spookie Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 The other day, my bf asked how I felt about Valentine's Day and mentioned that it will be nice for him not to feel like an outcast for once. I think v-day is a pile of crap, I'm uncomfortable with situations in which I'm expected to behave in a cookie-cutter way, and I already have plans. My best friend and I agreed before bf and I started dating (about a month ago) that we would end our month-long commitment to sobriety on the day with a Guinness-chugging Scrabble competition. I barely see my friend anymore cause we're both really busy and I've really been looking forward to these plans... What do I do???
Ruby Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 You have only been dating for a month but he must feel a bit pushed out to mention that it would be nice not to feel like an outcast so he must have these feelings. Speak to your boyfriend and tell him you had pre arranged plans that were made before you met Valentines day is not the only day of the year you can be romantic so why not try to arrange a romantic day the day before or after?
Nevermind Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 He doesn't have to be an outcast. Can't he join the plans? This way you'll be with your friend and he still gets to be with his girlfriend on valentine's day.
Ronni_W Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 , my bf asked how I felt about Valentine's Day and mentioned that it will be nice for him not to feel like an outcast for once. ... I think v-day is a pile of crap, A lot of people (including me) believe that V-day has become too commercial and just a cash-cow for florists and chocolate manufacturers. OTOH, we do take the opportunity to add an extra candle or give longer back rubs or whatever...we just see it as another "excuse" to celebrate our relationship even though we do that every other day, as well. In this situation, I'd forget that the issue came up due to V-day, and think more about if I'm giving enough attention/respect to my partner's feelings and needs, in general. (It sounds like he feels not, so that could warrant a conversation.) A good compromise may start with inviting him along...and then perhaps not over-indulging in the Guinness -- it depends on the overall message you want to give your b/f, I guess.
tanbark813 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Well you say you think V Day is a pile of crap but at the same time you have plans with your friend specifically on that day. It's still kind of celebrating it. Or more of an anti-celebration. I think you should either reschedule your Guinness chugging for another day, or include your bf in it. I'd be pretty disappointed if a new gf didn't want to spend V Day with me, crap holiday or not.
Author spookie Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 include your bf in it This seems like a reasonable enough option... but the bf has asperger's and doesn't drink, while the best friend is anti-social. I'd feel bad canceling on the best friend because I think it's crappy to put SO's above everyone else the minute you get them. I'd feel bad not spending time with the bf because it seems like it'd be crappy of me to leave him to himself on v-day while I go get wasted with another dude.
tanbark813 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 This seems like a reasonable enough option... but the bf has asperger's and doesn't drink, while the best friend is anti-social. As far as your bf goes, from your posts over the past few weeks it sounds like he basically follows your lead in terms of social interaction.
Author spookie Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 As far as your bf goes, from your posts over the past few weeks it sounds like he basically follows your lead in terms of social interaction. Definitely. And he's been ok with everything we've done (and we've hung out with other people on a number of occasions). Still, I just can't see him enjoying that particular planned activity. But maybe I just feel this way because I keep remembering my ex, who HATED this friend and would give me crap for days after every one of their interactions? I MIGHT be thinking about this with a bias.... BF's expressed a lot of interest in meeting this particular friend of mine, and from the sound of his stories, he doens't mind when other people drink... he just chooses not to. Hm.
serial muse Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 How about spending the night before - and V-day morning! - with your BF, and then the evening with your friend? It's fair to tell him you had long-ago-prearranged plans for that night. Although I have to admit that like Tan, I'd be pretty bummed out if a new BF said that. It would help if he promised to make it up to me and then some, however.
blind_otter Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Just because a holiday has been commercialized by SOME doesn't mean YOU have to do indulge in the commercialization. I mean, I used to think Christmas was a load of crap but I still get with friends/family, eat, and am merry. No drinking. I celebrate V-day as Vagina day - a day to worship my va-jay-jay. In most cases that means a lot of sex. Nowdays that also includes perineal massage (tee hee). While I understand that you promised your friend hang out time....if I were your BF I wouldn't appreciate the fact that you're getting drunk with a guy. I'm just saying.
serial muse Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 OK, I didn't realize your friend was a guy. Maybe it shouldn't matter, but to me it sure would. Edited to add: V-day is a pile of crap, and I'll be pretty ticked off if my current BF doesn't do something with me. What can I say. I also like Disney World, even as I recognize Disney's unholy power over little children and scary attempts at world domination. I scoff at the Kool-Aid and yet I drink it. Eh...I contain multitudes.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Including your BF might not be what your friend expects, either. (You would know better than I how he feels about that.) Is there a way to have something rather intimate with your BF, THEN go chug Guinness and play Scrabble with your friend? It's a Thursday, so that might not be possible, but it's a way yo keep both happy. V-Day in a new relationship is too full of expectations for me. I try to almost avoid it the first year if the R is too new.
Author spookie Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Hm. TBH I'm a little surprised by the majority of the answers. For some reason I thought almost everyone would tell me it would be wrong not to spend v-day with the bf. I think I'm going to tell bf about the pre-arranged plans and extend an invitation. If he isn't interested, I'll try to move the plans up to earlier in teh day, while bf is at work but best friend and I be free, and then try to spend the evening with him. I'll warn him ahead of time that I might be wasted...
Author spookie Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 OK, I didn't realize your friend was a guy. Maybe it shouldn't matter, but to me it sure would. Edited to add: V-day is a pile of crap, and I'll be pretty ticked off if my current BF doesn't do something with me. What can I say. I also like Disney World, even as I recognize Disney's unholy power over little children and scary attempts at world domination. I scoff at the Kool-Aid and yet I drink it. Eh...I contain multitudes. Haha, I'm the same way. I think it's a pile of crap but tbh the reason I am so uncomfortable with just saying that and doing what I feel like is cause I know if roles were reversed, I'd be pissed. The friend is a guy, but he's gay and it is unquestionably a platonic relationship. Always has been, and we've known each other for years.
serial muse Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Hm. TBH I'm a little surprised by the majority of the answers. For some reason I thought almost everyone would tell me it would be wrong not to spend v-day with the bf. I think I'm going to tell bf about the pre-arranged plans and extend an invitation. If he isn't interested, I'll try to move the plans up to earlier in teh day, while bf is at work but best friend and I be free, and then try to spend the evening with him. I'll warn him ahead of time that I might be wasted... So is there any chance you can hang out with your friend Friday instead? I don't know that you should try to spend the evening with him when you already know you're going to be wasted. If he is hurt by you not prioritizing him on V-day, it'll be a bit like adding insult to injury, I'd imagine.
tanbark813 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Whoa, I didn't know someone could be gay and anti-social.
Author spookie Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 So is there any chance you can hang out with your friend Friday instead? I don't know that you should try to spend the evening with him when you already know you're going to be wasted. If he is hurt by you not prioritizing him on V-day, it'll be a bit like adding insult to injury, I'd imagine. I could. But if I were single and had made plans with a friend for a holiday months in advance and then they got a bf and wanted to reschedule, I'd be raging mad. I have friends that go MIA on everyone as soon as they get into relationships and it annoys me to no end. I promised myself after my last relationship fell apart and I found out why my friends were that I would never again become one of those people.
Author spookie Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Including your BF might not be what your friend expects, either. Yah. He wouldn't want him there. We have a very peculiar relationship filled with inside jokes and references and TBH I think a v-day in the form of a social threesome would just be awkward for everyone.
serial muse Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I could. But if I were single and had made plans with a friend for a holiday months in advance and then they got a bf and wanted to reschedule, I'd be raging mad. I have friends that go MIA on everyone as soon as they get into relationships and it annoys me to no end. I promised myself after my last relationship fell apart and I found out why my friends were that I would never again become one of those people. I know, I hear you - but I honestly don't think switching days is the same as going MIA. I know it's the principle of the thing...but it doesn't have to be a big deal, if your friend is willing to bend a bit. He'll probably have to anyway - free time is just less when you have a SO. The most important thing is to make sure your friends know they're important to you.
blind_otter Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Eh, I dunno that it would be a good idea to get wasted and then hang out with the BF. I mean, I don't drink and I find it really irritating and gross to be forced to be around messily drunk people. Buzzed is one thing (although still mildly annoying, I must say...I'm one of those reformed alcoholics who thinks alcohol is worth nothing and nothing good can come of it...) but drunk is just gross. Also - you run to risk of making an ass out of yourself... JMO, take it with a grain of salt.
Author spookie Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Eh, I dunno that it would be a good idea to get wasted and then hang out with the BF. I mean, I don't drink and I find it really irritating and gross to be forced to be around messily drunk people. Buzzed is one thing (although still mildly annoying, I must say...I'm one of those reformed alcoholics who thinks alcohol is worth nothing and nothing good can come of it...) but drunk is just gross. Also - you run to risk of making an ass out of yourself... JMO, take it with a grain of salt. Yah... you're right. I LOVE drunk people but I know others find them annoying. I'm pretty sure my bf is one of them.
Ronni_W Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 But if I were single and had made plans with a friend for a holiday months in advance and then they got a bf and wanted to reschedule, I'd be raging mad. Good point, that I share for the most part. But now you are calling V-day a "holiday", and if it is that, then it is also the holiday that celebrates relationships. I'm not sure that I'd be as raging if my friend was wanting to switch a long-standing date IF it was for Valentine's PLUS they had acquired a romantic partner in the meantime. But really...what do YOU want to do on V-day? Can't go far wrong if you follow your own heart on the matter (rather than just do what Boyfriend wants or to just avoid some potential conflict with Friend, I mean.)
shadowplay Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Wow, you guys are moving fast. I'm glad things are working out for you and this guy (he sounds more emotionally available than I expected). Has he dropped the "L-bomb" yet?
Author spookie Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Good point, that I share for the most part. But now you are calling V-day a "holiday", and if it is that, then it is also the holiday that celebrates relationships. I'm not sure that I'd be as raging if my friend was wanting to switch a long-standing date IF it was for Valentine's PLUS they had acquired a romantic partner in the meantime. But really...what do YOU want to do on V-day? Can't go far wrong if you follow your own heart on the matter (rather than just do what Boyfriend wants or to just avoid some potential conflict with Friend, I mean.) I think it would be FUNNER to spend the day anti-celebrating with my friend. We're best friends for a reason: cause we always have a blast when we're together, and lately my life has been lacking in quality bff time. However, my heart says that it would be more important for the bf to spend time together than for me to do what I want, and R's are about compromise, AND I know I'd have a great time regardless, so.... I think I am definitely going to set aside some QT for him. I think my BFF will understand. We can hang out Wednesday or something (he works as a bartender weekend nights so Friday wouldn't work).
Author spookie Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Wow, you guys are moving fast. I'm glad things are working out for you and this guy (he sounds more emotionally available than I expected). Has he dropped the "L-bomb" yet? No L-bomb yet but I was thinking about it, and I don't think it's even important to me to hear it. In my last relationship, the ex claimed to love me all the time and it really amounted to nothing where it counted. I think I'm going to make a policy of believing in actions, not words.
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