My wife came over, and now i have no idea

[CaliGuy]

Wow.. talk about being an enabler! You are trying to 'show' her that he's no good by contacting him like this?

 

I keep telling you, you need to start some tough love. Re-read my posts. Continue as you are, and even if she ditches this man, it's only a matter of time before she finds another.

 

I urge you to get the book 'Love must be tough'. No more contact with this OM. Open that cage door for your wife as far as you can. Let her fly away. Urge her to. Get her to really think about what she is doing. That's the only way.

 

I don't know what else to tell you, at some point in time you are going to have to take either mine or someone else's advice on here. Don't expect any changes, until you start making them yourself first.

 

OP, please listen to this advice.

 

"Love Must Be Tough" Dr. James Dobson.

 

Until you get and read this book, the gravity of what JMargel is trying to show you will never be realized.

 

Please, please get and read the book.

[bigmanpayne]

Wow.. talk about being an enabler! You are trying to 'show' her that he's no good by contacting him like this?

 

I keep telling you, you need to start some tough love. Re-read my posts. Continue as you are, and even if she ditches this man, it's only a matter of time before she finds another.

 

I urge you to get the book 'Love must be tough'. No more contact with this OM. Open that cage door for your wife as far as you can. Let her fly away. Urge her to. Get her to really think about what she is doing. That's the only way.

 

I don't know what else to tell you, at some point in time you are going to have to take either mine or someone else's advice on here. Don't expect any changes, until you start making them yourself first.

 

 

i am not sure if you understand what i am saying. re-read my last post. i did contact him, that wasn't the right thing to do. i am not saying i should have done it. it was a mistake on my part. i did that about 10 days ago. i was just sharing the story so that you can understand where i arrived at my conclusion of just leaving her and this situation alone. i am agreeing with you to a certain extent. i agree with damn near EVERYTHING that you have said. i have read your posts, i hear you. but there is no tough love. that is where we differ. there is no love at all. i still love her of course, but i am done. i am not going to talk to her, give her any ultimatums or try to get her to realize anything. that is all that i am saying. i shared those things about her boyfriend because i was trying to get everyone to see how pathetic i thought i was being and how the situation is and why i have just given up. thats all i am saying.

 

i will help my kids and take care of myself. that is my focus. yesterday a woman at work who i really trust shared her experiences with me and it added to what i have read here and what a therapist said, and what others have told me. she told me that she had an almost exact situation with her ex-husband years ago. she was much younger and told me how she thought and acted back then and how she wishes she had handled it if only she had the wisdom that she does today. that conversation helped me immensely. yesterday wasnt even as tough a day as all the others have been over the past few weeks. i have no power. i can not change anything. this is my battlecry. i have to live life and take care of my children. this situation has been consuming me and that isn't fair to me or my kids.

 

i will file divorce papers. i already have all of the paperwork i need, and have made an appointment for the 19th to see my attorney. i am done. that is what i meant in my last post. i am just done. the situation is just too weird and frustrating. my wife and i have known each other for almost our entire lives. we have officially been together for almost 12 years, married for almost 8. she knows how good of a person i am, how great of a life we have (unlike anybody that we know - no lie) and how truly amazing our kids are. i am not just saying that either. i am a very honest person adn i tell you my kids are fantastic. hardly any real trouble, and both have great hearts and spirits. my wife knows this and yet she still wont get the help she needs. i cant do anything for her. i love her but have to just let her be. that is what i was saying. i am not going to try to get her see what she is doing to me and our kids, i am not going to try any tough love, i am just done. i know that she will never leave him, and furthermore she doesnt want to deal with the guilt or the shame associated with seriously changing her life and making new and smarter decisions. i am done.

 

i dont even feel the anxiety that i have felt for the past couple of weeks over this situation. i have thrown myself into my job, my side business, my kids and friends to keep myself occupied and i have not focused on this. i talked to the OM's father because his father called me. i did not seek him out or anything. i write here to share, to gather commentary, and you people have been fantastic! i do not know you, but you have no idea how much you have helped me. maybe i am wrong in the "no tough love" approach. i just want to get away from it. i have been so stupid and acted in ways that i don't normally act and almost became a person that i dont want to be. i am just done. thats what i meant in the earlier post. i was only disagreeing with the tough love aspect, nothing more.

[bigmanpayne]

She doesnt want to leave him because then she will end up feeling stupid for all the stupid ass things that she's done. She picked a coward for another man and this is what she deserved.

 

You take away the sex you give her and she has nothing.

 

Either she'll have sex with him or she'll cheat on him with someone else.

 

Therefore proving the theory that once a cheater always a cheater.

 

She isnt your wife anymore, file for those divorce papers asap and quickly detach. This situation is just pathetic all around.

 

 

you are correct. i told her that. she will stick with him no matter what things he does or says because she absolutely will not be wrong. she wouldnt be able to face the fact that she messed up her life for nothing. that is the absolute truth. the coward stuff is the least of her problems. i am not currently having sex with her. i did that last weekend only. she has asked to do it again and for the forseeable future,but i did decline. i have absolutely no doubt that she will indeed cheat on him too. i have no reason why they arent having sex, but that guy has no idea who he is messing with. if she cant get it from him, she will get it elsewhere... BANK ON IT. read my last post, i am on the path (hopefully) to clarity and peace. this is a very pathetic situation made worse by my willing participation.

[CaliGuy]

i am not sure if you understand what i am saying. re-read my last post. i did contact him, that wasn't the right thing to do. i am not saying i should have done it. it was a mistake on my part. i did that about 10 days ago. i was just sharing the story so that you can understand where i arrived at my conclusion of just leaving her and this situation alone. i am agreeing with you to a certain extent. i agree with damn near EVERYTHING that you have said. i have read your posts, i hear you. but there is no tough love. that is where we differ. there is no love at all. i still love her of course, but i am done. i am not going to talk to her, give her any ultimatums or try to get her to realize anything. that is all that i am saying. i shared those things about her boyfriend because i was trying to get everyone to see how pathetic i thought i was being and how the situation is and why i have just given up. thats all i am saying.

 

i will help my kids and take care of myself. that is my focus. yesterday a woman at work who i really trust shared her experiences with me and it added to what i have read here and what a therapist said, and what others have told me. she told me that she had an almost exact situation with her ex-husband years ago. she was much younger and told me how she thought and acted back then and how she wishes she had handled it if only she had the wisdom that she does today. that conversation helped me immensely. yesterday wasnt even as tough a day as all the others have been over the past few weeks. i have no power. i can not change anything. this is my battlecry. i have to live life and take care of my children. this situation has been consuming me and that isn't fair to me or my kids.

 

i will file divorce papers. i already have all of the paperwork i need, and have made an appointment for the 19th to see my attorney. i am done. that is what i meant in my last post. i am just done. the situation is just too weird and frustrating. my wife and i have known each other for almost our entire lives. we have officially been together for almost 12 years, married for almost 8. she knows how good of a person i am, how great of a life we have (unlike anybody that we know - no lie) and how truly amazing our kids are. i am not just saying that either. i am a very honest person adn i tell you my kids are fantastic. hardly any real trouble, and both have great hearts and spirits. my wife knows this and yet she still wont get the help she needs. i cant do anything for her. i love her but have to just let her be. that is what i was saying. i am not going to try to get her see what she is doing to me and our kids, i am not going to try any tough love, i am just done. i know that she will never leave him, and furthermore she doesnt want to deal with the guilt or the shame associated with seriously changing her life and making new and smarter decisions. i am done.

 

i dont even feel the anxiety that i have felt for the past couple of weeks over this situation. i have thrown myself into my job, my side business, my kids and friends to keep myself occupied and i have not focused on this. i talked to the OM's father because his father called me. i did not seek him out or anything. i write here to share, to gather commentary, and you people have been fantastic! i do not know you, but you have no idea how much you have helped me. maybe i am wrong in the "no tough love" approach. i just want to get away from it. i have been so stupid and acted in ways that i don't normally act and almost became a person that i dont want to be. i am just done. thats what i meant in the earlier post. i was only disagreeing with the tough love aspect, nothing more.

 

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what to do. Best of luck to you and I hope you find a good woman, when you are ready, who will appreciate what you bring to the table.

 

Cheers.

[Chrome Barracuda]

you are correct. i told her that. she will stick with him no matter what things he does or says because she absolutely will not be wrong. she wouldnt be able to face the fact that she messed up her life for nothing. that is the absolute truth. the coward stuff is the least of her problems. i am not currently having sex with her. i did that last weekend only. she has asked to do it again and for the forseeable future,but i did decline. i have absolutely no doubt that she will indeed cheat on him too. i have no reason why they arent having sex, but that guy has no idea who he is messing with. if she cant get it from him, she will get it elsewhere... BANK ON IT. read my last post, i am on the path (hopefully) to clarity and peace. this is a very pathetic situation made worse by my willing participation.

 

 

Kick ass!!!

 

Gunny would be so proud.

 

The OM's a jackass but hey she's his problem now. Not yours.

 

One day she'll ask to reconsile I think you should slam the door right in her dam face. lol.

[jmargel]

You need to go with whatever your heart tells you. I always recommend to people not to make decisions based on emotion, but if you throughly thought this out and this is what you want, then go for it. Walk away knowing that you did everything you can, walk away without regret.

 

Putting your focus on other things is great, you need that distraction. Let your kids know that this is not their fault. Re-enforce this into them. Be there as much as possible for them.

 

Let your wife know of your plans, let her know that it's over. Let her know that it is because of her behavior, because of her immaturity and her selfishness. Let her know that there is no coming back.

 

Life can really suck at times. This is something you or your children did not deserve. I'm hoping this wakes her up so that she can get the help she needs. Not to come back into the marriage, but for her to straighten out her own emotional problems.

 

I know it might be tempting but try to not date anyone for awhile, they will end up being your rebound relationship. Glad we have been a help to you. As a last word to your wife, you should give her this site, your post on here. Let her read it. I would be more than happy to talk to her if she wanted.

 

Hang in there and stay strong. Keep up hope for the future.

[bigmanpayne]

You need to go with whatever your heart tells you. I always recommend to people not to make decisions based on emotion, but if you throughly thought this out and this is what you want, then go for it. Walk away knowing that you did everything you can, walk away without regret.

 

Let your wife know of your plans, let her know that it's over. Let her know that it is because of her behavior, because of her immaturity and her selfishness. Let her know that there is no coming back.

 

I know it might be tempting but try to not date anyone for awhile, they will end up being your rebound relationship. Glad we have been a help to you. As a last word to your wife, you should give her this site, your post on here. Let her read it. I would be more than happy to talk to her if she wanted.

 

hate to be a guy who makes a declaration, then calms down and has more questions but... today we had a situation pop up where i absolutely needed her help. i dont have an ID due to my son losing my wallet so i needed my wife's help. it is a money situation, and important for the sake of the kids and the house. i needed her to do somethign for me but couldnt get to her. i called her mother's and her sisters but she wasnt there. it was important so i called her at her boyfriend's. like i said before he is scared of me so he didn't pick up either of his phones. finally after the 15 call she answered. she said she would do something for me at a certain time but didnt do it, and now we (my kids and i) are going to suffer royally if she doesnt come through for us.

 

i am trying to just walk away but i dont know if i should have called her or not, even though she is the ONLY person who can help. what if something happens to the kids? should i call, or just take care of it. if they are in the ER should i just keep it to myself, or should i try to contact her. i hate that this situation came up because i was doing so well, now i am even more angry and quickly feel like i am back in the same spot as i was earlier this week. i dont know how to handle this situation, i have never been in a spot like this before. i wanted to just leave it alone, but i am not sure if mitigating circumstances will continue to come up (at least in the short run) that will make that impossible.

 

my wife will never read this. i asked her to read before and she avoided it. she doesnt want to hear anything that is contrary to what she is doing. like i said, she knows what she is doing is wrong, but if she runs and hides at his house, or sometimes her mother's house, she doesnt have to face it. if i try to make her face it, my kids and i will be screwed. i am absolutely freaking out right now about their well-being and i am not sure what she is doing. sometimes i get sooo stressed out. i am trying to calm down, trying not to go over to the OG house and kick the door in and kill him with my bare hands. i heard him laughing about my plight while i talked to her earlier. this sucks and i feel so weak and pathetic.

 

i feel like i am the only one that we know who thinks what is happening is a problem. everyone else just acts like its nothing! if i would have yelled at my wife too loud everyone we know would be screaming down my throat and threatening to disown me if i didnt apologize, but she leaves the kids and me and everyone is too scared or doesnt care enough to say anything. it is frustrating. thats why i wanted to just let it be and just not talk about it or her again. just help my kids and thats it. i will not be dating probably for a while. i just want to find things that make me happy and do those things. sorry for posting again, i feel like i am dumping on you, probably because i am.

[jmargel]

You are not commanding respect, that is why is continues to act this way. I would have called her, told her she needed to do this. If she refused, take her stuff, throw it outside. You need to stand up to her. You let her have all this power over you and she's making a mockery of you.

 

Women love confidence, it's what they seek for in men. You need to not only show but live it. Do it for yourself. You don't need her in your life. The reason why others maybe blowing it off, is because it's not affecting them personally. It's just that's how people are.

 

If your kids get sick, etc.. yes do call her. However, call her mom's once, let her mom know and then leave your wife a voicemail if she doesn't pick up. Also document everything. Stop calling this OM's house.

 

If you really want to burst her bubble, make her feel unimportant. She would love nothing more than for you and this OM to fight, since it's all about her. You need to deflate that ego of hers and the best way to do it is to move on.

 

Post here as much as you want, alot of great people on here.

[bigmanpayne]

You are not commanding respect, that is why is continues to act this way. I would have called her, told her she needed to do this. If she refused, take her stuff, throw it outside. You need to stand up to her. You let her have all this power over you and she's making a mockery of you.

 

Women love confidence, it's what they seek for in men. You need to not only show but live it. Do it for yourself. You don't need her in your life. The reason why others maybe blowing it off, is because it's not affecting them personally. It's just that's how people are.

 

If your kids get sick, etc.. yes do call her. However, call her mom's once, let her mom know and then leave your wife a voice mail if she doesn't pick up. Also document everything. Stop calling this OM's house.

 

If you really want to burst her bubble, make her feel unimportant. She would love nothing more than for you and this OM to fight, since it's all about her. You need to deflate that ego of hers and the best way to do it is to move on.

 

i don't have any ID. everything was in my wallet and my wallet has been gone since a few days before she left. she knows this. i had to cancel all cards, no atm card, not even an SS card, etc. i still can go to the bank because they know me so i have no problem getting money in or out, but my bank is in a college nearby and we had a lot of snow so the college was closed for today and thus so was my bank. she has another account and money to cover us until Monday. all i needed her to do was drop it off, she didn't even have to see me. she agreed to do it at 11:20 but when that time came she didn't show. i called her mother, but nobody was home (her mother was at the hospital with a friend). i called her sister. i called the OM no answer from anyone. i just got the money from her at 5:41 p.m. after she was supposed to bring it to my job at 11:20 a.m. we need food, gas, rent etc. she knows this. that is all that i want.

 

i go to work, handle the kids, pay bills, laundry, whatever. i have been doing it, i dont need her. this is the one time that i do need her to do something. i have no recourse. i am the bad guy. i know it doesn't affect other people but you would think that her mother would care. maybe her sister would care. maybe my mother, maybe our friends. i feel like i am the wrong one. i might be being a baby but i feel like this is so damn unfair. my kids suffer, i suffer, and she walks about scott-free. she has her girlyman, she has her mother, her brother and sisters, etc. we lose. i am left to flat out panic all day about whether or not my kids and i can make it until the banks open up on Monday, or sitting here hoping that Saturday is the day all of my new credit cards and atm card come in the mail. she didn't even give me the money, her sister dropped it off. no call, no nothing. i know she has to make it seem as if she has it so bad when she is with her boyfriend, but come on. nobody has said anything to her. it is amazing! you all here say she is a bad person, and that's not right, but nobody else has said a word. i almost turn into a kid and want to blame myself. it drives me crazy! i cant for the life of me figure out how she has gotten away with it. i would never be with a woman who would do her kids like this, no matter what lie she told me. i wouldn't be friends with someone who did these things. i want to run so far away but i just don't have anywhere to run too, plus my kids are here and i could never leave them. just imagine what kind of low-life deadbeat dad i would be if this situation were in reverse.

 

i have plenty of confidence. i am a man. she knows this. she does not want me to fight him because if i do he will never speak to her again. she fears me fighting him or creating a huge scene. she is absolutely sticking to this guy even though he is the weakest human being i have ever seen. not weakest man, weakest human being. he is terrified of everything. i call him because that is where she is. everyone knows what she is doing but she wants to act like she is still cheating and has to sneak around. thats stupid. i want to eliminate the middle man and just call her at her new home. i know everyone is looking at this situation from the outside, but there is too much logic being applied when you guys read my posts. this situation isnt logical. she isnt being rational. i am sure that i am no saint (no cheating, lying or abandoning my kids though) but i cant think of anything that i could have done to her to justify this. i mean damn... she is a woman who doesnt have custody of her children! that is hard to do! i dont know what she tells people that can possibly justify that because anyone who knows anything knows that if both parents are sane and just decent parents, the mother wins... period.

 

i know i am going off, but it has been a very tough and eventful day. when i actually started this post a week ago i actually wanted to reconcile and find some way to make it work, and now i want to jump off a bridge just to get away from it all. sometimes i feel like i am actually going crazy, maybe she is right and i am wrong. i just don't know. i feel like a woman going through menopause, i never know how my mood will be day to day.

[bigmanpayne]

i guess this thread is pretty much over. i started out wanting to still be together and each day i get a new prospective and have new feelings. i know this relationship is over, so there is no second chance. i spent the last 24 hours doing the divorce papers myself and scheduling/setting up therapy for my children.

[jmargel]

Breakups are hardly ever fair, and they rarely end on a good note. You have to realize that this affair is not about you. She would have done this no matter who she was married to. This is one of the results of having such a defective personality within' her. As long as she is still is denial about things, nothing will change. She is trying to justify all her behavior and there is no one to make her realize what she is doing. Even yourself, you are not making her face the consequences.

 

If I were you, I would confront this guy as many times as possible, scare the **** out of him. Make him run, let her get pissed, ruin that relationship. Ruin it, not to get her back but for your own children's sake. Quit being afraid of her. You are trying to avoid conflict, which IMO is what you need. You need to confront her and throw all her stuff out. Make her face this world alone, otherwise nothing will change. You should do this to make her start thinking about her actions. Once she starts thinking, hopefully she'll want to change her life around for her and her children. However, none of this will happen as long as you sit along the sidelines and watch.

 

I'm telling you from helping others for years on here, and my own personal experience, nothing will change until you make her confront this. Doesn't matter what it takes. Wish you would have been there the day I unleashed on my wife. I didn't get physical but I put the fear of God into her. I did this by throwing her ass out, telling her it's over. Take her clothes, her shoes and throwing them outside. As the psychologist told me, one day I will just snap and it just happened the one morning I was getting ready for work. She was seeing her ex-bf behind my back and would deny it all. However that morning she said something, and honestly I don't remember what it even was, but it did make me snap. It wasn't until then that I knew the power that I had.

 

You are continuing to let others disrespect you, you must take a stand to it. Make her life hell right now, do it as long as she is doing this to you.

[bigmanpayne]

If I were you, I would confront this guy as many times as possible, scare the **** out of him. Make him run, let her get pissed, ruin that relationship. Ruin it, not to get her back but for your own children's sake. Quit being afraid of her. You are trying to avoid conflict, which IMO is what you need. You need to confront her and throw all her stuff out. Make her face this world alone, otherwise nothing will change. You should do this to make her start thinking about her actions. Once she starts thinking, hopefully she'll want to change her life around for her and her children. However, none of this will happen as long as you sit along the sidelines and watch.

 

I'm telling you from helping others for years on here, and my own personal experience, nothing will change until you make her confront this. Doesn't matter what it takes. Wish you would have been there the day I unleashed on my wife. I didn't get physical but I put the fear of God into her. I did this by throwing her ass out, telling her it's over. Take her clothes, her shoes and throwing them outside. As the psychologist told me, one day I will just snap and it just happened the one morning I was getting ready for work. She was seeing her ex-bf behind my back and would deny it all. However that morning she said something, and honestly I don't remember what it even was, but it did make me snap. It wasn't until then that I knew the power that I had.

 

You are continuing to let others disrespect you, you must take a stand to it. Make her life hell right now, do it as long as she is doing this to you.

 

 

i am not a pushover! i almost killed this guy this past September and he was scared enough not to even look at her before 3 weeks ago. i want to scare this guy, mess with him, get in his face, but he hides. i mean hides like my kids do in hide-and-seek. if i pick her up from work he peaks out the door until i am gone, or gets someone to escort him. i cant catch him outside his home, he darts into his house from his car. he wont open the door if i go there. i cant call him, because he wont pick up the phone. i cant get my wife on the phone, or even in the same room with me right now. that is the problem. man i am too big, and he is too scared of me for me to try anything. if i am even seen yelling at him somewhere i am scared i am going to jail. i already have a police report (no charges) from our incident in september. i have never been to jail before and i am not a violent person so dont worry. anyway...

 

i had a pretty good plan to confront her and even used a previous post of yours as a guide, but she beat me to the punch this weekend and didn't come over when she said she would and then she or her mother, or her sisters wouldn't pick up any phone or any number so i had no contact with her, and she wont call. i think she told her mother to stop talking to me (her mother and i have been talking and comparing notes for a few weeks) and she is mad that i have been talking about her "behind her back" so i have no confidence that i or my children will even see her for a few weeks. i made fake plans to have sex with her on sat. but like i said she didnt show. my plan was rock solid (so I thought), and would have forced her to realize some things and answer some tough questions without anything being physical or overbearing. i filled out my divorce papers and dropped them off at her job today with a little note and i am hoping that she will at least call on a break or something.

 

i may sound weak, but if you knew me you wouldnt even believe i am the one typing these posts. i dont know how to even get her on the phone or in the same building. she is protected by her BF, her mother, her sister, her job. i have gotten to her before, but i am not sure that i can get any chance to talk to her now. she doesnt call the kids, so i absolutely have no shot. one of my friends also told me that me calling her so much could be interpreted in court as "harrassment" even though i dont leave any nasty messsages or threaten anyone. hell, if you have an idea on how i can get her to talk to me or be in the same room as me, i am all ears. if her and the BF started having sex this past weekend I am really not going to see or speak to her for a long while.

 

there is no logic. it seems as if your wife had some sort of moral base but mine doesn't. she likes to run and has people around her who are willing (for their own personal reasons) to let her run even if it hurts our kids. in my previous posts, i said that i wanted to just let it be mainly because just tracking her down is too much. 3 days a week me or my kids leave a note for her at work, i mean that is stalkerish and kind of looks bad. i have to write her and say stupid things just to get a 10 minute phone call. its demeaning! if you have some idea on what i shoudl do then let me know, i am all ears. i am letting her disrespect me, but if i was able to do what i wanted this weekend, you would have been proud of me.

 

you said "make her face this world alone" how can i do that if her mother is willing to let her do whatever. i mean my wife is a grown woman, but she doesn't have to take any responsibility if she has her main people who dont care what she does. i can stomp and scream all i want, all she will do is go to her mother's, or sister's, or BF's and pretend it didnt happen. she will forget about me, the kids, our life (or at least pretend to forget). she will not have to face it, she will not be alone. this will continue. any advice you have is helpful and i am eager to hear it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

i am not a pushover! i almost killed this guy this past September and he was scared enough not to even look at her before 3 weeks ago. i want to scare this guy, mess with him, get in his face, but he hides. i mean hides like my kids do in hide-and-seek. if i pick her up from work he peaks out the door until i am gone, or gets someone to escort him. i cant catch him outside his home, he darts into his house from his car. he wont open the door if i go there. i cant call him, because he wont pick up the phone. i cant get my wife on the phone, or even in the same room with me right now. that is the problem. man i am too big, and he is too scared of me for me to try anything. if i am even seen yelling at him somewhere i am scared i am going to jail. i already have a police report (no charges) from our incident in september. i have never been to jail before and i am not a violent person so dont worry. anyway...

 

i had a pretty good plan to confront her and even used a previous post of yours as a guide, but she beat me to the punch this weekend and didn't come over when she said she would and then she or her mother, or her sisters wouldn't pick up any phone or any number so i had no contact with her, and she wont call. i think she told her mother to stop talking to me (her mother and i have been talking and comparing notes for a few weeks) and she is mad that i have been talking about her "behind her back" so i have no confidence that i or my children will even see her for a few weeks. i made fake plans to have sex with her on sat. but like i said she didnt show. my plan was rock solid (so I thought), and would have forced her to realize some things and answer some tough questions without anything being physical or overbearing. i filled out my divorce papers and dropped them off at her job today with a little note and i am hoping that she will at least call on a break or something.

 

i may sound weak, but if you knew me you wouldnt even believe i am the one typing these posts. i dont know how to even get her on the phone or in the same building. she is protected by her BF, her mother, her sister, her job. i have gotten to her before, but i am not sure that i can get any chance to talk to her now. she doesnt call the kids, so i absolutely have no shot. one of my friends also told me that me calling her so much could be interpreted in court as "harrassment" even though i dont leave any nasty messsages or threaten anyone. hell, if you have an idea on how i can get her to talk to me or be in the same room as me, i am all ears. if her and the BF started having sex this past weekend I am really not going to see or speak to her for a long while.

 

there is no logic. it seems as if your wife had some sort of moral base but mine doesn't. she likes to run and has people around her who are willing (for their own personal reasons) to let her run even if it hurts our kids. in my previous posts, i said that i wanted to just let it be mainly because just tracking her down is too much. 3 days a week me or my kids leave a note for her at work, i mean that is stalkerish and kind of looks bad. i have to write her and say stupid things just to get a 10 minute phone call. its demeaning! if you have some idea on what i shoudl do then let me know, i am all ears. i am letting her disrespect me, but if i was able to do what i wanted this weekend, you would have been proud of me.

 

you said "make her face this world alone" how can i do that if her mother is willing to let her do whatever. i mean my wife is a grown woman, but she doesn't have to take any responsibility if she has her main people who dont care what she does. i can stomp and scream all i want, all she will do is go to her mother's, or sister's, or BF's and pretend it didnt happen. she will forget about me, the kids, our life (or at least pretend to forget). she will not have to face it, she will not be alone. this will continue. any advice you have is helpful and i am eager to hear it.

 

Wow this sounds like one big Cluster-F!

 

Listen payne you've done all you can. She's not your wife anymore. I ask you now to employ the 180. You have custody of the kids right. I hope it's physical and residential custody.

 

Next dont pick her up , fix anything for her, or call her. If it aint about the kids or divorce. Have NC with her. Whatever happens with the children shall be your business. Do not involve her family, they are cowards themselves and have no backbones to even assess the situation for what it is. Their mother abandoned their family for a coward of an OM.

 

It sucks but it happens.

 

Focus on stuff that makes you happy, take control and be there for your kids lives. She is not your concern anymore. She made her bed she can lie in it. I know this situation probably have went out of control but you can force a stubborn mule to drink the water. Let it be, and kick it in it's ass for standing there! lol.

 

You have to focus on you. Get your family into a better house. A better care, a better life.

 

Employ the 180 focus on your family and rebuild without her in the picture. If anything make sure she pays child support, and give her visitation without the OM in the picture. I hope you added in your divorce decree that no member of the opposite sex shall remain overnight with the children when they are in each other's spouses house? That has been a staple of the verlasting effects of an affair.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you, and I wish I had a pops like you growing up. men can make the difference in the world and how we grow up.

 

 

Good luck man.

[jmargel]

I didn't realize the issues you were having with her, such as you mentioned in your last post. If that is the case, I would go with Chrome's idea in focusing on yourself and your children.

 

As for harrassment, it's not harassment unless she tells you to stop and you continue to pursue it. You have every right for answers, that is what you are seeking. You going the route of the divorce papers is the best route, if this does not wake her ass up, then nothing will. Unfortunely sometimes we have to watch people fail. I know I had to with my ex-fiancee. She cheated, then left me for my now ex best-friend. She was so beautiful, and so smart! Though she had emotional issues (like your wife and mine) and I became her emotional punching bag. Long story short, she marred him, had a kid, divorced him. She then married his friend, had a kid and living in this guy's parent's basement. Living on food stamps. It's sad to watch her live this life, but it's the life she chose. She had so much potential, her being a senior in HS, would help w/ some of my papers in college when I was a Junior, she was so bright. Now she doesn't work and lives a miserable life.

 

Anyway, all of your wife's problems stem from her past, and the way she deals with problems now. Running away from your problems is what a child does. Her family continues to enforce this behavior, so this gives her no incentive to change. She will be a lost soul. We know it's frustrating that you can't make her see the light, but for some people.. they never do.

 

Thus you are left to what you have, which are two great chidren. Focus ahead, set short term goals for yourself and your children. Don't base your own self-worth what she's done to you and your children. Reinforce this to your kids as well. My suggestion would be to explain to the children that their mother is not well mentally, and hopefully she can get the help she needs.

 

Take it day by day.. Life will get better.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I didn't realize the issues you were having with her, such as you mentioned in your last post. If that is the case, I would go with Chrome's idea in focusing on yourself and your children.

 

As for harrassment, it's not harassment unless she tells you to stop and you continue to pursue it. You have every right for answers, that is what you are seeking. You going the route of the divorce papers is the best route, if this does not wake her ass up, then nothing will. Unfortunely sometimes we have to watch people fail. I know I had to with my ex-fiancee. She cheated, then left me for my now ex best-friend. She was so beautiful, and so smart! Though she had emotional issues (like your wife and mine) and I became her emotional punching bag. Long story short, she marred him, had a kid, divorced him. She then married his friend, had a kid and living in this guy's parent's basement. Living on food stamps. It's sad to watch her live this life, but it's the life she chose. She had so much potential, her being a senior in HS, would help w/ some of my papers in college when I was a Junior, she was so bright. Now she doesn't work and lives a miserable life.

 

Anyway, all of your wife's problems stem from her past, and the way she deals with problems now. Running away from your problems is what a child does. Her family continues to enforce this behavior, so this gives her no incentive to change. She will be a lost soul. We know it's frustrating that you can't make her see the light, but for some people.. they never do.

 

Thus you are left to what you have, which are two great chidren. Focus ahead, set short term goals for yourself and your children. Don't base your own self-worth what she's done to you and your children. Reinforce this to your kids as well. My suggestion would be to explain to the children that their mother is not well mentally, and hopefully she can get the help she needs.

 

Take it day by day.. Life will get better.

 

 

Wow Jmargel did you ever hear from your ex best friend after she divorced him??? I wonder what he said? Arent you glad you dodged that bullet!

[bigmanpayne]

Wow this sounds like one big Cluster-F!

 

Listen payne you've done all you can. She's not your wife anymore. I ask you now to employ the 180. You have custody of the kids right. I hope it's physical and residential custody.

 

Next dont pick her up , fix anything for her, or call her. If it aint about the kids or divorce. Have NC with her. Whatever happens with the children shall be your business. Do not involve her family, they are cowards themselves and have no backbones to even assess the situation for what it is. Their mother abandoned their family for a coward of an OM.

 

It sucks but it happens.

 

Focus on stuff that makes you happy, take control and be there for your kids lives. She is not your concern anymore. She made her bed she can lie in it. I know this situation probably have went out of control but you can force a stubborn mule to drink the water. Let it be, and kick it in it's ass for standing there! lol.

 

You have to focus on you. Get your family into a better house. A better care, a better life.

 

Employ the 180 focus on your family and rebuild without her in the picture. If anything make sure she pays child support, and give her visitation without the OM in the picture. I hope you added in your divorce decree that no member of the opposite sex shall remain overnight with the children when they are in each other's spouses house? That has been a staple of the verlasting effects of an affair.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you, and I wish I had a pops like you growing up. men can make the difference in the world and how we grow up.

 

 

Good luck man.

 

i hear you. i just wish i knew what was going on. its like being in limbo. she wont talk about anything. not kids, not the divorce. there are little things that she can do to make this situation easier and it kills me that i cant get her help. there are bills, kid stuff, other obligations that need to be settled, that she can even settle without me being around when she does it, but it is like pulling teeth trying to get her to even talk to me. like i said before, she doesn't talk to the kids so i cant sneak a conversation when she is talking to them either. its tough.

 

i sent her the divorce papers and i asked for her to call me at 6:00 p.m. tonight while on her break to let me know what she wants to do (visitation, property, debts, etc.) and i am not sure if she will even call me back. its stupid. the divorce will be cheaper and everything will be better if she just talks to me but she is to guilt-ridden or whatever. i am trying to move on and i want to just move on as i have said over and over but it is just hard to do. i'd rather know where i was going than try to navigate in the dark but i will probably have no other choice.

[bigmanpayne]

I didn't realize the issues you were having with her, such as you mentioned in your last post. If that is the case, I would go with Chrome's idea in focusing on yourself and your children.

 

As for harrassment, it's not harassment unless she tells you to stop and you continue to pursue it. You have every right for answers, that is what you are seeking. You going the route of the divorce papers is the best route, if this does not wake her ass up, then nothing will. Unfortunely sometimes we have to watch people fail. I know I had to with my ex-fiancee. She cheated, then left me for my now ex best-friend. She was so beautiful, and so smart! Though she had emotional issues (like your wife and mine) and I became her emotional punching bag. Long story short, she marred him, had a kid, divorced him. She then married his friend, had a kid and living in this guy's parent's basement. Living on food stamps. It's sad to watch her live this life, but it's the life she chose. She had so much potential, her being a senior in HS, would help w/ some of my papers in college when I was a Junior, she was so bright. Now she doesn't work and lives a miserable life.

 

Anyway, all of your wife's problems stem from her past, and the way she deals with problems now. Running away from your problems is what a child does. Her family continues to enforce this behavior, so this gives her no incentive to change. She will be a lost soul. We know it's frustrating that you can't make her see the light, but for some people.. they never do.

 

Thus you are left to what you have, which are two great chidren. Focus ahead, set short term goals for yourself and your children. Don't base your own self-worth what she's done to you and your children. Reinforce this to your kids as well. My suggestion would be to explain to the children that their mother is not well mentally, and hopefully she can get the help she needs.

 

Take it day by day.. Life will get better.

 

 

wow - rough story. thats too bad for your ex. my kids are great and i will try to take it day to day. she hasn't told me to stop calling because i never call unless it is for the kids or if i absolutely need something. thats what i dont understand. i am giving her what she wants and i still cant get her on the phone. now that her mother isnt picking up, my kids and i are dead in the water. it is almost like she wants me to get mad, come up to her job and raise hell. i am guessing she wants me so mad that they do call the police and then she has a valid reason for doing what she is doing and then while i am in jail, she gets to keep the kids (which means her mother will keep them for her) and not have to take responsibility for her actions. i dont know. i am only left with my guesses, i have nothing else.

 

nobody will talk to me. i dont understand why her mother would allow my wife to treat our kids like this. they havent done a thing. what like could my wife possible tell that would make this situation ok? i am going to move forward because i have no choice, but not knowing things and not having a clear understanding, really complicates this situation. i constantly feel like i have to throw up or something. like i said before this hurts, but she is giving us no other choice. we just have to move on and let her sink. my kids and i deserve better, and in time we will be alright. thanks for all your help!

[jmargel]

She doesn't want to discuss the issue because of her immaturity. She refuses to face the consequences of her behavior. Good chance she probably just threw those divorce papers in the garbage, if I was a betting man. What you should do is contact a lawyer so that you can get it documented that the divorce is starting. My brother's ex-wife didn't want to sign the papers and it naturally then takes two years (in Pennslyvania) if one party doesn't sign. However don't let this stop from moving on with your life, all your marriage now is a piece of paper.

 

She is a master of convincing people to feel for her. She has everyone under her lies, and sooner or later it will all be revealed. What does your family say about this? Of course her family is going to believe her or take her side, after all she is their daughter. That goes with the terrority.

 

As for my situation, after the divorce he came over (he now lives with his mom, who lives next door to my folks) and while I was visiting one day he showed up. I stared him down, and told him to get the **** out. Even though that was almost nine years ago, he will never get the time of day from me again. You betray a friend like that, that is something that is not forgiven. He is untrustworthy. I believe in Karma and he now is getting his.

 

The one thing I have learned from the situation with my ex-fiancee and then my wife is that if you don't stand up for yourself, then don't expect anyone to respsect you. My brother once told me, in times such as these you have to think of women like buses.. If one leaves, another one is around the corner. Though that might be kind of cold to think of women that way, it is true. There are millions of beautiful, single, sweet, loving women out there that are compatible with you. Don't waste the borrowed time that we live on trying to help people who don't want to be helped.

[twice_shy]

some of you might have read my previous post and know what's going on, but this past weekend my wife stayed over for a few days to help me with a pre-arranged party for our kids. she has been gone for 2 weeks and left us in the middle of the night for some other guy who she works with. she doesn't call the kids or me, and never really explains what is going on or talks about what has happened or is happening. i try to catch up with her when I can, write her letters, call her at her mothers whenever she is there, but i can barely get a response from her.

 

we ended up having sex 4 times over 2 days, but she doesn't want me back. she is in another relationship and wants to be with him even though they aren't sexually active together. i thought they were, but turns out they aren't. they kiss and spend time together but she tells me that he doesn't even try to have sex with her. i believe her because the sex we had was the best or amongst the best we have ever had. she acted as if she absolutely craved it (the sex, not me).

 

she used me for sex and now is gone again, and i am stuck wondering what just happened. it was as if i was the other guy, and he was her husband. i feel as if she felt guilty for having sex with me, as if she felt guilty about cheating on him. this hasn't done anything but made me feel even worse about this situation. i love her and want her back, but apparently she doesn't feel the same way and it hurts. i wanted to think that we were "making love" and that she wanted to come back and work things out, but i guess i was wrong. has this happened to anyone else before? can anyone else shed any light on this? she doesn't talk to me so i have no real idea what is happening. maybe i am seeing this the wrong way? i have no idea.

 

She deserted you and YOUR KIDS for another man. Get a good lawyer and get custody of your kids. She clearly cares more for her new man than her own kids. Get them and get her out of your life.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Like I said pane, you want her to be in your kids lives.

 

But if she aint contacting you, dont contact her.

 

Stick to the 180! she makes her own choices to where she wants to be a part of her child's lives.

 

Let her make the first call, let her initiate it!

 

Let her make the first move!

 

Forget calling her. Forget thinking about her. Forget even communicating with her if it's about non kids stuff. No more backrubs, no more courtesy calls. Get full physical custody, and have her pay child support.

 

Just focus on your kids solo. You are all they need! Forget her!

[millergirl]

Wow....you are really handling a lot right now with this woman. I feel sorry for you and your children not her. I was also molested as a child and I know many other woman who have experienced the same. It is not an excuse to have an affair and leave her family. You seem like a very nice person and I thank God that you are there to take care of your children. It is easy for all of us to tell you to file the divorce and be done with her. You will get tired of it eventually and do what you have to do. Sounds like there is some Co-dependency issues going on here. Your happiness shouldn't rely on hers.

 

I wish you and your children the best.

[bigmanpayne]

She doesn't want to discuss the issue because of her immaturity. She refuses to face the consequences of her behavior. Good chance she probably just threw those divorce papers in the garbage, if I was a betting man. What you should do is contact a lawyer so that you can get it documented that the divorce is starting.

 

She is a master of convincing people to feel for her. She has everyone under her lies, and sooner or later it will all be revealed. What does your family say about this? Of course her family is going to believe her or take her side, after all she is their daughter. That goes with the terrority.

 

 

The one thing I have learned from the situation with my ex-fiancee and then my wife is that if you don't stand up for yourself, then don't expect anyone to respsect you.

 

 

i just talked to her an hour ago and found out why we have been having communication problems. she is mad at me about the letter i sent to the OM (and the copies to his mother and father and her mother and my mother). unbelievable! i only asked people to help her to see her kids. the OM's parents got all over him and so she got upset with me! i didnt slander or, i asked for her to see her kids, thats it. her revenge: she got so mad at me that she made plans with the kids, then didn't follow through on those plans. she's really gettin' back at me! what she's doing is killing my kids. this situation is something i couldn't have ever imagined happening. so stupid!

 

i know you say that her family is going to back her up, but forget that. my kids should come before her own feelings, and before any blind resolve to protecting her. my family hates her. they used to love her, and take her side over mine, no matter what. she was so loved that she was able to just walk in my mother's house, no knocking - that privilege was only extended to people who had actually ever lived there before. the very first time i caught her cheating, my sisters and mother didnt even believe me. thats how much they loved her.

 

my family or her family would never let me get away with the stuff she is doing. i wouldn't have any place to eat, sleep, or s*** if my mother or sisters, or friends knew i was neglecting her or the kids in any fashion. i know i am lucky to have people like that. and i wish people would stop lying. i hate that blind loyalty crap; some serial killers mother giving an interview saying "he really is a good boy" please. there is no good reason for any competent sane woman not to have her kids with her. she has gone almost a week without speaking to her children; now what lie can you tell to cover for that. i hate that crap. she is soft spoken, and very nice so people just automatically believe the most ridiculous lies. i would love to be a fly on the wall when she tries to explain some of this stuff. i have been up to her job, and everyone knows what is going on and they cut their eyes AT ME! i come there with my children... how am i the bad guy? people are lazy and cowards. most are. i believe that you don't really care about someone if you can really tell them what you think, no matter if it hurts their feelings or not. - sorry about that rant.

 

you're probably right about the divorce papers; i asked her about them again, and she wouldn't give me an answer, i still don't know what she wants. i want her to sign the crap and work it out between us so that we/i can save some money. her talking and signing is the difference between $250.00 and $5,000.00. my kids and i need every dime we can get - we have to move, try to live off one income (+ her child support), and still pay the current bills until we move. i am so fed up. i want one last chance to tell her what is on my mind, then i want to totally give her up. no s***, i mean NC at all no matter what. i am sure that she probably wont even care. this is so stupid. i will be glad when the divorce is over an we move so that we can get on with our life.

[bigmanpayne]

Like I said pane, you want her to be in your kids lives.

 

But if she aint contacting you, dont contact her.

 

Stick to the 180! she makes her own choices to where she wants to be a part of her child's lives.

 

Let her make the first call, let her initiate it!

 

Let her make the first move!

 

Forget calling her. Forget thinking about her. Forget even communicating with her if it's about non kids stuff. No more backrubs, no more courtesy calls. Get full physical custody, and have her pay child support.

 

Just focus on your kids solo. You are all they need! Forget her!

 

 

dont worry, i will stick to NC. i have better plans as of today about how to handle problems that arise with our children, so i dont need to call her anymore. she wont make any first move so i dont have to worry about it. for some reason she cant be with this man and take care of her kids at the same time, its crazy.

 

i already have full custody. we were seperated 5 years ago, and we went through a custody thing then and i obtained full custody. in the order she isnt even allowed to take them to her mother's without my approval. so far she has been giving me almost her entire weekly salary but i know that wont last forever. i already have an child support order (that we got when i got custody) just in case this ever happened, so if need be i have some backup. we are going to be OK. i am mad right now so i am actually feeling better than at other times.

[Chrome Barracuda]

dont worry, i will stick to NC. i have better plans as of today about how to handle problems that arise with our children, so i dont need to call her anymore. she wont make any first move so i dont have to worry about it. for some reason she cant be with this man and take care of her kids at the same time, its crazy.

 

i already have full custody. we were seperated 5 years ago, and we went through a custody thing then and i obtained full custody. in the order she isnt even allowed to take them to her mother's without my approval. so far she has been giving me almost her entire weekly salary but i know that wont last forever. i already have an child support order (that we got when i got custody) just in case this ever happened, so if need be i have some backup. we are going to be OK. i am mad right now so i am actually feeling better than at other times.

 

 

Sounds like you are making steps in the right direction. Alot of the legal issues are getting out of your way. Good.

 

I read what you wrote to Jmargel about the co-workers, forget them A-holes. They mad because they think your a monster. She probably lied about the situation and they want to feel on her side but they cant so they villify you anyway's. Dont sweat it, they aint your friends anyway's.

 

Focus on getting a great job. Dont talk about the OM or his family, just take care of your own and focus on them.

 

Your family now must feel stupid because your the only responsible adult that is standing for your family. Have they apologized for their stupidity because if they havent you need to distance yourself from them as well.

 

You are on the right track. I feel your frustration.

 

The main reason I think your wife cant visit her kids is because she's guilty.

 

She knows she's done iireprehensible harm to her family. She has that burden to bear and seeing her kids only reinforces that on her sholders. So she figures they are better off because she feels that way.

 

Whatever you do, let that go. She will attempt to repair the relationship she has with her children on her own through her own means. The kids may never forgive her. They may abandon her just like she did them. She may feel broken and damaged and doesnt want to hurt anyone through her actions which she doesnt want to control.

 

If she wants it that way?

 

...Fine.

 

Let her go, hit the gym, take care of the kids and find someone else.

 

It wasnt your choice to be where you are right now, but hey your making the best out of a crappy situation. Which is good.

 

You'll be fine. Just keep doing what your doing.

[bigmanpayne]

Wow....you are really handling a lot right now with this woman. I feel sorry for you and your children not her. I was also molested as a child and I know many other woman who have experienced the same. It is not an excuse to have an affair and leave her family. You seem like a very nice person and I thank God that you are there to take care of your children. It is easy for all of us to tell you to file the divorce and be done with her. You will get tired of it eventually and do what you have to do. Sounds like there is some Co-dependency issues going on here. Your happiness shouldn't rely on hers.

 

I wish you and your children the best.

 

 

i know it isn't an excuse. she is grown, there are no excuses. i did give the divorce papers and if she doesnt want to sign and coordinate with me i will do it alone at the end of the week. i hate to toot my own horn, but i dont know what my kids would do if i wasnt here. i am so happy to have them and i know someday they will be old enough and capable to tell me how much they have appreciated my effort as a parent, not just in these tough times, but overall. there probably is a little co-dependency.

 

i do love her, and i understand what she has gone through. as i have said before, i feel like she doesnt have anyone else in her life and i do feel like once we are divorced thats all she wrote for her. she will never be supported or truly loved or even cared about. thats why i try so hard. i feel like i am failing her even though i know it is the other way around. but what has to be done, will be done.