optima90 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 My girlfriend and I have been dating for 11 years now, few months ago (October) she asked me if we can get married in March this year, I was happy and agreed to her request, as we are getting closer the date we agreed on, I started feeling uncomfortable and felt like couldn't get married to her and my mind completely rejected the idea,despite the fact that I love here so so much, so I didn't know what to do any more, until Three days ago I had no choice but to tell her to cancell the marriage plans for the time being (March) and make it for later dates, may be couple of months later. Since I said that, She told me that if we don't get married in March, she will leave me and doesn't want to know anything to do with me anymore. So i tried to convince her, but couldn't, she immediately asked me to leave and not to get in touch with her at all and that she doesn't love me anymore and don't want to know anything about me. I had no choice but to leave. Few minutes later I felt that I lost something very important in my life, since then I feel very depressed,sad,lost and can't concentrate on nothing. I miss her like crazy, I started remembering all the nice time we had during the past years, I just miss her so much. I called her this morning and asked if I can see her for a while and talk to her, she rejected my offer and told me to leave her alone and that she no longer love me or miss me at all, and asked me not to call her again and to forget about her. I feel so confused, don't know what to do, we loved each other so so much ,don't know how things can change in minutes. I wonder if she means what she says or just because she's angry with me? I will do anything to get her back because I miss her like crazy.
MakeLemonade Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 It sounds like she is just angry, she obviously was very hurt by you wanting to move the wedding date back and probably felt you were just delaying the inevitable, that you would eventually break up with her and were just trying to let her down easy, asking to postpone the plans. So she beat you to the punch. If you would really do anything to get her back, I would suggest writing her a letter if she won't talk to you or see you and agree to the wedding date you already had. HOWEVER, if she is going to turn around and say she doesn't love you anymore and doesn't miss you either, when all you did was have what a lot of guys (and girls) have when they are going to get married, cold feet. Well then, you may want to think about whether you want to marry someone so reactive and punitive. She could have tried to talk to you about your fears, about your relationship and about her fears as well and be more rational about the whole thing. She also sounds like she could be one of those types that can turn her emotions on and off like a switch. In my experience these people have serious emotional issues and bury things in order to facilitate the turning off portion of the switch and those problems don't go away, they fester and rear their heads later in other ways. I would see what everyone else thinks, I certainly don't have all the answers but before you grovel, at least consider her blunt and punitive reaction to your request and imagine her reacting that way with other important issues in your lives. It's not about the wedding day, it's about the relationship and how well that will work for the rest of your lives together. Did you two argue about other important issues in your relationship? How did she react in those situations? Weigh it all in your head and I am sure you will come up with what is best for you.
Ronni_W Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 From the outside looking in, I would say that she is likely still in 'shock-deep grief-survival' mode and has not yet reached a place where she can really assess the situation with a cool and logical head. I really don't believe it is possible, after 11 years together and less than 3 months before my marriage, to fall completely out of love and to not miss my ex-future husband at all -- a mind might want to think like that, but a heart would have a difficult time feeling it. But I really do believe it is possible to feel incredibly betrayed and absolutely devastated, though. I would wait a week or two before contacting her -- she just needs time to let it all settle somewhere. Think in terms of her having received news of the sudden, painful, horrible death of someone she holds most dear and cherishes the best of all. Allow her to find comfort from others right now. Do not allow your own pain and guilt to hurt her even more and push her even further away. In the meantime, undertake to find out everything you can about how you let your own fears and irrational thoughts overtake your love for this woman. What might be the basis for your fears? Is it a reasonable basis? This is your responsibility to uncover, maybe with the help of a professional. Your ex-future wife is not your therapist. Find your own answers and then pray for an opportunity to have her hear you explain your thoughts and behaviour, and how you have resolved your inner conflicts that led to this most unfortunate of circumstances. I hope that she will also come to her senses, and that you both shall live a long and happy life together.
Lucky555 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 First of all 11 YEARS and if your in the US living with the woman 7 years is already MARRIAGE! What are your issues! If i were her i would move on to someone who wants to MOVE FORWARD in life. Its not a death sentence its a NEW BEGINNING and more happiness. I feel for her i really do. Dont contact her if you are not going to keep the date. I have seen this many times the guy just wont move his feet and you know what she must be a great woman if you have stayed with her this long! Figure out your issues first with marriage. Setting the date back will not fix your uneasiness. See a therapist if its that bad. She wants to move forward and she has waited long enough don't u think! Until you figure out what it is you want then don't contact her let her find happiness elsewhere. Do you ever want to be married? What do you want out of life? find these questions within yourself
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