Prim&proper Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 My bf and I have been together for almost 3 months, and he hasn't told me he loves me yet. I told him at the 2.5 month mark and he didn't say anything. How long does it take before someone falls in love. It is very important to me to know that he loves me and will be a dealbreaker if he doesn't tell me. So the question is how long do I wait? He also doesn't call me any terms of endearment or pet names either.
backspn Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Does he have any past relationship issues? How does he act on dates? Is he dating others? You guys dont sound like you're exclusive. He might just be afraid of being hurt and has his wall up. My SO and I had pet names for each other after 3 weeks.
Author Prim&proper Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 No we are exclusive. He's not seeing anyone else. I see him about 5 nights a week and we talk every day. He is very attentive on dates and treats me well. He doesn't have any past relationship issues either, except that he was bullied for a long time as a kid. So what gives? How long should I wait?
sunshinegirl Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 It sounds like what you really want is to know he loves you. I understand that hearing the words is special and most of us like to hear it (some more often than others). But a couple of thoughts: --You've only been together for 3 months! That's not that long...it always took me 5-6 months to know whether I loved the person I was dating. Plus, people are often a little bit 'off' from each other in terms of when they fall in love. Is it a dealbreaker for you rightnowtoday if he can't say ILY, or do you mean something longer term - like if you don't hear it in the first year you are together, you'll leave the rship? --Does your BF express affection through other things - acts of service, gifts, time spent with you, physical touch, etc? If so, why is that not enough for you? For what it's worth, my boyfriend is not emotive at all. But I have no doubt at all that he loves me, because he telegraphs it through everything he does and the way he is with me. And I'd rather have that any day than empty words that aren't backed up with action.
climbergirl Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 My guess is that he does love you, but saying it is kind of scary. Brings with it a whole new dimension to the relationship. I equate it to men bring up the 'M' word. They may want to or think about it, but vocalizing it may rock the boat in an otherwise perfect relationship. If you can for now, accept his actions as his way of saying it.
spookie Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Words don't mean s!ht. For one thing, what does to love someone even mean? IMO it's in the way you treat them... that's the only thing that matters. If he is loving in his actions, that is so much more important than three over-worn words. I've had bf's tell me they love me only to betray me when I needed them most. Now I'm wary of equating words with commitment. If your bf treats you well, I don't think you have anything to worry about. And three months isn't that long yet, either. IMO it takes a lot longer than that to really love someone.
Author Prim&proper Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 Thank you all for your replies. I agree with you that words mean nothing if they are not backed by actions. But doesn't action not backed up by words make you wonder whether he really does love you. Also, why can't you have both and not just one or the other. I guess he treats me well, but how do i know he's not just a good guy who treats everyone (including all his other past relationships) well. I think without the words, you are always wondering and it's really just a guessing game. You can equate actions to a certain feelings, but without the words, you can never know for sure.
bridget Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Actions do speak louder than words, I agree absolutely on that. It's nice to hear those longed-for words but they pale in comparison to knowing that you are loved. That's what counts. I find it hard to say those words when I'm not 100% sure and I've never said it after 2.5 months - even when I have felt it. It takes some longer than others but it didn't mean I didn't deeply care for and (in some instances) love the person concerned. But yeah, it's a very short period of time and I'd hazard a guess that he's just not ready to say the words yet. I think that's pretty rational really, and better than the other scenario... he says the words because you have and thus builds the foundations of your love entirely on the smoke he's blowing up your arse. Not very stable and not very desirable. Give it time, enjoy the relationship. Say what you feel and accept the way he feels and what he feels comfortable with saying at the moment. The words will come, don't start thinking negatively about your relationship solely because you haven't heard a particular phrase from your boyfriend yet. Have fun, enjoy each other. While they obviously supplement each other wholly, the feeling of loving someone is even better than hearing those words. Maybe that's just me. Anyway, don't fret... it's early days! As for pet names, some people just don't go in for them. I never have, and neither have most of my boyfriends. Doesn't mean a thing.
4givrnt4gtr Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I agree that actions speak louder than words. I had a bf once that said he loved me 3 weeks into our dating...he dumped me 2 weeks later. My current bf hasnt said it, even after 8 months but, as he himself says it, he shows it. Just with the way he looks at me or the way he hugs me and treats me in general might as well be screaming it from the top of a mountain (god im cheesy) ANYWAY, i say look more as to how he acts with you, does he listen to you when you have a problem? does he stop doing irritating things when you ask him to? Does he introduce you to friends and family? If so what do they say about how he feels about you? Bassically, you want a relationship were those three words become redundant based on how the whole relationship is going anyway.
4givrnt4gtr Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I guess he treats me well, but how do i know he's not just a good guy who treats everyone (including all his other past relationships) well. I think without the words, you are always wondering and it's really just a guessing game. You can equate actions to a certain feelings, but without the words, you can never know for sure. Thats when time comes into play. The more ur with him the more ull know if he's just nice to everyone or if he's treating u specially nice. I think u know a man loves u when he starts putting u before his wants. When he does whatever it takes to make you happy and calm your fears (specially the "do you love me" fears). TO be honest i dont think he loves you RIGHT NOW as it is waaaayyy too soon. But stick it out, HAVE FUN and enjoy being together. Slowly he'll figure out what a great chick u are, and he will have nowhere to go but to fall in love with u be patient, and it'll pay off Promise
Pirouette Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 For me, both words and actions are important. Treating me well had to start right away, but the words I could wait for. My boyfriend and I didn't exchange the words until around the 7 month mark, and that was perfectly fine with me. If we were going to say them, I wanted us to be fairly sure that it was right and not just the infatuation of the moment.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 There isnt a set time on how long to wait. Would you rather that he tell you he loves you back and not mean it? Give him some time and let him say it on his own. But dont pressure him to tell you. As far as if not calling you pet names have you told him that it bothers you that he doesnt?
reliance Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I havent read the other posters comments but it maybe a bit soon for him. There isnt a time frame for how long to fall in love. Some people fall in love quicker than others. But the fact that he isnt even calling you pet names is a bit worrying.
Starry-eyed Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 I agree that actions speak louder than words. I had a bf once that said he loved me 3 weeks into our dating...he dumped me 2 weeks later. My current bf hasnt said it, even after 8 months but, as he himself says it, he shows it. Just with the way he looks at me or the way he hugs me and treats me in general might as well be screaming it from the top of a mountain (god im cheesy) ANYWAY, i say look more as to how he acts with you, does he listen to you when you have a problem? does he stop doing irritating things when you ask him to? Does he introduce you to friends and family? If so what do they say about how he feels about you? Bassically, you want a relationship were those three words become redundant based on how the whole relationship is going anyway. 4given4get, that kinda sounds like my relationship! My bf and I have been together/dating for about 9 months, and neither of us has said it. But I'm pretty sure he does love me because of his actions and, like yours, the way he hugs me, the way he holds me. And although I would like to hear those words (I'm a word person!), I try to appreciate his actions and all the ways he shows me that he cares and, I think, loves me. P&P, it's different for every relationship. Maybe he wants to take things slowly and be sure about his feelings before saying anything. Patience is what is required, and I know how hard that can be. Hang in there and give it time.
Cad Rake Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 So what gives? How long should I wait? "I love you" should be said within 122 days of first meeting but no sooner than 53 days of first meeting and should be said at 9:45 PM local time with a slight trembling to the voice after which the other party should pause for 2.5 seconds and respond, in a key slightly higher and also with a slight trembling of the voice, "I love you too," and thereafter the two should embrace for 15 seconds. If it happens any way other than the above you can be assured that there's something very wrong with the relationship and it should be ended immediately.
Author Prim&proper Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 "I love you" should be said within 122 days of first meeting but no sooner than 53 days of first meeting and should be said at 9:45 PM local time with a slight trembling to the voice after which the other party should pause for 2.5 seconds and respond, in a key slightly higher and also with a slight trembling of the voice, "I love you too," and thereafter the two should embrace for 15 seconds. If it happens any way other than the above you can be assured that there's something very wrong with the relationship and it should be ended immediately. Thanks for your sarcastic and totally unhelpful post. I'm not saying that there is a formula for when this should happen. I'm just wondering at what point should I walk away. Keep in mind, I'm not 16. I'm in my early 30s and would at some point would like to start a family.
BlueHaiku Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Not to be a stinker, but can you really love someone that soon in a relationship? I know it feels like the sun and moon revolve around him or her, like he or she is the only thing you can think of from the moment you wake to the moment you go to sleep, like everything in your life was all leading up to just this moment of pure absolute adoration. But that's not love. Love is that which grows slowly over time and over knowing more and more about the person you are with. Love can come only after discovering and struggling through the inevitible problems that arise in every relationship. Love can only come after the hurt, in spite of the fights, and with full knowledge of the dissapointments that will always be there. Life is long - if you want a long relationship, be patient and give him, and it, time. If he treats you poorly, though, move on. Good luck! BlueHaiku
dutchie Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I agree with many of the posters. My bf and I have been dating for 4 1/2 yrs. I said ILY around 1 yr and he didn't say it for a whole year later!!! Trust me, I know how you feel,you want to hear it back, but the others are right. If he treats you well, then that should be good enough, especially after only 3 months or so. I think if you really do love him, you will give him longer than 3 months to say ILY. And I am also not 16, if it matters to you, I am close to your age bracket... hang in there, sister!
Author Prim&proper Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Hi everyone, Thanks again all of you for your input and words of encouragement. So as a way to close the chapter, we had a long talk yesterday and he tells me's been thinking about the relationship as well. He feels at this point-- 4 months-- he should be developing feelings of being in love but he hasn't. He loves me but doesn't feel that he's in love with me (a bit cliche, I know). So I got what I needed to know, which is an answer. I think it's safe to say I was beginning to develop women's intuition about this and that's why the whole issue was bugging me. Though a breakup is painful, this way at least I have an answer and can move on.
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