freeandlost Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have a 3 and 4 year old together. Thru the marriage he has been an alcoholic and verbally abusive (a few times physically). This past December, after the living room was smashed, I decided to leave. It has now been 64 days and I am going nuts. I know what he did was wrong, and yesterday he was even willing to sign off on custody papers for the kids. Not only willing, but did. We didn't even make it to our court date. He told me he is willing to do anything he can in order to get me back, even if that means working on himself for the next 12 months to prove it "just please don't sleep with anyone else." I told him that I don't want to be with him and I do love him. I also told him that if he ever hoped for reconciliation that he would need to work on himself first. I think that gave him too much hope. My brain tells me run! Run! This is just one of the swings when he is being nice to get what he wants! My heart is telling me this is the man I married and the father of my children and give it time. He hasn't been nice for 2 months straight before - his patience would have worn thin and he would have just given up. Sorry this is so long, I am just so hurt and confused. I know in my mind that is part of the game. Then I even tell myself that the abuse wasn't constant and it never happened to the kids and the kids weren't around when he was drinking, but I know those are all excuses. I really miss the good times and it hurts. I guess I just need to hear that I am making the right choices, because this has had a huge impact on my kids and it hurts every time I look at them. It also makes my heart want to burst with love. Thanks.
mark982 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 if he truely wants you back. he will do a.a. and the 12 steps.only then would i consider giving him another shot.
Author freeandlost Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 Thanks for the response. I think that I am in that part of the breakup where I am scared to be alone and also want what was familiar to me, even if it isn't good. AA is a good point. Thank you. I just have to remember that it is a disease and get some help for my own (obvious) co-dependency. Thanks a lot.
sally4sara Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I was married to an alcoholic for eight years. We had one child together. The problem is he isn't going to be able to HAVE TO work on himself if he is with you. Being with him will keep him from hitting bottom and have no choice but to work it out. He has behaved this way with you and towards you for so long now. Drinking and treating you poorly are both habits he will have to break. Having to do both at the same time will keep either from happening. He will stop drinking for a bit, but his body will be screaming for it. He will get horribly moody and snappish, and with you there as his usual target..... Then he will feel like a failure for being able to treat you poorly and he will really want a drink to numb that. He will get drunk, you'll get mad, he will be a jerk, etc. etc. etc. Yeah. Let him do his thing. I even recommend you give him his request to not sleep with anyone else and work on yourself. If any of the above sounds familiar, you deserve some peace and quite for a while.
Author freeandlost Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Thank you for the post. It all sounds way too familiar. I looked at an apartment today (he considers apartments "the projects") and was furious that I would move his kids into an apartment. It is in the country, so it is a far cry from the projects. Anyway, it made me feel more secure in my decision to leave because it was some of his old behaviours. Odd how that makes me feel better... I think I will be honoring his request for a while...but not for him obviously, for me. Thanks again.
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