sedgwick Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 (edited) But I sent the following email to his friend yesterday. It's a friend of his for whom I had a special fondness, and he had the same for me as far as I know. Anyway, here it is: As I'm sure you know by now, Joe broke up with me last summer on the morning he left to go on tour for three months. I haven't seen him since. Without going into any unneccessary dramatics, I was totally shocked and gutted, as we hadn't had a fight, we'd had a great night the night before, we were ostensibly celebrating the selling of my book, and I honest to god thought we were madly in love with each other. Needless to say, I'm still pretty damn bummed out. Thus, I'm writing to you in this indirect manner. Basically it's like this: I love that man more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I love him completely, totally, unconditionally, for exactly who he is. I've never trusted like I trusted him, loved like I loved him, or laughed more with anyone. Before him, I had never been with anyone with whom every conversation felt like the first, with that amazing sense of wonder and oh-my-god-we're-the-same-person. I love him purely and sincerely and with absolutely everything in me. I told him I was terrified to write a book for [publisher] but I knew I could do it with his support and love. He said, "I love you," and we fell asleep. The next morning over breakfast he told me that he just couldn't be with someone who wasn't a musician, and I never saw him again. So I ran off to Mexico and I wrote the book in spite of crying every goddamn day (Oaxaca is lovely), and I've tried to resolutely give him what he seems to want, which is a life completely free of me. It's so ****ing ridiculous -- I literally tell him every night before I fall asleep that I love him unconditionally, and I guess I kind of hope the universe might carry that to him somehow. Which is why I'm writing you. The last time I saw him I touched his face and I could feel his teeth through his cheeks. He lay his head in my lap and I put my hand on his belly and I could feel his spine. Last week I was watching that ridiculous show "Intervention" on A&E (because it's always good to know someone has it worse), and the family of an IV coke user was sobbing to the addict because he was 6'2" and 145 lbs. The last time I saw Joe he told me he weighed 125. He lost 10 pounds in the time I knew him. It breaks my heart that I can't take care of him. On our last night together I fed him tomatoes and basil I grew on my terrace, and I tried to rub his shoulders while he ate it, and I couldn't. I couldn't hug him, I couldn't snuggle against him. His bones hurt me. My heroin-addict boyfriend from my misspent youth didn't even look like that. So I'm just asking you to please try to channel some of this love his way, since I can't. I sent him a single message back in November telling him my book was due Jan 15 so to please not call me before then, but that I would like to talk to him after that if he wanted to. I ended it with, "Never forget that I love you unconditionally, always, for exactly the person you are." Jan 15 came and went with no word. I don't know if he's forgotten me or if he hates me or if he's somewhere in some field in Virginia hugging his bass and gasping his last breath. Or, more likely, he's found his old-time musician and and he's madly in love and I'm long gone from his mind. I don't want to know. I don't want a reply because it would hurt too much. I've never been wrecked over a ****ing breakup like this in my life. I haven't looked at his pictures or myspace page or listened to anything involving a fiddle since he left. But if he ever seems to need it, and if you don't think it would piss him off, would you please just feed him a sandwich and, like, tell him it's from me? And if he ever needs to be told that there's someone out here who totally believes in him and loves him with the kind of love that makes no demands, the kind of love that purely wants to see the other happy, would you tell him? This is not some kind of plea to get us back together, and please, seriously, don't respond -- I can't take it just yet. Good god, okay, I'm ending this sapfest. Hope your insulin levels have stayed relatively stable in these last five minutes. Heathcliff, honey, it's me, Kathy, I'm home. ...go ahead LS...yell at me...i deserve it Edited January 30, 2008 by sedgwick
Trecherized Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 you're not going to get any yelling from me. i actually found that very touching to say the least. unconditional love is the best there is in this world. if my ex was to write something like that to one of my friends, i may just have to forgive her for what she's done. i applaud your courage for sending that email. and congratulations on your book.
CalamitousJane Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 (edited) Oh Sedgwick, that's very brave and I'm very glad you did it. My belief is that NC should come AFTER the dumpee pours out everything in his or her messy purple heart. I'm glad you said it, although it would have been better if you'd said it directly so you could avoid wondering whether the message survived the grapevine. Jmima just wrote in a different thread that closure starts after hope is gone. I know that is true for me. Wishing you the best right now. I feel like you're getting near the end on this one. Edited January 30, 2008 by CalamitousJane
serendip Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I think you should have sent it directly to the dude(your ex). You should never get friends involved b/c the relationship/breakup is between you two...and no one else. If my ex had sent one of my friends a email regarding our relationship/breakup...no matter how nice it was...I be upset that she didn't have the courage to communicate with me directly. Having said that...it was a nice email...good luck
sandflea Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 That's a beautiful letter sedgwick. You're a very kind, loving person. Regardless if he ever hears it, I hope it gives you some closure, and helps you with your transition. Namaste SF
ElvenPriestess Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I think that's one of the kindest most heartfelt email I have read yet. You put yourself aside so much and showed the TRUEST meaning of unconditional love. You let some one you care for so deeply know that they are not alone in this world. I thank you have much courage and a wonderful heart.
Author sedgwick Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Namaste to you too Sandflea! Which playa are you on? I just returned from two months on the Pacific coast of Mexico and it was unbelievably beautiful. I did yoga by the beach every day and wrote in a hammock. Right now I'm off to Jivamukti to do more yoga!
sandflea Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Namaste to you too Sandflea! Which playa are you on? I just returned from two months on the Pacific coast of Mexico and it was unbelievably beautiful. I did yoga by the beach every day and wrote in a hammock. Right now I'm off to Jivamukti to do more yoga! I'm in Southern VA - on the Chesapeake Bay I'd do some yoga in the sand if I wasn't afraid of freezing my hootchies off... I love Mx too. Especially the west coast. I used to have to travel to Mx City for work, but that's an entirely different can of worms. Peace to you, Sedgwick. You sound like a beautiful person. Enjoy your escape! SF
rita's world Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Hi I am new here but I was very moved by your letter. I agree that you should just write it here and not for anyone else. It is so hard and I am sorry. My H also got down to that low weight from his own guilt and depression or perhaps it was drugs and his scene? I do not know but it is hard for us women as we are caretakers, yes? I have also been with musicians and have felt empty inside from the experience, as if I was so loving yet still a msitress to their music. It is very hard but you are doing your best because you Got a Life, Went Dark, and Stopped Snooping. You let him initiate contact and put out that you will love him unconditionally. He will hopefully realize his loss but if not, you positive mental attitude will attract someone who will be with you also. It is hard for me to imagine myself with someone new also but it will happen. Most people only dream to be loved unconditionally. Yoga is great.
Ronni_W Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Hey Sedg. The big question is: Did it work? -- How are you feeling since? Sending Love, Light...and hugs.
Author sedgwick Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 I haven't heard from him. I don't expect to. Nothing can go forward until he gets healthy. This isn't about him being a rockstar with a bunch of groupies, this is about him being totally obsessed with music because if he never allows himself time to think about anything else, he doesn't have to deal with his problems. He's trying so hard to escape into music that he's physically deteriorating. I love him with all my heart, but come on, I'm a dancer and a former anorexic. I can't watch him destroy his body and starve himself to death. If he's in a place in his life where he feels he can't make art without suffering, I have to let him go suffer. Eventually he'll either come to his senses or die. My life is great. It would be better if he was in it, but I'm very physically healthy, and knowing him has caused me to appreciate that a lot. Knowing him taught me the importance of taking care of myself and not taking myself so seriously. Important lessons. All I can do is let him go and let him know I love him. The rest is up to him and he has to make his own choices.
rita's world Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 You do have the best attitude. We must always ask ourselves "Does this path get me what I want and is it healthy?" I wish I had your strength. I used to but now I am in survival mode. You are an inspiration right now.
Ronni_W Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Nothing can go forward until he gets healthy. That is the biatch, isn't it? -- Because, of course, at the very same time, EVERYTHING will go forward whether or not he gets healthy. Everything is going forward...even as we type and read
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Wow...that e-mail made me cry. G-d bless you...you seem to have a heart of gold.
Ssheena Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I don't think you need to be yelled at all. You love this person and want to help him. What you are describing is someone with some real "issues". You have done everything possible to help this person, while you were with them and even afterwords. It is heartbreaking to see someone with an eating disorder or other addiction and very, very hard to get through to them. I think perhaps he did you a favor by exiting your life. You have done everything you can. Whether he knows it or not, he is very lucky to have someone who loves him like you do.
Author sedgwick Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 I really appreciate what all of you have said. Thank you so much. I'm beating myself up because I've made contact three (technically two) times since last August. The first time was when I was trying to delete him from my email contact list and I accidentally forwarded him an email I had just sent to my brother. I called my brother by name and the email was just a computer question, so I'm hoping he (the ex) realizes it was a mistake. The second time was the text I sent in November telling him he could contact me in Jan. The third was this email to his friend. In the meantime I've heard NOTHING from him. So I feel bad about breaking NC. But I guess maybe I didn't break it too badly. I haven't called or emailed him and I know I won't. I'm worried that I look pathetic anyway. ritas_world, what is "went dark," stopped snooping," etc?
kymberann Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 WOW I can just imagine how fantastic your book is! Hey you did what you had to do for you, that is all that counts. It is all part of the process and we grieve and heal and move on in whatever way we need to! Just because t here has been a break up does not mean we stop loving and missing someone anytime soon. I have been telling my self that "Out of pain comes growth" as I try to move on, and grieve and learn from my last relationship! Best!
bigmanpayne Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 you're not going to get any yelling from me. i actually found that very touching to say the least. unconditional love is the best there is in this world. if my ex was to write something like that to one of my friends, i may just have to forgive her for what she's done. i applaud your courage for sending that email. and congratulations on your book. ditto. i couldnt agree more.
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