Desperate HH Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 After 18 months without sex (and years of issues before that) I told DW - in a counseling session - that celibacy and I don't get along. In discussions and counseling sessions over the next few weeks I let her know: I desperately wanted to make love with her.In any event, I will not take vows of chastity.That I had met another woman, and developed a rapport.When I ended my celibacy, I could tell her, or not. Up to her.Her ultimate response? "Can't blame you, under the circumstances." I was more than a little disappointed. So here I am - certainly not an open marriage, but with at least tacit permission. And I have started "seeing" a local divorced woman, who understands my situation, and says she is OK, and not looking for a serious relationship right now. Anybody have similar experiences? I don't want to lie, and won't if asked directly. But I don't want to rub my wife's face in it, and need to be discrete. I realized that this can get tricky, when, eating dinner with the kids, she asked "and what did YOU do today?" Of course I mumbled about errands, and "went to the gym". But... Thanks for your thoughts, DHH
Bryanp Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I think this will all end up very badly for everyone. I would think about see a lawyer to understand your options. Why do you wish to remain married?
Elilmomma Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 After 18 months without sex (and years of issues before that) I told DW - in a counseling session - that celibacy and I don't get along. In discussions and counseling sessions over the next few weeks I let her know: I desperately wanted to make love with her.In any event, I will not take vows of chastity.That I had met another woman, and developed a rapport.When I ended my celibacy, I could tell her, or not. Up to her.Her ultimate response? "Can't blame you, under the circumstances." I was more than a little disappointed. So here I am - certainly not an open marriage, but with at least tacit permission. And I have started "seeing" a local divorced woman, who understands my situation, and says she is OK, and not looking for a serious relationship right now. Anybody have similar experiences? I don't want to lie, and won't if asked directly. But I don't want to rub my wife's face in it, and need to be discrete. I realized that this can get tricky, when, eating dinner with the kids, she asked "and what did YOU do today?" Of course I mumbled about errands, and "went to the gym". But... Thanks for your thoughts, DHH I told my hubby for a long time to get another girl because of my insecurities and now 3 years later he went and got another woman and now I am feeling all the pain and hurt. I am wrong for not giving him sex for a long time I never wanted to. And I never thought he would acutally do it, and now that he has I am devastated, he says that I take him for granted. I told him that I can't blame him either because of the circumstances I put him under and now I REGRET it!!!!!!!! but we have been together for almost 11 years and have 2 kids together, when we met I was just 19 years old and immature. If you love your wife there is still hope, does she still love you? I think you have to make a decission either work on your marriage or end it?
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I told my hubby for a long time to get another girl because of my insecurities and now 3 years later he went and got another woman and now I am feeling all the pain and hurt. I am wrong for not giving him sex for a long time I never wanted to. And I never thought he would acutally do it, and now that he has I am devastated, he says that I take him for granted. I told him that I can't blame him either because of the circumstances I put him under and now I REGRET it!!!!!!!! but we have been together for almost 11 years and have 2 kids together, when we met I was just 19 years old and immature. If you love your wife there is still hope, does she still love you? I think you have to make a decission either work on your marriage or end it? Why willingly withold sex from your husband? You know that cruel and inhumane treatment! You shouldnt blame him either. Why be locked down into a sexless, lifeless marriage? I understand the kids are there but your spouse has needs you both need to come first. make time for each other. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but you left him with no other real choice, then seperation and / or divorce.
Elilmomma Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 (edited) Why willingly withold sex from your husband? You know that cruel and inhumane treatment! You shouldnt blame him either. Why be locked down into a sexless, lifeless marriage? I understand the kids are there but your spouse has needs you both need to come first. make time for each other. I made my bed and now I am lying in it, do I like it "NO" but I have to accept it and move on, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but you left him with no other real choice, then seperation and / or divorce. we are not separated or getting divorced, I am owning up to my part in this whole mess. I know it's my fault but I am more attracted to him now more than ever to tell you the truth. or maybe I just reached my peak. I made my bed and now I am lying in ti do I like it"NO" but I do have to accept it and move on. either he gives me the chance to make it up to him or we give up!!!! Edited January 30, 2008 by Elilmomma
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 we are not separated or getting divorced, I am owning up to my part in this whole mess. I know it's my fault but I am more attracted to him now more than ever to tell you the truth. or maybe I just reached my peak. I made my bed and now I am lying in ti do I like it"NO" but I do have to accept it and move on. either he gives me the chance to make it up to him or we give up!!!! Whoa, I wasnt accusing you or going at you by what I said. It was just a question I wanted to ask? Damn! defensive much? lol.
Elilmomma Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Whoa, I wasnt accusing you or going at you by what I said. It was just a question I wanted to ask? Damn! defensive much? lol. I'm sorry if I sound defensive.. I was just explaining my situation more so you would understand where I am coming from. I know I made mistakes I am only human you live and learn and grow from your mistakes. my only thing is that he justifies his actions by what I did..... again I am sorry...
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I don't want to lie I sense, from the reluctance in your post, that you already know that what you're proposing isn't practical. You'll have to lie, deceive, obfusticate and sneak around on a regular basis to have an OW on the side - that's what cheaters do. I know from your other posts that your situation has already cost you much - don't let it take your dignity and honor also. You're either married or not - with all that implies - so decide which of those two choices is best for you... Mr. Lucky
Author Desperate HH Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Bryan, Yes, I know it looks like a train wreck is on the way. But it seems to me like it's been deferred a bit by the affair. I have gained confidence and self-esteem, and no longer obsess over my wife, and my desire to be intimate with her. (I know, this sounds warped, but her chief complaint was that I wouldn't leave her alone.) We can live comfortably as roommates (she is sharing a room with one of the kids) without constant fighting. Will this work, for the long term? Probably not. I have had an initial consultation with a lawyer, and am acting accordingly. And DW and I have had discussions of what we would want a separation/divorce to look like. As to sneaking around, Mr. L, I have no intention of going out of my way to hide things from DW. But I won't rub her nose in it, or tell her outright if she doesn't ask. The children, neighbors, families don't need to know, so there will be some deception there. I think this is a way for me to salvage my dignity. I have done enough begging. As to honor, I don't know. <shrug> DHH
Mz. Pixie Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Why willingly withold sex from your husband? You know that cruel and inhumane treatment! You shouldnt blame him either. Why be locked down into a sexless, lifeless marriage? Hmmmm, let me ask you a question? If the OP was a woman and on here stating how she decided to have an affair because her H wouldn't meet her emotional needs- who would you side with??
angie2443 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Most women want and enjoy sex. So, when I read these threads about the wife/husband suddenly not wanting sex, it makes me wonder what's really going on. What has happened to your wife that she doesn't want to be physical with you anymore? Is there a physical reason for this? Maybe a doctor could help. Does she resent you for something? Sex is rarely enjoyable with someone that has hurt you and someone you don't trust. Did you stop foreplay after bieng with your wife for a while? Many men do. Women usually need time to warm up (I think 10 minutes is the average, but don't remember where I read this). I'm not trying to accuse you of any of this, I'm just currious as to what's going on. I feel like a lot of pieces to the puzzle are missing.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Hmmmm, let me ask you a question? If the OP was a woman and on here stating how she decided to have an affair because her H wouldn't meet her emotional needs- who would you side with?? Well, you just spelled out my situation. So, I would side with the person who's needs are not being met. BS's never like to admit that they are part of the problem, but the courts know that it takes two to break a marriage. That infidelity is a symptom of a bad marriage not the cause. OP- What state do you live in? Things have changed in some states in the past few years. Know your options.
Micke81 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 If you want to stay in your marriage, be very careful about falling in love. I had a relationship with my H knowledge...and I fell in love. It's killing me.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 In discussions and counseling sessions over the next few weeks I let her know: I desperately wanted to make love with her.In any event, I will not take vows of chastity.That I had met another woman, and developed a rapport.When I ended my celibacy, I could tell her, or not. Up to her.Her ultimate response? "Can't blame you, under the circumstances." I was more than a little disappointed. I really doubt that she means it! You absolutely have to let her know exactly what your about to do before you do it! I have this feeling that if you decided to divorce... to leave your wife, she suddenly will find you much more attractive. That's the way most women are to a certain degree! Well, you just spelled out my situation. So, I would side with the person who's needs are not being met. BS's never like to admit that they are part of the problem, but the courts know that it takes two to break a marriage. That infidelity is a symptom of a bad marriage not the cause. Well, perhaps your cause of your H's problem? Maybe your actions, or inactions are the reason he seems to not be living up to your requirements. I'd suggest growing a spinal chord and getting upfront and honest.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 We are now liquidating our assets and I will probably file for divorce in a week or so. Ignore my above statement! You seem to have spinal chord to spare.
angie2443 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Well, you just spelled out my situation. So, I would side with the person who's needs are not being met. BS's never like to admit that they are part of the problem, but the courts know that it takes two to break a marriage. That infidelity is a symptom of a bad marriage not the cause. OP- What state do you live in? Things have changed in some states in the past few years. Know your options. There are three sides to every story. I'm curious, what's your husband's side. Did you with hold something from him? Why didn't you just tell him what you were feeling? You could have divorced him if he refused to work with you on things. You really didn't have to cheat.
Zolie Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 DHH, there is a third person in this equation, whose feelings matter, and that is the OW. She may say, and even believe, that she doesn't mind that you are still married, but deep down, chances are she hopes and believes you might leave your wife one day. She will probably deny it (even to herself) if you asked her, but like I said, chances are those thoughts are buried there somewhere. There are some single women who date married men on purpose because they don't want a confining, serious relationship. They are simply content to date their MM as is. All well and good, but IMO, those kinds of arrangements are very, very rare. Most OWs seeing a MM will and do fall in love and want more from their MM, eventually. That's when the trouble starts. So, it's not just your wife's and your feelings that matter here. Consider the possible ramifications to the OW, also.
Author Desperate HH Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 (edited) Most women want and enjoy sex. So, when I read these threads about the wife/husband suddenly not wanting sex, it makes me wonder what's really going on. <snip> I feel like a lot of pieces to the puzzle are missing. I didn't include a lot of the background; as you might imagine, there is a long story, with plenty of blame to spread around. It wasn't a sudden thing; she has always had the lower libido, looking for sex once or twice a month. But it got real contentious about 4 years ago, just after I ran over the cat, and she had started getting into shape, dressing and looking sexier (and all the other classic signs of an affair...) In discussions and counseling sessions over the next few weeks I let her know:I desperately wanted to make love with her.In any event, I will not take vows of chastity.That I had met another woman, and developed a rapport.When I ended my celibacy, I could tell her, or not. Up to her.Her ultimate response? "Can't blame you, under the circumstances." I was more than a little disappointed. I really doubt that she means it! You absolutely have to let her know exactly what your about to do before you do it! I have this feeling that if you decided to divorce... to leave your wife, she suddenly will find you much more attractive. That's the way most women are to a certain degree! We'll see. In the meantime, I don't know how much clearer I could be about my intentions. Zolie, yes I am aware of this, and she knows exactly what the situation is. I am not a complete jerk, and know that in the end 1 or 2 or 3 people will probably hurt, and OW is the only "innocent" one (OK, innocent may not be the best description of this wild woman!) DHH Edited January 30, 2008 by Desperate HH
Mustang Sally Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Ok. Look. I'm just going to be plainspoken and honest here. Desperate - What you are proposing here is just not dignified or justified, in my opinion. And I am one who - similar to BEB - is unsatisfied in my marriage, and has considered going outside of it, so I can certainly understand what you're talking about there. BUT. At the end of the day? It's just not an honest way to live. And it's no way to have any sort of healthy relationship (either with your wife OR the OW). If this - THIS - is what you are reduced to (and again - please know that I UNDERSTAND the difficulty you are having in your marriage and I really do feel for you), then I just cannot understand why you would stay in that relationship with your wife. Regardless of all the old stand-by excuses that people make: kids/social standing/economics/religious implications and all. She is either going to HONOR her commitment to you and your marriage, or she is not. Why are you letting her poor approach (and devaluing-of-you behavior) lower you to the basest of standards? If she cannot honor you by working on her obviously significant contribution to the downfall of your marriage, then she has broken her vows and you should end the marriage before you seek satisfaction elsewhere. Whether you have her implied or explicit permission or not, YOU are worthy of more than this poor-attempt-at-a-fix-for-your-sad-marital-situation will afford you and you should honor yourself (and the other people involved) by not participating in that kind of endeavor. Really. I hope you are able to realize that. It's tough. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Zolie Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Zolie, yes I am aware of this, and she knows exactly what the situation is. I am not a complete jerk, and know that in the end 1 or 2 or 3 people will probably hurt, and OW is the only "innocent" one (OK, innocent may not be the best description of this wild woman!)DHH I do hope you didn't think I was suggesting you are a jerk. I was merely reminding you the OW's feelings are just as valid as yours and your wife's are. All too often the OW (or OM) is painted as a vicious, man-stealing whore who gets what she deserves when she falls in love with a married man, so I just wanted to shed some humanization on the OW. Disclaimer: I am not in any way pro-affair. I am pro-human, no matter the role a person plays.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Her ultimate response? "Can't blame you, under the circumstances." I was more than a little disappointed. I would bet that once your wife sees you beginning to blossom with a new love in your life, she will change her tune. I wish I had a dime for every time I saw one spouse give that 'tacit permission' only to demand divorce when their spouse takes them up on it. Just be careful. Be mindful of OW in this too. She may not be happy for very long with a guy who is staying unhappily married when he has an OW who is more than willing to provide happiness. She will want you to leave eventually. Honestly, your best bet probably is to divorce and start over in a legit way with someone rather than go the 'open secret affair' route. If you go that route, only one person is ultimately happy: you. If you cut the marital ties, then that frees up your wife to find happiness, for you to find happiness, and for the other woman to find happiness.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 But it got real contentious about 4 years ago, just after I ran over the cat, and she had started getting into shape, dressing and looking sexier (and all the other classic signs of an affair...) I'm trying to understand the connection between running over the cat and the blossoming of her libido ? Mr. Lucky
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Hmmmm, let me ask you a question? If the OP was a woman and on here stating how she decided to have an affair because her H wouldn't meet her emotional needs- who would you side with?? Doesnt matter, the affair either way it's wrong. Your equating emotional needs with sexual needs but what if the woman doesnt make them known. Men are not freaking mind readers! If I was him, I'd say work at it. but if she's not gonna have sex with you and plain as day doesnt want to have sex and you do everything right, then I would understand seperating first!!!!!!!!! Like I said there's a right way and a wrong way. Just because he's a man and I see where he's coming from mz pixie doesnt mean I'm gonna agree and condone them you know. Sometimes a man could do everything right and the woman wont do her share, then what? A man is only gonna be responsive to your emotional needs if you tell him!!!!!!! Do ot drop hints, clues, pictures, I'm talking direct verbal and physical actions to get your point across.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 DHH, there is a third person in this equation, whose feelings matter, and that is the OW. She may say, and even believe, that she doesn't mind that you are still married, but deep down, chances are she hopes and believes you might leave your wife one day. She will probably deny it (even to herself) if you asked her, but like I said, chances are those thoughts are buried there somewhere. There are some single women who date married men on purpose because they don't want a confining, serious relationship. They are simply content to date their MM as is. All well and good, but IMO, those kinds of arrangements are very, very rare. Most OWs seeing a MM will and do fall in love and want more from their MM, eventually. That's when the trouble starts. So, it's not just your wife's and your feelings that matter here. Consider the possible ramifications to the OW, also. You know how F-ing stupid that is that single OW date married men because they dont want serious relationships??? WTF? If that's the case stay single and mess with single men only. Tell him it's just for the sex and attention! Why mess with a MM if you just like the idea of taking something that isnt yours'. Women are competitive with each other and it doesnt matter who they hurt in the long run. I'm noit trying to generalize but that statement sounded stupid as hell. Single OW date MM because they dont want serious relationsships??? HUH???? Why not just date a man who's single and ask him for just sex????
Cobra_X30 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Sometimes a man could do everything right and the woman wont do her share, then what? Then what? C'mon CB... you know the man is always wrong! Doesnt matter the situation or the facts!
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