Triarge Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 During my own A I found out from my father that he was seeing another woman. He told me the full story after asking me an odd question about hiding txt messages which caused me to probe further. It was all rather awkward at the time. I admitted to having my own affair and after hearing our mutual situations I dont think either of us were proud to say the least. Back then I wasnt sure how to feel about my dads A. Despite my feelings I was hardly in a place to comment, concidering my own situation. A bit Like the pot calling the kettle black! My own A is well and truely history and my W and myself are far down the recovery route. I feel like I've come out of the dark ages or something and my relationship with my wife is as good as it has ever been. The situation with my dad is now starting to nag at me. It might sound selfish of me to start thinking about it now. (that I've sorted out my own backyard) but I was too involved with my own problems back then to deal with it. My dad has since told me that the A is over. Now I'm 100% sure that even if the PA is over, the EA isnt. I asked my dad to go for a bike ride and after we left my mums house he told me he'd already arranged to meet the OW prior to me ringing. To be honest I felt like a gooseberry us three riding around. So what do I do? I feel bad for my mother but I dont want to betray my dad after he confided in me. Do I just keep my nose out and let things sort themselves out? What if it does all come out and my mum finds out I knew all along. I dont think I'd be able to face her. What do i do?
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Stay out of it! Amen, although I think that staying out of it includes 3-way bike rides. I'd keep the whole thing at a very long arm's length... Mr. Lucky
Owl Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 What do your morals tell you to do? Now that you've been down that road, do you agree that keeping the A going and continuing to hide that from your mom is the right thing to do? Its up to you...the only thing worse (IMHO, obviously) than breaking a promise is keeping a bad one. But its up to you.
outofdarkness Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 During my own A I found out from my father that he was seeing another woman. He told me the full story after asking me an odd question about hiding txt messages which caused me to probe further. It was all rather awkward at the time. I admitted to having my own affair and after hearing our mutual situations I dont think either of us were proud to say the least. Back then I wasnt sure how to feel about my dads A. Despite my feelings I was hardly in a place to comment, concidering my own situation. A bit Like the pot calling the kettle black! My own A is well and truely history and my W and myself are far down the recovery route. I feel like I've come out of the dark ages or something and my relationship with my wife is as good as it has ever been. The situation with my dad is now starting to nag at me. It might sound selfish of me to start thinking about it now. (that I've sorted out my own backyard) but I was too involved with my own problems back then to deal with it. My dad has since told me that the A is over. Now I'm 100% sure that even if the PA is over, the EA isnt. I asked my dad to go for a bike ride and after we left my mums house he told me he'd already arranged to meet the OW prior to me ringing. To be honest I felt like a gooseberry us three riding around. So what do I do? I feel bad for my mother but I dont want to betray my dad after he confided in me. Do I just keep my nose out and let things sort themselves out? What if it does all come out and my mum finds out I knew all along. I dont think I'd be able to face her. What do i do? Concentrate on continuing to work on your won marriage. He is your Father, and I understand why this is bothering you, but he's also a grown man, capable of knowing right from wrong. If you interefere now, it will only serve to dig up painful things for you and put a HUGE strain on your relationship w/ you Father.
angie2443 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 So what do I do? I feel bad for my mother but I dont want to betray my dad after he confided in me. Do I just keep my nose out and let things sort themselves out? What if it does all come out and my mum finds out I knew all along. I dont think I'd be able to face her. What do i do? Your father is not respecting a boundery that should be between you and him. He is your father, not your buddy or confidant. It doesn't matter that you are an adult now, there are some areas that he should not rely on you for your support. Think about it. He is telling you to keep a secret from your mother that is harming your mother. There is a conflict of interest here. He put in the position to either protect him or protect your mother. Her heart will be broken (can't change that now) and she may catch a disease, if she hasn't already. My father did the same to me. He was a serial cheater and told me of all his problems during these affairs and asked me to keep secrets. It took me years before I understand how it was harming me, and years before I had the courage to to tell him to stop. Set bounderies with your dad. Tell him you don't want to hear about his affair and move on with your own life. Good luck.
Ronni_W Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 So what do I do? I feel bad for my mother but I dont want to betray my dad after he confided in me. Do I just keep my nose out and let things sort themselves out? What if it does all come out and my mum finds out I knew all along. I dont think I'd be able to face her. What do i do? Sorry that your Dad's put in this very awkward situation -- top 3 of every child's nightmare, I would imagine. Of course you will get differing opinions as to what to do. It is NOT your responsibility or obligation to "out" your dad and destroy your mom. OTOH, it is also not within your domain to judge/condemn your dad...I would not dwell on trying to figure him out or "help" him end his affair. This really is between your parents -- children (no matter what age) do not have a healthy place in their parents' marriage...just as parents don't have a healthy place in their adult children's relationships. You do not need to take the triangulating that your Dad started any further. It is a maladaptive way of interacting, usually with goals/hopes of misusing the 3rd party as a shield or scapegoat. Your dad put you in this horrible position of knowing something that can/will harm your mother. He acted misguidedly or inappropriately (depending on his personal reasons for telling you.) Should your unfortunate "involvement" get back to your mom, you say to the effect of, "Mom, I chose to give all responsibility for the whole sorry mess back to dad and let him deal with it. It was and is his garbage to clean up." And then just try to support each of them individually, as best you can and want. Good luck -- it is a tough one.
smartgirl Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 There was a thread sometime back on the OW/OM forum about this type of situation. There were a number of us who have been in the situation you are in now and I felt some of the advice was the best that could be had in a horrible situation: o many WS will try to bring a child, grown or not, into the relationship as confidant or in group activities. It is the WS's way of trying to normalize the illicit relationship and feel better by getting the child to collude with them on keeping the secret. That can feel like a form of approval to them and helps them to continue convincing themselves this outside relationship is acceptable in some way. o You must tell your father that you will not be a party to deceiving your own mother - something your father would angry at you for doing were he not involved. That you no longer want him to mention it to you or expose you to this woman again. o That if your mother ever asks you what you know you will not lie to her. It will be hard enough for her if she finds out you knew and didn't tell her. She will feel as though she has been betrayed twice over. o That you are not buddies. He is your father and you have always looked to him to lead the way. It is a disappointment to you know that you are in that position and he is lagging behind. My father and his OWs family got my sister involved in various ways. He has been dead for sometime, but looking back that is one of the things that disgusts me the most -- that he got my sister involved in his filth.
smartgirl Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I had to end abruptly before. I feel badly for your conflict. I know you don't feel on the highest moral ground here, but this is your parents we are talking about! This is your mom. I'm sorry, but that is just a different place and it is so sad that your father is so ga-ga that he couldn't see that for himself. You can't appear to condone this with your dad. I honestly think that in this situation WS look for outside validation that makes them feel that what they are doing is normal or ok. It isn't and you know that. You cleaned up your situation and he should be encouraged to do the same. You don't have to ruin your relationship with him, but you are certainly within your rights to tell him that this is hurting you and troubling you and you don't wish to ever be confronted with it again. I presume he brought you up to respect your mother. You need to remind him of that.
Elilmomma Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I think your dad is wrong for putting you in a sticky situation, he should not have told you let alone have you hanging out with him and the ow that's just plain wrong. Your poor mom is going to feel like she's been betrayed twice over. I say stay out of your dad's mess don't hang out with him and the ow. Your mom will find out what's in the dark always comes to the light. So when it does just be there to support her in her time of need.
Author Triarge Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 Thankyou all for your replies.. It seems like the consensus is to stay out of it and to be honest, from my own perspective, that seems right. Like Smartgirl said, I'm hoping that my own actions and outcome will lead my dad to do the right thing. It does put me in a situation but at least this time its not my fault. There is some thing else too.. My wife is suspicious about the OW in my dads life and has started asking questions about her. It came about because my wife asked me who I'd been out on the bike with. I told her that just my dad and this 'woman' who's a friend of my dads. She asked if my mum knew and I said 'No'. Last night she asked outright if my dad was having an affair and I skirted around the issue but I dont think I was that convincing. I dont want to lie to my wife and I dont want to break the confidence my dad shared either.. Great!
Ronni_W Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) ...my wife asked me who I'd been out on the bike with. I told her that just my dad and this 'woman' who's a friend of my dads. ... Last night she asked outright if my dad was having an affair Just say, "Honey, go ask my dad. Please understand that I cannot talk about this, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings for you, or the respect that I have for our relationship." And "staying out of it" means not mentioning any of dad's 'woman' friends to anyone at all. It is just the burden that your dad has given you, and you either choose to carry it alone or you tell the whole world. You can't do it half-butt, unfortunately. EDIT TO ADD: Well, you could tell a therapist or other professional that offers confidentiality as part of service. And LS forums. But that's about it, really. Don't unload on friends and family members. Edited January 31, 2008 by Ronni_W
hippyvic Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Talking from experience, tell your dad that if he doesn't end it, you will tell your mum and follow it through. tell him how this is putting you in an awkward position and it isn't fair on you.
StillSame Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) I STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH MOST OF YOU You're betraying your own mother, the woman who gave birth to you! How can you live with yourself? Seriously! Staying out of it? Maybe if it's your neighbor, your co-worker whom you're not close to, BUT, it's your own mom! YOU KNOW the affair is not over! You've even hanging out with the two adulterer! What's wrong with you? Is it understandable if your mom divorce your dad after finding out? YES! Is it understandable if your mom disown you after finding out you knew and did not tell her? YES Is it understandable if your dad disown your (or even got mad at you for that matter) if you reveal the truth to your mom? NO! He reveal it to you not for YOUR benefit; it's for HIS OWN DAMN SELFISH benefit. Wake up. Do the right thing...how can you make a fool out of your own mother like that? Whether the affair fully ended or not, you will never know. Give your dad three days to come clean about his past (and possible current affair), and if he doesn't you go tell your mom. This is NOT meant to be easy, but is the ONLY RIGHT thing to do. Reading all those above responses and "advice" ........disgusting! What kind of selfish, self-serving world do we live in? It's his OWN MOTHER for crying out loud! Edited January 31, 2008 by StillSame
NoIDidn't Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 You need to tell your dad that you want to know nothing of this woman and that he should do the same. Let him know that you will be telling your mother. I can't believe the folks that are giving you such bad advice. This is your MOTHER. If my child kept a secret like that from me, it may be the one time that a mother's love fails. I would feel doubly betrayed. AND, there's the fact that you have already lied to your W about this. Is this what you want to become all over again, but this time not even in your own A? Trust me, if you lie to your W about your father's A, she will NEVER trust you again once she finds out. You need to tell your W the truth. Tell your dad its time to stop betraying your mother. And invite your mother over to your home, after telling your W the truth so you can both provide her with some emotional support, and then tell her. Don't keep this secret for your dad. Your mom doesn't need to be betrayed by her own son as well.
StillSame Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH MOST OF YOU (except, NoIDidn't) You're betraying your own mother, the woman who gave birth to you! How can you live with yourself? Seriously! Staying out of it? Maybe if it's your neighbor, your co-worker whom you're not close to, BUT, it's your own mom! YOU KNOW the affair is not over! You've even hanging out with the two adulterer! What's wrong with you? Is it understandable if your mom divorce your dad after finding out? YES! Is it understandable if your mom disown you after finding out you knew and did not tell her? YES Is it understandable if your dad disown your (or even got mad at you for that matter) if you reveal the truth to your mom? NO! He reveal it to you not for YOUR benefit; it's for HIS OWN DAMN SELFISH benefit. Wake up. Do the right thing...how can you make a fool out of your own mother like that? Whether the affair fully ended or not, you will never know. Give your dad three days to come clean about his past (and possible current affair), and if he doesn't you go tell your mom. This is NOT meant to be easy, but is the ONLY RIGHT thing to do. Reading all those above responses and "advice" ........disgusting! What kind of selfish, self-serving world do we live in? It's his OWN MOTHER for crying out loud!
OpenBook Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 It's none of his business, and not his call. And he doesn't know the full situation. (For all he knows, Mom may already be aware of the A... or his Dad may just be blowing smoke, talking off the cuff, etc.) He doesn't know the full truth, nor should he. He should stay out of it. And he should tell Dad in no uncertain terms he's not going to participate in any part of it.
StillSame Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) It's none of his business, and not his call. We draw the line of the meaning of "family" sometimes. Meaning, distant cousins are not your family, etc. But, your mom is definately your family and thus YOUR BUSINESS! If your own family's problem is NOT your business, whose problem is your business? To the original poser....put yourself in your mom's shoes. If your wife told your mom that she meet some guy from work at a motel every Monday and your mom didn't tell you because she didn't want to "upset" your wife or "betray" your wife for confiding in her. Better yet, it was not your mom's "business." How would you feel about your mom? Now, what you did is X times worse than my scenario, because this is your mom, the woman who gave birth to you; you owe it to her! Edited January 31, 2008 by StillSame
NoIDidn't Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 It's none of his business, and not his call. And he doesn't know the full situation. (For all he knows, Mom may already be aware of the A... or his Dad may just be blowing smoke, talking off the cuff, etc.) He doesn't know the full truth, nor should he. He should stay out of it. And he should tell Dad in no uncertain terms he's not going to participate in any part of it. This argument does not hold water. Sorry. So what if she already knows. If he tells her and she already knows, she will know that her son is concerned about her welfare and her treatment at the hands of his father. He went riding with the woman and dad. I am sure he could sense something between them. If it was my mom, I would agonize over when and how to tell her, NOT over whether to tell her. He can tell dad he's not going to be involved, but he needs to tell his mom after that. If he knew and she finds out that he knew and told dad he wanted nothing to do with it, she will wonder why he never told her. Whether he stays involved in his dad's infidelity or not. He should be concerned about his W and his mother. His W senses that something is going on being recently betrayed and trying to reconcile. His lying to her about this will put them back at square one even though its not him having the A. He's already started the lying and covering up for his dad. When will it end?
hippyvic Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Stillsame, I am most offended, if you read my post, i agree with you too!
StillSame Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Stillsame, I am most offended, if you read my post, i agree with you too! I am sorry that you're offended for the fact that I didn't specifically include your name. I said "most" which leave room for some that I do agree with, and the reason I included NoIDidn't is because he/she wrote alot (and you didn't). But, you, NoIDidn't and I are on the same page. I really hope the original poster follow our advice instead of continuing the lies and secrets behind his wife and mom.
smartgirl Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Let's take it down a notch. Yes, this is his mother and his father should have never put him in this position -- but he did. The thing that will be the most effective with his father at this point is for Triarge to illustrate his feelings by refusing to be his father's confidant and letting him know he wants nothing to do with the the situation or the OW. This gets the point across without having to kill his relationship with his father. Getting involved between the middle of your parents is the path to hell. Later they will reconcile and Triarge will become the bad guy. Anyone who has ever gotten in the middle of something like this can tell you that. Triarge - I would tell your wife. You don't want her thinking this is a boy's club thing and that you condone what your father is doing. Let her know how horrible this is for you and let her know that you are trusting her with information that you would not tell a soul -- not even your mother. In my view, that is what spouses are for. Your father has been out in public -- biking for God's sake -- so he clearly isn't being so secretive about this.
Trojan John Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Tell your wife, absolutely. No trust without being completely forthcoming. Tell your father that either he tells your mother, or you will. Anyone who tells you that "it's none of your business" is intentionally ignoring the fact that your father made it your business. Imagine your mother learning about the cheating and your knowledge of it years down the road. How do you think she will feel about being lied to by her husband and son for such a long time? Some of you do not seem to realise that our inaction in situations like these hurts our loved ones moreso than telling them the truth.
NoIDidn't Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Still mulling it over? I know its hard and the words of advice are easy to say, but difficult to implement. I hope you are considering telling your W and your Mother both the truth about the OW and your Dad. In the same situation, I have to say that I wouldn't hesitate to tell my mom if I knew something like this, but that's just me. And my dad knowing that, wouldn't reveal something like that to me anyway. Let us know how you are doing. You are in a tough spot. Hopefully someone said something helpful in the midst of this thread.
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 It was all rather awkward at the time. I admitted to having my own affair and after hearing our mutual situations I dont think either of us were proud to say the least So your dad told you about his affair first? You are in a difficult place. Your dad has put you on the spot. I would be honest and tell your dad you've done some thinking, and since your A is over and your marriage in on the mend - Let him know that it is really bothering you what he is doing to your mom. Tell him YOU feel like you're betraying HER now that you know what he is doing behind her back. You don't have to tell your dad you're going to tell your mom, but with that being said, you don't know how long you can hide such a thing. Your mom knows you and probably will pick up on your uneasiness around her and ask what's up. Talk to your wife, get her input. Though, I'm sure she may want to tell your mom too..
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