bigmanpayne Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 some of you might have read my previous post and know what's going on, but this past weekend my wife stayed over for a few days to help me with a pre-arranged party for our kids. she has been gone for 2 weeks and left us in the middle of the night for some other guy who she works with. she doesn't call the kids or me, and never really explains what is going on or talks about what has happened or is happening. i try to catch up with her when I can, write her letters, call her at her mothers whenever she is there, but i can barely get a response from her. we ended up having sex 4 times over 2 days, but she doesn't want me back. she is in another relationship and wants to be with him even though they aren't sexually active together. i thought they were, but turns out they aren't. they kiss and spend time together but she tells me that he doesn't even try to have sex with her. i believe her because the sex we had was the best or amongst the best we have ever had. she acted as if she absolutely craved it (the sex, not me). she used me for sex and now is gone again, and i am stuck wondering what just happened. it was as if i was the other guy, and he was her husband. i feel as if she felt guilty for having sex with me, as if she felt guilty about cheating on him. this hasn't done anything but made me feel even worse about this situation. i love her and want her back, but apparently she doesn't feel the same way and it hurts. i wanted to think that we were "making love" and that she wanted to come back and work things out, but i guess i was wrong. has this happened to anyone else before? can anyone else shed any light on this? she doesn't talk to me so i have no real idea what is happening. maybe i am seeing this the wrong way? i have no idea.
Ocean-Blue Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Wow. What she did was nothing short of selfish. If there was any doubt in your mind about her value and worth, this should've cleared it right up.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 You know if I was you, Detach, bang her in her A$$ with a condom on and then kick her out. If she wants to potray herself as a slut then treat her like one. But if you dont want to be all vengeful and wanna take the high road. You change the locks, file for divorce and get full custody of your kids. and tell her the sex is over you left me for him and now you stay with him. Leave me alone! Simple as that. Stop letting your emotions stop you from doing what you must. Your kids need to to be that parent. Your wife cant be!!!!
Ocean-Blue Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 But if you dont want to be all vengeful and wanna take the high road. You change the locks, file for divorce and get full custody of your kids. and tell her the sex is over you left me for him and now you stay with him. Leave me alone! Simple as that. Stop letting your emotions stop you from doing what you must. Your kids need to to be that parent. Your wife cant be!!!! For once, I agree with him.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 For once, I agree with him. For once? lol. Baby; dont you know who I am!?!?! People do agree with what I say whether they believe it or not.
Ocean-Blue Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 For once? lol. Baby; dont you know who I am!?!?! People do agree with what I say whether they believe it or not. I know precisely who you are. OP, change your locks and get the best lawyer money can buy. Take her to the cleaners. She has no heart. Forget you. Look what she's done to her children! A bad mother is equivalent to total and utter scum in my books. She's dirt.
Author bigmanpayne Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Wow. What she did was nothing short of selfish. If there was any doubt in your mind about her value and worth, this should've cleared it right up. This entire ordeal is a guide for overall human selfishness.
Author bigmanpayne Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 OP, change your locks and get the best lawyer money can buy. Take her to the cleaners. She has no heart. Forget you. Look what she's done to her children! A bad mother is equivalent to total and utter scum in my books. She's dirt. i know this, but there are of course other factors. i do not think that she doesnt love me, or that she doesnt love our children. i think that she has done so much stuff in the past that she is just too embarrased to face it. i wish she would at least stop seeing this other person, but she has found the perfect sucker who will never challenge her to be a better person.
heartoutside Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I really don't think there are an excuses in this situation, and you shouldn't be making any for her. You have kids together, and at the very least she should be putting their needs before hers. Right now your are being a good father, and doing what is right for your children, while your "wife" is out with another man, turn her back on her own children, let alone the man she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. It doesn't matter why she did it....she did it! I would suggest buying a book called "no more mr. nice guy." It comes highly suggested on this forum and it helps... As for changing the locks, I wouldn't do that unless your name is the only name on the mortgage. Otherwise she may be able to take legal action against you and turn it into a real mess.... AS for her being a better person. She has to want to be a better person for herself, it's nice to have a person in your life who helps you see things for being better, but she has to want to be a better person for herself....
jmargel Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Wow.. exactly how much are you willing to tolerate? Not only has she left you, but her own children! Her lack of maturity and respect are just plain scary. It doesn't matter what is 'going on' in her head, she is making a farce of her vows and neglecting her children, yet you are tolerating all of this? Well no wonder she is doing this (having sex with you and leaving) because she is facing ZERO consequences for her actions. She knows you will roll over and piddle and do everything she demands to at least have a chance with her. This is not what a marriage is about, this is a very dysfunctional marriage. In my opinion, get the book 'Love must be tough', you need to not only show but live confidence. You need to lay it straight out to her that you will not allow yourself or your children to be dragged through the mud anymore and that unless she goes NC with this OM, and start marriage counseling that it is over. And MEAN IT! As long as you continue to play the victim's role that is what you will continue to be. If you can give us a history of your marriage, that will help as well. Has she always been immature when it has come to your marriage?
Author bigmanpayne Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 I really don't think there are an excuses in this situation, and you shouldn't be making any for her. You have kids together, and at the very least she should be putting their needs before hers. Right now your are being a good father, and doing what is right for your children, while your "wife" is out with another man, turn her back on her own children, let alone the man she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. It doesn't matter why she did it....she did it! I would suggest buying a book called "no more mr. nice guy." It comes highly suggested on this forum and it helps... As for changing the locks, I wouldn't do that unless your name is the only name on the mortgage. Otherwise she may be able to take legal action against you and turn it into a real mess.... AS for her being a better person. She has to want to be a better person for herself, it's nice to have a person in your life who helps you see things for being better, but she has to want to be a better person for herself.... i have full custody of the children. and i am not as nice as you think. she has no one in her life. the reason why she can do this and think it is ok is because she has no checks and balances. her mother (even though she agrees with me) wont tell her anything, she keeps friends away, and doesnt let anyone in. i love her but also feel sorry for her. i am always willing to give up a piece of my happiness to help her. i think that if she is around me she will be ok. i know it isn't my place, but i want to do as much as i can to help. often times people will place logic to my problem but there is not logic. she absolutely cant tell right from wrong right now. i have decided to go forward and just let things be. i am going to fill out temporary papers this week and start divorce proceedings in 2 weeks, i don't think i have any other choice.
Author bigmanpayne Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Wow.. exactly how much are you willing to tolerate? Not only has she left you, but her own children! Her lack of maturity and respect are just plain scary. It doesn't matter what is 'going on' in her head, she is making a farce of her vows and neglecting her children, yet you are tolerating all of this? Well no wonder she is doing this (having sex with you and leaving) because she is facing ZERO consequences for her actions. She knows you will roll over and piddle and do everything she demands to at least have a chance with her. This is not what a marriage is about, this is a very dysfunctional marriage. In my opinion, get the book 'Love must be tough', you need to not only show but live confidence. You need to lay it straight out to her that you will not allow yourself or your children to be dragged through the mud anymore and that unless she goes NC with this OM, and start marriage counseling that it is over. And MEAN IT! As long as you continue to play the victim's role that is what you will continue to be. If you can give us a history of your marriage, that will help as well. Has she always been immature when it has come to your marriage? she has had some serious issues in her life. she was molested/raped by our paster (who happens to be my Godfather) from the time she was 11 until her 18th birthday (which was our frist date). everyone in the church and both of your families knew what was going on when we were kids, but nobody helped her. where i come from everyone acts like stuff like that didnt happen instead of dealing with it head on. i am just trying to be there for her. i know she loves me and my kids. i am not stupid, or nieve, i know she loves us, but i think she is too scared and embarrased to admit what she is and who she is. she seriously doesn't believe that anyone can truly love her. not the fake her she protrays to everyone, but the real person inside. we have gone to counsiling before, and because i wanted to save a few bucks i wanted to wait until the new year to start back up, and i guess that was a bad decision. now we are worse off. she was doing well in counsiling, and i feel like i am partially responsible for her slide. working with the therapist is where i learned a lot about how deep her problems run and how hard it will be on both sides for her to change. the therapist prodicted that this might happen. i am not a pushover. i am concerned about her. she has a great spirit and is a good mother when she is there, that is what causes me such confusion. i dont mind sacraficing my own happiness or self-esteem if it means that she will get better. immature isn't the right word for her because I absolutely believe that she knows what she is doing is wrong, but cant change. someone told me recently that she has symptoms of molestation and that 7 years of that coupled with her having no father and no real strong people in her life have lead her to this point. there is probably nothing my kids or i can do for her. that hurts me deeply. i want to help but i know that there is probably nothing i can do, so like i said in the previous reply, i am going to try to just sit back and live life. i will get a divorce and try to move on, but i feel like i am turning my back on her when i promised her that i would never do that.
sandflea Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 There's a great book out there called "Love must be Tough". It's a worthwhile read. The basic premise of the book is that you need to bring a helment for times like these, because if someone is so disrespectful, so manipulative, and so callous as to use you, and toss your love aside, then you must "be tough". Sounds like you guys had one last round in the sack, and you should see that as such. One last time (or 4 LOL!). Now's the time when you find your backbone, and admit to yourself that anyone who treats you this way is NOT your friend, and certainly not someone who loves you. You can't "fix" her. That's her job. SF
jmargel Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 If you truly love her and want to help then stop allowing yourself to be the enabler. You are doing EXACTLY the same thing her family was doing. Just ignoring the issue. You ignore the issue that she is cheating on you and neglecting the children. This is NOT showing love. Love can be shown in multiple ways, but in this case tough love must be shown here. Tough love doesn't mean, being mean to her or cold. It doesn't mean getting revenge or getting even. It means that you are setting up clear boundaries on what is right and wrong and if you cross those boundaries then consequences will be met. Tough love means making her 'think' about what she is doing, about the consequences she is going to be facing for what she is doing to you and the children. Go back to therapy, invite her to join you. Let her know that you will be there to listen when she is ready to talk, but that you can't continue a marriage in which she is cheating on you and hurting the children. She is putting your health at risk as well, by being with this other guy. My wife had some very, very bad things happen to her when she was younger, like your wife. When she tried pulling the same crap your wife is doing now, I went through the being mr. nice guy, to being nasty. What worked in the end was to calmly tell her that 'Im done with all of this, no longer going to be dragged through the mud, and that I want you out of the house this week'. She was like a deer in headlights, for the first time she didn't know what to say. She always threatened to leave so I figured she would jump at the chance. The total opposite happened, and only then did I know the true power I had in this relationship. It was just that I wasn't using it. You can feel bad for her in regards to her past and its good that you want to see her better. However she is still in charge of her own decisions and are still responsible for what she is doing now. My wife knows, if she crossed that line again (she didn't physically cheat, but was contacting an ex-bf) that the marriage is done. No if, ands or buts about it. That line was drawn very clear. You are in a parent-child marriage. You being the parent, her being the child. She needs to get the help from couseling and 'step-up' to becoming an adult, so that you can take that step down from being a parent to her. That's the only way this marriage will work. You are NOT her counselor or psychologist. You are her husband. A marriage does not work if you try to be both. It's time that you make a change here. Do it for yourself, your children and her. Continue the path you are and things will get worse. Trust me on this. she has had some serious issues in her life. she was molested/raped by our paster (who happens to be my Godfather) from the time she was 11 until her 18th birthday (which was our frist date). everyone in the church and both of your families knew what was going on when we were kids, but nobody helped her. where i come from everyone acts like stuff like that didnt happen instead of dealing with it head on. i am just trying to be there for her. i know she loves me and my kids. i am not stupid, or nieve, i know she loves us, but i think she is too scared and embarrased to admit what she is and who she is. she seriously doesn't believe that anyone can truly love her. not the fake her she protrays to everyone, but the real person inside. we have gone to counsiling before, and because i wanted to save a few bucks i wanted to wait until the new year to start back up, and i guess that was a bad decision. now we are worse off. she was doing well in counsiling, and i feel like i am partially responsible for her slide. working with the therapist is where i learned a lot about how deep her problems run and how hard it will be on both sides for her to change. the therapist prodicted that this might happen. i am not a pushover. i am concerned about her. she has a great spirit and is a good mother when she is there, that is what causes me such confusion. i dont mind sacraficing my own happiness or self-esteem if it means that she will get better. immature isn't the right word for her because I absolutely believe that she knows what she is doing is wrong, but cant change. someone told me recently that she has symptoms of molestation and that 7 years of that coupled with her having no father and no real strong people in her life have lead her to this point. there is probably nothing my kids or i can do for her. that hurts me deeply. i want to help but i know that there is probably nothing i can do, so like i said in the previous reply, i am going to try to just sit back and live life. i will get a divorce and try to move on, but i feel like i am turning my back on her when i promised her that i would never do that.
CaliGuy Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 In my opinion, get the book 'Love must be tough', you need to not only show but live confidence. You need to lay it straight out to her that you will not allow yourself or your children to be dragged through the mud anymore and that unless she goes NC with this OM, and start marriage counseling that it is over. And MEAN IT! As long as you continue to play the victim's role that is what you will continue to be. Great advice, JM and the book too. Always the best for marriages in disarray.
Nomad1 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Oh yes, I remember 5 episodes of those. On occasions, it seemed like the best sex we ever had. It was during the limbo stage when she had an infatuation with some other man but hadn't started the physical affair yet. I was the instrument of her fantasies. She wanted to have sex so much. We did it 8 times on one occasion. It seemed like marathon sex. She wanted more and more and more. Each time I thought it was over, she started touching me, getting on top of me etc. When I thought about it afterwards, I felt used. She even said that she only did it for sex. I asked why she didn't do it with someone else. She replied: 'because I know and trust you'. A few weeks down the line, I am divorcing her. I am never going to have sex with her again. I totally ignore her now. I talk to her about the praxticalities of the kids, house sale and divorce. You should do the same. There are lots of women out there. Forget about her and move on! Nomad1
Author bigmanpayne Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 There's a great book out there called "Love must be Tough". It's a worthwhile read. The basic premise of the book is that you need to bring a helment for times like these, because if someone is so disrespectful, so manipulative, and so callous as to use you, and toss your love aside, then you must "be tough". Sounds like you guys had one last round in the sack, and you should see that as such. One last time (or 4 LOL!). Now's the time when you find your backbone, and admit to yourself that anyone who treats you this way is NOT your friend, and certainly not someone who loves you. You can't "fix" her. That's her job. SF thank you. i will look up that book. yeah i know what i should do but it is conflicting with what i want to do. i know i cant fix her, even though i find myself trying and trying.
Author bigmanpayne Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 If you truly love her and want to help then stop allowing yourself to be the enabler. You are doing EXACTLY the same thing her family was doing. Just ignoring the issue. You ignore the issue that she is cheating on you and neglecting the children. This is NOT showing love. Go back to therapy, invite her to join you. Let her know that you will be there to listen when she is ready to talk, but that you can't continue a marriage in which she is cheating on you and hurting the children. She is putting your health at risk as well, by being with this other guy. My wife had some very, very bad things happen to her when she was younger, like your wife. When she tried pulling the same crap your wife is doing now, I went through the being mr. nice guy, to being nasty. What worked in the end was to calmly tell her that 'Im done with all of this, no longer going to be dragged through the mud, and that I want you out of the house this week'. She was like a deer in headlights, for the first time she didn't know what to say. She always threatened to leave so I figured she would jump at the chance. The total opposite happened, and only then did I know the true power I had in this relationship. It was just that I wasn't using it. You can feel bad for her in regards to her past and its good that you want to see her better. However she is still in charge of her own decisions and are still responsible for what she is doing now. My wife knows, if she crossed that line again (she didn't physically cheat, but was contacting an ex-bf) that the marriage is done. No if, ands or buts about it. That line was drawn very clear. You are in a parent-child marriage. You being the parent, her being the child. She needs to get the help from couseling and 'step-up' to becoming an adult, so that you can take that step down from being a parent to her. That's the only way this marriage will work. You are NOT her counselor or psychologist. You are her husband. A marriage does not work if you try to be both. It's time that you make a change here. Do it for yourself, your children and her. Continue the path you are and things will get worse. Trust me on this. dont get me wrong, i am not ignoring the issue. i get on her. she doesnt come around and take advantage of a situation, i have to chase her down for her to take advantage that sounds stupid, but true. i am a big man but a sucker for my children and i have begged and finagled her into watching them, spending time with them etc., simply so i dont have to hear them crying. even the sex with her kept her around. i know that i am wrong but i have an almost uncontrollable need to both help, try to control, and even fix this situation. i know what i need to do but i think i am too scared to actually do it. i am going to go back to therapy and i will try like hell to get her to go too. i dont think that they are actually sexually active so i dont think she is putting me at risk. that isnt a stupid statement either, i know her well enough to know if she was. as a matter of fact if they were having any sexual relations she wouldn't give me the time of day. thats how she works. thanks for sharing the story about your wife. we are something similar to that. if i give her an ultimatum (and i have before) she just runs away. she absolutely hates rejection. she would rather leave when my kids and i are sleep then let me tell her to leave. she will just not come home after work rather than let me follow through on an ultimatum. she cant handle it. she cant handle me saying no to sex if i am tired, she somehow takes that as a personal insult. she doesnt like to be yelled at for any reason, or like for anyone to be mad at her or hate her. if i show these characteristics in anyway we wont lay eyes on her for a month at least. thats not an excuse it is just fact. i am still planning on doing what i said i am going to do and i have a little help from my family who say they will help me and my kids with the transition. this is sort of like a parent/child relationship when there is trouble, but this relationship is beautiful when there isn't any trouble. i think i don't stress that enough. if this guy went away 2morrow she would go to counseling and be OK for a long time and maybe if beat it if we stuck with it. that is why i am torn. not because i am simply naive or plain dumb. i have no complaints about her parenting skills except when she isn't there. her guilt about the things she does consumes her to the point where she almost killed herself as a young girl and later as an adult. no excuses, just giving you some more background into my mind and why i am hesitant to just pull the damn trigger and end this relationship. instead of saying sorry she will say she wants a divorce. then come back a week later and say she doesn't, she just said that because she thought thats what i wanted. i am suppose to see her 2morrow morning and i am going to talk to her and try like hell to get her to talk back, but if not i have no other choice. my kids are a wreck, and they need counseling more than i do and i don't want them to go through this anymore. i am still hesitant and am looking for any sign that this will get better before it gets worse but the more i talk to people and the more i think about it, i don't see that happening.
Author bigmanpayne Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Oh yes, I remember 5 episodes of those. On occasions, it seemed like the best sex we ever had. It was during the limbo stage when she had an infatuation with some other man but hadn't started the physical affair yet. I was the instrument of her fantasies. She wanted to have sex so much. We did it 8 times on one occasion. It seemed like marathon sex. She wanted more and more and more. Each time I thought it was over, she started touching me, getting on top of me etc. When I thought about it afterwards, I felt used. She even said that she only did it for sex. I asked why she didn't do it with someone else. She replied: 'because I know and trust you'. A few weeks down the line, I am divorcing her. I am never going to have sex with her again. I totally ignore her now. I talk to her about the praxticalities of the kids, house sale and divorce. You should do the same. There are lots of women out there. Forget about her and move on! Nomad1 as stated in my previous posts, i have no doubt about what you are saying. if her guy was actually having sex with her, she wouldn't look at me, let alone touch me. i am not sure why they haven't done anything though. she has a killer body and he doesnt mind a married woman living with him so i dont know why he wouldn't just do something with her already. that is very strange. i feel like he has her around because he is lonely, and not because he really likes her but he did introduce her to his mother (after only knowing each other for now 5 months, and in a "relationship" for a few weeks). this is puzzling. she called a minute ago and i think she wants sex again, but i am sure that it is only because he wont have sex with her. then again what me and her did could have just been a goodbye thing, i dont know. it was great. it was long. we dont do long. she absolutely craved it like i had never seen before. it made me feel great like i said, but then made me feel like a piece of already used trash, but trash who was sexually satisfied. weird i tell ya. i mean it was like a heavyweight championship fight. very strange, but i cant say i didn't enjoy it. i am not going to have sex with her again (seriously, dont laugh or doubt me) but i am worried that she is headed down a hurtful path once he hooks back up with his girlfriend or finds someone he isnt scared to have sex with. i just don't know. she wont ask him why they aren't having sex so she doesn't know either. it isnt my problem but it occupies my mind sometimes.
jmargel Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 (edited) Her hating rejection is the little girl in her. Though by you being so afraid of that, she has used that as a control mechanism over you. She was abused at one point in her life, however she has now become the abuser. This is often the case. You trying to control the situation is backfiring on you. What you need to make her do is really, really 'think' about what she is doing. As long as you keep enabling her behavior that does not give her any incentive to think of what she is doing to you and the kids. When you talk to her, don't be mean but be firm. Make her choose. If she decides to choose to run, let her know that, it is ok but that she will not be welcomed back. Honestly I don't know what she will do, since I don't know her, but whatever she decides to do would be the same outcome anyway. It's just that you won't be dragged through the mud for years. In all the years I've helped people on here with going through an affair, not once has the marriage turned out good where the cheated one plays the nice person and is 'always there for their cheating spouse'. They just end up getting dragged through the mud and get left anyways. It's because the cheated spouse never makes their spouse realize the value in their marriage because they continue to tolerate the disrespect. if this guy went away 2morrow she would go to counseling and be OK for a long time and maybe if beat it if we stuck with it I disagree, the emotional problems that your wife has, has led to this affair. The affair is just another topic of all the things she has done to you and the children. The real root of this problem is her emotional problems and attitude. If you pull out that root, those leaves (the topics) will never grow back. By just pulling that leave off (the affair) and some point in time another will grow back. if her guy was actually having sex with her, she wouldn't look at me, let alone touch me. So you are ok with her being intimate with this other guy? There are many ways to be initimate with someone without having sex. It's only a matter of time before they do have sex if they didn't already. How did you find out about this affair? How can you trust her when she says she isn't having sex with him? Where is the basis for this trust? i have no complaints about her parenting skills except when she isn't there. Don't you *need* to be there with your children, to be a parent to start with? instead of saying sorry she will say she wants a divorce. then come back a week later and say she doesn't, she just said that because she thought thats what i wanted How many times has she really apologized and meant it while being married to you? I doubt hardly at all. She comes back because that's what abusers do. They trivialize your feelings, they push them away. Her immaturity shows, because she will not face the consequences, and you allow her to do this. my kids are a wreck, and they need counseling more than i do and i don't want them to go through this anymore. i am still hesitant and am looking for any sign that this will get better before it gets worse but the more i talk to people and the more i think about it, i don't see that happening. How much damage do your kids need to endure? Those poor angels. Their mother and father are the people they look for, for guidance, for help, for love, for support. They are neglected by their mother and they see their father going through alot of hurt. This is what they are experiencing now. Instead of love and support, they get hurt and insecurity from their mother. They feel the rejection that you feel. They are living on eggshells. You talk about your wife being suicidal when she was a girl? Give it a few years with continuing the same track you are on, and I will bet that one of your children will start to get those same feelings. At some point this vicious circle needs to stop. You are the one to stop this. You have to be! You need to emotionally protect those children, just like you would physically if your wife came after them with a knife. You also need to protect yourself. Don't beg, don't lecture, don't talk her into anything. Goto couseling with your children. Ask your wife to come along and make it clear, as black and white as possible that you will no longer tolerate this. Say something to this effect: 'I love you and I do want this marriage to work, however I will not tolerate myself or my children being disrespected anymore. I refuse for us to be dragged through the mud anymore. There are clear boundaries that will not be crossed if you want to stay married to me, and one of these boundaries is having an affair. It's your choice, you can goto counseling with us and stop contact with this other man, or you can go. If you wish to go, I will miss you but know that you are not welcomed back. If you don't want to make a decision, then that tells me that you do not want to stay with me and the children. I love you but realize that this all needs to come to a resolution, one way or another.' Then just walk away. Do not have sex with her, do not do things with her, do not be your 'old self' until she really thinks about what she is doing and makes a decision to be with you and the children. You need to stand firm, if you don't you can only expect things to get worse. You will not win her back by showing her love while she is disrespecting, hurting and neglecting you and your children. Edited January 30, 2008 by jmargel
Author bigmanpayne Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Her hating rejection is the little girl in her. Though by you being so afraid of that, she has used that as a control mechanism over you. She was abused at one point in her life, however she has now become the abuser. This is often the case. very true. i knew that and let it happen anyway. When you talk to her, don't be mean but be firm. Make her choose. If she decides to choose to run, let her know that, it is ok but that she will not be welcomed back. Honestly I don't know what she will do, since I don't know her, but whatever she decides to do would be the same outcome anyway. It's just that you won't be dragged through the mud for years. i did talk to her and she did decide to run. she will always take the easy way out no matter what. i knew that. that is probably why i was so scared to really talk to her and give her an ultimatum. i want to try to pick myself up and take care of my kids now and the talk i had with her is the start. In all the years I've helped people on here with going through an affair, not once has the marriage turned out good where the cheated one plays the nice person and is 'always there for their cheating spouse'. They just end up getting dragged through the mud and get left anyways. It's because the cheated spouse never makes their spouse realize the value in their marriage because they continue to tolerate the disrespect. she will never realize that. her own deep problems wont allow her too. she is smart enough to know what is going on, what is wrong etc., but not strong enough to actually face her issues. there is no way to let her know how much value our children have in our lives, or how much i lover and cherish her. it just wont happen. i hate to say that, but that is the most honest thing i have said so far. So you are ok with her being intimate with this other guy? There are many ways to be initimate with someone without having sex. It's only a matter of time before they do have sex if they didn't already. How did you find out about this affair? How can you trust her when she says she isn't having sex with him? Where is the basis for this trust? no i am not ok with it. i hate it. i know they aren't having sex yet because i know her and she told me. there are certain things she does and she isnt doing those things. i know for a 100 percent fact that she isn't doing anything sexually with him. it doesnt really matter, because she is completely giving herself mind, body, and soul to him in every other aspect. she sees it as a badge of honor and takes it as such. every other man (except me i might add) wanted to have sex with her and not a relationship. most of her relationships were strictly sexual (except the one with me and now this guy i guess). thats why she is going so crazy for this guy, becuase she sees it as he respects her so much he doesnt want to ruin the relationship yet by having sex. she is proud of this, but wants me to have sex with her on the side until he wants to have sex with her. i am not going to do it, i told her that, but that is what she wants. i personally dont know why they aren't having sex and it is consuming my brain. How much damage do your kids need to endure? Those poor angels. Their mother and father are the people they look for, for guidance, for help, for love, for support. They are neglected by their mother and they see their father going through alot of hurt. This is what they are experiencing now. Instead of love and support, they get hurt and insecurity from their mother. They feel the rejection that you feel. They are living on eggshells. You talk about your wife being suicidal when she was a girl? Give it a few years with continuing the same track you are on, and I will bet that one of your children will start to get those same feelings. i am going to work as hard as i can to make sure that doesnt happen. my daughter is just like her mother in a lot of ways and i worry all the time that "she is next." she lies for no reason, she's hard on herself, and doesnt try hard even though she can. its hard to explain, but i am hoping that therapy can help her. no matter what i tell you, i will do whatever possible for them, you have no need to worry about that. At some point this vicious circle needs to stop. You are the one to stop this. You have to be! You need to emotionally protect those children, just like you would physically if your wife came after them with a knife. You also need to protect yourself. You will not win her back by showing her love while she is disrespecting, hurting and neglecting you and your children. we talked and i am going to just let it be. this is the hardest thing that i have had to do, but it is done now. she has made her choice and though i believe it is wrong, i have no choice but to accept it. it is hard though. she really isn't a bad person, and if you knew her (or think you knew her) you would think i was totally lying on her. she is so fragile and fractured and as someone who cares about her, it is hard for me to watch her destroy herself. i hope and pray that someday she changes, and i will probably not get over this for a while, but i am going to try. i have talked at length with others and they are going to help me and my children through this.
jmargel Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I'm glad you are getting the help for you and your children. You can't help your wife if she doesn't want to be helped. The only thing you can do is give her tough love. This is her decision, and though everyone can see it will backfire on her, it will take this for her to truly realize what the hell she is doing. I just urge you though to not just sit there and watch this all go by. You are her husband, and a protector of her. You took this vow. Now is the time you must stand up to all of this. Now is the time to find this OM and have a 'conversation'. Now is the time to do everything in your power to get her to start thinking. It does not matter if this is going to upset her, she is on a road to self-destruction. You have nothing to lose. Tough love is doing things such as this, and to give her the choice of either working on the marriage or leaving. By you allowing this to continue, you are showing her that there is no value in your marriage. When I found my wife meeting up with her ex 3 years ago, what do you think I did? I tracked his ass down while she was meeting up with him. Pull my car in front of his to block him and confronted him. Talk about him being a coward! Though he knew what he was doing wrong. However he had no loyalty to me, however it was my wife who was doing me wrong. I confronted her, right then and there put her in her place. That was the last time those two had contact. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. You will go insane hoping that things will change while you continue to let this unfold. What is going on around you is wrong, and you must take a stand to all of this. It doesn't matter what her past was like, or how you think she will take it. Something must be done. Tough love.
Author bigmanpayne Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 I just urge you though to not just sit there and watch this all go by. You are her husband, and a protector of her. You took this vow. Now is the time you must stand up to all of this. Now is the time to find this OM and have a 'conversation'. Now is the time to do everything in your power to get her to start thinking. It does not matter if this is going to upset her, she is on a road to self-destruction. You have nothing to lose. Tough love is doing things such as this, and to give her the choice of either working on the marriage or leaving. By you allowing this to continue, you are showing her that there is no value in your marriage. When I found my wife meeting up with her ex 3 years ago, what do you think I did? I tracked his ass down while she was meeting up with him. Pull my car in front of his to block him and confronted him. Talk about him being a coward! Though he knew what he was doing wrong. However he had no loyalty to me, however it was my wife who was doing me wrong. I confronted her, right then and there put her in her place. That was the last time those two had contact. i have had a conversation with the OM and i came away thinking that he is mentally retarded. i want to go and really have a heart to heart but i dont want him to get so scared that he drops her which in turn will make her stay away from her kids for weeks if not a month or so. i know that sounds stupid but thats where i am. i actually talked to this guy's father yesterday and he isnt too pleased with his son and my wife either. i wrote a letter to the OM asking him to help my wife to see her children. it was stupid and wrong but like i said in previous posts, i felt i had no choice. i sent a copy to my wife's mother and the OM's parents. The OM's father is a respectable man and understands my situation and doesnt understand why his son would get himself involved in this mess. like i said i tried talking to the OM and he is so scared that he runs whenever he sees me. i dont mean run like shut down, i mean like physically runs. i get so embarrased for my wife. my children and i took her to the emergency room last weekend for an accident she had. i called the OM and told him we were there and she was in the ER. he never showed. i called him the next day (while she was at my house) and asked why he didn't show up and he said because "they" didnt think it was a good idea. I asked who they were, he said that he called the security department after he got my message. UNBELIVABLE! my wife was embarrased, yet she is so guilty that she makes excuses for this guy. she is too deep into this to back out. she will NEVER leave him. NEVER. she cant allow herself to fail. she has found the one idiot in the world willing to close his eyes and ears and except the retarded things that she says. she is not a woman who dates weak men like that, she absolutely hates a man like that yet she stays with him. she told me that she didnt want me to call him because she doesnt want to face the reality that he wouldnt come to the ER, she doesnt want me to call him or talk to him about our kids because she doesnt want to know that he really doesnt care if she ever sees them. i dont have time to waste time trying to confront either of them anymore. this is stupid. EVERYONE knows it. they arent having sex, she had sex with me, she told me she didnt care if i told him because he will never belive me. she said he believs EVERYTHING that she says. lol, unreal. this relationship is too stupid to even give more of my time too. i love my kids and will continue to work hard for them and help them through this tough time. my wife can have this guy and live a life of lies and stupidity. i dont mind just standing on the sidelines because i just dont think it is worth my energy to do anything else. i love her with all my heart, but she has to change on her own, i finally see that. i cant make her do anything. i feel sorry for her and if she asks for my help i will give it to her but thats it. i have so much more to talk about but this post is long enough. maybe i will post more later.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 She doesnt want to leave him because then she will end up feeling stupid for all the stupid ass things that she's done. She picked a coward for another man and this is what she deserved. You take away the sex you give her and she has nothing. Either she'll have sex with him or she'll cheat on him with someone else. Therefore proving the theory that once a cheater always a cheater. She isnt your wife anymore, file for those divorce papers asap and quickly detach. This situation is just pathetic all around.
jmargel Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Wow.. talk about being an enabler! You are trying to 'show' her that he's no good by contacting him like this? I keep telling you, you need to start some tough love. Re-read my posts. Continue as you are, and even if she ditches this man, it's only a matter of time before she finds another. I urge you to get the book 'Love must be tough'. No more contact with this OM. Open that cage door for your wife as far as you can. Let her fly away. Urge her to. Get her to really think about what she is doing. That's the only way. I don't know what else to tell you, at some point in time you are going to have to take either mine or someone else's advice on here. Don't expect any changes, until you start making them yourself first.
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