intimacy and bonding. Like I said, I think that's because it was a forbidden affair that made it so much more fantastic and exciting.

 

So that is exactly what I was struggling with. I didn't know how honest I should be with my husband. If I say "I am missing the mind-blowing sex and close intimacy and passion I shared with xMM", it will obviously hurt him, but it is the radical truth.

 

But I also knew I need to be honest with him about talking to xMM again b/c I need him to help me STOP it. This weekend was really great, I told him I am so sorry but I started talking to xMM again. He was quite surprised because it had been so long since the A. But he thanked me for telling him and asked me what it means. I said "it means I am weak and I can't do this on my own. I need you to hold me accountible." I gave him my cell phone code, my email passwords, everything, and told him I need to know he has access to these things so I won't continue to do things in secret. We are going to talk in our next marriage counseling about why I feel the need to do things in secret that hurt him.

 

Instead of telling him I miss all of that with xMM, I decided to try to recapture it with him. Because really there are so many things I love about my husband more than I love about xMM. And I realize that everything I had with xMM is based on something fake and fading. So I don't want to end our marriage just because we don't have in reality what I had with xMM in fantasy. I just focused on my husband this weekend and what he needs and wants, and I also told him I need to feel closer to him intimately, and honestly, I forgot all about xMM.

 

I know that some people will think I should have told my husband more -- that I miss having sex with xMM, or something, but I told him what I think I needed to do to keep our marriage intact but not hurt him too bad. Honestly when I focus on my H I really *don't* miss sex or anything with xMM -- I certainly don't miss all the drama and confusion and lying and deceit.

 

Thank you to everyone here who helped me out. It is just what I needed. I wanted to go scream at xMM or go crying to my H telling him I miss xMM. I don't think either of those would have been a good solution. Sometimes I just need to get things out. Thanks again.

[Cobra_X30]

Your story sounds so much like mine, except of two major points: I havent told my H about my affair with exMM, and exMM hasnt come back into my life at all. So, im still living with this secret, but at least i dont have exMM around to make it any more complicated. I can totally understand the connection you have with your exMM. Its intoxicating, isnt it? Completely makes you weak. I had the same exact thing with exMM. My H knew we talked on the phone frequently, and wasnt really happy about it, but doesnt know about my EA/PA. You could be missing that sexual/emotional connection with your H that you had so strongly with MM. I think you want that back, but you love your H so much, you dont want to go back in time and hurt him again.

 

I too, am married to a great guy, he takes good care of my and our child, has a good job, and is very caring, but.. I dont have that connection with him that i had with exMM. I just dont feel that realization of, "he GETS me", with my H. ExMM just "got" me. We shared the same interests, and was like we were in each others minds constantly. That feeling was pretty awesome. If youre asking if its ok to divorce your H because you dont have that connection with him, maybe. Im still trying to figure that out myself. Although i wouldnt have any more interaction with exMM unless you become both single, available, and worked through your issues.

 

I still love exMM, and think of him often. At least he hasnt contacted me-i probably couldnt handle it. I feel for you! If this continues to plague you, i would go for a trial separation until you can decide which path in life you want to take. I think for all of us, its only natural to daydream about our exMM's, especially when they come back into our lives. It stirs up all those old feelings, even when we think we know better. We cant help it-its human nature to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.

 

LIT, I remember your initial posts way back in the day.

 

I think you are in a very similar emotional situation. You stay and stray. Stay for the comfort and security that your H provides, and stray to fill that emotional void inside of you. I'm sure you blame your husband for that void... but it's not really his fault. Honestly if you didn't blame him then you wouldn't be able to use him the way you do... and in truth you use him in a way most savage.

 

If you cannot love him... let him go! Perhaps he is currently unlovable, but your either not willing or not able to motivate him to change. Or perhaps is is more than lovable... you are just incapable of doing so.

 

In the end the choice is yours. Continue as you are... or commit to change. Take a hard look at your reflection.... is that someone you want to be?

[goodbyegirl]

?

I apologize, I may be a touch dense but I didnt really understand what you believe love is. Honestly, love is many things. I can love my dog, I can love my couch, I can love God... ect. However within the context of a relationship, I believe there are somethings about love we can all agree upon.

 

So you believe that love is a choice? I agree with that. I think it's a choice you have to make every day. It's not something whimsical, where you emotionally yo-yo between men from week to week. That just doesnt sound like love to me.

 

I believe that marriages can be saved after an A, but I do not believe that most of them should be saved.

 

Listen... why do we put people in jail when they physically assualt others? To punish and to rehabilitate the offender. This is an effective formulea to create change within an individual and provide justice for the victims.

 

Now apply that to an A. Basically what you have is a situation where one person emotionally abuses another. If the victim chooses to forgive the offender, it is simply based on 'good faith'. No true consequences exist, and there is no ability to seek justice.

 

So, in your case... you have that forgiveness, and it is 100% upon you to make yourself worthy of that. You already broke that good faith agreement by talking to OM. I don't see things getting better... I could definitly be wrong about that. But do you have the strength?

 

 

I agree with everything you just said about love and my husband's faith in me. I don't really agree with your viewpoint on affairs and I am glad that my husband believes in forgiveness more than you seem to. I agree that I need to show him he can have faith in me. That does take a lot of strength but I am trying.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I agree with everything you just said about love and my husband's faith in me. I don't really agree with your viewpoint on affairs and I am glad that my husband believes in forgiveness more than you seem to. I agree that I need to show him he can have faith in me. That does take a lot of strength but I am trying.

 

Why would any man stay with a woman who's a blatant cheater?

 

Are you saying he should put up with your trifling crap?

 

What if you catch HPV or AIDS? then what, he's willingly gonna accept it?

 

Come on.

[goodbyegirl]

Yeah it's human nature to see if the grass is greener, but it is greed that compells a person to blindly follow a path of ruin.

 

That being said why dont you tell your husband the truth of what you been doing and let's see what happens. Let's ee if the fantasy of the affair still lasts for you.

 

You will be looked at like a trifling wife and a loose woman that can willingly destroy your family over a man who isnt worth it.

 

Why not be a real woman and admit fault ,reveal the truth.

 

Or are you as another self righteous cheater gonna justify the affair even though it's wrong. Have you been checked for STD's? Do you know if your contageous, have you infected your husband? Dont you care about your well being and other's around you? Or are you just thinking of yourself?

 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

 

My husband does not see me as a trifling loose woman so I don't care what your opinion of me is. I am not here to fight with you, although you use fighting words. I care about myself as well as other people. I am trying to figure out things for myself so that I can do the right thing for me and my husband. I never said I was perfect, in fact far from it. I don't feel you are here to offer real advice, only to make me feel bad. Well sorry but it doesn't work. I am just here to tell the truth about my situation, to say "please help me" because I am sad and confused (at least I was before this weekend when I spoke with my husband) and see if others who have experienced this have advice for me. They gave me very good advice. I appreciate your contribution but no offense-- you didn't do anything but spout insults. And the minute you start calling me names is the minute I stop talking to you. You may not like my character because I've had an affair, but I am always respectful in the way I phrase things to people, especially when allegedly responding to their request for "advice" when they are down, which is more than I can say about you and your character. I and other women have been called way worse than "trifling loose women" because of our experiences in life, but I prefer not to talk to people who name-call like that. I will not be reading any more of your posts, because I do not engage in dialogue with people who unnecessarily insulting me. It only makes me wonder what is wrong with *them* and I don't want advice from people like that. So please go insult someone else, thanks!

Edited February 4, 2008 by goodbyegirl