soulseeker Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 (edited) Please bear with me, I truly need perspective here...I know this is a bit choppy, but I am at work. Have been dating bf for 3 mos. Recently feel as though I am seriously falling in love with him. As a result, I have been distancing myself from him. Came clean with him last night in an attempt at being healthy. I told him I needed reassurance from him that it would be ok if I struggle with this a little. He said yeah, a little. That didnt seem reassuring to me. Later that night, he asks me if I am not happy about falling in love with him. I tell him I am, but that I havent had the best of luck in that area in the past. He nods and says I dont want you to feel the way you do. I say he contributes to it by being the opposite of reassuring sometimes. He agrees. I say it would be nice to hear seomthing like "Hey SS, it's ok, we all have problems. Lets work on this together." I point out that he has issues with love, and that it is not just me. He says that it seems like we are still feeling each other out and so is holding back on using "love " too much. Sometimes he says "I really like you" instead. I ask him why he ever says it to me at all. He says becasue he does. He said he is nto used to working on things together and has dealth with so much alone. He said he is scared too and I say thats great, two scared people in a relationship. Then he mentions the fact he he is gone for 8 days straight every other week and how that is not easy for us either. He then says that he thinks he needs more alone time, even though he is dying to see me when he gets in town. He is used to having more alone time. I get that, but it hurts, and is confusing because he makes such an effort to see me all the time. (I dont say that last part to him).I ask him if he wants to slow things down. He says no. He thinks slowing things down means walking away and he has no interest in that. At some point, he says that in his past few relationships, he has been honest with the women that he did not see them as long term relationships. He is trying to tell me that he sees us as the opposite. That our relationship is "open ended" I ask him to clarify. He says he doesnt feel like this is a short term relationship, and he does expect (?) anything permanent. Later, in a joking way, I make a comment that I guess it doesnt matter if I sleep with other people then since he already knows he doesnt want anything permanent with me. I tells me I misheard him. There's more to it, but I have mentioned the important stuff. After I conversation, I felt really good, like we were on the same page. After we went to bed, I started feeling horrible about it. Specifically the needing more alone time, and the comment about permanence. Even though I feel he clarified what he meant by these comments, I still feel hurt by them. And, even though I actually feel the same way. Now I feel like it might be too risky to stay involved and I should pull way back and give him lots more alone time. When I left his place this morning, he told me to call him. Should I? What do you make of this? Edited January 29, 2008 by soulseeker
oppath Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Wait a minute...it sounds like he said "I think you and I have a chance of something permanent" and that he envisions a long term future with you. I don't get the problem here. A little space is healthy, but you see each other 4/5 days a week when he's in town. It's only been 3 months. I don't see anything wrong in his actions at this point. He sounds quite reassuring to me: "I can't say I love you yet, but I look forward to many adventures with you and I see a long term potential."
Krytie TV Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 So which is it? First, you were pulling back from him for your reasons and now you're trying to act according to his feelings? You need to decide which way you're going here or you'll drive yourself nuts. IMO, you're the one with the intimacy issue so you're the one that needs to work on that. He can help, but you can never truly know what's going on inside him. You need to figure out you. Until you're not afraid to fall in love, relationships will be an exercise in futility.
Author soulseeker Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Yeah, I am pretty much a mess. Sometimes. I dont want to distance myself from him, that is why I came clean about it to him. For me, that was huge. Sad, but true. Is it possible to be 100% not afraid to fall in love? Thanks for the opinions
SeraBella Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 It seems to me that you're trying to blame him for your own issues. You start a conversation out about yourself, and rather than actually working on that you turned it into a big discussion about his issues? He wasn't the one pulling away. You felt the need to attack him simply because he didn't react the way you wanted. Get over yourself, there. Rarely do people react the way we plan in our minds. You're creating drama out of nothing. If anything, I would think that would turn him off more than you admitting your weaknesses. As women, we overanalyze things men say WAY too much. Stop it. Try to work on whatever issues you have, and don't turn the tables to try to place the blame on him. It seems very unfair that you did that to him.
oppath Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 The way I see it, is for the first 3 months, you should be focused on two things. (1) Am I having fun with this person? and (2) am I getting the know them intimately? Then you ask (3) "can I see a long term future with this person?" That does not mean marriage and kids just yet, it means "is this someone I want to experience lots of adventures with and someone I can be myself around? Is there a potential for more, even if it is uncertain?" As far as I am concerned, he does not have intimacy issues. He's being honest about how he feels -- he really likes you, sees you as a long term prospect, is enjoying getting to know you, looks forward to having adventures with you and seeing where it goes -- and in my opinion, that's right where he should be. You are still in college and he is recently out or college aged, right? Until you both are settled in your careers, "you are someone I can envision a long term future with" is about as good as you can expect. Yes, eventually you can expect "I love you" but it's only been 3 months. You don't know what the future will bring -- that is uncertain -- but what he is saying is "the future is uncertain, but I can see myself having a long term relationship with you." That's very healthy at 3 months because it acknowledges his feelings are growing, that he wants them to continue to grow, but there may be some challenges down the road (you finishing school, jobs, etc). The intimacy issues are with you. Falling in love is a great thing. Also, as for space, if you spend 2 days straight together, it's ok for him to go to the gym alone or for you to go run an errand for 2 hours. I know that is sometimes the space I refer to. Plus, it comes back to your earlier post about him rescheduling a date for his hockey game. He has other things in his life besides you. You have to tolerate him changing plans. It's going to happen once a week if you see each other 4-5 times a week. It just happens. Him wanting space might mean he wants the flexibility to play sports, go to concerts, etc, on short notice without letting you down. He may include you in those things, but he perhaps just wants to be reassured that he's not going to disappoint you so deeply if something comes up and he wants to do it for an hour or two before going to see you. I see nothing wrong with that as I think your life should be so busy that once a week you are calling him at 4pm and saying "I know we talked about meeting at 6, but I've got to go run this errand, let's make it 8 instead." If you are spending lots of time together, those things happen.
Author soulseeker Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Ok, ok. He told me point blank that he has intimacy issues, trust issues, and issues expressing love. I am not projecting those things onto him. He told me that stuff within a month of meeting. Oppath, no, I am 29, he is 32. It has taken me sometime to be able to even look at my own emotions. My mom was emotionally abusive. And I got out of an abusive relationship a year ago. I took that one to heart, and I shouldnt have. I know you are absolutely right about being flexible about spending time together. I DO understand that he needs time to himself. It is confusing, however, that he has initiated 90% of the times we have hung out, and suddenly needs more alone time. If your gf did this, would you not question it for a minute? Is it wrong to ask someone for reassurance? I checked with a friend about this before I even brought it up and she thought it was a good thing. The intimacy issues are something that I can only work in the moment of being in a relationship because that's where I am going to feel the fears, unfortunately. I would love to say hey, let me take a break and figure this out. Doesnt work that way. At least, I cant see how it would. I guess it doesnt matter, bottom line is I need to chill out.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 The only thing that I got from the conversation was that he wanted some time apart. He wants to make sure that you two grow together by not spending so much time with each other. Also, it seems like he doesnt want to say "i love you " if he truely doesnt mean it. lastly, the last statement you made about sleeping with someone else was very juvenile. Jokingly or not, thats not a comment you should say
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