Going crazy

[bligh]

Hi everyone,

 

I haven't posted in a few months, but I need advice. I'm the guy who is my wife's (i'll call her Ella)third husband, we have a two year old son together. We have been married 3 years. After marrying her, I slowly started to find out things about her past that were alarming to say the least.

 

It turns out that virtually nothing that she told me about past relationships was the truth. First, she has had ten times more lovers in the past than she had initially told me (80+). She also had two daughters put up from adoption, both from one night stands ( One when she was 19, one when she was 29).

Group sex in High School and College. (Several guys and her).

 

This was bad enough, but then I found out that she had slept with at least 10 guys and 2 women during her brief first marriage (one year)-including 3 of his friends - including two at once while husband was at church. before packing her bag and moving in with a married man while still married to the first guy. The second guy she bore 3 children with, and had several affairs on. When the youngest was old enough to go to school, she dumped the guy, that is when I met her.

 

The problem is, I have no idea where the woman I married went. She is pretty, smart, and can be charming but is always talking about others lack of morality and decorum. The women that I thought I married would not be capable of all the things that she has done. (fact, not speculation) . I had learned to live with these past things but here is the crux- Ella has been treating me for the past year exactly how she described treating her ex husbands. Criticism for everything, no sex, (once every other month tops)

talking to me in a derogatory manner, ect. She is now traveling out of town about twice a month and I cannot get it out of my head that she is either in, or about to start an affair. I don't know what to do, and it is driving me crazy- can't sleep, eat, work suffering, ect.

 

I don't think I am being paranoid based on her past, but can't see that she has done anything yet. I'm sorry that this somewhat like my original post, but am stuck in the 9th circle of hell and can't get out of it. She refuses to talk about anything but my failings, and says that her past was "just something that I was going through" and none of my business. I would just let it reside in the past, if I didn't feel like history was repeating itself.

 

Thanks

[IM5150]

Hi everyone,

 

I haven't posted in a few months, but I need advice. I'm the guy who is my wife's (i'll call her Ella)third husband, we have a two year old son together. We have been married 3 years. After marrying her, I slowly started to find out things about her past that were alarming to say the least.

 

It turns out that virtually nothing that she told me about past relationships was the truth. First, she has had ten times more lovers in the past than she had initially told me (80+). She also had two daughters put up from adoption, both from one night stands ( One when she was 19, one when she was 29).

Group sex in High School and College. (Several guys and her).

 

This was bad enough, but then I found out that she had slept with at least 10 guys and 2 women during her brief first marriage (one year)-including 3 of his friends - including two at once while husband was at church. before packing her bag and moving in with a married man while still married to the first guy. The second guy she bore 3 children with, and had several affairs on. When the youngest was old enough to go to school, she dumped the guy, that is when I met her.

 

The problem is, I have no idea where the woman I married went. She is pretty, smart, and can be charming but is always talking about others lack of morality and decorum. The women that I thought I married would not be capable of all the things that she has done. (fact, not speculation) . I had learned to live with these past things but here is the crux- Ella has been treating me for the past year exactly how she described treating her ex husbands. Criticism for everything, no sex, (once every other month tops)

talking to me in a derogatory manner, ect. She is now traveling out of town about twice a month and I cannot get it out of my head that she is either in, or about to start an affair. I don't know what to do, and it is driving me crazy- can't sleep, eat, work suffering, ect.

 

I don't think I am being paranoid based on her past, but can't see that she has done anything yet. I'm sorry that this somewhat like my original post, but am stuck in the 9th circle of hell and can't get out of it. She refuses to talk about anything but my failings, and says that her past was "just something that I was going through" and none of my business. I would just let it reside in the past, if I didn't feel like history was repeating itself.

 

Thanks

 

 

This sounds like the beginning of something going on. I looked for clues in how you said she's acting with you and I can see that I talked to my wife in a derogatory way too. I am a MM having an A with OW. Keep an eye on her for sure, especially with that past.

[Bryanp]

If I were you I would be scared out of mind that you are at great risk for contacting some type of STD. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. She had no problem lying to you and clearly is a serial cheater. After what you have found out and her current behavior I would be looking for an attorney. It sounds like she has played you for a complete fool.

[Chrome Barracuda]

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

That's my advice plain and simple. Cheating with men and women during her first marriage?!?!

 

And wtf you know and still married her anyway's???

 

WTF?

 

Dude, this is sheer lunacy and your a dumbass if you stay with a woman as toxic as that. On paper in hindsight would you have married a woman with that track record???

[Mustang Sally]

Yikes.

That's some signigicant promiscuity you've described, there.

I would view that as a major red flag that she is unstable.

 

Very odd to me that she could have misrepresented herself so dramatically to you as well. i.e. pathologic liar? I dunno. Just a thought.

[eastcoastMan]

from the National Institute of Mental Health website...

 

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all.

 

--------

 

I sense there is something mental going on with your wife. Try lots of communication and perhaps a good marriage counselor.

 

Good luck!

[bligh]

Thanks everyone for your comments. Barracuda- like I said, I found all this out AFTER I married her. The BPD post was interesting, I have wondered for some time if this was the problem.