Hoosier07 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 This is my first post on this site and was hoping to get some advice. I will try and make this as short as I can. I started dating a girl who was just getting out of her marriage about two years ago. Her ex was part of the social group that we are all apart of. She has had a hard time with the divorce (which was final about one year ago) up until this day. Our relationship has had its bumps in the road mainly due to the fact that she is having a rough time. She takes every little sign that he gives her and turns it into a reconciliation. They have hooked up on occasion for sex but he in turn ignores her afterwards for weeks at a time. Over the past 6 months or so this has come to and end. I am patient with this because I have been in the same situation and done the same things with my ex. When things are going good they are good!! It just seems like that after a few weeks of the good times she feels that she is getting to close to me and pushes back. Then after a few days or so we go right back to each other and start the cycle over again. This has happened a hundred times! We have been arguing recently and it is always about the same subject....her asking me to hang out one day and the next she doesnt even act like she knows me. I think the arguments are pushing her away and I dont want to do that because I am in love with this woman! I do believe that after all that has happend in the last two years that she would enjoy having a relationship with me but feels that she cant do so because any chance with her ex would be out the window. Her ex and I had a friendship before. Her statement to me was..."I am not ready to lose total communications with him YET". Bying having a open relationship with me would piss him off and he would not talk to her anymore. I am confused on what to do. She initiates the contact with me but then pushes me aside when she feels us getting to close!! We have never been able to do the breakup thing because after a few days we seem to migrate back together. I am scared that I might be pushing her away with the arguments but have a hard time not saying NO to her when she wants to hang out. I really think deep down she wants this but is afraid!! By the way, we work together two nights a week at the bar and play in a billiards league together once a week with friends. Please any advice would be appreciated!!
Author Hoosier07 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 Little disapoointed I didnt get any feedback to my post. Just looking for a little advice.
Kamille Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I think this one of those post where advice is hard to give because, really, the best advice I can come up with is that you have to decide where your boundaries are and if she crosses them, then you have to leave her. If anyone acted hot and cold with me the way she is acting with you, I would leave and ask the person to get in touch with me once they have sorted themselves out. Maybe this advice doesn't help much, but hopefully other LSers will pick up the ball.
amaysngrace Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I am confused...was she having sex with her exH while you two were dating? Were you having sex with your exW too? She has to let go of her exH before she can move forward. If she isn't willing to move forward then naturally she will push away anything that makes her feel as though she's letting go. Becoming close to you could very well be the thing that scares her about losing her exH. She needs to get over him. And until she does she isn't going to be a good GF to anyone. Don't take it personally. This is about her and is no reflection on you. My advice...push her away too. Break it off and start seeing someone new. Because until she is healthy in her head she will only contaminate any relationship she is in.
Radil Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 My relationship was similar except I don't know her ex. She isn't with him but she was because of financial ties. I would never know day to day if she was with him or not. I know she loves me but I was always sitting around waiting for her to call. Finally I just ended it. It was hard to do but why live in misery ? I doing NC with her because I need to get over her. Being there is just making things hard on you. I was the same. I was always there for her but she wasn't for me. I know it is hard to stay apart bu you have to be strong and just do it or you will continue this mess.
Author Hoosier07 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 Thank you Kamille. Couple other things....how would you handle the work and pool thing. I was supposed to she her tonight but was thinking that I might not show up.
Author Hoosier07 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 She was having sex with him but I tolerated it because I was once in the same situation (a long time ago)! During this time frame I have also dated and been intimate with others but I do love her and want to have a relationship with her. I do agree and she has told friends the same thing about getting over the ex and not being able to have a relationship with anyone. Guess I just need to learn how to say no to her. Thanks all!!
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