thankful15289 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Hey all, I told my wife this morning that I was having an EA with a woman who had been a friend of mine for a while. She said she knew because of all the time I was spending with the OW. She is pretty hurt but says she is glad I told her so that she knew her feelings were correct. My problem is that she seems to think the OW and I can go back to being just friends. I told her I wasn't going to see the OW any more at all, and I thought she would be happy, but she said she wants me to still be friends with her and that this is okay as long as the EA is over. I don't think she understands that the EA won't be over if I see the OW at all, because we both still have feelings for each other. The only way it can truly be over is if we don't see each other any more. Not sure what to do. Advice is appreciated.
Meaplus3 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Hey all, I told my wife this morning that I was having an EA with a woman who had been a friend of mine for a while. She said she knew because of all the time I was spending with the OW. She is pretty hurt but says she is glad I told her so that she knew her feelings were correct. My problem is that she seems to think the OW and I can go back to being just friends. I told her I wasn't going to see the OW any more at all, and I thought she would be happy, but she said she wants me to still be friends with her and that this is okay as long as the EA is over. I don't think she understands that the EA won't be over if I see the OW at all, because we both still have feelings for each other. The only way it can truly be over is if we don't see each other any more. Not sure what to do. Advice is appreciated. I really must commend you here... as you did the right thing by telling her! Your very right that you and this OW can not be friend's again... not with feeling's.. Why would she even want you to remain friend's with her??...I'm not understanding that! AP:)
jj2007 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I really must commend you here... as you did the right thing by telling her! Your very right that you and this OW can not be friend's again... not with feeling's.. Why would she even want you to remain friend's with her??...I'm not understanding that! AP:) My thoughts exactly. Did you ask her why she felt there was no problem going back to friends considering there were feelings involved that were more than friends and that if given room to let those feelings grow, it could have easily turned into a PA? Does she care? That is just odd to me that she has no problem with you being friends with a woman where the "friends" line has already been crossed? I do think it is great that you came clean but it would worry me about if she even cares or not.
serial muse Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 It may be that she (his wife) is worried about being perceived as "controlling." As in, maybe she'd really prefer that he didn't have any more contact with this woman, but she doesn't want to be in the big bad BS role.
Mustang Sally Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Maybe Serial Muse has something there? I have to say. I'm amazed that your wife is taking the approach that she is. Nevertheless, you appear to know that it's a potentially toxic situation for you to try to "be friends" with this other woman, so I'd say go ahead with your original plan, regardless of whether your wife thinks it's possible/ok for you two to continue to be friends. You know better than anyone what is truly workable for yourself as far as OW is concerned. Good for you for recognizing the situation, talking to your wife about it, and being willing to rectify it and move on.
Owl Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 As a long time poster on this stuff, I'm not the least bit surprised that she said this...at first. She's reeling from the blow, no matter how much she suspected this to begin with. She's on the very first part of a LONG rollercoaster ride from heck! Trust me...her emotions, what she wants...will probably be all over the board to begin with. Expect her to be going crazy by evening, or morning. She's not yet truly 'processed' the truth. This is a common reaction. And...be blunt with her about the need for permanent NC to be in place with OW, regardless if whether your wife feels the need for it or not. YOU need it...'nough said. She'll understand later. Right now, just be ready for the real storm to hit...it WILL.
bentnotbroken Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I agree with Owl, once she has had to process the information, I think her feelings will change.
serial muse Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Not to be all, "me three" but...I think that too. I should have added it earlier. First response when finding out your spouse is looking elsewhere: careful, don't spook him (her) and push him (her) farther away. Second response: royally pissed off. Repeat.
outofdarkness Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Hey all, I told my wife this morning that I was having an EA with a woman who had been a friend of mine for a while. She said she knew because of all the time I was spending with the OW. She is pretty hurt but says she is glad I told her so that she knew her feelings were correct. My problem is that she seems to think the OW and I can go back to being just friends. I told her I wasn't going to see the OW any more at all, and I thought she would be happy, but she said she wants me to still be friends with her and that this is okay as long as the EA is over. I don't think she understands that the EA won't be over if I see the OW at all, because we both still have feelings for each other. The only way it can truly be over is if we don't see each other any more. Not sure what to do. Advice is appreciated. kudos to you!! Now stay the hell away from her. Explain to your W just what you said in your post..I'm certain she would much rather you stay away from her the risk your marriage by continuing the A in any way shape or form. Good Luck!
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Good for you for telling your wife...And I do agree with everyone else, this is the calm before the storm. She will react later and probably have some insecurities and doubts, some questions for you and maybe some accusations of how far the EA went. She needs time to digest and think... What you can do in the meantime is, definately end ANY contact you have with the OW and make sure the OW knows this too. Support and love your wife, let her vent, cry, be angry with you when that time comes.
cj1988 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Good for you! I am so proud to hear some people are still honest about their mistakes and take FULL responsibility. Anyway, two things popped in my head. 1) she is testing you to see how far you will go and how much you care for her 2) she does not want to seem like a b---- right now, but really wants you to stop or she is seeing someone as well and feels guilty !
Author thankful15289 Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 I agree with the calm before the storm theory. I think she initially said we could still be friends to deny that I really have feelings for the OW. I was also surprised she didn't ask more questions. I'm sure the worst is yet to come and I am dreading it, but if it saves my marriage it will be worth it.
Owl Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 There you go! Now...get to a marriage counselor, ASAP!!! Find one that knows how to help couples recover from infidelity...ask them how they go about healing the relationship and "affair proofing" the marriage...make them show you that they have a "plan" for this sort of thing. A good read for you might be "Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs/Her Needs". It'll help you to understand what you're wife is going to go through, it'll show you the steps you need to take to recover your marriage, and it'll help your wife to follow things from YOUR side as well. AND...make darn sure that NC (no contact) is in place with OW...FOREVER!
justice Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 You did a very brave and honest thing in telling your wife. That's something to be proud of. Continue the NC with the OW. It is truly the only way to break away from the situation. As for your wife, I'm sure she's in shock, when it wears off somewhat, her whole perspective will change. You did such a great thing.
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