msanderc Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I have been dating this girl for over 2.5 years now (we're both 20). We've been in a LDR for over 1.5 years now, and she's always had a tough time with the distance. Not that it's been too much of a problem, but she's always told me that it's tough not having me there (no biggie, right?). Anyways, we talk on the phone every night, send emails to each other, cute texts every once and awhile. We've had our scuffles but have always managed to sort things out. I try to get back or see her every weekend I'm not busy with schoolwork. Last weekend, she was going to the auto show w/ some friends (one of her co-workers boyfriend had a bike in the show) and i told her i might be able to come down if i could get all my work done. Anyways, it got to be about 11:00pm and I called her up saying I finished, she said don't bother coming back, it's too late and I would only be there for 5 or 6 hours before I had to head back... no sleep, 5 hours of driving (round trip), etc. But she calls me the next night and as usual (happens maybe once a week), talks about how hard the distance is and then goes on this teary rant about how she wants the relationship and she loves me but can't do the distance any more (i saw her a week earlier). She says she misses me too much to keep doing a LDR... which makes no sense, but doesn't want to break up with me (that was adamantly expressed), but is hesitant to stay together. WTF? I know she's been stressed out ALOT with classes and work, but this was really sudden, not sure if she's just overwhelmed and needs to think about it or if something is going on. Her best friend thinks it might be a little bit of depression (she's had some in the past during the winter)... it's just so unlike her, I'm not sure how to react or what do to. It came up yesterday, we sorted things out, and now it's back today. So confused...
Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I'm sorry you're going through with this. I have to say that I think there's something more to this than distance. I'm in a LDR, and I'll be lucky if I get to see him every 3-4 weeks for the next few months. If I saw him every weekend, I'd be in heaven.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I have to say that I think there's something more to this than distance. I'm in a LDR, and I'll be lucky if I get to see him every 3-4 weeks for the next few months. If I saw him every weekend, I'd be in heaven. Oh please. You can't compare a rocky relationship of a couple months to the long-term and most certainly loving commitment that the OP has. OP: Why are you LD? Is there any way in the foreseeable future that this could be rectified? It can often be very hard for young people to endure the long distance--it sounds like your only solution, for the moment, would be to somehow close that distance gap. If she is the right person, she will be patient enough to wait for that.
Author msanderc Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 I'm a 2nd semester sophomore at Purdue University, which is 2.5 hours from my hometown, where my gf goes to a community college. She'll be transferring to another college that's just about as far away next spring... so no real luck there with the chance to be closer. The best I can do is come back/have her come here every weekend I don't have to be committed to class work.
j_hunt_12 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Girls go off on crazy rants that dont make any sense all the time, I sit back and laugh at some of the arguments I've had in the past with the GF. This is especially true when LDR is invovled. The "I can't do this anymore... I can't do this anymore... I love you too much for this... PLEASE!! I want to still be with you" isn't actually as bad as some I've heard. The truth is girls just think differently and sometimes spit out stuff that doesn't make sense sometimes when they're in love. Us guys are wrong too a lot of times but in different ways. The best you can do is just wait it out and be there for her (if you love her of course... 2.5 years I'll assume you do), talk about it later when you're both calmed down, and try to understand. She doesn't really sound like she actually wants to leave you. To think about it, I've never heard of an LDR ending because the two people just loved each other too much and couldn't take it anymore. Now when jealousy and lack of trust comes into play, that is a different story. P.S. think about how nice it is you can still see each other on weekends... peace
TMichaels Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 She says she misses me too much to keep doing a LDR... which makes no sense, but doesn't want to break up with me (that was adamantly expressed), but is hesitant to stay together. WTF? Girl-speak translation? She loves you to pieces and wishes the two of you were together all the time, not just on weekends. Circumstances prevent that and it's driving her crazy -- to the point of wondering whether *it would hurt less* if the two of you were to just break it all off. Expect this issue to continue to come up for as long as she struggles with what feels like a hole in her heart that she wants to go away. It's not that she necessarily wants you to do something (fix) the situation (i.e. either of you quit school and/or move closer to each other). My guess is that realizes that both of you getting your college degrees is a "necessarily evil" and that's part of what makes the situation so "hopeless" in her mind. Don't ever tell a woman her feelings or tears aren't valid or justified. Regardless of how silly or petty her worries may seem, the fact is, most women need to talk about how they feel -- it's just how they are wired and cope with the world. So validate her feelings and reassure her. Let her know you understand how hard it is, but you think SHE and your relationship is worth it -- that's why you've made a commitment to be with her in the long-haul and why you do everything you can to be with her as much as possible in the short-term, because she is so important to you. Two other suggestions that may seem on the surface to be a bit of a contradiction (lol -- like women, i know!) 1) Women love have something to look forward to. As silly as it sounds, sometimes just having that something to look forward to is enough of a distraction that the here and now doesn't matter as much. Is there anything the two of you could make plans to do? Doesn't have to be elaborate -- could be as simple as a picnic in the park on a special day, attending a concert, or a mutal friend's wedding. Doesn't matter if it's next month, six months from now, or a year. Anything that is meaningful and special to the two of you, that you both can look forward to doing together, and she, in particular, can have fun planning. 2) Women love surprises, especially from the ones they love. Is there anything that you can do/say/pull off out of the blue that would show her how special she is to you? I know as a student your time and/or budget is limited, but Valentine's Day is coming up -- the perfect opportunity to do one or both of the above, if you can... Best, TMichaels
Duck n' Bunnies Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 This girl sounds a lot like I did. Did you ever consider this as a plea for help? Sounds to me like she is telling you she wants out becuase what she really wants you to come back, and stay with her (which I understand isn't possible). It's almost like she want you to chose her or choose the distance, and if the distance is voluntary (like you wanted to go live with your buddy somewhere hours and hours away) then she might be serious about this ultimatium, but if the distance is not a choice (you are getting your education) then it could just be her way of expressing how bad she really wants you to be with here. Ask her if she really means it? If this girl was anything like me, then she will regret what she said within the next few days. I know that my boyfriend of 3 years, we've been doing LD for about the same amount of time (Year and a Half)... but just to let you know... the HARDEST times for me... are right after he leaves... and I get all messed up again. Now, my boyfriend lives 20 hours away from me and only comes to see me once a month if not once every 2 months, (we are both doing our graduate degrees at different Universities) but its usually for about 2 weeks after I see him that I am all devistated that we had to separate again. IF you are seeing her once every 2 weeks, then no wonder she is devistated so often... she gets you for a day and then you are torn apart for a few weeks... it's almost like teasing, but it's not. You see eachother because you miss eachother and feel like it's the best medicine... but I find that the more I attatch and detatch myself from my guy, it just gets worse and worse and worse... the longer the distances between our visits, the better I seem to be. I don't really think my info will help you... but this was my experience.
j_hunt_12 Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Wow.. the above comment: I've actually noticed this too with posts and stuff. People that have the "short" long distance relationships usually don't do too well, but those who have "long" long distance fair SLIGHTLY better. I've been away from my GF about 1.5-2 months now and it has actually gotten a little bit easier although I still feel commited and everything. It seems to do better when people have a fewer number of longer visits throughout the year, then you can have that SO, but still concentrate on your life, studies or whatever it may be.
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