jj2007 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Ok, my 14 year old step son told me a couple of days ago he gets a dip every morning on the bus from a buddy of his. I have caught him smoking a couple of times and I have made him aware of all the dangers of smoking and dipping (you know, lung cancer, yellow teeth, gum disease, lip rotting off, "no girl will want to kiss you with a big lump of chew in your mouth")but I do it too (smoking, not dipping)so I'm not one to be all, "do as I say not as I do". I know if he wants to do it he is going to find a way and he wants to be able to take the money he gets for allowance to pay for his habit. I just don't feel comfortable knowing that the money I give him will be going to that. His father told him that he could dip when he got a job and was able to support his own habit. But the problem is, he still can't go into stores and buy it until he is 18. I told him I won't buy it for him because that is contributing to the delinquency of a minor. On the other hand, it worries me what all he is getting from his "buddies" that I don't know about and I don't want him to get a hold of something that will hurt him either. You know the ol' If I allow them to do it, at least I know where it is coming from. What do you guys think? Advice? Thoughts? Thanks in advance!
lovelorcet Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Ok, my 14 year old step son told me a couple of days ago he gets a dip every morning on the bus from a buddy of his. I have caught him smoking a couple of times and I have made him aware of all the dangers of smoking and dipping (you know, lung cancer, yellow teeth, gum disease, lip rotting off, "no girl will want to kiss you with a big lump of chew in your mouth")but I do it too (smoking, not dipping)so I'm not one to be all, "do as I say not as I do". I know if he wants to do it he is going to find a way and he wants to be able to take the money he gets for allowance to pay for his habit. I just don't feel comfortable knowing that the money I give him will be going to that. His father told him that he could dip when he got a job and was able to support his own habit. But the problem is, he still can't go into stores and buy it until he is 18. I told him I won't buy it for him because that is contributing to the delinquency of a minor. On the other hand, it worries me what all he is getting from his "buddies" that I don't know about and I don't want him to get a hold of something that will hurt him either. You know the ol' If I allow them to do it, at least I know where it is coming from. What do you guys think? Advice? Thoughts? Thanks in advance! Ya, maybe you should stop smoking to make a point as to how serious your are...
Author jj2007 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 Ya, maybe you should stop smoking to make a point as to how serious your are... Thanks for your thoughts.
Ronni_W Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Ok, my 14 year old step son told me a couple of days ago he gets a dip every morning on the bus from a buddy of his. JJ, Your first sentence struck me the most, for a couple of reasons: 1. Great that you have that relationship with your step-son. (Congrats!) 2. Why is he telling her that? And I am stuck on #2 ... Is he looking for a grown-up to step in and set some boundaries? Is he needing an "excuse" to tell his buddies that he has got to give it up? What is he looking for, from you? What guidance, what help, what information that you haven't already given??? Personally, I would just flat-out ask him -- Son, how can I help YOU with this info you gave me, that I'm so glad you felt enough trust and confidence to give me? He already knows that you smoke, so if he throws that up you just say, "Yeah, fine...but you knew that BEFORE you chose to tell me, so let's ignore that for just a second and focus on some other reasons you might have decided to tell me." I wouldn't try to put conditions on his allowance, though. I see them as completely separate issues in his growth and development. But definitely my mom wasn't buying my smokes (and booze) when I was 14 -- and my respect for her would have diminished, if she had. No, I had to scavenge like the rest of my delinquent 14-y/o friends
Kamille Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Thanks for your thoughts. It's definitely straight to the point and most likely the best advice anyone could give you in this situation. But I smoked when I was a teenager in spite of the fact neither of my parents ever smoked (well my dad smoked when he was in his early 20s but whatever). (Mostly other people's cigarette or I would 'chip in' on a pack). My parents had the 'at least we know where it's coming from' attitude with alcool when my sister and I were teenagers and it helped us learn to drink responsibly (We'd never dare ask for a quart of tequila and a twelvepack). But I think cigarette is a whole other ball game for the simple reason that I don't think there is such a thing as responsible smoking. I agree with his dad. This is a habit he should pay for himself. When I started smoking and told my parents, all they said was: it's your choice. (Eventually my mom told me she was devastated). Turns out I was never a big smoker (I quit last year, definitely). Does he have a regular allowance? What I would do is not change the amount of money you're used to give him or the frequency in which you give him money. He is fourtheen he needs to learn how to be responsible for himself. If he wants to smoke, let him figure out how to budget for it.
Kamille Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 JJ, Your first sentence struck me the most, for a couple of reasons: 1. Great that you have that relationship with your step-son. (Congrats!) 2. Why is he telling her that? And I am stuck on #2 ... Is he looking for a grown-up to step in and set some boundaries? Is he needing an "excuse" to tell his buddies that he has got to give it up? What is he looking for, from you? What guidance, what help, what information that you haven't already given??? Personally, I would just flat-out ask him -- Son, how can I help YOU with this info you gave me, that I'm so glad you felt enough trust and confidence to give me? He already knows that you smoke, so if he throws that up you just say, "Yeah, fine...but you knew that BEFORE you chose to tell me, so let's ignore that for just a second and focus on some other reasons you might have decided to tell me." I wouldn't try to put conditions on his allowance, though. I see them as completely separate issues in his growth and development. But definitely my mom wasn't buying my smokes (and booze) when I was 14 -- and my respect for her would have diminished, if she had. No, I had to scavenge like the rest of my delinquent 14-y/o friends Wow, I like this answer a lot!
Author jj2007 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 JJ, Your first sentence struck me the most, for a couple of reasons: 1. Great that you have that relationship with your step-son. (Congrats!) 2. Why is he telling her that? And I am stuck on #2 ... Is he looking for a grown-up to step in and set some boundaries? Is he needing an "excuse" to tell his buddies that he has got to give it up? What is he looking for, from you? What guidance, what help, what information that you haven't already given??? Personally, I would just flat-out ask him -- Son, how can I help YOU with this info you gave me, that I'm so glad you felt enough trust and confidence to give me? He already knows that you smoke, so if he throws that up you just say, "Yeah, fine...but you knew that BEFORE you chose to tell me, so let's ignore that for just a second and focus on some other reasons you might have decided to tell me." I wouldn't try to put conditions on his allowance, though. I see them as completely separate issues in his growth and development. But definitely my mom wasn't buying my smokes (and booze) when I was 14 -- and my respect for her would have diminished, if she had. No, I had to scavenge like the rest of my delinquent 14-y/o friends Thankyou for your advice and opinion! He asked he if I would go to the store and buy him a can of scoal with some of his allowance money. Until he gets a job, that is the only source of income he has and he wants me to allow him to do it because he says he doesn't want to sneak around and do it anymore. He told me himself he is going to do it reguardless.
Green Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 If its your step son and the father said he could buy it himself just stay out of it. I wouldnt buy him any of this stuff, and maybe you should make it a condition of the allowance that he has to stop. Why should allowance money fund this crap. Instead of stopping allowance you could use the money to buy a special steak dinner once a week or some other treat he likes that way he still gets something cool each week but he cant spend it toward his bad habbits.
Author jj2007 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 It's definitely straight to the point and most likely the best advice anyone could give you in this situation. But I smoked when I was a teenager in spite of the fact neither of my parents ever smoked (well my dad smoked when he was in his early 20s but whatever). (Mostly other people's cigarette or I would 'chip in' on a pack). My parents had the 'at least we know where it's coming from' attitude with alcool when my sister and I were teenagers and it helped us learn to drink responsibly (We'd never dare ask for a quart of tequila and a twelvepack). But I think cigarette is a whole other ball game for the simple reason that I don't think there is such a thing as responsible smoking. I agree with his dad. This is a habit he should pay for himself. When I started smoking and told my parents, all they said was: it's your choice. (Eventually my mom told me she was devastated). Turns out I was never a big smoker (I quit last year, definitely). Does he have a regular allowance? What I would do is not change the amount of money you're used to give him or the frequency in which you give him money. He is fourtheen he needs to learn how to be responsible for himself. If he wants to smoke, let him figure out how to budget for it. Yes he has a regular allowance. I don't plan to change anything with the allowance at all. The problem is he wants me to go to the store and buy it for him.
Green Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Yes he has a regular allowance. I don't plan to change anything with the allowance at all. The problem is he wants me to go to the store and buy it for him. just say no
Author jj2007 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 If its your step son and the father said he could buy it himself just stay out of it. I wouldnt buy him any of this stuff, and maybe you should make it a condition of the allowance that he has to stop. Why should allowance money fund this crap. Instead of stopping allowance you could use the money to buy a special steak dinner once a week or some other treat he likes that way he still gets something cool each week but he cant spend it toward his bad habbits. Well, I am an active member in both of my step-sons lives and I have no intention of staying out of it. He gets allowance for doing chores so no I am not going to stop giving him what he earns. I am not comfortable with where that money could be going though. Thanks for your input!
Author jj2007 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 just say no Not only did I say no but I told him that I would be contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
Kamille Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I don't have children so really, I can't put myself in your shoes. But I think I would refuse and explain that you do not want to enable an addiction. I did a bit of research and found this article which you might find helpful: http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/smoking/29740.html And I think KMT raises one good point: you should definitely respect his dad's wishes. Have you talked to his dad about his request? Teenage smoking, and the addiction it usually leads to, is a family issue.
Author jj2007 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) I don't have children so really, I can't put myself in your shoes. But I think I would refuse and explain that you do not want to enable an addiction. I did a bit of research and found this article which you might find helpful: http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/smoking/29740.html And I think KMT raises one good point: you should definitely respect his dad's wishes. Have you talked to his dad about his request? Teenage smoking, and the addiction it usually leads to, is a family issue. Thanks for the link! Very good info! His dad and I have talked about it and we are on the same page thanks:). The reason my step-son came to me first is because he was afraid his dad would yell at him but he smokes too. So I talked to his dad first and then we all talked about it together. His dad said when he gets a job he can buy it but he can't. He will still have to have someone buy it for him. His dad said he is just going to turn his head until his son can get a job. But in the meantime he is stealing butts and lighters from us until he can get his morning dip on the bus. I empty ashtrays like 10 times a day, keep all my lighters put away and he sneaks and finds them. I caught him one day digging a butt out of the garbage can! Edited January 31, 2008 by jj2007
Ronni_W Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) He asked he if I would go to the store and buy him a can of scoal ... He told me himself he is going to do it reguardless. Ah! So... "You are making a decision that you KNOW will negatively affect your health and your social life. You have indicated I have no power over that, and you are right. But I do have power over my own actions, and I cannot in good conscience support this decision you are making for yourself. So please do not ask for my permission or to buy you this stuff - I could only do that if I did NOT love and care about you. (OR: So sorry, but you'll have to scavenge like Ronni and her delinquent friends .) "In any case, you will have to live with the negative consequences, not me. I can't guarantee that I'll be around to listen to you whine about how your romantic life sucks or to drive you to various cancer specialists but for sure I'll give you the best support that I can find within myself at that time." What is great, is not actually having to deal with the situation. Because I know that is the proper sentiment to offer AND I know it just doesn't trip off the tongue quite nicely and precisely when it is your own beloved (step) child standing in front of you. Best of luck, JJ. I guess you could still try to talk about peer pressure and the emotional need that he is hoping this type of behaviour will fill... but kind of don't expect him to get on board with that, either. Sounds like he has his mind made up. If only they know now what we thought we knew then, huh? Edited January 31, 2008 by Ronni_W
Author jj2007 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 Ah! So... "You are making a decision that you KNOW will negatively affect your health and your social life. You have indicated I have no power over that, and you are right. But I do have power over my own actions, and I cannot in good conscience support this decision you are making for yourself. So please do not ask for my permission or to buy you this stuff - I could only do that if I did NOT love and care about you. (OR: So sorry, but you'll have to scavenge like Ronni and her delinquent friends .) "In any case, you will have to live with the negative consequences, not me. I can't guarantee that I'll be around to listen to you whine about how your romantic life sucks or to drive you to various cancer specialists but for sure I'll give you the best support that I can find within myself at that time." What is great, is not actually having to deal with the situation. Because I know that is the proper sentiment to offer AND I know it just doesn't trip off the tongue quite nicely and precisely when it is your own beloved (step) child standing in front of you. Best of luck, JJ. I guess you could still try to talk about peer pressure and the emotional need that he is hoping this type of behaviour will fill...kind of don't expect him to get on board with that, either. Sounds like he has his mind made up. If only they know now what we thought we knew then, huh? Thankyou so much! You have really helped!
Ronni_W Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Thankyou so much! You have really helped! Glad to hear that. Will keep prayers and hopes that you somehow do manage to reach him wherever his common sense lives .
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 You might also drive him to a periodontist or dentist that can show him what dipping for 20 years will do to his teeth and gums as well as bone loss. Dipping doesn't have instant bad effects.. those take 15-20 years to start showing up.. the fixes are very painfull and costly.. Smoking and cancer.. Well we all know the rules.. you smoke you die, or you die of something smoking related. After watching 2 of my parents die from lung cancer I can tell you that it wasn't worth it for them.. Neither of them got to see any of their 8 grandchildren born and they died at age 50 and 59.
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 What do you guys think? Advice? Thoughts? Thanks in advance! Do you have any Cop friends? Or do you know someone who knows a Cop well? Here's an idea...(Or ask a friend, someone who your son doesn't know to dress up like a Cop) or get a real Cop to bust your son smoking. Scare the crap out of him! They can cuff him and put him in the back of the squad car, drag him down to the Police Station. THAT experience would hopefully put him off smoking as he's only 14.
Author jj2007 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 I want to thank everyone who has replied so far! You have all helped a great deal! And thanks again ronni_w! When I got home from work last night I told him that he is making a decision that is going to alter and even shorten his life and that I know I cannot stop him but I am not going to contribute or be a part of something that has profound negative effects on his health and well being. I told him that I love and care for him too much to have any part of it. He said, "so I guess I will just have to get it however I can." I told him that was his choice but not to come to me when he tries out for football and can't even get halfway down the field and not be able to breathe. Or when your lip rots off. And as with any smoker or dipper, you know what can happen to your health and you will be responsible for the consequences. He just smiled sheepishly. WWIU: I do have a friend that is a cop and I am going to look into what you suggested! Thanks!
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 WWIU: I do have a friend that is a cop and I am going to look into what you suggested! Thanks! You're welcome. I have a friend who's son started playing with matches. Anyway, he didn't burn down the house, but he did burn part of the curtain in his bedroom. I helped her arrang for the fire department to come have a visit with him, show him a video tape (very graphic might I add) of what can happen when a fire gets out of control. Then, afew of the firefighters sat down and talked to him. It worked! Since then, the kid hasn't played with matches.
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I told him that was his choice but not to come to me when he tries out for football and can't even get halfway down the field and not be able to breathe. Or when your lip rots off. And as with any smoker or dipper, you know what can happen to your health and you will be responsible for the consequences. You know what? He'll understand conquences. Don't let him try out for football. He said, "so I guess I will just have to get it however I can." He just smiled sheepishly. He doesn't care. And, he also can't project into the future or understand how choosing to dip and smoke WILL affect him later in life.
blind_otter Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I started smoking when I was 14. My Dad caught me (found my pack of cigs) and put them out on the kitchen table. I said, "I'll quit when you do." Well, he died of lung cancer in 2006. He didn't quit until he was physically unable to smoke. I quit when he died....
Author jj2007 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 You're welcome. I have a friend who's son started playing with matches. Anyway, he didn't burn down the house, but he did burn part of the curtain in his bedroom. I helped her arrang for the fire department to come have a visit with him, show him a video tape (very graphic might I add) of what can happen when a fire gets out of control. Then, afew of the firefighters sat down and talked to him. It worked! Since then, the kid hasn't played with matches. That is another thing I worry about. I walked by his bedroom the other night and I could smell smoke so I stuck my head in the door and before I could even say anything he saw me and threw the butt on the FLOOR AND STARTED STOMPING IT OUT! I said "OMG! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You could have burnt the house down!!":eek: He said, "sorry" and layed back down on the bed and pulled the covers up over him. That's why now I am going to keep one lighter and one lighter only at a time and it is going to be on me at all times. But that doesn't mean he can't get one from his buddies at school. I think this is part of what is giving me grey hair. "sigh"
Author jj2007 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 I started smoking when I was 14. My Dad caught me (found my pack of cigs) and put them out on the kitchen table. I said, "I'll quit when you do." Well, he died of lung cancer in 2006. He didn't quit until he was physically unable to smoke. I quit when he died.... I am so sorry to hear about your dad:( I plan to quit. It's just hard.
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