br0ken_w0lf Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 First, just wanted to say this place is great! Wish I'd found it several months ago, it's really helped me out. I read way more than I post at the moment, but trying to change that. Anyway, here goes... Long story short: my wife left in Aug 2007 (damn, sounds so long ago yet doesn't feel like it) and is now in a relationship with and living with someone else. Throughout most of our separation, she has been having a difficult time in letting me go. Though I've had an incredibly rough time with this since Aug and I've always maintained that we should be together, I'm at the point now where I've figured out that I need to work on *me* and stop expecting and/or hoping for things to change. I may as well ask for a particular type of weather tomorrow. I still love her and believe that we were meant to be together though. When she is having a rough time dealing with things, I am always there for her to listen; I've said I would continue to do so and will. Interacting with her previously was very difficult for me but I'm mostly over that now; sure, I am sad when she leaves but I pick myself up and get back to what I should be doing. Last week, she was very upset and we had an hour-long chat about things. She explained that things are not bad with the OM at all, she is treated well, etc. (i.e. it's not a case of the grass not being greener). One of her reasons for leaving me was that she believed we lacked chemistry (later on at least) and I guess she has found that with OM. But she now mentioned that, while she has found something she believed we were missing, she is starting to believe that I am her soulmate. She cannot understand why she is having such a hard time letting go. When she gets very upset, it is usually me she comes to, not OM. She is terribly confused about what she wants and I certainly can't offer an opinion here or tell her what to do; I just listen at this point. I've stopped trying to figure any of this out by now. Anyone care to comment on this? Anyone heard of *anything* like this before?
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 God ignore her phone calls and get a divorce how can you tolerate her ass, her complaining about the OM to you when your her husband, And this is the man she left you for? Why are you still talking to each other. She wanted her cake, I'd say stuff her face in it till she cant breathe. She's still emotionally attached to you, make her feel the consequences of her actions. As long as she's still with the OM there will be no communication between you two!!! Why are you putting up with the trifling woman?
sadhubby Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 as long as she has you in her back pocket she can continue eating cake.
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 Why are you putting up with the trifling woman? I don't look at it as "putting up" with anything. I guess it's hard for me to let go as well. This is not someone that I dated for a few months, this was my wife... hard to just "let go" even when stuff like this happens. Thanks for the replies so far, keep 'em comin! It is LS that has helped me so far...
Nomad1 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Broken, I understand your predicament, but you are perpetuating the agony. No matter how supportive you are, how much you love her, she is with the man she left you for. Stop hoping for things to get back to what they used to be. It only stops you from moving on. Who is thinking about you? Not her and not even you! Let her go my friend. Take care of yourself. Nomad1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 One of her reasons for leaving me was that she believed we lacked chemistry (later on at least) and I guess she has found that with OM. Translation - she's banging his brains loose and then running to you for emotional support. I see what she gets out of it, but how the hell does this work for you? Your interactions with her are 180 degrees from where your focus should be... Mr. Lucky
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 See and that's what I'm talking about, she left you for someone else and she's with him , then why is she still talking to you. Dont you get tired of talking to a woman who has dissed you for so long where's your anger. You wasnt dating, you was married and she just threw that away when she left. She doesnt deserve to talk to you. Let him take care of all her needs. That should be your problem anymore. You need to start looking after you and yes she is trifling!!! Stop trying to sugarcoat her behavior because your enabling it! I can empathize with you but dont be a doormat. If she doesnt leave the OM and comes back to the marriage, then there's nothing to talk about!!!
Confused9 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Let her go broken. Don't allow her to take advantage of you. If she was 'having trouble' letting you go...she wouldn't have left in the first place. She is having her cake and eating it too. You need to tell her to get lost. She is taking advantage of you!
Missy27 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 as long as she has you in her back pocket she can continue eating cake. EXACTLY ~ Your W is keeping you on the back-burner just in case things dont work out with OM. She had alot more time invested with you ~ so she knows you're motives ~ she knows you're faithful and you will always be there for her ~ whereas OM could drop her like sh~t off a shovel at a moments notice ~ she doesn't want to be alone and relationship~less, so she's giving you just enough incentive to keep you hovering in the background until she's 100% positive of OM's intentions for her. She's obviously getting some of her EN's (emotional needs) met by OM ~ but the ones he cant meet ~ ? ~ well ~ they're the ones she comes trotting on back to YOU for ~ you're meeting the needs OM cant fulfill. Good ole' hubby's there when I need him (sob sob) This is where YOU have to take control of YOUR life BW. Putting it simply ~ she's lost repsect for you ~ and if you want any chance of re~gaining her interest in you as far as your marriage is concerned ~ you've got to get tough with her ~ you need to set boundaries ~ AND STICK TO THEM ~ you'll never be anything more than a sounding board if you dont. You'll be the one who's expected to pick up the pieces when things fall apart with Loverboy ~ and THAT in itself is no basis to rebuilding a marriage. You've got have some respect for YOURSELF ~ realise and accept what's happened and move on ~ you dont need this sh~t from someone whom ultimately betrayed you. This is NOT your problem. Take control BW ~ jump into the drivers seat of YOUR life and pull the deck back into your hand. Show this lil' gal exactly what she's thrown away ~
Gunny376 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 You can't see it because your too much emotionally engaged in it and involved with it. Were this anyone else ~ a brother, close friend? You'd be "V-8" slapping him upside the head asking, "What's the matter with you!!!!" You should go strict NC, until you can get your emotional bearings together ~ get your wits about you. She's trying to keep you emotionally engaged ~ and its just wrong!!!! As Missy (and others) you're Plan B ~ the back-up plan to the OM. If she can't "seal the deal" with him ~ she'll come running back to you! Everyone knows what it means when a boy/man "scores" but have you ever wondered what the female equivalent is? Its when they can get a man to become attached exclusively emotionally to them and them alone ~ and she's got you on the hook bad! Your wife's not only having sex with another man? But she left you for him and is living with him? And, your still there for? What's not right about this picture?
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Thanks for all the replies, folks. I probably needed to hear some of this stuff... It's just that (obviously) it never comes across this way from her re: the current situation. As far as sealing the deal goes, I think the only thing that's preventing that is her, not him. Damn, I *am* doing better than the last few months but to think about NC.... that was something we said we wouldn't do. Re: the back burner thing, is this something y'all think women do consciously??? Are they really thinking, "well, I'll just see how this goes and if the bottom falls out, I'll go back"? Or does it happen on a subsconscious level (which I would like to believe)? Just can't believe that this is what's going through her head right now, when she is so mixed up and so upset on a consistent basis. I will re-read the various replies and try to wrap my head around this further. I don't feel like I'm emotionally engaged at this point (in that I'm not the wreck I once was) but I still care obviously and don't want to see her hurting - which is why we both agreed to be there for each other if we need to talk. Maybe that's the definition of being emotionally engaged, I don't know... If any of you are thinking, "wow, this guy has a lot to learn", I'd have to agree with you! Thanks again...
Confused9 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Re: the back burner thing, is this something y'all think women do consciously??? Are they really thinking, "well, I'll just see how this goes and if the bottom falls out, I'll go back"? Or does it happen on a subsconscious level (which I would like to believe)? Just can't believe that this is what's going through her head right now, when she is so mixed up and so upset on a consistent basis. I don't think it's a woman thing I think it's a cheater thing. My x did it to me as well and he's a man. I just think that's what happens in most cases regardless of ones s*x.
rita's world Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I actually know how you both feel and I do not agree with many of the replies. I have read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy and numerous books on affairs and your wife's journey is a common one. I can relate to her because my husband is also my soulmate. He knows me better than anyone but I have a hard time seeing him sexually after the effects of marriage. This is so common you have no idea! He felt justified to have an affair so after he did I also found a lover who I had amazing physical chemistry with but no soul connection. It is sad and empty and I am sure she misses you. Look at older couples who stay together. You have only lost her for a few months. What are a few months in a lifetime if she is your soulmate. It is very possible to heal a relationship after an affair. Many people have mentioned it has strengthened their relationship and communication as long as you rebuild trust and get counseling. Talk it out and go out and date others. She will desire you more if she realizes you are desirable to others. Realize affairs are addicting and the OM will be hard to give up. It is not about you.
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 I won't go into it here but, having thought about it, I can recall some times throughout this separation where I've felt disrespected but did not realize it at the time. So I think she has lost respect for me to some degree (and probably more so several months ago when I was trying to convince her to stay - finally figured out that never works). I have to say that she doesn't *expect* me to be there for her. She is very concerned about whether our interactions hurt me (i.e. if us talking bothered me, she would not do it) but, at this point, they don't. Confused: sorry, didn't mean to pick on women in particular, rather was referring to my own situation; but the question was more on the conscious vs. subconscious... rita's world: thanks for the reply, glad someone understands this. And, yeah, I've certainly often thought about the healing possibility at various points. Could I get past this? No idea. Either way, I am in no position for reconciliation now anyway. Have my own personal issues to deal with and she as well. And there will not be a from-me-to-him, him-back-to-me thing happening. If she ever figures out she made a mistake, she'd have to figure that out on her own, by herself. Relationship-hopping never works well and how the hell do you figure out if you miss someone if you don't take time to miss them? Hmmm, I think I'm confusing myself now. That's enough from me.
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 Funny how crap creeps up on you sometimes... Been doing relatively OK lately, doing a bit of work on the house tonight and BOOM!, out of nowhere, I feel like crap - and out come the cigs and wine. Usually there's a trigger of some sort... Damn, I need to start getting out more...
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