Mustang Sally Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 We seem to be running a special on "low libido" or mismatched libido threads lately. Not that there's anything wrong with that.... Hey - I'm all for talking about whatever is on people's minds at any given time. But I have to wonder if much of the time (excluding bona fide medical diagnoses) this low libido-business is really just a kinder, gentler attempt of one partner dancing around the "I'm just not that into you" issue? I mean, really. Sex feels good. It's a happy experience. Or at least, it should be. I can't imagine not wanting to do it - a significant amount of the time - if it was a positive experience. Of course, I could be wrong about that.
Meaplus3 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 We seem to be running a special on "low libido" or mismatched libido threads lately. Not that there's anything wrong with that.... Hey - I'm all for talking about whatever is on people's minds at any given time. But I have to wonder if much of the time (excluding bona fide medical diagnoses) this low libido-business is really just a kinder, gentler attempt of one partner dancing around the "I'm just not that into you" issue? I mean, really. Sex feels good. It's a happy experience. Or at least, it should be. I can't imagine not wanting to do it - a significant amount of the time - if it was a positive experience. Of course, I could be wrong about that. "this low libido-business is really just a kinder, gentler attempt of one partner dancing around the "I'm just not that into you" issue?" I think you right on here Mustang!! AP:)
Storyrider Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 This has been on my mind lately. I wonder why? These things are intertwined for me. I had a lower sex drive in my teens and twenties. When you're not horny, every man hold about the same amount of low sexual interest. Kind of like when you're not hungry, most foods don't excite you. Now that I'm getting close to 40 my sex drive has shot up, and it is crystal clear what turns me on and what doesn't.
Zolie Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 But I have to wonder if much of the time (excluding bona fide medical diagnoses) this low libido-business is really just a kinder, gentler attempt of one partner dancing around the "I'm just not that into you" issue? I agree that is often the case. So many spouses lose the desire they once had for their spouse, for a variety of reasons. They claim - and probably believe - that it is due to low libido. But, put them in a situation with a new OP, and watch out for that libido to wake up! But, in my case, low libido was definitely my ex-husband's situation. He never had the same level of interest in sex that I did, even when we first met, when I was a young, fresh 20 year old. I know he was "into" me and loved me enough to marry me, but didn't have a high sex drive. I don't consider mine high by any means; mine was normal, his was very abnormal.
PandorasBox Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Well I can't speak for others, but for me it was hard to be into my H physically, when I didn't feel much for him emotionally. He never did much to help me connect with him anymore, to feel emotionally attached, so there for the relationship suffered physically too. But it was also his choice NOT to try to at least connect with me on some kind of emotional level, even after counseling and after I told him and showed him how I felt. It ended up resulting in a divorce.
cj1988 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I believe as in my case, when the emotional attachment has been damaged or has faded enough, the drive or want for sex with that person fades as well. I do not think time has anything to do with it, just 2 people that really hold NO real emotional value for each other have low or NO libido anymore ! In other words, MOVE ON like I am and find someone you can have it ALL with again !
sandflea Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I think it's definitely a symptom of a connection starting to cool down. If you're both like "Meh..." - and don't have the spark anymore, it's a real problem. It's vitally important for a relationship to keep the passion alive. It is a connection that you two share that no one else can claim, and it shows that you're willing to try to please your partner - to work at the relationship. When the sex and intimacy go, the relationship is not far behind. Of course, there are other important aspects to being a couple, but if you let that go, you might as well start to pack your bags. 2 cents. SF
cj1988 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I think it's definitely a symptom of a connection starting to cool down. If you're both like "Meh..." - and don't have the spark anymore, it's a real problem. It's vitally important for a relationship to keep the passion alive. It is a connection that you two share that no one else can claim, and it shows that you're willing to try to please your partner - to work at the relationship. When the sex and intimacy go, the relationship is not far behind. Of course, there are other important aspects to being a couple, but if you let that go, you might as well start to pack your bags. 2 cents. SF You are so correct ! When the spark is no longer there the flame will DIE. It took me a while to realize that myself. My H was so into me for years then after his EA, it all changed. Of course he said his love has diminished because of my accusation, but that is BS. We were having issues right after the EA started and have since then. So, I see now that when he was mad about me for 11 years he wanted me like no other, I was not so into him.....well now we have reversed.......bad part, I do not care now either, so I am leaving ! I tried all that I could, but he cannot get over resenting and wondering why I did not want it as much for the years he did and now I do......I have tried to explain it, nothing has changed. I just hope we can split in a civil manner and get a new start. Every one deserves another chance !
Krytie TV Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 But I have to wonder if much of the time (excluding bona fide medical diagnoses) this low libido-business is really just a kinder, gentler attempt of one partner dancing around the "I'm just not that into you" issue? Based on my experience, I will always assume it to be such. If it ever happens again, I will confront the issue head on and try to determine what's wrong in the relationship. I'm with you, I think less sex = problem in almost every single case.
LoveLace Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Sex is a big part of any relationship, if the quality or quantity fades, so does the rest in many cases. The guy I'm seeing now is a guy I met over 2 yrs. ago, the whole thing started as purely sexual and we acknowledged our sexual compatibility right away. We lost touch a few times, but this time around the physical part has lead us to notice chemistry in other ways, too. The physical part has amazingly only managed to get better with time, now we're spending more and more time together and the friendship part of it is growing too. It's starting to make the whole picture more meaningful. We're not rushing it or labeling it, though. Just going with it and we're both happy that way. But if the sexual part fades, it leaves a "friendship" all by itself and romantic feelings would cease. This causes a lot of divorces. But what they say is, if you want to grow old with someone, it'd better be a person you can talk to...cuz sex doesn't happen near as much then, if ever...
Stockalone Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 But I have to wonder if much of the time (excluding bona fide medical diagnoses) this low libido-business is really just a kinder, gentler attempt of one partner dancing around the "I'm just not that into you" issue? I guess that could be the case if we are talking about lost/diminished libido. If the person didn't have a high sex drive to begin with and it stayed the same over time, I don't think the "I'm just not that into you" label is justified. I mean, really. Sex feels good. It's a happy experience. Or at least, it should be. I can't imagine not wanting to do it - a significant amount of the time - if it was a positive experience. Of course, I could be wrong about that. Well, I have a low libido, so I will try to explain how it looks like from that end of the spectrum. It is kind of like eating too much candy. At some point you don't even want to think about eating another candy bar. The same thing goes for sex. If the amount of sex is way above my comfort level, it becomes a chore and my performance (if I am even willing to perform) will definitely show it.
Author Mustang Sally Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 The same thing goes for sex. If the amount of sex is way above my comfort level, it becomes a chore and my performance (if I am even willing to perform) will definitely show it. Thanks, Stockalone, for that perspective. I think it's a very important viewpoint to consider when discussing this topic. I used to think I too, had "low libido." I felt very much in line with what you say above about it being a chore, etc. But I also didn't see it as any sort of problem (or that it should be) or abnormal response. I was in my mid to late twenties when this was occurring. Since then, I've done a lot of work on myself to change those feelings about sex and I can say that I now know that I was never "low libido." I just hadn't figured out how to (allow?) make myself enjoy sex or how to connect with my partners in a way so that it was maximized and truly enjoyable. I had no idea just what I was missing. Are you sure that you don't have a medical condition that is affecting your libido? Or do you really believe that, for lack of a better way to explain what I mean, your brain just isn't hardwired for a more active libido?
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 My libido is in hyperdrive. Really. 4-5 times a day and sometimes that is not enough. So, I guess that means "I'm into everyone?"
Author Mustang Sally Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 LOL, BEB. But actually, no. I don't think it works that way in the reverse. I think it just means that you are comforable with yourself, your sexuality, and you are likely open to a relationship in both arenas - sexual and emotional. Good for you!
Florida Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 We seem to be running a special on "low libido" or mismatched libido threads lately. Not that there's anything wrong with that.... Hey - I'm all for talking about whatever is on people's minds at any given time. But I have to wonder if much of the time (excluding bona fide medical diagnoses) this low libido-business is really just a kinder, gentler attempt of one partner dancing around the "I'm just not that into you" issue? I mean, really. Sex feels good. It's a happy experience. Or at least, it should be. I can't imagine not wanting to do it - a significant amount of the time - if it was a positive experience. Of course, I could be wrong about that. My BF and I used to do it 4 times in 24 hours the 1st few months. And we would spend 4-5 days together. That kind of schedule can't be kept up, I have work to do, so does he, life needs to be tended to. Now we do it once a night when we see eachother. Which is about 2x/weekk. I'm okay with that, I've talked with him and he is too. This thread has me worried. So none of you think that it just naturally stabilizes to less than it was when 1st together? It means something bad? I accept it as the natural progression of a relationship. I'm not talking no sex for a month, just the natural deacceleration of lust to love. How can anyone get anything done, let alone talk, go to work, keep up with friends, pay bills, etc if they still do it 4 times a night every night?
Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 My BF and I used to do it 4 times in 24 hours the 1st few months. And we would spend 4-5 days together. That kind of schedule can't be kept up, I have work to do, so does he, life needs to be tended to. Now we do it once a night when we see eachother. Which is about 2x/weekk. I'm okay with that, I've talked with him and he is too. This thread has me worried. So none of you think that it just naturally stabilizes to less than it was when 1st together? It means something bad? I accept it as the natural progression of a relationship. I'm not talking no sex for a month, just the natural deacceleration of lust to love. How can anyone get anything done, let alone talk, go to work, keep up with friends, pay bills, etc if they still do it 4 times a night every night? I think you're okay, Florida. What you describe sounds to me like the natural progression. But if you find that there are nights you're spending together where you're not having sex (particularly since you're only seeing each other 2x a week), or not as passionate, then you might have a problem.
ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I guess it could be true that it means....im just not that into you... I have always had a high libido..... My ex and I at the begining of our realtionship were at it all the time... After we moved in together it was great for about another 2 years, then things just started to gradually decline until 3 years ago when her father died and it went down to 2,3,4 times a year.... I put up with it and jerked off plenty...... But I guess it just made me pull away slowly (because I felt neglected), which in turn made her pull away slowly..... we had become friends under the same roof basically... mind you that almost every night I would be sweet and slowly make moves on her to see if there was any reaction....none.... And now the **** hit the fan because she left me, she just doesnt feel the same anymore...... Well thank you lovely!.....You neglected me sex, always said your libido was low and werent really into it anymore and there I was in the desert......big big dryspell.... Now more than likely shes getting her kicks regularly with new people who dont even have to put up with her at home..... I feel like there is no justice!!!!! arggghhhhhhhh So yeah, I guess she was just not into me and that could be the case in most situations..... Just my 2cents....
sandflea Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I think there's a natural ebb and flow to sex and intimacy. Having said that, at 12-18 months it starts to be work at some level, and you have to stay "on top" of it (sorry, couldn't resist In my first marriage, we ended up at something like once or twice a week, which was fine for me. It is really important though - because it's a re-connection, a touch and taste and feel that pulls you both back into each other's intimate space. I think you really have to be honest in the sack. Tell your spouse what you want, what you like, what you need. You have every right... SF
cj1988 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 My H problem is if I want it, he is NOT going to give it up as a control mechanism. I was the one with the low libido and now I am getting punished,...fine with me, I am playing with my toys and leaving his tit for tat a-- now ! So, who has the control now LOLOLOLOLOLOL !
Storyrider Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 LOL, BEB. But actually, no. I don't think it works that way in the reverse. I think it just means that you are comforable with yourself, your sexuality, and you are likely open to a relationship in both arenas - sexual and emotional. Good for you! But you're not saying that who your partner is doesn't factor into the equation, are you Mustang? I mean, couldn't there be someone who thinks she has a low libido, but just has never been with a partner who really does it for her, especially if she hasn't had many partners?
Author Mustang Sally Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 But you're not saying that who your partner is doesn't factor into the equation, are you Mustang? I mean, couldn't there be someone who thinks she has a low libido, but just has never been with a partner who really does it for her, especially if she hasn't had many partners? You are right, Story. I am not saying that (1st paragraph). I do agree with what you say in the second paragraph. Definitely.
Stockalone Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 (edited) I used to think I too, had "low libido." I felt very much in line with what you say above about it being a chore, etc. But I also didn't see it as any sort of problem (or that it should be) or abnormal response. I was in my mid to late twenties when this was occurring. Unless it exceeds my comfort level, I have no problem enjoying the sex. And I certainly don't see it as a problem, I am perfectly fine with it and I also think it's not abnormal to have a lower sex drive. Since then, I've done a lot of work on myself to change those feelings about sex and I can say that I now know that I was never "low libido." I just hadn't figured out how to (allow?) make myself enjoy sex or how to connect with my partners in a way so that it was maximized and truly enjoyable. I had no idea just what I was missing. I have no problem enjoying the sex if it's done in moderation. It's just that I have a limit where it no longer is desirable to have more sex because I feel I am not doing it for fun or as a compromise to accommodate the needs of my gf but because I feel forced to. At that point I can't enjoy it anymore. Three times a week is already more than I need but still within my comfort zone and that's usually the average in my relationships. In terms of compromising, I can handle the occasional 3 times a night or the weekend in bed but I can't/won't do that every day. Are you sure that you don't have a medical condition that is affecting your libido? Or do you really believe that, for lack of a better way to explain what I mean, your brain just isn't hardwired for a more active libido? I don't use drugs, I am on no medication and when I had to take psychological tests or had to talk to psychologists in the past, I was always given a clean bill of health. So I go with the hardwired theory, as my sex drive has been constant over the years, regardless of changing exterior factors in my life. Edited February 1, 2008 by Stockalone
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