Making friends

[vintagecat]

I'll try to make a long story short. I'm pushing the big 50, I am married happily and have just retired from a career that pretty much ate whatever tiny social life I did have with long hours, evenings etc. I recently started my own business which takes my time of course but really I have much more free time than I used to have especially when folks are socializing, i.e. evenings.

 

I live several thousand miles away from nearest family and after I retired it became obvious that I have no friends, just business acquaintances. The good friends that I have made over the years have moved away (this is a very transient city) and while we keep in touch, it's semi-annually etc.

 

I would like a few girlfriends locally to do things with, to talk with, to compare "women notes" with etc. I have made some effort but my ventures forth have not been reciprocated as folks say that they are busy with their lives (I hear that and definitely could at one time relate) or they say, "let's do that some time" but never follow through unless I do the work. I have been lurking these boards for some time and I really don't want to pester folks that aren't interested in me.

 

To add to this some of my former female coworkers even those retired get together but I am not included. I tell myself that I was never very much a girly girl and related better with my male peers and that is true but it still hurts my feelings to be excluded.

 

I have really forgotten a great deal about making friends and just having fun. I was never stellar at it in the first place and haven't had much practice in all these years. I think I am a good person. I am responsible socially and in every other way that matters. I believe in the golden rule. I am as polite as I know how to be to strangers, acquaintances, business clients, and am kind to animals and folks that need a soft touch. I am clean and neat in appearance and I used to be pretty but have gotten fat though benign neglect over the years and that hasn't raised my stock for those looking to meet new people. (Yes I know, go to the gym but I really hate gyms and would much rather go walking with someone.) My husband just shrugs his shoulders and frankly is in the same position himself with his life eating job.

 

I'm sure there is more. I guess I'll clarify as needed. I'm looking for some advice as this problem hasn't been addressed much, as far as I can find on this list especially for mid life or older women. Any sincere input would be appreciated.

 

Thanks guys.

[Ronni_W]

It is a difficult stage -- even taking special interest courses doesn't guarantee that you'll form bonds that can exist outside the classroom. Other possibilities are book clubs and volunteer organizations -- places that afford long-term and consistent contact.

 

What did strike me about your post is that it comes across like you may be trying too hard to "sell yourself" upfront. (I'm seeing that from the list of your "good/nice" qualities you provided. Although I know it's also intended to help readers get a fuller picture and understand that you are, er, "acceptable socializing material".)

 

What you might feel is "pestering", others might see as friendly gestures that they expect from someone on the outside, as it were, who wants to be invited in. (Really, how will they know that you like/admire/respect them if you do not show it in a much more honest and open way?)

 

What you might believe is "not pestering", others might feel as aloofness.

 

Your preference/comfort zone appears to be to have people approach you rather than you approaching them. But it can be even more draining to always be the one reaching out, than to sometimes be the one doing the reaching. Expanding one's comfort zone is not easy but it sort of sounds like that is what you'll need to do.

 

Is there a former female coworkers that you can call and say, "I'm really missing good woman company since I retired...can we get together for coffee or a movie?" And if she says, "Sure," follow-up right away with, "Next week, I can do Tuesday afternoon or Thursday night...will either work for you?" And just keep going back and forth until you have a firm date.

 

If first former coworker says, "So sorry", then call the next. Or you can ask the one with whom you feel closest, "Do you think the rest will mind if you invite me to your next get-together. I'm just missing your companionship since we retired."

 

I know...your mind just said something like, "Egads! That is waayyyy too forward (or rude or instrusive)."

No. In reality, it isn't. It just feels strange because it's so far out of that old comfort zone . Best of luck.

[vintagecat]

What did strike me about your post is that it comes across like you may be trying too hard to "sell yourself" upfront. (I'm seeing that from the list of your "good/nice" qualities you provided. Although I know it's also intended to help readers get a fuller picture and understand that you are, er, "acceptable socializing material".)

 

Hopefully not a sell job. I was just trying to explain that I'm not a jerk, or at least not most of the time. I can't account for that two or so days of the month where I might be a hormonally induced nutcase though....

 

I know...your mind just said something like, "Egads! That is waayyyy too forward (or rude or instrusive)."

No. In reality, it isn't. It just feels strange because it's so far out of that old comfort zone . Best of luck.

 

Oh yes, that would feel terribly forward and intrusive to me, like the person that we've all met that just can't read social signals at all and keeps inviting themselves and pushing in where they are definitely not wanted. I always feel sorry for those folks and their cluelessness to other's resentment toward them for not getting the "leave us alone" message and heaven help me I'd rather not be one of them.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply and the suggestions. I do know I need to stretch my comfort zone but in regard to my former co-workers, I believe that they have made their choice for me clear socially and I'll likely need to find other friends. I can't imagine that if they wanted my company especially in group settings, that they would not contact me as they have done so with the others. I just can't get past that.

 

Thanks again.

[older_no_wiser]

Where abouts are you? Nowhere close to me I guess?! I am 46 almost 47. Unlike you, it wasn't my career that caught me, it was taking time out from my career to follow my husband into a new town staying home to raise my children then dedicating my life to raising them when I became a single parent.

 

I never seemed able to figure out how to make friends at the school gates or at nursery. The friends I had had before that just seemed to arrive. I wasn't ever aware of how I "made" them friends. I do know all of the places I am supposed to source friends now. Work. Nightclass. Church etc. But I don't seem to know HOW to make them. And I guess I am relatively OK - most of the time, in my role as mum or in spending time alone, for the real drive to push out of my comfort zone to be a bit lacking. I am back at work, my kids will soon both have flow (one already has) and I fear that "I" will then disappear. My biggest dread is there will be no mourners at my funeral!!!!!!!!

 

I have no easy solutions, but if you fancy starting out with an email pen friend, make we could push each other out of those boundaries and see how it goes? In any case, I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

 

Meg

[vintagecat]

Well the forum ate my post, dang it, (sigh) and I didn't have the presence of mind to copy it. So I'll have to shorten it but the essence was I haven't checked back in on this forum as my thread was dead and now due to change related insomnia (thanks mother nature) I'm up in the middle of the night surfing the net, so I checked into this forum on the off chance that someone else might have some help for me. Lo and behold another post!

 

Another person stuck like me. Meg, I totally get your 2nd paragraph. I could have written it myself. I also know the where's, it's the how's that elude me and the few how's that I've employed have come up with nothing other than retuned but distant politeness so I'm questioning everything. Whatever I used to do and I have no idea what that was, used to have results, now nothing does.

 

It seems to me that making friends is so much harder now than when I was younger. Older people seem to get set in their ways and they have their social circles and it's harder to get invited or break into those set circles. That's what my head tells me. My heart on the other hand wonders what the heck is wrong with me that I can't do something as seemingly simple as making a friend. Can it really be that I'm not "fresh" anymore?

 

Meg, I am very likely not located anywhere near you. I detect British, possibly Australian (could be Canada though) phrasing in your post and I am on the northwest coast USA. Not that this would stop me from sharing email with a like minded person but I have no idea how to get beyond the necessary walls of anonymity of this forum as I have no private messaging privileges being new to the forum. If you have any ideas let me know.

 

Thanks for your response. Yes it does help to know there are others in my shoes.

 

Cat

[older_no_wiser]

Cat - hi, I am in Scotland - just outside Edinburgh in fact. I guess we won't be meeting to swap notes over a glass or two any time soon! I hadn't thought of the how to email. I haven't been around here long enough to explore. No personal messaging I guess? OK - well let's try this. snogmerry at the hot place with a com.

 

Meg