mariebb Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 So sorry this a bit long but I'm desperate. I am having marriage problems that have been going on for a lengthy time. I'm 38 my husband is 34yrs - we have been married for 8 years and have a 3 year old boy and 2 year old twin girls (all through IVF fertility treatments) and I'm pregnant with #4. This pregnancy was very unexpected as it was naturally and we've always considered ourselves infertile. I'm thrilled about the new baby, my husband less so. I'm having serious issues with my husband that have been going on for some time. I maybe just need to talk it out or something, but thought I'd write this on this board. Maybe someone out there might have some advice for me. I'm thinking about leaving my husband but am struggling with it. He treats me like a roommate, and has very little to say to me. He's respectful though, and is nice to me but just doesn't talk to me or make any effort to get physically close at all. I always am the one to move his way. I feel I deserve more as I'm the type of person that others find very interesting, I have a lengthy education, a very unique work history and I'm up on current issue, love to talk and am quite social. I also don't consider myself bad looking at 120lbs, and athletic. People say I look 10 years younger than my actual age. I'm not saying this to be all "me" focussed, I just want to paint the picture that I have not "let myself go" and I still get loads of looks from the men. Despite this, my man seems to have little interest in me. He will yak nonstop on the phone at night to his work friends (guys - who I know) and family about everything under the sky but he doesn't have two words to say to me despite the fact I regularly try to bring up interesting, guy related topics. We have gone through marital counselling this past year for this very reason and the counsellor blames his issues a lot on his family of origin who share very few emotions with each other and display even less. The counsellor has given us lots of tips, advice and understanding yet it hasn't helped much at all. He made my husband's task to sit and have quality conversation with me (not kids related) at least 10 min a day and have physical contact with me for at least 10 min 3 times a week. He has been completely unable (read: unwilling) to continue to doing this task beyond the first week our counsellor suggested it. My task was to not ask tasks of him "honey, please get this...." "honey,could you....." etc etc. I have maintained this and I never ask a thing of him anymore. (difficult with three kids and needing to work as a team). My husband is the dream husband in most ways except for his ignoring of me, lack of loving gestures of any kind, sex only about 4 times a year (when I insist on it and just about have a melt down unless he does it - I know, sick - but that's what's it come to), and his complete lack of indication that he even knows I'm in the same house with him. He does most of the cooking (he insists on this as it is one of his loves), he loves to clean and is a neat freak, he is very responsible, he is great with money, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, has a great number of freinds and is very social and is constantly inviting others over and hosting dinners etc, he is great with the kids and is very loving to them. All our friends think is the most awesome guy in the world and regularly tell me how they wish they're husband was like him.. They have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. I was ready to leave him last year at this time but counselling gave me some hope, now reviewing the last year and I see there's been little progress. I'm like his roommate. He was gone away to a work camp for the last 6 weeks and what opened my eyes was that I did not miss him one bit - not a single bit. I missed the work he does around the house (which is a lot - he regularly cooks and is a neat freak) but I didn't miss him. I'm very loney with him and I'm wondering if I would be better off leaving even though I'd probably be completely overwelmed as single mom of three. He and I have talked and talked about this topic (at least I've been the one talking to him, he's listened but doesn't say too much) so we have a lot of communication about this topic and he knows that I'm very unhappy and thinking of leaving. I've threatened affairs, or simiply internet connections for sex out of desperation - it does nothing to budge his behaviour - he still doesn't change.I've been neglected and emotionally abandoned for so long that I think if he passed away I wouldn't be that upset. I know, awful, huh? I can completely see why women have affairs - I could never do this due to strong religious upbringing, but I have a new understanding of it all. I wonder if I would be better leaving him and trying to find someone knew. I doubt I'd be very attractive to any man though just through having three young kids attached to me and soon to be four. I am certain he is not having an affair - we work at the same company and I know where he is at all times, and he knows where I am. Any helpful thoughts on this predicament would ease my mind at this point . I don't know if I should hang in there and wait until the kids are older and I could manage better on my own. But, I simply am to the point that I can't to be ignored and starved out emotionally for another minute - I'm really desperate. If only I could just make him be affectionate and noticing of me, he'd honestly be the perfect for me - i'm still very attracted to him but my anger and resentment is now clouding this. I'm miserable. Marie
PLAYBRAT Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Wow.... This is crazy............ aside from the kids..he seems totally A sexual.... ICK. Sweetie.....I do not normally condone this.......but please leave this dud.You are still young. YOu deserve to be happy and your kids deserve a happy MOM. It does not make you a bad person to want to do better for yourself.You have tried and tried.............. As for your husband....wow. Is he gay??? You have done all you can do sweetie........You are not a miracle worker. If he does not want to try.....you can't control that..... The kids are the focal point here..but YOU need to be happy too..... remember that.
Audg1964 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Wow! So sorry to hear. As I answered in other threads, if he's sharing intimate conversations with anyone other than you, it's kind of considered cheating. You guys need to be intimately connected. Secondly, he sounds like a good Husband, so was mine, but mine never wanted sex either. Look, you need to protect your children. Where is he at night when you are sleeping? Mine was on the phone to 900-sex lines and ultimately in my daughter's bed. Shocking I know. But, true nonetheless. Your Husband's behavior is just not acceptable. Yea, all I missed was my ex taking out the garbage. But, guess what? After 13 years of raising my daughter alone, I still miss him - even tho our marriage stunk. You always wish for what could have been...it's hard raising children without a father - is there family you can go to? You need to take care of your children and your unborn child and yourself first.
NickP Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Does he love you? I think it's important that you know if he does or not.
Author mariebb Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 Thanks Audg and Playbrat - I really needed to hear such a perspective. You're right I have tried and tried and nothing is working. I have wondered if he is gay but I've seen him oogling at women and his behaviour doesn't suggest it in anyway, but the lack sex has had me ask in the past. When I'm sleeping he's right beside me - I'm a massively light slight sleeper, if he rolls over I'm awake - I'd know if he was sneaking out or something, its a really good question though. NickP - he says he loves me but his behaviour speaks otherwise. I appreciate your replies I have NO ONE to talk to about this, we're far away from all family due to work and my friends either mutual friends, or they couldn't be trusted with intimate info of my life. Anyway I appreciate your feedback.
D-Lish Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Geez. You said one thing that stood out. You said you are miserable. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this? You can have your children, the support of their father and a better life. You just can't have it unless you change what makes you miserable. You are still young. You can still have a life beyond what is making you so unhappy. If you would like help and advice on how to leave- let us know. ;-) D
Author mariebb Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Hi D, thanks for the response - no I don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable. I'm thinking I need to see a lawyer. I need to apologize, I read over my initial post and I realize that I put the ages in wrong, I'm 42 and my husband is 40. Doesn't change my post, but I didn't want to mislead anyone. I had originally put this post on one of my infertilty boards that I've posted on for years and know tons of people and I didn't want to reveal who I was so I changed the ages and my home town. Sorry about that. All these responses have really made me think that I've been knocking myself out for years and its useless. I am feeling more supported and that's a good thing. Marie
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