base618 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 So this is going to be more of a rant than a question I think... So yesterday was STBXW's 35th B-Day. This was the year that she was convinced that if she didn't get pregnant, that she wouldn't be able to, which led to her meltdown and her affair w/ her coworker. She also (her words) needs to run, wants to move to another city, start over, etc. Has been interviewing in other cities. I caught her in the affair while she was away with him via a phone call where she admitted everything. When she came home from her trip with him, she packed her things (I made sure to not be home) and moved in with him and I haven't seen her since. That has helped (over 2 months now). Here's that part that I'm not sure how I feel: She plans to move away, so if the OM doesn't move away with her, he's basically getting sex in return for free room and board until she moves. Which, I guess more power to him, after all, if it wasn't *my* wife he was doing it with, would think that's a pretty sweet deal. If he does move away with her, I would find that hard to believe that a friend of 'ours' would sell his house, side business, and quit his job to move to a new city with someone who was lying and cheating on her husband while they were in fertility treatments. Just can't possibly make sense that he would do that, and/or they think things would possibly work out. So, since yesterday was her B-Day, I had a few beers after work, know that I shouldn't have, but whatever. They only live 4 miles away from my house, so on the way home from the bar, for the first time since she left, I drove by his house. There it was, "For Sale" sign on the front yard. So I got home, and had a few more beers, got online and was able to see all the pics of his house via the realtor website... and some of 'our' stuff in there (stuff we agreed would be hers, and I knew she took it, but still). So, probably due to the beer, my streak of consecuitive days w/o crying ended, but I don't know why I got upset. There was nothing new, DO NOT want to be with her now that I know just how much of a selfish, lying, etc. she is. I never did like the fact that she was sleeping with him just until she moved away, so in a way, this is the better scenario, at least I think it is. So don't know why I got upset like I did. So the worst part is, it's an Open House this Sunday, so I will have to work very hard not to go and see it (she brings him into our house when I'm not there to help her pack, so I figure it's only fair I get to go through his house). Hoping that posting this on here, and getting politely 'yelled' at not to go (especially from (2) members on here who help very much, but do yell a lot... you know who you are) will keep me from going. Guess I should say now that I am going to post on Monday that I didn't go... and that will be my incentive not to. Just sucks.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 My heart goes out to you, and every other MM who has been cheated on. It disgusts me, and I will never comprehend the thought capacity to do such a thing. But moving forward. I can't believe she has the nerve to bring this guy into YOUR house to help her pack! If there were ever a middle finger up that's her giving it. Geeze, she is terrible! You going to the open house? Well, if it were me (though I am female) I would probably tempted as well. But think logically. The pictures all by themselves made you hurt right? So imagine the pain you'd bring yourself by seeing those things in person. And if you were to see either of them or both of them, the feelings you have would just amplify. You don't want to do that to yourself right? I KNOW you know you'd only be hurting yourself, masacistic really it is. Whatever you have to do to distract yourself from going, do it! If that means calling a friend, hanging out with them and making them promise to keep you away, then so be it. Your healing can not ever begin, and yourself only step backwards if you continue to stay in the elements of her. So for your own sake, the sake of your sanity and emotional health. STAY THE H**L AWAY! Stay strong!! *Hugs you*
PinkRibbon Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Sneaky monkey wanting to go to the Open House. But don't go...save some dignity and more hurt and pain and do not go. Take a long drive far far away and sight see someplace new but stay away from there. I hope it works.
Ocean-Blue Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 You poor guy. Kudos to you for keeping yourself sane. I am sometimes amazed at the inner strength that some people possess! DO NOT go to that open house. ONLY go if you think it'll give you some kind of closure (in a twisty, sad way). She is gone. And honestly, good freakin' riddance. The woman has NO class or morals or values. The woman was nothing but a liability to you. Think of it this way...now that she's hot yours, she is HIS problem. Let him worry about her screwing him over. Let him worry about her rants about wanting a baby. Let him worry about the drama and the emotional roller coaster. She is no longer your problem. You are a free man.
Gunny376 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 This wanting to go to the OH is really just a ego trip down another "rabbit-hole"! Its your mind playing the old "What's he got that I ain't got?!" type deal. (And anything along that line?) is self destructive and put you two steps back in moving forward and on-ward with your life. Let it and her both go ~ any woman that would do you like she did? You don't need! And to be honest? Sounds like she might be missing a few marbles? But, you do go? Take your dog!!!!! :laugh: (Borrow one if you don't own one! ) ~ leave them a little something to remember you buy over in the corner of each room! (Not seriously ~ just trying to give to laugh about! )
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 If she did it to you, she'll do it to him, mark my words. Sooner or later they will betray one another. You can look yourself in the mirror and know you did everything right and she's the F-ed up one. She's the one with the issues. She's the one who betrayed me. At some point that switch is gonna come on and your just gonna seem to care. Detach, breathe, relax. Date around, get some new coochie, go have some fun.
Author base618 Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 So I said I would post here on Monday... Was out running errands, so would have been easy to go to the Open House, but didn't. Everyone keeps telling me the old cliche "there will be good days and there will be bad days". Not sure why, but lately feel like I regressed a bit. Whereas a few weeks ago, my thoughts really didn't involve 'too' much what was going on, this weekend it was always on my mind. Motivation to go to the gym has fallen off (haven't been in 2 weeks), didn't go out this weekend, etc. I'm guessing that ups and downs are normal. I'm roughly 2 months out from catching her in her affair, so don't expect to be normal by any means.
PinkRibbon Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I don't think there is anyway to feel better in 2 months but it pretty impressive you didn't go to the house. Kudos to you! Would have been a tough choice to not go.
Trimmer Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 (edited) Hey, Base... Good job on not going. I think I know very much how you feel, and it's hard not giving in. I eventually realized that early in my process, I felt justfied in doing some detective work to try to figure out what was going on, since I was being deceived, but that at some later time, I was just being masochistic, picking at the scabs and sort of reveling in my pain because it was a familiar place to be. Yes, 2 months is a little soon to be getting over it, but by not going to the open house, you have shown yourself that you are taking control of yourself and your life. One of the hardest things to do will be to accept that she is on her own now, that her decisions and actions - much as you will find them mystifying, aggravating, disgusting, even - no longer have anything to do with you. Accepting how separate she is will be an important part of your moving forward with your own life as an individual. I live in a small town, and my daily routines would periodically take me past my STBX's new house, where the OM's car would sometimes be parked out in front. For a while, I took notice; then when I took control of my life, I would force myself to close my right eye as I drove by, to avoid being able to "notice" anything about whether her or his cars were there, or anything else about it. Sounds silly, but just by choosing to take that action, it felt like a positive step forward. I hope your not going to the OH feels like a positive step - the beginning (continuation?) of your disconnection from her, and a healthy turn toward the future. Speaking of healthy - will you commit to me that you'll get back to the gym at least once in the next few days? Yes, things definitely go up and down, day by day and week by week, on different cycles, but keeping yourself healthy and feeling good can only help that. I've finally gotten into an exercise routine, and it feels really good. This is like another one of those steps that you may have to drag yourself into doing, but it will help if you can do it... Edited February 4, 2008 by Trimmer
sandflea Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Dude - you absolutely MUST hit the gym. You'll feel better just working off the stress, and it will get your mind off of things. Do it for you. Hit the gym, hold your head high, you deserve much better. You gotta read No foolin's post as well. It's 100% on the money (I think we ALL agree on that!) - and it will give you perspective. FWIW - You're not alone. My wife left me in 2005 (on Valentine's day) to run off to Tx to be with her lover. I couldn't breathe for a month. It absolutely gets better - and as Spring comes around you're going to be feeling MUCH MUCH better - but you gotta get back into your groove. Go build some muscle, and check out the ladies. Pretty soon they'll be checking you out too! Hang in there man. I totally feel for ya. You'll be OK. SF
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