thankful15289 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I just want to thank everyone for the great advice. I'm a MM who has feelings for another woman. I finally admitted this to myself last night, and I haven't been sure what to do. I can see now that the best thing to do is to never contact her again and put my effort into my marriage. Fortunately I don't have to see her at work or school. I spent all of last night feeling sorry for myself, and now I see how selfish I have been. I feel like I sidestepped a bullet. Thanks again!
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I know you probably don't want to hear this, but talk to your wife about your feelings for the OW. Maybe by telling her the truth it will prevent an A from happening, let alone allow you and your wife to reconnect and focus on meeting eachothers needs, communicating and making your marriage better. How far did it go?
Meaplus3 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I just want to thank everyone for the great advice. I'm a MM who has feelings for another woman. I finally admitted this to myself last night, and I haven't been sure what to do. I can see now that the best thing to do is to never contact her again and put my effort into my marriage. Fortunately I don't have to see her at work or school. I spent all of last night feeling sorry for myself, and now I see how selfish I have been. I feel like I sidestepped a bullet. Thanks again! It look's like you have taken the first correct step in order to move on..give yourself a pat on the back for that. While yes you have been selfish, we can all make a mistake. Was this an ea ofr a pa? AP:)
Lyssa Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I can see now that the best thing to do is to never contact her again and put my effort into my marriage. That's what you should be doing now, yes! Forget her (it's easier said than done but it can be done!) and concentrate on making your M work. I'm sure you love your W more than you think you do, if not you wouldn't want to let go and work on your M. I wish you all the best and always remember that whenever the urge comes up (to contact OW), come over here and post! I'm sure there are plenty here who would help you go through NC smoothly!
cj1988 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Good for you ! You have won half the battle by admitting this to yourself, now admit it to your W. She will be hurt, but that is the ONLY way to get over this and move on in the right direction. Be patient and honest with her and your self. As long as you have not crossed the line yet ( not enough info to know) then you are doing well... !
IM5150 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I don't get it. He just said he had feelings for someone else. He didn't act upon those feelings. He's done nothing wrong. It's normal to have fantasies about other people as long as you don't act upon them. I'm no one to give advise because I'm in a rut myself but come on people. Tell his wife just because he has feelings about someone else? I say forget the girl, keep it to yourself. If you go beyond thoughts of her and make physical contact or begin an emotional relationship then yes, you have gone further than you should and you can decide to tell your W at that point. This is coming from a MM. The advise you are getting to tell your wife is coming from peeps that have been cheated on. Correct me if i wrong?
jj2007 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 (edited) I don't get it. He just said he had feelings for someone else. He didn't act upon those feelings. He's done nothing wrong. It's normal to have fantasies about other people as long as you don't act upon them. I'm no one to give advise because I'm in a rut myself but come on people. Tell his wife just because he has feelings about someone else? I say forget the girl, keep it to yourself. If you go beyond thoughts of her and make physical contact or begin an emotional relationship then yes, you have gone further than you should and you can decide to tell your W at that point. This is coming from a MM. The advise you are getting to tell your wife is coming from peeps that have been cheated on. Correct me if i wrong? This coming from a cake eater that likes to fantasize about his OW while with his family! You are on that slippery slope and you know it so don't try to drag others down with you. Your OW is going to chew you up and spit you out but you won't see it until it's too late. OP: Congrats! Stay strong you are going great! The reason you should tell your wife is because there is a reason why you were attracted to someone else and it sounds like you need to be totally honest about your feelings so there is a smaller chance of this happening again. Rebuilding the foundation you know? Good luck! Edited January 29, 2008 by jj2007
lost4ever Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I agree, no need to tell the wife if nothing happened. Sure you should have a talk about how you feel you are growing apart and would like to re-ignite the fire, but tell you were lusting someone else...why?
nadiaj2727 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I agree, no need to tell the wife if nothing happened. Sure you should have a talk about how you feel you are growing apart and would like to re-ignite the fire, but tell you were lusting someone else...why? To have her stop you from going down that slippery slope. Right now he feels strong that he should focus on his wife, but the next time he sees/ thinks about OW, he might feel weak. Affairs are just like that... no one *wants* to be in them, they feel they just "happened" to them. So I think, in order to MAKE SURE they don't happen, total honesty and disclosure is necessary in a strong relationship. I wish I had told my ex-fiance when I was "just thinking about" xMM... at the time, I never thought I would actually do anything. Then I ended up becoming a betrayer and part of another betrayal. Now I realize the real problem wasn't just that I did something but that I wasn't honest with myself or my partner that I *wanted* to do something, nor did I examine why. Just my two cents, based on my past experience aka horribly bad decisions. I know some people are stronger than I am / thought I was.
Author thankful15289 Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 I hate to say it but nadiaj2727 is right. I know myself too well, and while I feel strong now I know I will miss the OW and feel weak and want to call her. Then I'll go see her and something will just "happen" because I want it to. I'm sure my wife knows how I feel anyway. She's not dumb, and I'm not good at hiding my feelings, so I'm sure she picks up on how I feel. The OW probably knows how I feel too and I feel that she is waiting for me to make a move on her (she's really flirtatious with me). This is obviously a disaster waiting to happen. I don't want to tell my wife but I know I have to.
IM5150 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I hate to say it but nadiaj2727 is right. I know myself too well, and while I feel strong now I know I will miss the OW and feel weak and want to call her. Then I'll go see her and something will just "happen" because I want it to. I'm sure my wife knows how I feel anyway. She's not dumb, and I'm not good at hiding my feelings, so I'm sure she picks up on how I feel. The OW probably knows how I feel too and I feel that she is waiting for me to make a move on her (she's really flirtatious with me). This is obviously a disaster waiting to happen. I don't want to tell my wife but I know I have to. OK well, now your opening up a bit. You want to call her? You have her phone number then? She's being flirtatious with you. Could be innocent flirting, i do it all the time, doesn't amount to anything if there are no feelings there but if you do have feelings then it can amount to something else. I still hold my ground on not telling the W. I don't think she needs to hear this from you if there's nothing going on between you and OW. I've had some feelings every now and then with girls. If i told my wife everytime I had a feeling she'd be a train wreck. If you just take your mind off of OW for a while those feelings you have will subside. It's only when you start something that your feelings will grow stronger. I once told my wife that I had an attraction to a girl at work. It made her cry and she probably felt insecure. Nothing ever happened with that girl and I lost any attractions I had for her quickly after that. So I look back and told myyself that I told my wife for nothing.
feelingtorn Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I don't get it. He just said he had feelings for someone else. He didn't act upon those feelings. He's done nothing wrong. It's normal to have fantasies about other people as long as you don't act upon them. I'm no one to give advise because I'm in a rut myself but come on people. Tell his wife just because he has feelings about someone else? I say forget the girl, keep it to yourself. If you go beyond thoughts of her and make physical contact or begin an emotional relationship then yes, you have gone further than you should and you can decide to tell your W at that point. This is coming from a MM. The advise you are getting to tell your wife is coming from peeps that have been cheated on. Correct me if i wrong? ditto. why should he tell his W when nothing happened? I more than often agree with everyone here, but never quite get the must-confess-everything-policy. I am not saying that you shouldn't confess, BUT there's a time and a place for everything.
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 OK well, now your opening up a bit. You want to call her? You have her phone number then? She's being flirtatious with you. Could be innocent flirting, i do it all the time, doesn't amount to anything if there are no feelings there but if you do have feelings then it can amount to something else. Are you joking me? This is the advice you're giving this guy? The part I bolded, uhh, hello, can we say EGO TRIP? The intention of sexual flirting IS there and it's not just innocent and platonic banter between two people. HE knows (meaning the original poster) that's wrong and disrespectful to his wife. How would either of you like it if your wives were off flirting with some young hot guy, lusting after him, flirting away...I bet it would make you sick to stomach, let alone make you feel hurt, mistrust your wives..
IM5150 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Are you joking me? This is the advice you're giving this guy? The part I bolded, uhh, hello, can we say EGO TRIP? The intention of sexual flirting IS there and it's not just innocent and platonic banter between two people. HE knows (meaning the original poster) that's wrong and disrespectful to his wife. How would either of you like it if your wives were off flirting with some young hot guy, lusting after him, flirting away...I bet it would make you sick to stomach, let alone make you feel hurt, mistrust your wives.. OK, OK, I guess I' looking at it from my point of view. My work requires me to make girls feel good about themselves. It's part of my job and sometimes it can come across as being a little flirty with them but it means nothing. I think it's a healthy thing.
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Yes it is a healthy thing when it's innocent banter/flirting and it's nice to give someone afew compliments, make them smile. It isn't a healthy thing when the flirting is sexually charged and filled with intentions of it possibly leading elsewhere. I hate to say it but nadiaj2727 is right. I know myself too well, and while I feel strong now I know I will miss the OW and feel weak and want to call her. Then I'll go see her and something will just "happen" because I want it to. Then all you can do is tell the OW that it is over and never to contact you again. Tell your wife that you miss her and want to reconnect and be intimate, work hard to meet eachothers needs. I'm sure all that love and affection IS inside you, it's just been buried because of the OW. It can come back, if you really it to. I'm sure my wife knows how I feel anyway. She's not dumb, and I'm not good at hiding my feelings, so I'm sure she picks up on how I feel. The OW probably knows how I feel too and I feel that she is waiting for me to make a move on her (she's really flirtatious with me). This is obviously a disaster waiting to happen. I don't want to tell my wife but I know I have to. Yes, I'm sure her gut is telling her something is off. let's put it this way, if she ASKS you outright if there is someone else, tell her the truth. Don't lie to her.
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