HilaryQ Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Hello - I have made the most unbelievable mess of things. It was my own decision, no-one held a gun to my head. Bit of background - in a 20 year relationship, not married, no kids but looked after his daughter until she left home for University.When we first met we were both married, both got divorced (although I stayed with my husband for 3 years longer than he stayed with his wife)and have been together since. Although we have been together for a long time we have some BIG problems, and some have been there for day one. I have repeatedly kicked the relationship around to the point of destruction and I don't know why. Here are some of the worst things I have done. 1. After 2 months together we went to a work meeting and I spent the whole day hanging around with an ex and ignoring my new guy. 2. I kept in touch (by phone) with this ex until my partner made me make a choice - ex or him (I chose him) 3. I refused to make a decision about my divorce and leaving my then husband - keeping new guy hanging on for 3 years until I got another ultimatum. 4. After another 5 years we moved to a new area - great - new start, new friends, so what do I do? Start obsessing about an old friend to the point where our relationship is in danger - this time I stopped myself, but not until a month had passed 5. 6 years later we move again - great new jobs for both of us, he finds out about friend (above) and the relationship disintergrates to the point where he is hitting me, I want to leave because of the violence but as it is my fault I stay and try and work it out. 7. Fast forward 4 years (2005) and we are at a stage where we can spend about a week together without him getting angry, we make some new friends and I have an affair with one of them. This time I really did want to leave my partner but the affair ended without him finding out. The other man persuaded me that I should really make it up with my partner and give the relationship another go. Which is what I was doing, but I met the OM just before Christmas and had sex - God knows why, we haven't met and have hardly spoken since. My partner is hurting and is angry. We fight and argue about half the time. Every time I say I will go so he can live the rest of his life in peace he begs me to stay. I stay because I feel guilty and because I am scared of what he will do and say. There is also the issue of my lying. I hated myself when I first met him and told him stuff about myself and my past relationships that were untrue. I pretended things had happened that hadn't and pretended other things hadn't happened that had. Now he is saying that he is sure I had an affair in 2005 - he has no proof, but he nags and nags away at me and he says he will continue to do it until I admit the affair - even if it takes years. I can't admit it - it will hurt him - he will hurt me (last time he beat me up so badly I had a miscarriage) I know I've done wrong - that's not the issue, but what makes me so destructive? I want to be happy but I seem to go out of my way to destroy the relationship every time we get it right. I know I deserve no sympathy here - I've taken an ordinary guy and stolen his life and replaced it with pain, but what am I going to do. Lie more and hope he never finds out or tell him and destroy him. I hate myself, my weaknesses, everything.
trifecta Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 You are worried about your partner, yet you are in obvious pain yourself. This all comes down to what you want to do yourself... The internet is such a place to let it all out. the thing that ****s me is that ...no-one can look you in the eye and GO hey-I am listening. And I mean I am really listening. I do not know what is stopping you from accessing face to face contact with someone you trust or someone you could learn to trust. perhaps that is a question you could ask yourself? tri.max
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Run away from him as quickly as possible.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 and the relationship disintergrates to the point where he is hitting me, I want to leave because of the violence but as it is my fault I stay and try and work it out. I can't admit it - it will hurt him - he will hurt me (last time he beat me up so badly I had a miscarriage) Nothing you've done (and it sounds like you've done plenty ) justifies the domestic violence and physical abuse. Get out and get out now before you're crippled or killed. As Trifecta said, you have a lot of issues that are best addressed through IC. However, none of this can be done while you're in danger. Leave!!! Mr. Lucky
Author HilaryQ Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Thanks for all the fast replies - it's lunchtime here and I'm reading them with tears streaming down my face. I feel so bad - if he finds out he'll just look at me - big eyes, horror, white face, pain .... He's given me 20 years of his life and I've done all this. I talked to him about going to counselling last night but he won't go. I only have here - I probably bore you all to death with my posts :-) Hilary PS is IC internet counselling ????
Cobra_X30 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Thanks for all the fast replies - it's lunchtime here and I'm reading them with tears streaming down my face. I feel so bad - if he finds out he'll just look at me - big eyes, horror, white face, pain .... He's given me 20 years of his life and I've done all this. I talked to him about going to counselling last night but he won't go. I only have here - I probably bore you all to death with my posts :-) Hilary PS is IC internet counselling ???? No, this relationship is destructive. It's killing your self worth, and probably his too. You are obsessing about other men because you want and need to leave the man your with. I know that you are scared to leave. Rightfully so! As dangerous as he is now... he will be twice as bad if you leave. That means you need to plan, and prepare!
Kasan Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Now he is saying that he is sure I had an affair in 2005 - he has no proof, but he nags and nags away at me and he says he will continue to do it until I admit the affair - even if it takes years. I can't admit it - it will hurt him - he will hurt me (last time he beat me up so badly I had a miscarriage) I wonder why this knowledge is so important for your partner? Or is it just another way to inflict pain? Sweetie--you need to get OUT! Make a plan and GET OUT! Can you imagine staying another 20 years with this abusive man? You don't deserve to be beaten, no matter what you have done. It's just unacceptable! I don't know where you are, but I am sure there are shelters and advocates that can help you formulate a plan. I am really afraid for you. Please don't let another day go by without starting the process of leaving.
OceanBlue Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 PS is IC internet counselling ???? IC is Individual Counselling (as opposed to MC = Marriage Counselling) with a professional counselor. Although some of the people on LS are good internet counselors, it's not always very professional...
Elilmomma Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Don't worry you are not alone.... I also am very self-destructive in my relationship, I have done so much to my hubby emotionally, and him to me too. I pushed him away for six years and now that he's had an affair I dont' like it but I asked for it I never really beleived that anyone could ever really love me... But anyway you really need to get out before it's too late I wouldn't tell him a damn thing sweetie don't make it worse for yourself and get out while you can..... please be careful
Recommended Posts