lovesparis Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 the other day i was just so proud of myself for not breaking NC after a month. today, i've cried all damnnnnn day. i disgust myself. in an attempt to cope with the feelings i have, i've been writing letters/emails to him that i've never sent. i just store them on my HD. the past month or so i had written up my best to that date, and longest, a whopping 4 pages. typed. tonight i surpassed in quality. (much shorter too, i might add) i would like to share with you to get feedback. here goes: hans, I have made almost every mistake in the book, and I know there is no way to make up for that; all I can say is that I’m sorry. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart for the myriad of mistakes, and hurt that I have been responsible for. Everyone grows at their own speed, some of us realize our mistakes quickly and some of us do not, some of us take a lot of time to make changes in our lives, and others act immediately. While it may have taken me a significant amount of time to realize and accept my mistakes, I have more than doubled my efforts to find myself; the person I want to be, the best person I can be, as opposed to the person I have been. I have searched my soul, and I have made pronounced changes within myself. Those changes stem from a love far greater than anything I have ever known. Loving you has taught me how to love myself again. You are an amazing and wonderful man, the best I have ever met. I take complete responsibility for my actions and behavior that led to our breakup. Although breaking up with you has been the hardest experience of my life, I thank you for it. You loved me enough to break up with me, when it was what I needed most. Without that love, I would have continued down a path that I do not want to be on. I want to be able to start over with you, hans. For the first time in my life I found a relationship that I believe in, and that I believe in fighting for. I will do whatever is necessary to regain your respect, your trust, and your love. With all my love, ~paris in all honesty, i have no plans to send this at anytime in the foreseeable future. additonally, i may have written something else to say if/when i do feel the need to contact him again. but i would like your thoughts if i were to send this today. TIA
cant let go Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 i don't know enough about your story to say whether or not you should send that letter, but i thought it was very beautifully written. honestly i would say that if you felt you could still send it after removing the last paragraph then you are at a really good place.
s_n_d Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Youve come so far with your NC. One month is a long time. And i dont think you should break it. But its all up to YOU. If you would be happier if you sent the email, then send it.
Art_Critic Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I'm sorry you are having a rough go of it Paris... That was a cleansing letter.. those type of letters are best left unsent.. Since your past events regarding contact sending it will only make your sad feelings even sadder... Chin up ..things will get better and a new guy is right around the corner...
Author lovesparis Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 if you were EX, would it be overkill, stalkerish, crazy ex gf to get the letter? or flattering, and can see the sincerity with which i write it? if you had broken up with a girl and she sent this would you be more inclined to reconsider the breakup (not necessarily get back tog, but reconsider) or would it solidify the reasons behind NC (as the breaker uper)? my friends tell me it's borderline crazy. (i will not communicate with him re: "us" until at least 6 wks NC with my friend, luke, that caused the break up.)
cant let go Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 honestly... keep in mind i'm a girl... but i really feel like sending the letter as is, with the last paragraph about getting him back, would be an awful idea. that would not get him to reconsider. however, if you sent him the letter without that paragraph...basically just the what you've learned part...it could go either way depending on his feelings for you. you probably can't get him to reconsider unless he is already reconsidering... you could, on the other hand, get him to stop reconsidering if you come off as if you are begging for him back... this is why that last paragraph really needs to go in my opinion.
Jackieboy Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Paris, DO NOT send that letter, trust me do not. He is gone, all that letter will do will confirm in his mind that he did the right thing and will push him even further away. Now if you have sent it already insitute no contact from now. Enough enough enough. You are a good, kind and caring person and you must look after yourself. Why worry so much about someone who doesn't care about you the way you care about him? Refuse to have the person you are defined by the actions of another, you are too good for that. No contact, not for him but for you. Heal, time will help and rely on friends, family and those who care about you to get you through. It will be hard (I know from first hand experience) but you will get there. Keep the letter on your computer but don't send it, don't look at it again in fact. Then in a years time re-read it, I guarentee you will cringe and wonder how you could have ever even contemplated sending it. This helps me... Its always darkest just before the dawn, but dawn will break. Good luck and be strong.
Author lovesparis Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 thanks guys. i honestly won't contact him until i have at least 6 wks of NC with my friend that caused our breakup. i'm not in any hurry to send it out, i just thought it was very well written. add it to another thread on "dating" about one's ability to say they are sorry... and yeah. can't let go, i appreicate your input about the last paragraph and i've thought about it, and were i to send it, i believe in everything i put into the letter, so i could send it, if i were to send it, without the last paragraph. it's just that everything with this guy was so different. firstly, i actually tried to care what he thought, instead of just doing my own thing. i put thought and work into our R, instead of just commanding it. i allowed myself to love him, because it felt different than every other R i was in. where in previous R's i would talk about marriage with the guy, i never was willing to work toward that goal. in this R, he would bring up marriage and i would tell him i didn't want to talk about it yet, i didn't want to play house, until we were "keeping house". but i never doubted from the time i met him that we would be married, that we would play well together, that i had finally found my fairytale. last night i was talking with a couple friends about him, and how he met me at the airport when i came home from a trip with a vase of my favorite flowers that he hand picked out of his dad's garden, (this after he had sent me flowers while i was gone), a bag full of candies, and a cd he made while he missed me. and waiting in the car was dinner he picked up for me from our fave mexican place. my friends said there was a probability we still had a chance to get together but not if i push for it. i'm confused why approaching the situation, and him, honestly and telling him that i acknowledge my mistakes, that i believe in taking responsibility for them, that i understand and accept that i hurt him and that it may be difficult for him to consider having another go at a R with me, and i'm willing to wait and work with him to show him that i have in fact changed my attitudes and behaviors in certain areas, that i still love him and want to fight for this R is a bad thing, whereas playing some dumb game of who can hold out longer before both parties forget, is more acceptable? can anyone explain that to me?
cant let go Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 don't think of it as a game. think of it as respecting his wishes. if you try to get him back right away, in his eyes, you are not respecting his decision. if you play it cool and let time pass he may let down that defensive guard he is likely holding up. that defensiveness is your enemy and that is why laying all your feelings out there won't benefit either of you. believe me, i know. i sent every kind of i'm sorry, i've learned email and cried my broken heart out to him. all this did was make him feel like i wasn't listening to him. he felt that i wasn't looking out for his happiness but my own and he felt that everything i did was some sort of manipulation to get him back. so yeah, don't think of this as a game. nc is not a tactic. but it's also not always the right solution. every relationship situation is unique. timing is crucial and you must always be aware of your intentions. if you feel even the slightest bit out of control, things could spiral into chaos quite quickly.
Author lovesparis Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 thanks can't let go.. your response actually makes sense to me, even though it still feels like i'm playing a game. i didn't respect his wishes about NC at all at the very beginning. i behaved like a monster the first 2-3 weeks. then he asked that i not contact him until at least october (from august) i went 4 mo NC before i called him in dec (unrelated to us. when i decided i was going to call, i made a point to be ok with not discussing 'us' at that time, even if he initiated it. if i couldn't make a phone call w/o bringing 'us' up, i couldn't call) and it's been a mo NC since then. my next goal is not contacting him until i've had 6 wks of NC with my friend luke that came between us. and i'm hoping the theory of NC works by then. either i no longer want to be with him, or he comes back. but if i still want to be with him by the 6 wk NC mark, i know i'll be contacting him then. thanks for explaining that to me better than it has been explained in the past. i'll do my best.
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