MartianChronicles Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 the other night i dreamt i was chasing my ex. i was holding this knife in my hand and, as soon as i reached him, i stabbed my ex in the back. last night i dreamt of beating him up with a baseball bat. i am not a violent person, though i must admit i really got mad at my ex and all his **** after we broke up. i feel this huge part of me that's not willing to forget and forgive, that thinks all the pain that spoiled brat caused to me was too much to bear, and wishes he suffers the same from someone else, sooner or later. no, i'm not a violent person, but i seem to be vengeful, and that's scary but what about you? do you think you can forgive your exes for the pain they brought to you? and have you actually forgiven them?
ElvenPriestess Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 My two previous ex's are forgiven. It took time, but I knew in myself I had to forgive. Otherwise I couldn't be forgiven on my own mistakes. It's not worth it to hold a grudge, to wish some one get their just desserts. It consumes a person, and is not healthy. And believe me, I've had some horrible things happen, and was still able to forgive.
SamZamboni Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I think you should try to forgive and forget so that you may move on. You've been poisoned and it's eating you alive, from the inside out. Forgive him, for your sake.
serendip Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I forgave my ex once already for cheating(I think too easily) then she went behind my back and did it again. I would forgive her again if she just simply apologize and took responsibility for her actions without excuses or justifications. She never did on her own accord...so it's kind of hard for me to forgive her Right now I'm just trying to forget about it and move on I've only had one dream of the ex(in our entire relationship)...right after we broke up...I dreamt I was at a restaurant and she was there with someone else....I said 'hi' and did small talk...that was it never had a violent dream
KittenMoon Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I've had a LOT of these same dreams. I am still very angry with my ex. But keep in mind our dreams are not us vs. our ex, they are us vs. ourselves. I had a dream the other night about us getting back together, and it felt really good, but it wasn't working because I couldn't forgive him. I'm taking that as a pretty clear message from my subconcious. Personally, I don't believe in forcing forgiveness. If you have to force it, you don't mean it. The best I try to do is accept how angry I am, and try not to feed its fire. A fire will eventually consume itself w/o fuel. Give it a try- just let it be what it is.
MattyTee Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I've had a LOT of these same dreams. I am still very angry with my ex. But keep in mind our dreams are not us vs. our ex, they are us vs. ourselves. I had a dream the other night about us getting back together, and it felt really good, but it wasn't working because I couldn't forgive him. I'm taking that as a pretty clear message from my subconcious. Personally, I don't believe in forcing forgiveness. If you have to force it, you don't mean it. The best I try to do is accept how angry I am, and try not to feed its fire. A fire will eventually consume itself w/o fuel. Give it a try- just let it be what it is. Very good post! At the end of the day the only thing you can do to be at peace is to accept how you feel. Don't fight feeling angry, feeling sad or try and force any sort of forgiveness. If you can accept both everything that has happened and the way it makes you feel, funnily enough you'll find a sense of peace and forgiveness will come on its own
Author MartianChronicles Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 hey matt! it's been six months since the jerk dumped me. i have lots of things to do, peolpe to meet, and i'd dare say the 90% of me has moved on. a 10% just is not ready well, i dont really mind dreaming of hitting/stabbing my ex, as long as i wake with a large smile on my face
lbj123 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I read a quote recently: "Smoking is to the lungs as resentment is to the heart" Anger, resentment, bitterness...these are hard feelings to control, but holding on to these feelings for too long eats away at you. if they take up too much space inside of you it gets in the way of all of the positives that you want to feel. Letting go in tough, but it feels so much better to throw those negative feelings away and challenge yourself to rise above them. Clearly you can't control your dreams, but just do your best not to dwell on them!
Trimmer Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Personally, I don't believe in forcing forgiveness. If you have to force it, you don't mean it. The best I try to do is accept how angry I am, and try not to feed its fire. A fire will eventually consume itself w/o fuel. Yes... Interestingly, although "to forgive" sounds like an action that you choose to do, I found that - as much as I tried along the way - I ultimately found myself (almost by surprise) at a place of "forgiveness" without forcing myself. The best I could do by choice along the way was to work out my anger, bitterness, and pain and grow strong again as an individual. But as much as I believed forgiveness to be an important step, saying "OK now, I have to forgive" didn't really ever work; I wasn't ready. I think my belief that forgiveness would ultimately be valuable helped me to recognize it when it arrived, but it truly was not someplace I got to through conscious force of will.
sakeeta Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I think eventually I will get to that "place" of forgiveness for my ex, but right now I am not ready at all. I think I need that lack of forgiveness and anger right now, partly to keep myself from being stupid and getting right back into the situation I left. There is a part of me I struggle with all the time, the one that wants to run back to the man that I fell so deeply in love with, to beg for his forgiveness...but then I remember what happened and I get angry and remember that the man I left was not the same man I fell in love with..and that lack of forgiveness right now keeps me in check!
Woggle Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I forgive my ex. The funny thing is for as much crap as she put me through all I can feel for her is pity and I only feel pity for people that are utterly hopless. She is a miserable and sad person that has created her own hell.
PinkRibbon Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I am not ready to forgive my husband for levaing me and never wanting to talk about it, He shut the door so tight and had yet to open it and say anything. So no I will never forgive him for what he has done to me or my daughter.
sandflea Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Forgiveness is something you do for you, not them. It empowers you. Try it. You'll feel like a better person. Don't forget to forgive yourself as well...
Always Wrong Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 (edited) MartianChronicles Feelings and emotions of all kinds are the most normal thing in the world. How we act on those feelings and emotions determines who we are. We are not bad people for those dreams. If you are so concerned you think there's a chance you may turn them into reality, then you may want to talk to a psychologist not a psychiatrist if possible because a law has been ratified recently that prevents a person from becoming a gun owner if you have ever paid to seek psychiatrict counceling. There's a huge difference. Isn't that crazy! It's going to discourage people from seeking help! And we pay them for crap like that... amazing. You're just fine, you have every right to be angry and our dreams are a coping mechanism not very well understood at this point. Speculated highly upon, but not very well understood. I have in the recent past turned negative dreams to my favour. Many times when we go to sleep, the very thing on our mind is what we will dream about. Try conciously thinking about forgiveness and tollerance and temperment and inner peace while you are drifting off. It can be quite relaxing, and has a high potential to influence your dreamstate. Forgiveness comes with you being at peace with yourself. You don't ever have to stop wanting or not wanting to see him again to arrive at forgiveness. You will know when the time comes. Don't be in a hurry to get there. That will actually slow the process. I forgave mine, after I forgave myself for my part in everything. Accepting the part I played in it all wasn't easy at all. But after I did, things got a lot better, and the dreams went away. AW Edited February 3, 2008 by Always Wrong spelling again...
smileysmile Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 (edited) Interesting thread... I was going to start my own thread on this. Readers might be clued up on my situation so I won't go into to much detail. What I know now having been S just over 5 mths apart that is in separate houses, my STBXW wants me to stay humble as she gets over her deep rooted hurt by me. Is still angry with me and resentful. She is dealing with the hurt and pain I caused her in her own way and several things that had happened after our D was born Nov 2007 she will NEVER forgive me and will take it to the grave. Those things were my behaviour. She is only angry when she sees me. There is no love, or kindness in her tone like there used to be. I have wrecked her dreams and happiness with the man she hoped to have lived with forever til death do us part. I can only imagine what thoughts she has had of US and our family now wrecked by me. So unless she can forgive she isn't going to heal and with all that bad fog about I am going to have to deal with this hate/anger she has for me for a long time. And without her forgiving me and healing there would certainly be no chance of reconcilation Ladies..If your man had done this to you..is it because you still care or/and have feelings for your man who hurt you so much? When you have settled in your new home after 3 mths isn't it time to move on? My ex says shes moved on but not emotionally. She has moved on from me physically... I think eventually I will get to that "place" of forgiveness for my ex, but right now I am not ready at all. I think I need that lack of forgiveness and anger right now, partly to keep myself from being stupid and getting right back into the situation I left. There is a part of me I struggle with all the time, the one that wants to run back to the man that I fell so deeply in love with, to beg for his forgiveness...but then I remember what happened and I get angry and remember that the man I left was not the same man I fell in love with..and that lack of forgiveness right now keeps me in check Interesting. Do you think that is what my ex is doing? Won't allow to get back in the same situation as she once was..with me? So this BARRIER is up and she keeps telling herself I am not going to forgive him etc so she puts up her barriers to protect her? And why did you beg for his forgiveness? I thought you were the one who couldn't forgive? Maybe my ex is struggling to ref to wanting to get back with me and part of her really still loves me..but doesn't want to take that chance? So all this anger she has is a way of protection? but what about you? do you think you can forgive your exes for the pain they brought to you? and have you actually forgiven them? Hmmm not far as my ex is concerned Edited February 3, 2008 by smileysmile
sakeeta Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I don't know if using her anger and hurt as a barrier, but I am...that much I can tell you for certain. In my case, this is round 3. I have given him 3 chances, the last one I thought for certain was the one. I thought he finally understood and was ready, and I moved back from 360 miles away for this chance...and he let me down. Big time. He did exactly what he had done that broke us up before. I am right across a field from him, can see his house from my daughters where I have been staying. It takes everything in my power to stay away, but that anger helps. Going back into that would be wrong, but I am so afraid that I won't ever love like that again. I very much miss the man I fell in love with, but the man I left wasn't that person. He seems incapable of letting himself love, and I need to be loved. It wasn't any fun being in love by myself. I think that maybe there is a possibility that he does love me, but he won't let himself do it, and begins to take me for granted. I guess I would feel like I would need to beg for forgiveness for leaving. I do have guilty feelings about that. And yes, as much as I have tried not to, and as angry, resentful and bitter as I am, I do still love the man. I know what he's capable of, but for some reason I don't understand it doesn't work with me. Somehow he always ends up looking at me as his enemy and pushes me away. I can't take it anymore. But I can't stop loving him either. I just wish that love could heal him. I did my best. Love is supposed to be a good thing, but apparently it isn't for everyone. I still have a lot to work out. This morning I ran across a picture of him with my granddaughter that I didn't even realize existed. It crushed me. They loved each other so much, and in that picture I can see the man I fell in love with. I am so hurt, so disappointed, still so in love with that man, and I miss him terribly. I think the only way I am going to heal is to leave the state altogether, so I am going to head west to California. Maybe when I lay my eyes on the Golden Gate I can start to heal. I don't think I will start to until then, and even then I don't know if I ever completely will.
smileysmile Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 (edited) You sound as if you have been together for a long time? A lot of history. Did he hurt you that bad? My exes hurt caused by me is probably different from your hurt caused by your H? Are you clear with your emotions to him? Are you open with your emotions? Every situation is different to cause that hurt. My ex doesn't show any postive feelings for me. If she does have any she sure keeps it to herself. She gave me many chances to change but cut the cord eventually 'cos she thought I couldn't change and she couldn't and wouldn't stay in a toxic environment. I know I hurt her. But if you have read my situation why did she fall prey to this work colleague? She told me she had low self esteem and she liked the attention. I was wondering if you had fallen for somebody elses attention maybe not given by your H? I have posted this email in another thread sent to me in June 2007 from ex when she was in work. Of course I was saying to her I didn't want her to go. But this more or less is what she was feeling. You know ***** I have been thinking even more... I still can't get my head around why if you love someone, you want to say such hurtful things all the time when angry, why would you want to hurt me the way you did? In the end I know I began saying things too. It was never me to do that, even if I have shown I am capable since....anyone is more or less capable in the end when pushed enough!!! These are things that will stay with me forever, and I will always wonder why the man that I hoped to spend my life with and grow with wanted to throw it all away with so many issues and things that he did to cause problems in the relationship. Or for that matter why he didnt want me enough to try and change some of the things that even he knew were a problem! I know ***** that you will probably want to defend yourself, but there is no point as it is my feelings on the way this relationship broke down, and they won't change as you didn't try to change the things that were going wrong after all the times I asked/begged you too. So I cannot change my thoughts on it all. Anyway, its all a big shame, but there is no point in stressing about it all now, there were enough chances to make this relationship a cracking one. But it never happened and i dont want to be in this kind of loveless marriage any longer. Nor do I want our daughter growing up in it as she would soon pick up on the problems. Lets not discuss this any further. We couldnt make it work...end of......! Maybe my ex is not consciously waiting to see a change in me. Maybe she will see it one day as time goes by. With plenty of time and space and unconditional kindness from me won't go unnoticed. Maybe she might see the man she once fell in love with. Edited February 3, 2008 by smileysmile
Politico Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 It's the only way to purge yourself of them. Until you've forgiven them you're still tied to them emotionally, and who wants that?
sakeeta Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Yes..he hurt me that bad. We do have a lot of history. And no, there has never been another man for me that even piqued my interest after I met him. I try to be open with my emotions, but it is easier for him to bury his head in the sand and ignore my feelings than it was to work on things. That is one of the biggest things that killed what we had...his lack of effort in the relationship. He chose not to listen, chose not to put in the effort. I feel quite a lot like your wife, that I didn't mean enough, what we had didn't mean enough to him to put forth that effort. He has also made no effort since I left to get me back, or to acknowledge that he made any mistakes. He just thinks I had a meltdown about getting fired from my job and left. Fact is, he was pushing me out the door for months, and then planted his foot in my back and gave me the final push. I left my home and all my belongings, with the exception of my personal possessions, and left everything to him. He couldn't even say thank you. I made my feelings very clear before I came back, and he promised me the world, then did not deliver...again. The pain I have had with this man has brought me closer to suicide than anything ever has. I won't do it, of course, but it has crossed my mind...pretty seriously a couple of times. As far as your wife seeking attention from others..I was previously married in a terrible relationship. While in that relationship I did stray outside the marriage a few times...I believe I was seeking someone to rescue me out of my situation, because at the time I was unable to rescue myself. Yeah..the attention did make me feel better...temporarily. It didn't take me long to figure out that they were just using me and I was not going to be rescued. So I stopped. A lot of women feed on that attention, but it wasn't fulfilling to me. I want to be loved, not used! It is very possible that your ex has given up hoping for that change, as I have. I heard once that love could melt a rock...but they haven't met my ex! Even all my love could not melt him.
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