mulhollanddr22 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 *I'm really sorry this post is so long- I just wanted to get it all out there. I'd really, really appreciate help on this!!* Let me start by saying that I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and am very much in love with him, want to make him happy, can see us having a future together, etc. But recently we've been going through a difficult space and I'm really confused as to what it all means... For the past few months I've been feeling like he's creating a distance btw us (consciously or unconsciously)- for example, not calling as often, not making as much effort to get together, sometimes acting cold and uncommunicative. I tried bringing it up, but he assured me that there was nothing wrong and that he sometimes just needed time to himself. I didn't really understand why he suddenly started needing this extra time to himself, but I let it go and hoped for the best, since a lot of the time things are really great btw us. But his changing behavior has remained an issue. Then over the weekend things got really intense: on Sat he came down with the flu, so I brought over some food I had cooked and tried to cheer him up and make him feel better. He said he felt better on Sunday, and we were hanging out that morning and afternoon. Late in the afternoon he started to get in one of those uncommunicative "leave me alone" moods, so I just hung around but didn't try talking to him much, since I thought that was what he wanted. Then, that night, he told me that he was feeling really bad and that there was something we needed to talk about next week, but that he didn't want to talk about it now because he was tired and sick. I was annoyed that he would drop such an ominous big hint and then refuse to explain, so I asked him to just tell me now at least what it was about so I wouldn't be wondering. He finally said he was doubting whether I loved him, because for example tonight when he was sick I had barely paid any attention to him! I was totally shocked and still am. I assured him of how much I love him and see a future for us together. For a while now I've been doubting whether *he* loves *me,* and I told him so, and also that I thought this was one of those times when he was in a bad mood and he wanted to be left alone, and I'm not able to read his mind as to what he's feeling if he doesn't communicate it. He agreed that he sometimes is really moody and has changed to act cold sometimes, but also we had a long discussion about how my insecurity is taking a toll on our relationship. It's true that I always blame myself for things and am really hard on myself (natural tendency exascerbated by bad past relationships, I think). We both agreed that our relationship hasn't been as good recently as it was before, and agreed to work on repairing it. But I don't know how to do it- he claims he recognizes that he's moodier and sometimes acts really distant and cold, but says he doesn't know why. I asked him to think about it as I think it's important, but I'm really not sure where to go from here. I also don't know how to just get over my insecurities and anxiety. I'm really stressed out about this situation- what can I do to make things better???
serial muse Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Well, first of all, try not to take on more responsibility than is yours! He admits to his uncommunicativeness and moodiness, and periodic withdrawals - and of course that's going to exacerbate your feelings of insecurity. He needs to take his fair share of responsibility for creating an uncertain situation here, and it's not just a matter of what you need to do to make it better. What has he offered to do, aside from acknowledging his moodiness? I do think it's a good sign that he brought it up to you - and perhaps you both share responsibility for tiptoeing around each other and not addressing this issue. But you mentioned that you tried to bring it up with him and he brushed it off. Does he acknowledge this? Something isn't adding up here. From what you've said, he should understand what he's brought to this situation, but instead he's laying it on you, and you appear to have a habit of accepting that blame. Don't! Take your fair share, yes, but hold him accountable for his, too.
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