asaxena76 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Hello everyone, I met this girl (lets call her M) through an online dating site 4 years back. I found her nice but couldn't feel physically attracted to her. I had to fly out to see her so when I came back I just got lost. She tried to contact me but I thought it would be unfair to her so I didn't give any response. Well, fast forward 2 years, I had a whirlwind romance with another girl but broke up with her because I was (rightly) sure that though I was very attracted to her physically we just weren't connecting at the deep emotional and intellectual level that I craved for. Then one day , out of the blue this girl M calls me and we have a great conversation. Since that day we have been having long phone calls , first every week , then gradually almost everyday. So much so that unless I talk to her I feel my day is incomplete. We share so many things together , we can understand each other intuitively, she is my equal if not more in terms of intellect as well as personality. We have met face to face a total of 9 days since then (over a period of two years) and those days have been a blast. We had a blast, had great sex and felt very connected to each other. So whats the problem? Try as I might , I am just not able to get over her looks. As long as I talk to her and am engaged in some conversation with her I feel great. But the moment I see someone good looking , I get the sinking feeling that I am doing a great injustice to myself as well as this girl by continuing this path. I know that I will probably not get a girl who I am so well intellectually and emotionally matched up with , though I would probably get a girl more physically attractive. The fact that we are in a LDR has just compounded this problem and has added to the confusion. On the other hand, I also think it had made me not focus on her looks for a change and thats the reason I found out what a wonderful person she really is. So now I am in a dilemma , should I continue with this person or should I break up. I have talked to her about this . I haven't told her that I don't feel physically attracted to her. I don't have the heart for that. But I have told her that I am confused and not very sure and asked her to give me some time. So now we have planned a 10 day vacation to Italy , all the romantic places including Venice. I want to for once stop judging her and open myself to her and start feeling something. I have decided to give her this chance and hopefully I will feel that BANG. What do you think people, if there is enough emotional connection, can I get over her looks ? Or will I continue fantasizing about others and make mine and her life miserable. Any pointers on how I should make best use of the upcoming vacation to sort out my feelings. Thanks for listening. -Confused
Author asaxena76 Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 It might help that I am 32 and the girl is 29
jerbear Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Chemistry... You have chemistry with her but when another woman walks by you look. Even if you have a 10+ woman in front of you and a topless woman walks by, you will still look at the other woman. Sounds like a typical guy to me. If after the Italy trip and you don't feel the bang then tell her. In my opinion I think you see her as safe and want to see if the grass is greener on the other side.
BlueEyedGirl Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Despite everything else, you can't have a relationship without physical chemistry... Beleive me I have tried.. It's only once you have physical chemistry that you look for intellectual and emotional connection.
niifawm Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 IMHO, Looks are not important in long term. These are just here for the first interaction. Once two people have great chemistry between them, then it hardly matters how do they look alike. Tell me, you are 32 and she is 29. Think about 10 year down the line. Do you think, the looks will be important at that time? At that time, the emotional support and understanding between the two is more important. Another thing that confused me is that, If you are really emotionally involved with this lady then how can you look at other women? It means something is missing in the story or you yourself don't know about you. Once you are so emotionally involved with a person and have so much respect, you will never look at other person with that intention, whomsoever he/she is. It just comes automatically and this shows your commitment level towards a relationship. That's why there is a saying that, personally settled people are successful in professionally too because they have one direction in life and won't get disturbed by people around them. I hop, I am making sense here and will give some light to you. All the best...
iowajournal Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I feel that as long as you can become reasonably aroused by her you will be ok. For me the criteria is slender, feminine, no substance use, open mind, cool attitude. I can deal with plain looks, nothing special is ok. Relating on other levels is what will make the relationship last in the longterm.
fral945 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I'm in a similar situation, though not as serious as you. I'm 28, and I've been dating this girl (who is 22) for maybe a month. Intellectually, she's my equal, which is hard to find. I relate to her much better than most girls. I live in a fairly small town so it's hard to find people with a college education who I can converse with on many subjects. Physically, though, well, she's not nearly what I want. I'm a fitness buff who eats healthy, works out daily, and I stay in pretty good shape. She, on the other hand, does none of the above. She probably is at least 50-60 lbs. overweight. She's not completely unattractive, but it's hard to get over the fact that she probably weighs more than me (and I weight about 170 lbs). The extra weight is a major turn-off for me. Sure, she might lose weight one day, but that's a big if. I'm not sure, but to be honest, I don't think I'm going to keep dating her much longer. The physical is too important to me at this point in my life. The reality is if you don't get sexual satisfaction in a relationship you will look elsewhere. I see it as a balancing act, you've got to find someone that is sexually attractive (but maybe not a bombshell), enough to satisfy you, but also someone you can connect with on an emotional level. Easier said than done, I know, but that's how I see it.
norajane Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 We had a blast, had great sex and felt very connected to each other. You had great sex, but you're not physically attracted to her?
JamesM Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Yes, looks are important. But friendship and connection are also important. Beauty IS only skin deep. And I mean that in the sense of what everyone around you feels is beautiful. What is important is that YOU think she is beautiful. Does that mean she is a Miss America? Not necessarily, but to you, she could be Miss Universe. To you her smile, face and figure is attractive, and because you know her through conversation and memories and experiences, you can consider her even more beautiful. My wife is beautiful to me for many reasons, but part of it is definitely from experiences and memories. However, the first time I laid my eyes on her, there was something different about her. And when I "fell in love" with her and began dating, her beauty made my heart flutter and my stomach do somersaults. To this day, I can remember the place, time and what she was wearing when I looked at her from a few feet away (before I really knew her) and considered her the most beautiful woman I had ever met. Funny thing is...after almost twenty years, she looks even better. Go figure. So, from my experience, I can say without a doubt that looks are important. Question...what about her is NOT attractive to you when you compare her to other women?
Author asaxena76 Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Chemistry... You have chemistry with her but when another woman walks by you look. Even if you have a 10+ woman in front of you and a topless woman walks by, you will still look at the other woman. Sounds like a typical guy to me. If after the Italy trip and you don't feel the bang then tell her. In my opinion I think you see her as safe and want to see if the grass is greener on the other side. I think you are right. I do see her as a safe bet and boy I would love it if she weren't. The grass is always greener on the other side agreed. But I do want to at least like the grass on this side. I know I am sounding like a dick. But trust me , I have tried really hard to be attracted to her. Maybe its just that I haven't seen her enough , face to face .Or maybe I just want to be challenged. I am hoping I will find some answers if i spend 10 days with her. I really want to like her and give her all that she needs and deserves. I definitely don't want to treat her as if I am being charitable to her.
Author asaxena76 Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Despite everything else, you can't have a relationship without physical chemistry... Beleive me I have tried.. It's only once you have physical chemistry that you look for intellectual and emotional connection. I know physical chemistry is very important. But I also think that its not everything. Maybe I will like her more when I am physically close to her. You can't get everything in life anyways. Somewhere you should be able to compromise a little as well. Besides, she has her own beauty, she just looks very different from the image of a ideal girl in my mind. I just wanted to know, whether someones physical attractiveness in your eyes if you spend more time with them or not. So far I think the answer is yes.
j_hunt_12 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 The first time I saw my current GF I asked myself if she is attractive enough to date (i always ask myself this the first time I meet a girl). It was a very hesitant yes, but I still was attracted to her by her personality. Now she looks even a lot better, but still not amazing.. Nonetheless, I'm very attracted to her in all ways including physical. You said that you have great sexual chemistry... I think that qualifies as physical attraction. The thing I've noticed is that physical attraction increases as you spend more time with somebody. I have found myself attracted to girls that are very "sub-par" sometimes just because I spend time with them. You're probably just a little embarassed to have her as a GF, you want a little more of a trophy GF probably. I had these same feelings, but I got over them. And yes I find myself looking at other girls. I just tell myself none of these girls will actually make me happy like mine will and I'm just bored (I'm in LDR too). Honestly, you seem happy with her from your post and you shouldn't let that go. If you said that you were completely not attracted to her it would be a different story. Looks are important, but once you're attracted to each other, it should no longer be an issue. Being hot just gets you there quicker.
BlueEyedGirl Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I know physical chemistry is very important. But I also think that its not everything. Maybe I will like her more when I am physically close to her. You can't get everything in life anyways. Somewhere you should be able to compromise a little as well. Besides, she has her own beauty, she just looks very different from the image of a ideal girl in my mind. I just wanted to know, whether someones physical attractiveness in your eyes if you spend more time with them or not. So far I think the answer is yes. No, you shouldn't go there. Not cheating is difficult for men even when they are with someone they have been/are madly attracted to. Your chances of cheating are about million times higher if you have never felt true lust for your partner. You will only end up hurting her and yourself. I'm fully emotionally and intellectually compatible with few of my girlfriends, yet I will never have a relationship with them. Physical attraction is the only thing that differentiates "love" you feel for family and friends and "love" you feel for your parnter.
malaclypse Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I found her nice but couldn't feel physically attracted to her. Leave her alone. You will only end up hurting her. It's not going to work. Been there, done that. The best thing you can do is break it off as soon as possible. Maybe, after a few months, you can become friends...
GoodOnPaper Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Any pointers on how I should make best use of the upcoming vacation to sort out my feelings. Do some soul-searching and figure out exactly what you find physically attractive in women. It may not completely align with what society says is ideal, and that's OK. I know physical chemistry is very important. But I also think that its not everything. Maybe I will like her more when I am physically close to her. You can't get everything in life anyways. Somewhere you should be able to compromise a little as well. You're setting yourself up for settling -- not a good idea. Yes, you are probably too picky if you dump a girl because she eats her peas one at a time instead of "scooping" them. But physical satisfaction in a relationship (however you define that to be) is too important of a factor for someone to make a half-sure decision on continuing that relationship. Physical attraction is the only thing that differentiates "love" you feel for family and friends and "love" you feel for your parnter. From my experience, the early physical attraction is actually necessary to establish long-term intimacy. If there are issues with the early physical attraction (again, from my experience), it can become very difficult to be completely open with your partner (because you've been hiding something from the very beginning), and this sort of stress continues to build and build through the years.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I think physical attraction is important. Gotta like whatcha see.
spookie Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I think sexual attraction is important, but I don't necessarily think "good looks" = that, and I think disqualifying someone based on looks, even though the sex is great, is a really dumb thing to do, cause it's motivated entirely by how "well" you think you can do according to society's definition of what is better. In this situation, it sounds like you DO have physical chemistry... you're just concerned by the fact that she's not as appealing visually as other girls you might be able to date. But ask yourself whether that really matters, if with this girl you can be happy, can have all teh components of a great relationship.
Author asaxena76 Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 (edited) IMHO, Looks are not important in long term. These are just here for the first interaction. Once two people have great chemistry between them, then it hardly matters how do they look alike. Tell me, you are 32 and she is 29. Think about 10 year down the line. Do you think, the looks will be important at that time? At that time, the emotional support and understanding between the two is more important. Another thing that confused me is that, If you are really emotionally involved with this lady then how can you look at other women? It means something is missing in the story or you yourself don't know about you. Once you are so emotionally involved with a person and have so much respect, you will never look at other person with that intention, whomsoever he/she is. It just comes automatically and this shows your commitment level towards a relationship. That's why there is a saying that, personally settled people are successful in professionally too because they have one direction in life and won't get disturbed by people around them. I hop, I am making sense here and will give some light to you. All the best... Thanks for the reply. I think one part of the problem is that I don't yet feel very very deeply about her. I know I am attracted to her but the intensity is still not there. The intensity has increased steadily over the past year or so and thats great but still not quite as strong as I would want to. I think that I have not allowing myself to feel it simply because of the looks factor. Honestly, I can't figure out any other reason why I should not be her besides the looks fixation. Do you think, I should try and move in with her before we talk about anything serious ? Edited January 30, 2008 by asaxena76
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