Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

Hi all,

 

My GF and I of about a year and a half recently broke up. She has been living here with me for about a year. About a week ago, she picked up a bunch of stuff and took off.

 

We've got from being on a 'break' to being broken up in a matter of a week. She says she doesn't want to date me now, but won't say about the future. I know she is contacting former guy friends and guys she wants to hang out with. It seems clear she's hellbent on moving on.

 

We chatted online for about an hour last night (the first chance we've had for a good conversation at all) and she was very calculated and measure. She wanted to talk about "logistics" and getting her furniture out, etc.

 

My biggest problem is that I haven't even had a chance to really talk to her. She's coming tonight to pick up most of her clothes, kitchen stuff, etc. and said it would be easier for everyone if I'm not here (she's bringing a friend to help).

 

The thing is I truly "GET IT" now for the first time and know why she's upset and hurting. I've been treating her like crap. Not outwardly, but unwittingly I've been very jealous, controlling and she feels trapped. The problem is she's at the point where she doesn't think it can work for us. That we're too different. She doesn't think I can change. The thing is, I swear I can, and in many ways already have.

 

I see the error of my ways and from the bottom of my heart I want to, and believe I can change.

 

I just don't want her to completely cut me out of her life before she's had a chance to sit down and talk with me and understand that I'm sincere in this. It seems to be though she has no interest in getting together or seeing me face to face.

 

I've written her a long letter outlining how I feel and what I've learned and why I'm embarrassed about my behavior and my plans to correct things. She will get it today.

 

I guess I just don't know if that's all I can do at this point. Do I contact her friends and try to explain myself? I feel like this is getting worse by the day and I'm in desperation mode. The more resolute she gets and the more she's determined to never think about us again the harder it's going to be to get her to listen.

 

I know she still loves and cares about me...so it seems that her friends and family are involved in keeping her focused on following through on everything.

 

I'm just really struggling. No real sleep and very little food for 9 days will do that to you.

Posted

We have all gone through this..The lack of sleep and not wanting to eat because we simply dont feel hungry.. Its terrible to say the least.

 

But I think you shouldnt involve her family and friends in the problems you two are having. Its never a good thing. Trust me.

Im in the same situation as you in that my ex wont talk to me over his dead body.:mad: But pushing yourself and forcing her to talk to you wont help. Give her some time...And try not to be too pushy when your talking to her. Be understanding and be the man she fell in love with. Stay true to yourself.

Posted
Do I contact her friends and try to explain myself?

 

That would just tell her you are controlling as ever. Don't ever get friends and family involved

 

You want her back...leave her alone and be cool with her decisions

  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone. She apparently came over tonight to get some of her stuff. No idea for sure. It sucks as she didn't tell me when she was coming, didn't tell me when she left. I ended up driving an hour away to stay at my sister's house tonight as I need to try a new environment even if it's just for 1 night.

 

I did find out through my aunt though that she feels bad that I'm going through this, but she feels good about herself for the first time in a long while. It's so hard to hear how badly you've hurt the one person you love the most. It seems her mind is made up.

Posted

definitely DO NOT start calling her friends and/or family. people never know what they have until it's gone, huh? but in your case, i think you should just give her time to breathe. if it's meant to be, she'll come back to you... just make sure you've actually changed and that you WANT to change.

 

how were you controlling in the relationship? and how did you not realize it until it was too late?

 

as for the other guys she has lined up... how do you know about this? did she tell you or did you some how "spy" on her?

Posted

It sounds as if you're ready to change and you see the error of your ways. That's awesome!

 

You can now say to yourself, "well, too bad she will miss out on the new me."

 

"Another girl will be the lucky one because of what you have learned."

  • Author
Posted

I was controlling by not listening to what she was telling me she needed. She would talk about wanting to head out of town with a friend from work to go antiquing for the weekend and I didn't feel comfortable with it. She wanted to move out and split a 1 BR apartment with a friend so it would be MUCH closer to work (like 45 minutes) yet would still stay with me weekends and a couple nights per week.

 

I just felt like it was 'taking a step backwards' in our relationship. I didn't see that it was what she desperately needed in HER life. She told me, but I didn't listen.

 

I didn't realize it because I was so focused on doing what I thought was best to get us through things quickly so we could get married like we wanted to. I had concerns about her interaction with other guys (she's flirty) and I wanted us to spend a bunch of time together so we could work on relationship issues, but also because I LOVED spending time with her. It's when I was happiest. I think I just was so singularly focused and I thought that I knew best. I should have listened.

 

I know she's lining up other guys because she's contacting guys on facebook that she hasn't in months and is talking about just getting out of a really bad relationship. That doesn't bode well for her to come back.

 

I appreciate your kind words about me changing for the next 'lucky girl'. I just feel so disgusted with myself for putting her through everything I have and I so wish I could try to make up for what I've done. I'm crushed.

 

When you feel better about yourself without someone this soon after a breakup, chances are she's not interested in reconciling.

 

My biggest problem is that I am still in emergency mode. I'm trying to fix this. I just don't think I can.

 

It's going to hurt even more once I start to grasp the depth of the finality of the relationship....right now I'm in denial.

 

For what it's worth, I've decided I won't contact her family or friends for now. My best bet will be to continue to give her the space I've promised, and hope my friends and family who are in contact with her can eventually have influence. I found out she's grabbing dinner with my aunt and uncle next week...just down the road from our house. Ouch.

Posted
I didn't see that it was what she desperately needed in HER life. She told me, but I didn't listen.

 

Now it's time for you to listen...she thinks you are controlling. You contacting her in any shape or form will only make it worst. You can't fix it...all you can do is give her space and hope for the best.

  • Author
Posted

She emailed today. Talked about how much she appreciated the honesty in my letter, how it meant a lot to hear those things and that it must have been hard for me to write.

 

She also said that despite the fact it was a very touching, very heartfelt letter, she doesn't think it really changes how she feels right now. She's sorry that she can't say more, but she still really needs some space and time.

 

Essentially, the optimist in me wants to reach out for the scraps of hope like the fact she used terms like she doesn't "think" it changes how she feels "right now". In reality, she could easily be just being nice. But I hope it's just that she needs additional time and space.

 

At the same time she's planning to come by this weekend again to get more of her things.

 

If I'm totally honest, I'd have to say I feel like she doesn't see how we can try again because she doesn't think we're right for each other. At the same time she doesn't want to put herself in a box by saying we won't EVER date again. But, looking at it objectively, doesn't it seem like it's a permanent thing?

Posted
She emailed today. Talked about how much she appreciated the honesty in my letter, how it meant a lot to hear those things and that it must have been hard for me to write.

 

She also said that despite the fact it was a very touching, very heartfelt letter, she doesn't think it really changes how she feels right now. She's sorry that she can't say more, but she still really needs some space and time.

 

Essentially, the optimist in me wants to reach out for the scraps of hope like the fact she used terms like she doesn't "think" it changes how she feels "right now". In reality, she could easily be just being nice. But I hope it's just that she needs additional time and space.

 

At the same time she's planning to come by this weekend again to get more of her things.

 

If I'm totally honest, I'd have to say I feel like she doesn't see how we can try again because she doesn't think we're right for each other. At the same time she doesn't want to put herself in a box by saying we won't EVER date again. But, looking at it objectively, doesn't it seem like it's a permanent thing?

 

Unfortunately, yes, it does sound like it's a permanent thing...at least right now. I know that doesn't help matters, but the fact of the matter is as human beings, we're always free to have a change of heart.

 

That said, in order for YOU to heal, you have to pretend like this IS permanent that she will never be willing to try again, that she's moving on. Without that understanding, you'll never find peace.

 

Do not contact her or her friends/family. Give her time and space, and work on yourself, if not for the future with her, for a future with someone else.

×
×
  • Create New...