Cobra_X30 Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Since that talk, she has done a 180. She's loving, attentive and open. This is all very recent so I'm going to go with it as long as her behavior continues as is. She purchased a book about mid life crisis' and has discovered many themes that parallel what she's been experiencing. It's really caused her to do some deep self assessing. I appreciate everyone's advice. I'm going forward with optomisim but I'll always keep one eye open. Hey, I'm super glad she has seen the light! Personally, I would not be satisfied with the whole... "I would be risking too much to live like I'm single." I'd rather hear "I want to be married to you, not really interested in dating around, don't need attention from tons of guys". Despite that she seems to have turned a corner. I'm glad your gamble seems to have payed off.
Author misternoname Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 I should have clarified that...she told from the beginning that she loves me now and always has. She specifically said that she would "never find someone that loves her like me." Her "itch" had nothing to do with finding a better partner. Since the "talk" she has told me "I love you" 100 times more than she has in the recent past. I may sound naive but I really don't think she was looking for love. I think she was trying to deny Father Time and act like she was young and available before she bacame an "old lady." I doubt her thoughts are that unusual. I guess everyone handles it differently.
Lizzie60 Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I say go for it.. what have you got to lose? If you say no, she will seek out PA anyway.. if you say yes, you could be both happy with it. Who knows, she might get tired of it once she 'tastes' this new lifestyle. I personally have known a few couples who were living like that... they had clear rules (to be set out BEFORE). They found great frienships like that... For some people it is successful, for others it's not as great... Who knows? maybe you'll love it more than her...
carhill Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I should have clarified that...she told from the beginning that she loves me now and always has. She specifically said that she would "never find someone that loves her like me." Her "itch" had nothing to do with finding a better partner. Since the "talk" she has told me "I love you" 100 times more than she has in the recent past. I may sound naive but I really don't think she was looking for love. I think she was trying to deny Father Time and act like she was young and available before she bacame an "old lady." I doubt her thoughts are that unusual. I guess everyone handles it differently. Update this quote in six months. Basic relationship and personal realities do not change or solidify overnight. I tend to put stock in walking the walk, and over a few hills and valleys BTW, when was the last time you were on a "boys weekend"?
Woggle Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 You have not heard the last from her about this. Just be prepared for her to drop another bomb on you.
MakeLemonade Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 You have not heard the last from her about this. Just be prepared for her to drop another bomb on you. This may be just a bit fatalistic - that's woggle for ya though he certainly does have some wisdom tossed in sometimes with all his gloom and doom. And you know the signs, you haven't known her just a few years, we're talking decades here right? Just keep your eye open and I hope everything works out for you. It sounds like she may really have done some serious soul-searching and has found her love for you again.
Woggle Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 This may be just a bit fatalistic - that's woggle for ya though he certainly does have some wisdom tossed in sometimes with all his gloom and doom. And you know the signs, you haven't known her just a few years, we're talking decades here right? Just keep your eye open and I hope everything works out for you. It sounds like she may really have done some serious soul-searching and has found her love for you again. It's not doom and gloom it's reality. Women like this just don't go away for a few days and then get all the cheating thoughts out of their head. The OP should not be surprised if he finds out his wife is having an affair behind his back. I know how women like this are and this will come up again.
MarriedLife Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 You two just might not be sexually compatible. Not sure if her "itch" will go away. She has that open marriage, swinging lifestyle mindset. In a solid relationship we shouldn't have to use the word "allow". Communication is so key! If you disagree with her exploratory nature, she might feel she's missing out on something and slowly begin to resent you. If you do agree she or YOU could easily have EMOTIONS for that someone else. Perhaps you and your wife should visit a "lifestyle" group and talk to other couples about their experiences. You and your wife should also do some reading on "open marriages", "swinging", "the lifestyle" the pros/cons etc. good luck!
JustBreathe Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 At least she was being honest about wanting to screw around on you. She wants your green light so she doesn't have to feel guilty. Or maybe she knows you would never agree so therefore she can tell herself "I tried" before she does it behind your back again. Do you think she'd be okay if you did it? Honestly? Yeah, she probably did something while she was away. She leaves saying she might never come back and then makes this thorough self-assessment in one weekend and now you are all she wants. She got her ego fix, that's all. On the subject of open marriage, I know a couple that's been married 20 plus years who supposedly have had an open marriage for years. It's slowly fallen apart. She's taken a night job and he works days so they don't see each other much either. It hasn't been good for their marriage, and their kids are totally messed up. I know another woman whose marriage ended in divorce because they tried open marriage. She did it, he did iit, and they both stayed angry. It was a horrible knock down drag out divorce. I think it would be rare for a person not to feel anything when their spouse jumps into bed with someone else. There's my 2 cents.
SoleMate Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Since I only know personally of three of these [open marriages ending in nasty divorce], I still can’t say that it turns out so ugly for everyone who tries it. Maybe open marriage is like shoving potato chips up your nose sideways. You CAN figure out that it would be a bad idea without actually trying it. To anyone who wants their marriage to be and to remain monogamous....do not agree to any kind of open deal. I really doubt your wife wants "just sex". She probably wants a sexy lover who she can fall in love with, and vice versa. Please don't make me tell you how I know this.
TMCM Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 The whole concept of an 'open marriage' is a hoot. In an 'open marriage' it is the wife who 'gets lucky' while the husband lucks out. It is a fact that there are far more men willing to have casual sex than women. From a sexual variety POV, any husband who enthusiastically accepts an open marriage thinking he is going to have the time of his life is a dolt.
TMCM Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 (edited) Let's face it, when it comes to sex we men are the beggars. Edited February 29, 2008 by TMCM
downthatslide Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 You are crazy to even consider this proposition. You should bail on her before she leaves you. This is a prelude to disaster if I've ever seen one. She told you she wants to be with other men and wants to stay married for what, the convinience? Get out of there while you can.
Author misternoname Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 The girls trip was one night with 6 women and the birthday girl's husband as a chaperone. I seriously doubt anything happened with three girls to a room with the husband next door. I appreciate the advice but you don't know me and you don't know her. She has screwed up before but always came clean (as hard as that was to hear, I'm glad I know). Isn't it possible that she had a epiphany and realized that her desires were childish? While on the trip she did discuss all this with her best friend. Her friend told her the whole thing was stupid and that she ran the risk of losing me to someone else. I'm not bragging but I'm a pretty decent looking guy with a very high income. My wife is currently enjoying a very comfortable life style. I seriously doubt I'd have a problem with life 2.0 if it came down to that. Part of our post trip discussion confirmed that she knew there was very little chance of her doing better on the open market. Your doom and gloom assessments are hopefully off base. As far as sexually...we have a very vigorous and good sex life. If I'm wrong than she should win the Academy Award for best actress! Our sex life is far from boring. I don't think the sex end was the issue. I think she's been struggling with the second half of life looming on the horizon. She's very pretty but she is starting to notice a wrinkle here and an extra pound there. I think she was simply looking for affirmation that she's still attractive. We have discussed the "swinger" thing. She's adamently against it leading me to once again believe that it's not about anonymous sex. Granted, I may be a naive knucklehead but I'm going forward with this. I'll repeat...I'm pretty savy. I know what to look for. Hopefully she'll be able to quell this mid life crisis and get on with our lives. If I'm wrong than so be it. At least I tried!
Lizzie60 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Granted, I may be a naive knucklehead but I'm going forward with this. I'll repeat...I'm pretty savy. I know what to look for. Hopefully she'll be able to quell this mid life crisis and get on with our lives. If I'm wrong than so be it. At least I tried Meaning what? that you'll go with the open-marriage concept?
twice_shy Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I think what your wife is doing is positive, she promised you that she would be honest with you and she is doing just that. Ya, its always positive when your SO wants to bone other people. But hey, as long as she's honest about it right?
Author misternoname Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 OK...simple as that huh? How about I try to work on my marriage instead? Too damned many people just give up these days...
twice_shy Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I am a pretty decent guy. Just a hopeless romantic I guess! Well you just solved your own problem with that statement right there. If you are a hopeless romantic, then your wife isn't the person for you. Get a good divorce lawyer. I know you may not want to divorce for whatever reasons, stability of home, financial, family, whatever. Believe me, all of those things ran through my mind before I divorced my wife. Dude, get out now. There is a better life out there for you. A hopeless romantic doesn't need to be married to a cheater.
twice_shy Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 OK...simple as that huh? How about I try to work on my marriage instead? What is there to work on? Unless you are happy with other men's members sliding in and out of your wife. Sorry to say it like that, but I think you need a verbal slap in the face. Your wife wants to f##k other men. If you are fine with that, the by all means, stay married to her.
Lizzie60 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 tst tst tst.. how do we know this won't work.. who are we to tell him what to do or not do.. ONLY he knows what he should opt for.. if he makes a mistake then at least, he'll find out by himself... geeezzzz
Author misternoname Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 Let me clarify...she has since said the open marriage idea was stupid. She has taken it off the table. She apologized for even suggesting it and has stated that she is going to work on US. She admitted that she is experiencing a mid life crisis and is focusing on moving past it. She knows that her recent past ideas are not possible. I don't think it's unreasonable to give her a chance to prove that she really is trying to resolve this. What's the point of bailing now? Another week or month or even a year is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Lizzie60 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Let me clarify...she has since said the open marriage idea was stupid. She has taken it off the table. She apologized for even suggesting it and has stated that she is going to work on US. She admitted that she is experiencing a mid life crisis and is focusing on moving past it. She knows that her recent past ideas are not possible. I don't think it's unreasonable to give her a chance to prove that she really is trying to resolve this. What's the point of bailing now? Another week or month or even a year is nothing in the grand scheme of things. OH OK.. sorry I didn't read the whole thread.. I agree with you.. just wait and see.. work on your M.. who knows maybe it was only a phase.. and she snapped out of it..
carhill Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I don't think it's unreasonable to give her a chance to prove that she really is trying to resolve this. What's the point of bailing now? Another week or month or even a year is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Although I might disagree about the value of time, I would concur that working at a resolution is worthwhile as long as your soul is in it. Be mindful of the soul part, considering your wife's history. Let us know how that first joint therapy session goes
Author misternoname Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 Thank you...at least not EVERYBODY on this discussion board is a total cynic!
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