It started as an affair, Now im divorced and my girlfriend Broke up with me

[topend22]

This is going to be quite a long post, becuase the incident started nearly 3 years ago. Finally I really aimlessly need your advice poeple. PLEASE. There are various factors at play here, so please avdise me on what to do.

 

I've been in a relationship with a beautriful girl (Miss J) for 3 years. I was married for 7 years, found out my wife was cheating on me and I didnt want a divorce, but didnt want to be with my wife eathier anymore. so we started doing are own things.

 

I met this girl, i am 34 she is 27, for the first year of our releationship, it was a seceret because i was still married. it got to the point of eathier I leave my wife, or end it with my girlfriend. the wife and i sat down and decided it was best to get divorced, bith of us have been living seperate lives for the past year and I REALLY loved my girlfriend and she really loved me. both my girlfriend and I admited to eachother that both of us have never ever felt this kind of love for anybody in our entire lifes.

 

 

The problems starts here, my girlfriend stayed by my side thru the divorce and things got messy as most divorces do, it got to the point i was taking out all my stress on her. we broke up several times and got back together within days because eathier one of us couldnt be without eachother. once the divorce was final we had a great year and a great releationship. then the fighting started. fighting over stupid things, i took her for granted and she treated my like crap. I decide to look on some dating sites to see what was out there, my girlfriend found some emails of my chatting with a girl and she completly lost it.

 

she broke up with me for real this time, i did all the stupid begging and pushing to get her back i could do, the fights were so nasty and so many hurtfull things were said, it was the worst breakup ever. Finally a few months passed and she all of a sudden decided to be nice to me and want to be friends, well it took 2 weeks of being friends and we were right back to sleeping together. This lasted 3 more weeeks we got into a fight over me wanting to have her officially as my girlfriend and she just wanted to date, well, my dumb but pushed and pushed and finally pushed her away AGAIN!! So we stopped talking for about 3 weeks.

 

This time, i did the no contact, as much as it hurt, i didnt call her, it killed me every day. then 2 weeks into the no contact, i get a late night text about our love songs and her asking me to come over and hang out as friends she said. I didnt respond even though it killed me.

 

another 3 days went by and finally i cracked and told her i wanted to be with her again. She told me a releationship with us will NEVER work, she dosent want it, and she never wants to go through the hurt she has gone through. All she wants to do is be friends, the first time we went out was 2 nights ago as friends, ofcourse i tried to kiss her and she got mad, she told me we are just friends and that is it. I told her im sorry for trying to make moves on her and i respect her. I asked her out again and she said ok as long as i promised not to try and kiss her or anything of the sort. but at the same time when i go and pick her up she is trying on some lingre and tells me she thought i was going to call before i came over. whatever right?

 

i REALLY want more then friends, I want to marry her, and dont know what to do. she has told me before, she will always love me but is not in love with me.

 

So my questions is, does she really just want to be friends of does she want more?

 

when she says there is never ever going to be a chance for us, does she really mean this or is just saying it?

 

What do i do from this point forwared?

 

PLEASE someone, tell me what i need to do to stop chasing her and get her to chase me.

 

I have said and done everything in the world to show and tell her I would give her the world on a silver platter. I told her i would marry her tommorow, this is how much i truly love her.

 

one more thing, our sex life is the best both of us have ever had, we both have admited that there is no way possible that eathier one of us will ever experience the passion and most wonderfull sex. she has told me that I practicly give her a heart attack every time, and im not blowing my own horn here honestly.... but after we engage in sex and after she has like 3 orgasams, her legs shack so bad she cant even walk, she does the same for me, it is amazing... i kind of think this is one of the reasons she is so firm with the no contact, i think she is afraid we will have sex and she and I will fall back into that wonderfull sex that we had. I reall dont know and i really need help.

 

Sry if i gave to much info, especially the last part, but i wanted to tell everyone everything.... I want her back in my life, i want her to be my wife.

 

please tell me on what i need to do now to get her back. our last contact was tonight, i took her out to dinner, we had a wonderfull time, we laughed the entire time and had great conversation. we then came back to my place to watch a tv show, then i took her home. when we got to her house, she leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said i had fun, thanks. that was it, as hard as it was, i didnt make any moves on her at all tonight, even when we were laying on tyhe couch under the same blanket, i made sure our bodies didnt touch even the slightst.

 

PLEASE HELP,Signed,

 

In Love

[norajane]

In order to stop chasing her, uh, you have to actually stop chasing her.

 

In order for her to chase you, you have to WAIT for her to do so.

 

You cannot be friends with her. Not only do you want much more than that, but you obviously have NO self control and cannot keep from asking for more. She's keeping you on the back-burner with the friends thing - she likes it that you want her...it makes her feel good to be wanted. That's not a friendship, that's her using you to build up her ego.

 

You have to tell her you can't be 'just friends' with her, and that you want more but if she doesn't want more, then you have to walk away. Then DO that. Stay away, no contact, don't chase. Sit back and deal with it. She may contact you, but if it's not to say that she wants to try again, then tell her again, that you can't be friends with her because you want more. Then go away again. NO contact. She can't possibly miss you if you're always around, always there, always talking to her, always taking her out. If you go away and she never misses you, then she doesn't want to be with you.

 

If she doesn't want to get back together, you have to move on.

[rita's world]

It sounds like you have a lot to rebuild upon. You are still attracted to each other, the sex is great, and you miss each other. What you may need is to rebuild trust. Another way to get her to trust you is if you Go Dark and Get A Life but be visible so she sees that you are happy with or without you. Go out with friends and this will make you more attractive to her. Or you could try a 180 if that does not work. Act reliable if you were spontaneous before. Do not plead or beg but give her unconditional love and wait. Be patient. Do not get desperate if she sees someone else. Begging is not attractive and neither is jealousy. Prove that you will wait for her to sort it out and she will come back if you do not push.

[topend22]

Yea, i know, but we had such a deep love for eachother and i look into her eyes and i know she loves me. it is just so hard to not have her around. what you said is totally true and the worst part about it, I KNOW THIS ALREADY. i just cant do it. my thoughts were to date other people and if our friendship turned into more, then it did, if not< then it wasent ment to be. I know thats not the right thing to do, but i have tried to get over her by going on dates, i compare every woman i go out with to her and none compare. it drives me nuts.... thank you so much for the reply, mabye if i hear it enough it will sink in......

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude, plain and simple your a cheater like your wife was, why not start with someone who doesnt have all that baggage.

 

You sound like your obssesed with her.

[topend22]

I Need Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sandflea]

I think you need to give her the space she says she wants, and I think YOU need some space so you can start to think straight again. There's WAY too much drama going on between you two, and you'll need to "man up" for now, and become comfortable being alone, and just chill.

 

NC is the way to go until she contacts you. Sorry, but that's the only way this will work. Next time you two go out, you're going to have to be strong, and respect her boundaries.

 

In the mean time - work on YOU! Take this down time to get your emotional plate clean, hit the gym, and become the kind of guy that you admire. Next time she sees you, if you can laugh it off, and be confident, and you look great - who knows...

 

This is an "everybody out of the pool" situation, and you really need to sit back and reflect on this. In time, you might work things out with her, but you sound obsessed and NO ONE finds that attractive.

 

Good luck, and keep your chin up.

 

SF

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

Hey, I dont wanna be a ball breaker but.......

 

Thats what u get sucka!

 

Why couldnt you just get physical and leave your emotions for you wife?

 

How did you expect to leave your wife for the greener grass and then think it would work out easier than you had it???? Its just a crock of ****!

 

Plain and simple rebound for the both of you...

 

Like SANDFLEA said on another thread..... the grass is only greener because of all the manuer....

 

Peace and love....and sorry if I offended you

[topend22]

No offence taken, however i wasent going to stay with a wife that had a boyfriend on the side.....

[topend22]

besides the wife used me for money and thats it, she had her boyfriend and i paid her 5K a month CC bill and her 900 a month car payment.

[topend22]

Took the advice and went over to her house and told her i could no longer be friends, I told her i felt differently for her as she felt for me. I told her that it was to hard for me to try and be just friends when i wanted more and if she couldnt give me what i wanted then she would have to let me go. She couldnt have me as her friend.

 

well, she took it pretty well, sounded like she could care less, i actually had tears in my eyes, she didnt even give me a hug, she said ok and then good bye.

 

I forgot to mention something in my first post. I did do the NC thing and it lasted 2 weeks and she texted me wanting me to come over as friends. so im wondering what she will do this time.

 

this time i asked her to please do not call or text me unless she is calling or texting me to give us another shot. I was honest and said it simply hurt to much to talk to her. she said she swore to God that she was sorry she texted me and swore she would never contact me again.

 

who knows, i have like 3 different woman that want to go on dates with me, i jusy dont feel right, i feel all out of place. i dont want to lead any girls on when in effect if my x called me tommorow, i would probably run back to her....

 

Please help me.....

[topend22]

I took you advice Norajane, now i just hope she calls, or i can at the least get over her somehow.......

[norajane]

Took the advice and went over to her house and told her i could no longer be friends, I told her i felt differently for her as she felt for me. I told her that it was to hard for me to try and be just friends when i wanted more and if she couldnt give me what i wanted then she would have to let me go. She couldnt have me as her friend.

 

well, she took it pretty well, sounded like she could care less, i actually had tears in my eyes, she didnt even give me a hug, she said ok and then good bye.

 

I forgot to mention something in my first post. I did do the NC thing and it lasted 2 weeks and she texted me wanting me to come over as friends. so im wondering what she will do this time.

 

this time i asked her to please do not call or text me unless she is calling or texting me to give us another shot. I was honest and said it simply hurt to much to talk to her. she said she swore to God that she was sorry she texted me and swore she would never contact me again.

 

who knows, i have like 3 different woman that want to go on dates with me, i jusy dont feel right, i feel all out of place. i dont want to lead any girls on when in effect if my x called me tommorow, i would probably run back to her....

 

Please help me.....

 

Bravo - you totally did the right thing.

 

If she doesn't call, then she clearly isn't the right girl for you. Best to cut contact so you can start healing and get stronger.

 

And NO, do not go out with anyone right now. You are a basket case, it's not fair to the women, and if you date them now while you are still hung up on your ex, you won't even notice how great those women might be.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Took the advice and went over to her house and told her i could no longer be friends, I told her i felt differently for her as she felt for me. I told her that it was to hard for me to try and be just friends when i wanted more and if she couldnt give me what i wanted then she would have to let me go. She couldnt have me as her friend.

 

well, she took it pretty well, sounded like she could care less, i actually had tears in my eyes, she didnt even give me a hug, she said ok and then good bye.

 

I forgot to mention something in my first post. I did do the NC thing and it lasted 2 weeks and she texted me wanting me to come over as friends. so im wondering what she will do this time.

 

this time i asked her to please do not call or text me unless she is calling or texting me to give us another shot. I was honest and said it simply hurt to much to talk to her. she said she swore to God that she was sorry she texted me and swore she would never contact me again.

 

who knows, i have like 3 different woman that want to go on dates with me, i jusy dont feel right, i feel all out of place. i dont want to lead any girls on when in effect if my x called me tommorow, i would probably run back to her....

 

Please help me.....

 

 

Good now you can start with a fresh slate, why debase your self by doing the same thing your wife was?

 

There's a whole world out there for you to see, go and have some fun with single, uncrazy women!!!

[rita's world]

Um no, you actually did not take our advice because that is called contact. You also laid down a boundary when you actually want her so that is self defeating. I am no expert but I have read too many divorce books and chicks come around when the dude stops pursuing. I dunno why. That is not me but I guess it is psychology??? Go Dark again and let her pursue you. Make sure she knows you will take her back on her terms though when she does initiate contact. Act as if you are happy either way. Good luck. This all sucks. Why can't people who obviously love ach other just stay together and friggin communicate??? I hate all these games and drama!!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Um no' date=' you actually did not take our advice because that is called contact. You also laid down a boundary when you actually want her so that is self defeating. I am no expert but I have read too many divorce books and chicks come around when the dude stops pursuing. I dunno why. That is not me but I guess it is psychology??? Go Dark again and let her pursue you. Make sure she knows you will take her back on her terms though when she does initiate contact. Act as if you are happy either way. Good luck. This all sucks. Why can't people who obviously love ach other just stay together and friggin communicate??? I hate all these games and drama!![/quote']

 

That's right it is drama.

 

Matter of fact why should he even think of this woman in the most romantic sense. Because when it all boils down to it, she was the exit affair out of his bad marriage. Why is he trying to wife her.

 

He'd have better luck on his own rebuilding his life, getting his self together.

 

Forget about this chick alltogether is what I say!

[mental_traveller]

Forget her. If you argue that much, it is never going to work.