Ed_Ca22 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 (edited) ssssssssssss Edited January 29, 2008 by Ed_Ca22
Jasmine8719 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 No,it's not stupid to keep thinking about the whole situation. It's still and opened wound; fresh in your mind. I dont think she's with another man; if she was crying and upset and afraid to hurt you. I honestly dont believe she is over you. It has to be the hardest thing to turn away from someone you love and have been with for four years. I don't doubt that she still loves you. I think the problem started at the begininng. Obviously she didnt like your partying ways if she brought it up later. If she had a problem with that she should have confronted it at the start and if it didnt change she should have left.I think communication is the biggest thing that hurts relatinships. it causes couples to fight so much more often than if they just said how they felt at the beginning and not have kept in bottled up insinde. I think your right about your insecurities and jelousy it definantly put a damper on the relatioship alot!. and I think that stemed from her wanting you to be something you weren't. You never should try to change a person. Its imposible it causes so many problems and un neccessary fights; accept and love someone for who they are and if they dont like it then they should leave. Your relationship got tested tremendously when she had moved away from you; and as unfair as it seemed to you or her(or both) its was also good to test the relationship to see how strong it is and if it could ever last..I dont think your relatinship is over. I just think it's on hold. I think its a good time to get out and meet new people ...go to bars hang out with some new guys..do stuff that you love to do. dont just stay at home depressed, smoking and drinking. You have to be independent and secure with yourself to with stand a long and healthy relationship...Find out who you are. I think she doesn't know what she wants and is confused and needs to find out who she is as well. I know its really hard and your hurting...everything happens for a reason...this could be the real test..to see if you were really meant to be together....When she comes for her things, dont try to beg her to come back or convience her that she loves you and that this whole thing is silly...be civil "Hi how are you" maybe help her with her things...maybe she'll want to talk maybe not...but give her her space to decide what will make her happy...Find yourself as well...and it will all turn out for the better...I know your lonely and if you need someone to talk to I'm here -Jasmine
Author Ed_Ca22 Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Think I did something to my post, so here it is again: Sorry for the long post, but I have a lot to get out, so here goes... I have been with my girlfriend (well, now ex-girlfriend) for 4 years. We met during my first year of university, a couple of months after I broke up with my previous girlfriend (of 1 and a half years). I was taking that break up really badly (became a drunk and then started taking drugs) and she really helped me out of it. We were at University together for 3 years, and everything was more-or-less fine. We've been through rocky patches and had arguments, I've had relapses of drunkenness and upset her in the past, but we've always worked through it, and that particular problem hasnt occurred for more than a year. I've always been very insecure in our relationship, and I think this was largely because I was a bit lost in who I was. I went through one relationship and lost all my friends, into university and met loads of new people, became a drunk and a stoner, and then started another relationship. She of course didnt want me acting the way I had been, and neither did I, but I felt almost like I had to hold on to my bad habits because they had become part of who I was and that she was trying to take that away. I guess it wasnt just with that either - she wanted me to be more organised, more on top of things, more in control and more able to lead her and let her not have to worry about things because I was responsible or in charge. She didnt want me I taking all the responsibility all the time, but for us to be equals. And I wanted that too, but I didnt know how and I didnt know who I was and whether that was what I really wanted. I also found it difficult because I felt like she was changing our relationship and changing me - when we met I was good enough for her and was getting stoned and drunk all the time and didnt care about where I had to be I what I was doing - and now she wanted to have a complete turn around. And so I was never sure who I was, and I was never sure that how she wanted me to be, or whether what I was doing was right or was making her happy, and we had several upsets of me starting smoking cigarettes again or going out and drinking. After she graduated in summer 06 she got a job and started working in London while I finished my degree. This was a really hard time, we werent sure we could stay together (particularly her) but we decided to try. I spent endless evenings on the phone to her at all hours, and she spent a lot of time crying and missing me, and then crying when I left on a sunday after the weekend. I didnt find it so bad - it was enough to know that she was there for me if I needed her and to not think about it too much until I next saw her. But this made her feel as though I wasnt supporting her, and wasnt there for her in the way she needed me to be, and I felt more insecure and got more clingy. She was also not sure she liked her job and had to travel far too far, at least for her, to get there, and all this led to her becoming quite depressed. After a couple of months of work she moved from her Mums place in London to another place with a couple of strangers, because it was much closer to work and the journey was killing her. She doesnt cope well with being tired or traveling lots. Something seemed to change when she moved there, and I did everything I could, but somehow we werent on the same plain any more, we didnt seem to quite connect properly. We kept seeing each other on weekends, and talking all the time, but things werent quite right even though we both really wanted it to work. She was getting more and more depressed about her work and traveling and not being with anyone she knew, and just wasnt happy. I finished our year apart in June last year by graduating. We'd been living apart for more than a year but really wanted to move in together, but I was broke and needed time to get a job and find somewhere to live. She complained a lot because she wanted us to move in together straight away, and for me to move to London and find a job there. She wanted me to do it far more quickly than I felt I could or was possible, and I guess I was scared of it in a way. She felt more like I wasnt there for her, and things got harder. I got offered a job in Oxford, and even though she had wanted me to move to London she said almost immediately that she would move to Oxford with me. She had always been desperate for us to move in together, we had not seen enough of each other even at University (with the amount of work I had to do for my course) and because she went to study in Texas for 6 months, and she would always say that she just couldnt wait and was desperate for it to just be us, for us to start our life together. So we moved in together at the start of December, into a flat I couldnt really afford and had to borrow money to pay the deposit on, but somewhere very close to the station in Oxford which would thus minimise her journey time back to London for work. Since then things have been really bad. She has been at least as depressed than before we moved, if not more, almost since the day we arrived. We've talked about it lots and she always said it was the journey time and not liking her job (a new one, which she only started in November) and not knowing anyone in Oxford, but it never got any better. And it almost felt like she didnt try to enjoy living with me, she just gave up. I said I was insecure. I'm quite a nervous person, and have become more and more so over the course of our relationship, especially over the last year, because of how things have been going, with her continually unhappy and me trying to make things right. I'm also very dependent on her - I fell out with my family over drugs a few years ago and we've never really worked things out, so she is the only person I talk to about my feelings, hopes, dreams and fears. I've become more and more dependent, and I think more and more clingy, crowding and consequently unattractive to her. Sex has been a bit wierd for more than 6 months, and we always had UNBELIEVABLE sex. About 3 or 4 weeks ago something happened and she got very upset, said she couldnt take Oxford and traveling to her job anymore and being depressed, she wanted to quit her job and move from Oxford. We talked about it and had a miserable weekend, but in the end decided to carry on as we were. Then last Saturday (just over a week ago) she woke up in the morning and something wasnt right between us. She said we needed to talk and I knew what she was going to say, so I just told her to go. I knew she needed to really, that she wasnt coping here, and that we werent working out. She was very tearful and felt very guilty about leaving me. I was very quiet and very practical about it and went out while she packed some things, then came back and she said a tearful goodbye, and she left. I didnt try to stop her because I just knew it was the end of the line, we had had things go wrong before and I knew there was no way out of this. I went and stayed with a friend for the rest of the weekend while it sank in. We spoke a few times, she cried a lot, and then we talked about things on the phone last week. I've increasingly wanted answers from her and gotten stressed about things. I got very angry on one evening, and then took it all back and tried to talk to her about how she feels and what happened, and have pestered her about how she feels about me. I told her I had to see her on Sunday, but she wouldnt. I kept asking questions and annoying her, but managed to stay pretty quiet most of the weekend. Then on Sunday she sent me an email. She basically said that it wasnt my fault, theres nothing I could have done, that I've been great since we moved in together. She said she felt that when she'd moved away from her Mums she had kind of gotten over me already, that before she had found it really hard being on her own but knowing that I was somewhere else, that it stopped her from reaching out to other people and made her feel isolated, but that after she moved she just didnt really feel sad anymore, she didnt miss me. She said that she thought everything would return to normal when we moved in together, that she would love me again fully when she was able to, when we were together, which had been my hope too. She said that feelings she had been attributing to work worries, or traveling, or her family, she thinks were actually caused by our relationship. She said she wondered whether if I had truly, madly loved her I would have moved in with her as soon as I graduated. And she said that the few days we had apart last week have made her see all this, have made her realise she doesnt love me anymore. She said "It’s like the light went out one day and I couldn’t get it to come on again" and "Every day I got off that train and rang the doorbell thinking ‘today will be the day I see him and my heart wakes up again’. But night after night I sat there feeling terrible and guilt-ridden for feeling so absent." After that I could deal with it - I left work early yesterday and went to London, called her and said "I'm in London, where are you, we need to talk". We talked about what happened, and both got very upset, but it didnt change anything. I dont want her to be with me and not be happy, and I equally dont want to constantly try to make her happy and fail, and be unhappy myself. But I really feel like all the baggage of my insecurities and clingyness and of her being the one who takes charge in the relationship and who I look to for decisions are problems whose causes have long since disappeared, or are recurring just because of the status quo, because thats how things have been thats how they are, and because of all the uncertainty we've both had over the last year. Its like as she became more unsure about us, I became more clingy and dependent on her and looked to her more to direct me, which made her less attracted to me and more unsure and things kept spiraling. And her being depressed in general didnt help. We clearly dont need any of these problems, and I cant think of a way for us to solve them without being apart. But I really feel like if we did sort them out then we would have a chance. I've talked to her about this, but although she cares about me a great deal it inevitably ends up annoying her. We connect on a level that I've never experienced before, and I know she feels similarly at least (as she said in her email "we find a lot of comfort in each other and connect in a way that we find difficult to connect with other people") and I just cant imagine loving anyone else, or being with anyone else. She is completely unique - I've never met anyone even remotely like her. And I cant stop thinking that I will never fall out of love with her - I just adore her. I find it hard enough to believe that she doesnt love me. I dont even know if shes sure, I dont think she does either. We've both said that if it is meant to be then it will happen in the future, but I can't see that happening, whatever happens - she lives too far away and I cant see us ever spending the time together in the right way to ever spark something. But I cant stop thinking about how well we are suited, about the past times we've had, about this all just being a big mess of us being apart too long and getting into bad habits of being around each other and interacting, and about us getting back together and being made for each other. Things were so perfect. I know the only way forward is to not think about a future for us, to learn to depend on myself and have my own life, to let us happen if we are going to in the future or to tell myself nothing will ever happen, but I don't feel like I can do anything but think about how we can be together. I cant cope here on my own; I'm alone, I dont know a single person in Oxford or nearby, I don't speak to my family much, I'm in a new job, and the few friends that I do have aren't the sort of people I can talk to about this. And every night I'm here in our bed that smells of her, in our flat that has bankrupt me, with all our memories and all her things. She was my best friend and my lover, and now I've got no one, and dont feel I've got anyone to turn to or talk to. She is who I would have talked to. I cant even leave the flat because I have the lease until June. I've got a guy coming to look at the spare room tonight, and she is going to come and get the rest of her things on the weekend. And I dont know what to do. Theres no way she'd move back with me. I know I have to pick up the pieces and be strong, stop calling her, sort out my own life, forget her, make some friends and get on with life without her. But the whole thing has left me completely lost. I dont know who I am or what I want to do with my life because all my plans revolved around her, I dont have anyone to talk to or anywhere to go and I just feel like I'm in a hole. I go to work everyday and sit in my office alone, and then come home and sit on my own and then cry myself to sleep. I've started smoking cigarettes again and have smoked weed almost every day since she left. I think my work is suffering too and now I'm worrying about that. I was so dependent on her. I know what I should do but its so hard and I dont think I can. I just want her back, I want to find some way to make everything ok. I cant stop thinking about us dating in 6 months time when we've worked out who we are, even though I might not even want her in 6 months. I cant stop thinking about her being with other men. Is there anything I can do? Is it stupid to think that the situation and the status quo of our relationship could be more of a problem than whether or not we love each other, that if we do love each other underneath it all then we will get back together in time? I know its stupid to keep thinking about it but I'm going nuts here. Please help, any advice is welcome.
Author Ed_Ca22 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 Thanks for your support Jasmine, it means a lot that someone thinks we still have a chance. Your advice about when she comes round really makes sense to me and will help me do whats right. I've re-read her email, and from her point of view it sounds like she is sure she doesnt love me any more - thats how she puts it. But I dont understand how she can decide that in just a few days. I really want to know whether she does or not. And I am really worried that she thinks she doesnt but that she is confused and is telling herself that to make it easier for us to be apart. I cant ask her how she feels because I've already done that enough, and told her how I feel and asked her if shes sure and asked her to come back. I've tried explaining how I feel we drifted apart, and when I explained things to her she did say she wasnt sure about her feelings but that right now she feels like her love for me has gone and that she feels better being apart from me. I know if I keep asking it will just push her further away and make her more sure of how she feels, or at least tell me it more bluntly, but Im terrified that if she isnt reminded of me she will just forget about me and get over me and not need me anymore, and there will be no chance for us. I think she really saw us moving in together as a last chance for us - that now there is no other way and that if we failed it doesnt matter how we feel, we are not right for each other. I wrote her an email yesterday to try and explain how I felt that we we got caught in a cycle of making our problems worse and not being able to talk about them or make them better, and that if we got out of the loop we might have a chance. I've explained this before and it hasnt made any difference, but I thought I'd have one last shot at telling her exactly how I feel and what I think. I told her that I loved her and I hope I wasnt too optimistic in the way I talked about our problems not being insurmountable. I think a big cause of our problem has been not having proper lives and friends and things to do outside of the relationship, and I realise we need to develop that. But surely by then she wont want me, she will be used to living in London without me and have friends to support her, and will not want to try even if she does still have feelings for me because it didnt work out last time? The problem is that we've got this far and she thinks 'what more can we do?'. She doesnt want things to repeat, and we would still be living apart and not be able to see each other too often which were are problems this time round. I havent spoken to her since I emailed, and am not going to call her even though I just want to call her and ask her if its true and to come back and stop messing around. But I know she isnt messing around and that she wont come back, so what hope is there? How will I know when its right to call her after all this? What would I do, ask her on a date? She would surely turn me down straight away. Do we become friends and then I ask her out? I dont think thats right because we will establish one thing and then change it. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about this and I'm just going on and on now, so I'm going to stop there.
Author Ed_Ca22 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 Shes coming to pick up her stuff today and I'm freaking out! I dont know what to do. I just want to tell her that I think we're soul mates and can we please have one more go. What the hell do I do? I feel so lost, she measn everything to me, I love her so much. What do I do? Can we have a future if she takes all her stuff? Please help!
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