ahah2322 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 (edited) hi all, i am currently in a long term relationship of three years. i feel caught in a crossfire. my bf and i have not been getting along very well (i feel that he has been neglecting me quite a bit and we haven't felt close to one another in a long time) but he's been trying.. and i haven't been responding positively because i feel a little resentful.. i've just gotten to know my neighbour, 10 metres away, recently (truth be told, he first wrote me a letter expressing interest in pursuing a friendship with me). i have encountered many interested parties in my life- but this is the first time the person lives next door. i told my bf about it and he wasn't too happy about it. i think it's neccessary for me to state that i have few close friends, unlike my bf. i seem to have only surface-deep relationships with people.. after hanging out with my neighbour for abit(1 month plus), i feel that he's a pretty great friend to have. he is aware that i am in a long term relationship and it is totally platonic on surface level.. he totally enjoys my company. however his behaviour is really perplexing though. (unlike other friends, he puts in alot of effort, calls and messages me frequently, pays for everything, comes to see me when i'm down (even travelling to meet me when i'm feeling the blues so that i wouldn't have to go home alone) and lives just next door) i don't know if he's just totally friendly or not... are friends like that? i have no idea. but i really do enjoy his company. my boyfriend sensed that something was wrong- i.e. he's getting too friendly. i tell him about EVERYTHING my neighbour friend and i do together cos i want this to be a long term relationship based on trust and openness.. and he feels really strongly about this new-found friend to the extent that he is now stopping me from hanging out and talking to my neighbour. another thing, i can't help but compare my relationship with my neighbour friend with that of my bf and i. my neighbour treats me so so well... better than how my bf is treating me. my bf hasn't been showering me with attention while my neighbour has and this grave juxtaposition is causing a drift in my existing relationship. i wish that my bf will treat me the same way and i question his appreciation of me... in my mind, i find it unfathomable that a friend is treating me better than my bf of three years and i feel vexed. the truth is, i really see my neighbour as a good friend. i feel really confused. am i wrong for having a friend? or is my bf restricting me? (he's not the controlling type btw) what do you guys think? gosh, i'm really confused. Edited January 29, 2008 by ahah2322
4givrnt4gtr Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 you're getting from your neighboor what you arent getting from your bf. If your bf is really worried about your friendship with your neighboor, you should probably let your bf know what is it that your neighboor is providing that he isnt. Obviously let him know u still love him but u need him to be there for you in a more bf like level.
mulhollanddr22 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I've gone through the same feelings of being unappreciated by my long-term boyfriend, and it sucks- thinking back to the beginning of the relationship when he used to go out of his way to make you feel good and comparing it to how things are now. But I agree that you really need to talk to your bf about how unappreciated you feel instead of telling him everything about your friendship with your neighbor. I don't know if it's a guy thing, but chances are he's not going to know that you feel unappreciated and neglected unless you directly tell him, and talking all about your closeness with another guy is only going to make *him* feel neglected, jealous, and insecure. Also, it kind of sounds to me like your neighbor wants more than a platonic relationship. Paying for everything, frequently calling and texting, and driving to pick you up at faraway places do not sound like purely platonic actions to me. Have you told your neighbor about the problems you're having with your bf? I don't want to be overly cynical, but maybe he's trying to capitalize on that by doing everything to act the sensitive, caring guy who's always there for you, in contrast to what you told him you feel from your bf....
Author ahah2322 Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 well, the dilemma now is, i really want to be good friends with my neighbour. and i want my bf to be accepting of it. i would even introduce them to one another. but my bf simply won't have that.
Keara Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Maybe your bf knows your friend wants more then friendship. That's why he's not comfortable with the situation. How would you feel if you bf had a female friend who you believed wanted more then just friendship with your bf? It'd probably make you want to distance yourself and your bf from that girl. I highly doubt you'd want to invest time into getting to know her better. I also think your bf is right, and your "friend" wants more then friendship from the deal. I heard the greatest quote the other day. The grass is always greener on the other side when you don't water your own lawn. I take it to mean, if you don't put the energy and time into your own relationship and in making it great, then of course the way other men treat you is going to seem better. You've heard of "love banks"? The concept is if you continually withdraw from your SOs love bank, eventually they'll run out. But by making deposits regularly, then your SO has enough to share with you. I think both of you have been taking too many withdrawls and not enough deposits. It sounds like your bf is trying (I'm sure you are too), but what he's doing isn't what you really need in order to feel loved. You need to explain to him what things make you feel loved. Don't make him guess. If he guesses wrong and fails, its frustrating, its demoralizing. Tell him what you need. Like more quality time with you. More questions about your life. Little hugs and kisses, or notes just to say he loves you, etc. It won't ruin things just because you tell him what you need from him. It will actually make things better. Then ask him what he needs from you in order to feel loved. Talk to each other. You're using this friend as a surogate bf. That's unfair to your bf. Asking your bf to condone it, and be happy about you emotionally cheating on him isn't fair either. Either work with your bf to make your relationship one that is fulfilling to you, or leave the relationship.
Author ahah2322 Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 thank you so much keara! i think your post has succintly addressed the problem i'm facing. i feel so childish for not being able to recognize this. so keara, i heard the greatest quote today- The grass is always greener on the other side when you don't water your own lawn. thank you!
mental_traveller Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Your neighbour most likely finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you, that's why he is being so friendly. Normal friends do not act like that, especially ones of the opposite sex. I say this as a guy, having seen this behaviour countless times by other men. To us guys it is totally transparent, but to a lot of women they get suckered in and think it is genuine friendship. No it isn't, he's just establishing a presence with you, and then if you fall out with your bf, this "friend" will no doubt provide a shoulder to cry on. You'll think he's being sincere, then he'll make a pass at you, and in your confused and vulnerable state you may well go along with it. Your bf is aware of this, if not consciously then on an instinctive level, and that's why he's defensive. His instincts are almost certainly correct. Of course this neighbour is treating you well, it's because he doesn't have you (yet) so he is putting in a big effort to get your interest. If you were his gf of 3 years, he would almost certainly not be doing this. If you feel your bf's interest level is too low, then you gotta sort that out between the two of you. If you can't resolve it, then maybe it's time to break up and become single. So, be aware and forewarned. Personally I can't stand guys who try this "fake friends" approach to getting in a woman's pants. IMO it's deceptive and manipulative, and shows a lack of balls (i.e. they are too scared to make a direct approach). I would be careful of this guy, he sounds like a creep who is superficially friendly, but deep down he has less pleasant ulterior motives.
mental_traveller Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 well, the dilemma now is, i really want to be good friends with my neighbour. and i want my bf to be accepting of it. i would even introduce them to one another. but my bf simply won't have that. Why would your bf want to befriend a guy who he knows wants to persuade you into cheating on him? Your bf is more likely to want to knock the guy out. It's absolutely out of the question that your bf and this guy are gonna be friends, don't even think of going there. How would you feel if some girl was paying lots of attention to your bf, taking him out, buying him drinks etc, writing him notes, trying to get closer to him? Wouldn't you think suspiciously of that, like she was out to get your man? If your bf suggested you become friends with this girl, would you really feel comfortable with that?
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